If you have gone no contact with a parent, how did you maintain relationships with the rest of your family?

[RestIsBest]

Thinking of going NC with my Mum but we do a fair bit as a family as in my parents, me and siblings and our partners and our kids. I won't be able to avoid seeing her e.g. at niece and nephews birthdays etc. Christmas Day is usually spent at her house which means I'll miss out on Christmas with everyone else. We have a family group chat too which she is a part of, do I leave this chat? Why should she receive pics of my children etc? Or do I go low contact instead? What is even the difference? Do I just tolerate her at these events and on the group chat?Sorry I know this isn't really an AIBU but I often see people on here who are NC and just looking for advice on how it is managed.

Also the reason is because I find her to be a cold, critical, interfering, emotionally abusive woman who brings zero joy to my life and brings a lot of unhappiness to it

I think no-contact is rarely a single, one-and-done decision.

In my experience NC happened on its own after years of incredibly difficult relationship, grey rock, low-contact, periods of NC and attempts at reconciliation, and then a slow drifting into irreconcilable silence. It's been 7 years of NC now, with about 10 years of ebb and flow before that.

Maybe take the pressure off to make a decision one way or another, and instead start looking at what small actions, boundaries and choices you could make that would both protect you and enable you to still show up within your family as best you can?

You don't have to make any big decisions, and you don't have to have a plan for everything. Experiment. Focus on your other family relationships.

If NC is the only way forward, it'll become evident on its own.

Spot on.

I didn't!

I finally went NC with my mother, her husband and their DC ,30 years ago and had to cut out any family on that side too.

It was no real loss as none of them really treated me like family anyway and doesn't affect me in the slightest now as most of them are dead apart from a handful of first cousins and one half sibling. Most of them have their own DC now who probably
don't even know I exist.

Suits me fine! My life improved immeasurably from the day I made my monumental decision. I should have done it years earlier.

I am very very low contact with my dad, who is still married to my mum and lives in the family home with my brothers. What this looks like is that I primarily speak to my mum only (individual calls and whatsapps, not groups) and that she mostly sees me separately. I will invite her alone to mine to see my son, or meet her for brunch/shopping etc if I want to spend time with her. I tolerate his presence at family events maybe 5x a year maximum. I will not stay over at their house, nor are they invited to stay at mine. I did my last Christmas with them out of obligation in 2021, won't be going again. I do not text him and generally he does not contact me, but I will respond to happy birthday or whatever with a thank you.

But, my dad knows why I am VVLC and abides by the boundary I have established. My mum is upset by it but does very well not to try and flying monkey most of the time. When she does, I ignore her. There was a period of about 2 months when I went NC with all of them way back when this all erupted in the first place and I think my mum was taken aback by how easily I was able to cut them out that she doesn't want that to happen again.

Could you have made any less effort qith your sock puppet username? 😂

Same thing has happened with me.

I have always been the ‘problem’ child and my younger brother the ‘golden’ child and as such our childhoods were completely different.

I did have some small hope that me finally going NC with both of them (and stopping them from seeing their grandchild) would finally be the thing that finally pushed my mother to pick my side for once and stand up to my dad but unfortunately I have been told by another family member that my NC has brought my parents even closer together because now they can jointly villainize me as the bad one and talk about how I’ve always been a ‘problem’ and have to do absolutely no self reflection themselves about how their behaviour has got them here like the alcoholism, emotional abuse and even physical abuse because you know as they like to put it ‘I wasn’t being beaten black and blue’ 👍

it’s gone as far as my mother telling other family members she thinks I have post-natal depression and that’s why I’ve cut contact (while she drinks two bottles of wine a day at least).

The only thing that having a child did was wake me up to the fact I want these people no where near my own family.

Absolutely nobody in my family has judged or even questioned why I'm NC with my mother, which says a lot really.

100%

But be prepared to be cut off from everyone else too. If you do it, it will be isolating but worth it.

People do not understand it, unless they have been in this horrible situation (hence mousemats idiotic comments)

It wasn't possible in my case. My mother is the world's biggest victim and my dad tries to rescue her (from me 🤔). I tried to challenge the drama triangle. No success at all. My brother as well as my dad see everything through her eyes. They also view her as the victim of me.

I have realised that it is impossible. My mother has to be the victim. That part is just non negotiable so there is no way to have a brother or a father if i refuse to accept that narrative.

NC with my mother for many years and it has meant little to no contact with two of my siblings and judgement from others who only hear the sob story.
Do I regret it? No, it's been liberating. My immediate family are very complex but then I do have lots of other family, friends and in-laws etc. Do what works for you.

I agree the narrative of WHy will be changed. This has happened to me. It has to be something else, it just cannot be anything they did. it's all so exhausting. I have been trying to give up hoping for 3 years. They were giving me the silent treatment but also denying giving me the silent treatment if that makes sense. I am apparently mad, bad, sad, entitled, insane, detached from reality.... unless I accept that, I can't be in the family, so Scapegoat it is. I'm the Scapegoat rather than NC. They are NC (but would deny it while ignoring every attempt to communicate)

Said like a person lucky enough not to be coerced in her parents' drama triangle. I tried to step out of the drama triangle but they wouldn't have it. You have no idea how this has eroded me over the years. My mother will (and does) pathologist me to avoid a moment's self reflection. Death Mother. That is what I got. No empathy for me and a voracious need to be THE VICTIM OF ME

I went NC with my mother last year, and also went NC with everyone else on that side - my dad, siblings and their partners. I got on OK with them, but I didn't have a meaningful relationship with them, and only ever saw them at family gatherings. It was the neatest way to deal with the situation - if I had remained in contact with other family members, my mother would have exploited that to try to contact me or find out information.

@Mousemat25 there are lots of types of abuse, it's not always physical. There's also child neglect.

LC is easier as @travelingtortoise says - you can then flex a bit (if you want) for individual situations. It also means there’s no announcement, you just quietly walk away and no one but you needs to know you’ve made a decision. So nothing for victims/drama llamas/flying monkeys to take issue with.

I started LC but ended up NC. LC just made the emotional abuse worse.

It is bloody painful and was the last resort after years of bargaining and near total mental collapse from being the scapegoat.

I regret going NC if I am honest. I wish I had the tools and the strength to cope with LC . I lost all my siblings 1 by 1, by nieces who I love. Some family friends.

I am no longer suicidal due to the torrent of emotional abuse but I feel sad a lot when i think about it.

I didn't . I went NC with my dad and lost all family on his side .

@VORE I'm sorry to hear you are in the same situation, it was having our child that made my husband completely comfortable in his decision that he had made the correct choice. He didn't want the cycle repeated again, and he realised (I knew as my family is "normal") that having to drop every plan and come running to the family home lest you be cut out of family plans/ignored and rumours spread about you is not a healthy relationship.

We bumped into his brothers and their families enjoying a day out and it has thrown him atm
He (and i) can't believe they witnessed what they did yet still we are persona non grata.

I gave him some advice yesterday which may be helpful to some on this thread

Write a letter to the person or to all in the situation who are causing you hurt, write down every feeling you have against them, how they make you feel, how you want to act, the impact its had on your life. BUT write it in a notebook with pages that don't easily pull out, dont type it.on a phone or a word document- don't do this to send to them....they will use it as ammunition against you. But all the thoughts you have swirling in your head you can't sleep over will be on paper and out of your body and mind.

Hopefully your healing can start afresh - it's not odd or weird to not speak to your family, some people have lovely ones and some have horrible upbringings. If a friend or acquaintance can't understand that, it's their problem not yours - you haven't done anything wrong, you are more than likely a scapegoat to make your pathetic parent feel better about the mess they've made of their own sad little lives.

Hugs to you all, you are brave and independent
Family don't have to be blood

I’ve been NC with my mother for 14 odd years. Regarding the rest of my family I still see my brother (he was the golden-child) and my niece and nephew. I don’t attend any family events that my mother will be present at so if my nephew is having a birthday party I will visit the week after for example.

For people like mousemat who are saying that going NC with a parent is like a toddler tantrum you have no idea what you are talking about. Do you have any idea what it is like to grow up with an abusive parent? To wonder what is wrong with you that you don’t have a Mum like other people’s? Then when they start spewing their poison at your own DC you think no way are you getting near them, do you know how it hurts when your DC ask you what a Gran is because they don’t have one? You have no idea of people individual situations so just be quiet.

You obviously have no idea what it's like to have grown up with an emotionally abusive parent, who continues to emotionally abuse you as an adult.

Mine went NC with me years ago when I spoke openly to her about the child abuse and dared to ask for an acknowledgement, apology and family counselling. The fact the rest of the family are completely understanding of the fact that I'm happy to let the NC stand speaks volumes.