To think he maybe was the man of my life but I married someone else?

[crispytowel]

This is VERY long so I'll try to keep it short.
15 years ago I moved to the UK fine another EU country. Fell head over heels for someone , married him, had two children with him. Love and passion continued for a few years, then I had PND with my first and although I did recover, our relationship significantly changed after having children. We are both very independent people so we like to have our space but it feels like we have now created perhaps too much of it between us.

Back when I was 16 yo and in sec school my desk mate had a huge crush on me and continued to for many years after. We continued to keep in touch for the past 25 years and I always wondered whether he was the one but I was always too restless to settled down before my current husband. Fast forward to now, we are in my home country for a holiday and I've met up with my old friend and we still like each other SO much. He's also married with children. We ended up having sex which was so wrong but almost felt impossible to avoid. Now I KNOW this needs to stop and we have put a stop to it. We also live in different countries which obviously will help. But I'm sitting here crying missing him instead. I don't know what I'm asking for - if you want to attack me for my actions I don't mind, just not what I'm hoping to get here. Anyone ever been in a similar place? Thanks xx

@dottiedodah thank you so much for this

@Johnnysgirl thanks. This is really helping

Those feelings are really hard to ignore, but you really must. Don't tell your husband. Put this out of your head. Nothing good can come of this.

You're doing the what if thing. What if I was meant to be with him fantasy. You arent. This is your life. Either be all in it with your partner or all out of it.

The other man isnt a fix for you feeling unsatisfied in life. In 5 years you'll have a different what if. Or the guilt of splitting your family.

Another man isnt the solution to the hole you're trying to fill (pun not intended!)

If you wouldn't leave your husband to be alone then you shouldn't leave him for another man. Its almost codependence (not quite but i cant find the right word)

If I met my first love again, I'd go for it, but you said you fell head over heels for your DH, so work on that, date nights, even at home, but just you two, no phones etc. try it.

The harsh reality is even if you get together someone's kids will live away from a parent half the time. You wannabe leave your kids in the UK and you move to be with him? Or move their whole loves abroad? Or should he do that?

This is one of those times where you both put your kids first by staying in your home countries.

It’s all sunshine and roses now but it won’t be the same when he’s leaving his pants all over the bedroom floor and won’t shut up when you’re trying to watch the telly.

This isn’t real, it’s just a fantasy you’ve created. Stop kidding yourself that this is love when it’s just a mid-life crisis. What you’ve done is no better than all the men who buy a sports car and run off with a younger model. You’ve got two choices now - work on your marriage and the life you have now or have the courage of your convictions and leave your dh to start a new life with this man. It’s as simple as that.

When you could have had him, no complications, you didn't want him. That is the beginning, middle and end of this. You weren't that into him until he was a distraction from reality and a fantasy about reclaiming your youth. He bored you.

@RealBecca the pun made me chuckle though.
@LuaDipa yes I see your point.
What goes through my head is - I did fall head over heels with my husband in the beginning, but what attracted me were his looks, his "foreign" feel, his independence, his risk taking, his love for fun. Now that we have children and jobs and life is effin boring those things are not there quite so much and what I see in the other guy are all the longer term qualities... he's such a nice guy. I know some will think he's a lying, cheating scum bag.. but he's a loving, lovely, gentle, kind soul

but he's a loving, lovely, gentle, kind soul

He isn't. He cheated on his wife.

The end.

@JemimaPuddleducksWaddle
I appreciate what you're saying. But is it really that simple?

You are not comparing like with like. Your husband and kids are real life and of course after a number of years it can feel a bit routine and tired. Exactly the same would have happened if you'd married the other guy. Of course it feels thrilling, it's new but nothing stays that way.

Yes it is

A lot of romantic nonsense for what is essentially you not being able to keep your knickers on with an old school pal and more importantly, which doesn't seem to be as much of a big deal to you, being unfaithful to your husband and putting your family unit at risk.

Your husband and children deserve better and your husband deserves the truth so he can make his own fully informed choices.

NC.
Going against the grain, go for it, lifes too short, you may bitterly regret your decision but at least you'll know.

I was in a similar position, married but no children involved, took years before we eventually got together.

Then he got an illness and died very shortly after, we had just 5 years together & it was the best times of my life, all those wasted years.

BUT we had a child together and he looks just like his dad! has very similar mannerisms too.

Why did you actually start this thread, OP? What were you hoping for? Multiple posters have all told you the same thing..this man is not the "love of your life", and having sex with him was not "impossible to avoid". But you don't want to hear it. Of course you'd rather see yourselves as Romeo and Juliet than face the reality that you both risked your children's security because you were bored with married life and wanted a bit excitement.

When this man was available to you for years, and there was no drama, you weren't that interested. So much so you married someone else. Now it's fraught with complication and danger of course he's "the one". Face it, OP it's not this man you're obsessed with, its the exquisite drama of it all.

I would be willing to bet that if this man left his wife and moved to the UK for you, the novelty would wear off for you within a few months.

I find the idea that you would just throw away your kids’ stable family life for a shag really revolting. Not to mention the betrayal of your DH.

Where is the total and utter shame that you should be feeling?

And your suggestion that your infidelity was “almost impossible to avoid” is completely dodging responsibility for your actions. You could have walked away at any moment if your marriage and your DH were more important to you than having sex with another man. You actively chose to be unfaithful.

@neverbeenskiing I've started this thread because I'm honestly struggling.
I've actually taken on board a lot of the advice but I can't just suddenly switch everything off. I'll work on it and hopefully I'll learn something and things will turn out ok. We are honestly both decent people. Normal lives, normal jobs, normal marriages, normal people. Just got caught in the complexities of life. I appreciate people will have strong feelings about infidelity, I supposed I used to have some strong ideas too. Then this happened - or I made I happen. I take full responsibility for it

@neverbeenskiing
I take your point about the drama of it all. Always been drawn to it. Thought I'd grown out of it but may not be the case after all..

Going against the grain, go for it, lifes too short, you may bitterly regret your decision but at least you'll know.

"Go for it"? We're talking about splitting up two families, which means one of them will have to live in a different country to their own children. Imagine how rejected and abandoned a child must feel when their parent not only leaves the family home, but leaves the country to be with a new partner. It's not just OP who could "bitterly regret" this, her DC, his DC, his DW and her DH also have to live with the consequences of her actions.

The grass is greener where you water it.

I'm guessing you speak to this man in your native language and to your husband in English? Have you all of a sudden realised that you have a deeper connection to someone who shares your own language and culture?

I can identify with that, fell for a few exotic foreign types in my time but ended up with someone who is very culturally similar to me.

It's a shame that it took you so long to realise though.

@HaveringWavering
Yes I do but I find it hard after living in the UK for 15 years. I find my home culture annoying and difficult at times so tbh it's been putting me off him if anything...

are you still the fun loving cool, sexy young thing you were when your husband fell in love with you?

aren't you older, unable to drop everything for a romantic trip to Europe or free to go back poking around the world or whatever, bogged down with daily expectations of being a parent, boring and mundane due to the responsibilities of being an adult with responsibilities?

sounds like your husband has grown up and you haven’t.

bet you’d be utterly thrilled to find out your husband had hooked up with his one that got away and had been sleeping with her.

tell your husband, let him decide if he wants to be with a lying, cheating woman who thinks she’s too good for him.