If you have gone no contact with a parent, how did you maintain relationships with the rest of your family?

[RestIsBest]

Thinking of going NC with my Mum but we do a fair bit as a family as in my parents, me and siblings and our partners and our kids. I won't be able to avoid seeing her e.g. at niece and nephews birthdays etc. Christmas Day is usually spent at her house which means I'll miss out on Christmas with everyone else. We have a family group chat too which she is a part of, do I leave this chat? Why should she receive pics of my children etc? Or do I go low contact instead? What is even the difference? Do I just tolerate her at these events and on the group chat?Sorry I know this isn't really an AIBU but I often see people on here who are NC and just looking for advice on how it is managed.

Also the reason is because I find her to be a cold, critical, interfering, emotionally abusive woman who brings zero joy to my life and brings a lot of unhappiness to it

I want my Dad to have a close relationship with my children. He's retired and loves spending time with them. How is this even possible with my Mum there? Do I need to have him come to my house?

Considering I've gone no contact with an aunt who acts like she's the leader of a drug cartel, expect a huge backlash with the whole family. I'm now low contact with everyone because it affects me so much.

From experience, go low contact. Basically only see her when you want to see her and at no extra stress to you. Only speak about non controversial topics. She won't have the 'she's fallen out with me. I'm a victim' tripe. And you won't have to constantly feel like you are justifying your stance.

Having gone completely NC with my parent, it has, essentially, cut me off from the rest of my family, who did not understand why I took this step. To them, my NC parent is the victim and I am the horrible child.

And this is with a generally fragmented family that only tends to get together as a whole for weddings and funerals, with the odd birthday, perhaps, included.

Still, while upsetting at first, I still benefitted no end in the rising self-confidence and self-worth I got once I cut my toxic parent out of my life.

Now, most members I gave a damn about (mostly grandparents, but also an uncle I loved dearly) are dead. The one thing that still saddens me is not having been able to attend any funerals, but that is also down to other circumstances.

I don’t maintain any contact with that parents side, sad but the lesser of two evils.

From experience, go low contact. Basically only see her when you want to see her and at no extra stress to you. Only speak about non controversial topics. She won't have the 'she's fallen out with me. I'm a victim' tripe. And you won't have to constantly feel like you are justifying your stance.

I agree with this. But be prepared for other family members to challenge you on it anyway; I have had a member of my family accuse me of not seeing a relative enough. It doesn’t seem to have occurred to them to think that it might be for a good reason, because that would mean admitting a problem…

I wouldn't bother it will cause more problems thanit's worth.

Our parents aren't perfect but we aren't either.

I'm no contact with my mum and it meant going no contact with the whole of that side of the family.

I’ve been going through this for years. It’s the worst thing and becomes so complicated. The family 99% won’t back you up unless they already despise the person. My mother is an alcoholic and a bad mum. She refuses to take responsibility for the things she’s done wrong to me and is still in denial. For me at least, the family feel awkward and keep inviting us both to family things which obviously I don’t go to. So I’ve isolated myself away from them and was basically left with no choice as I couldn’t be in the same room as her after what she’s done to me.

When she would start on me/others drunk at family events no one helped, they just told me to deal with her. The family love talking about my situation and ask why don’t I come to family things… they never reached out to me to make me feel like they cared. I’ve seen a few of them over the years and they all say the same thing (Oh but she’s your mum at the end of the day, you can’t just not see the family, everyone hasn’t seen you for so long). My response is… well you could have invited me over without her for dinner/coffee all these years and no one has.

In my experience they will usually cut off the child over the mother so in my situation they are all too afraid to stand up to my mum but they don’t care about upsetting me. It’s caused me to not see family much, and unfortunately after all these years of going N/C I’ve reverted and started seeing her again for the sake of my family members.

Weddings/funerals become very awkward if you are N/C with someone. I genuinely don’t know what to advise you but you must tell your side of the story, make sure people know why you’ve cut her off, because my mum has told her side which is a pack of lies, and has made me look like an idiot. I wish I had been more outspoken and not allowed myself to become so isolated. Ultimately though in most cases… you will lose them because they will not want to choose between you both. It’s a very difficult situation and I have been fighting for years. I wish you all the best hopefully someone else might have some better advice soon.

I'm NC with one of my parents, but it's been manageable (so far) as we don't have a group chat, and my parents divorced decades ago. All major family occasions have been done.

My siblings understand totally (none of us have any particular feelings for them). My other parent has tried the flying monkey approach once, but I gave them short shrift.

My DM always controlled communication with her side of the family which she considered belonged to her. I was and always will be the outsider and scapegoat so going NC with her guaranteed everyone else in the family followed. My brother has recently gone NC and wanted to reconnect but the damage was already done. He was my mother's willing sidekick since I was a small child and has shown no self awareness or remorse for his behaviour towards me

However, the benefits of being an orphan outweigh the lack of family. I have always felt very uncomfortable and on edge around my family, being the target of humiliation and blame. Now my life is authentic, peaceful and happy. It had to happen. It's not possible, in my view, to coexist in a dysfunctional family. You have to suck it up in some way, perhaps LC would work for you or exit completely.

I’m non contact with my mum. She managed to push everyone except my brother away. My brother is her golden child and I already had a difficult relationship with him beforehand but now it’s non existent. It’s a strange one as even before going NC with her he seemed to understand why I found her behaviour so difficult but just wanted me to put up with it (I kept her off his back I suppose) I think he’s sulking with me now because she’s directing all her behaviour towards him and he’s having to deal with it rather than knowing it’ll be me getting it in the neck and he can sit back and have an easy time - if that makes sense.

I still have a relationship with my dad which is great although we live at opposite ends of the country and his family is quite big and social so I catch up with them all when I visit. Occasionally I’ll see my brother at my dad’s and we have bland conversations but there’s no way we’d contact each other at any other time.

You can’t go NC with someone and still see them at nieces and nephews’ birthday parties. It just doesn’t work like that.

Also, no way will you be able to maintain a close relationship with your father if he still lives with your mother. Unless they basically have no relationship and live separate lives in the same house.

Going NC with someone blows up all the mutual relationships you have. You have to decide if it’s worth it.

‘Going NC’ is v fashionable on mn but to me it seems the ultimate example of a grown adult having a drama queen toddler tantrum. Unless your mother is actively beating you up - or did so on a daily basis as a child - I’d try just talking to them or not seeing much of them, or letting their words was over you. It’s called being an adult.

im sorry but this had to be said.

You’ve drawn rather arbitrary lines on when it’s acceptable to go NC there. Other people have different boundaries on the treatment they accept from others.

Going NC with one person massively blows up relationships with anyone close to them.

Its highly unlikely that you’ll be able to maintain a close relationship with your father whilst going NC with your mother. Practically and emotionally that’s going to be difficult. I mean, if someone went NC with you and you felt you’d done nothing wrong (as your mother is likely to) would your DH still stay close to them or would his localities lay with you?

You may find that birthday party invitations and the likes start to dwindle if it’s awkward for people. I went NC with my eldest brother because of his behaviour (violence and abuse - taking after my father). In the few years since I’ve basically lost all of that side of my family because he made it so difficult for everyone that they had to choose - and it was easier to not invite the quiet, polite one who’ll make no fuss.

Also depending on your reasons people will judge it, which may impact your relationship with them. I wouldn’t visit my estranged father when he was dying and several people were very very openly critical. This is a man from whom I was removed at age 7 after the level of his abuse toward my siblings and I emerged.

To go NC is very difficult. It causes waves through relationships. You need to be prepared for you and your children to be cut off by everyone around your mother before you do it.

I was NC with my mother and all of her family sided with her. This was unexpected and hurtful. It was fine with my brother though, he stayed pretty neutral.

Be prepared that relatives will likely side with your mother OP.

Please do not imply that physical abuse is the only kind that matters.

If you have nothing helpful to say…

Strong disagree with @Mousemat25

Op I think it would be difficult to achieve NC when you are bumping into her and she's still in your circle. News of her and your family will also cross both ways because it will be difficult for some people not do so. There will likely be teams for and against the NC. Unless you cut them ALL off there will be drama. So I think if you can go LC I would choose this option.

You say why should she have photos of my children... unless she is a threat to your children then their relationship with granny is independent of you and your feelings towards her.

Nobody goes NC with a parent because it's fashionable. What a ludicrous idea.

Do you genuinely believe emotional abuse isn't real or are you just being unpleasant?

I'm NC with my father. Last week I was at my sisters wedding and we didn't say a word to each other. Hopefully that's the last time I'll see him

I really feel for you. Posters saying it's fashionable obviously have no idea what it is like to actually live this.

I am NC with my MIL, was low contact for a couple of years but it has recently escalated. Due to the element of control she has over people's lives, I have accepted this also means I will not have a relationship with my FIL, but feel that he could have done more to help the situation before, and never did, so maybe it is for the best.

Luckily for me I am still able to maintain relationships with their children and grandchildren, through just seeing them independently. Is this something you feel you could try?

I would also say make use of the block function on your phone, WhatsApp etc. If you don't feel comfortable leaving the family group, then mute it and don't contribute. You can always message individuals.

@girlfrien ·''Our parents aren't perfect but we aren't either.'' People usually cut off a relative not because they are ''imperfect'' but because they are abusive/toxic. Big difference. Abuse is never acceptable.

@Mousemat25 ‘Going NC’ is v fashionable''. Ludicrous.

I am NC with all my relatives on my mother side after I cut contact with her. But I was never close to any of them to start with. We lived somewhere isolated and I probably saw them once a year at the most when I was a kid and then I moved to another country when I was still young to escape the family environment. When I disclosed the abuse later on in life, relatives made some sympathetic noises initially then reverted to denial so I stopped interacting with any of them.

It must be hard for you to manage having to stop interacting with your mother but finding a way to continue to see other family members. Be prepared for some judgements, questions and people trying to convince you to change your mind. Do whatever is best for your mental health.

It depends how the rest of the family would react, if they can see that you're doing the right/a necessary thing or if they think you're over reacting.

I don't have any plans to go NC with anyone, but I know that if I cut off my mum, dad would support her and that would be the end of my relationship with him too. My sister would try to understand and maintain some contact, but it would make things awkward for her and rule out any big family occasions.

We did go NC with DH's parents. For a while we still saw his sister a bit, but that fizzled out, I think for an easier life for her.

OP, if you still want to see your father, surely he could come to your house without your mother? Ditto other combinations of relatives.
I was nc with both my parents, but they lived over 400 miles away, so it wasn’t difficult. I still had contact with my sister by phone and email.
You need to decide whether you want to attend gatherings where your mother will be present - it might be possible to do so while avoiding any direct interaction, eg at a large wedding in a big venue - or it might be stressful and unpleasant if crammed into a small sitting room with her and the family.
I think you just need to work out where you want to draw your lines.