If you have gone no contact with a parent, how did you maintain relationships with the rest of your family?

[RestIsBest]

Thinking of going NC with my Mum but we do a fair bit as a family as in my parents, me and siblings and our partners and our kids. I won't be able to avoid seeing her e.g. at niece and nephews birthdays etc. Christmas Day is usually spent at her house which means I'll miss out on Christmas with everyone else. We have a family group chat too which she is a part of, do I leave this chat? Why should she receive pics of my children etc? Or do I go low contact instead? What is even the difference? Do I just tolerate her at these events and on the group chat?Sorry I know this isn't really an AIBU but I often see people on here who are NC and just looking for advice on how it is managed.

Also the reason is because I find her to be a cold, critical, interfering, emotionally abusive woman who brings zero joy to my life and brings a lot of unhappiness to it

Op - in my experience low contact is the way to go if you can possibly manage that. No contact is very very difficult in reality. Every Christmas, Easter, birthday becomes very fraught. The problems tend to deepen and solidity as time passes. A close relationship with your father and other family members will be impossible, as you are effectively asking them to choose by splitting the family. They may try to straddle both camps for a while in hope of a reconciliation, by ultimately your relationship will become increasingly strained.

I tried to continue a low contact with one of my parents in order to have a relationship with the other but he started targeting my children. So it was impossible to continue. It felt very fake just talking about the weather etc in order to maintain some emotional distance, so it wasn’t a great loss when I had to go completely no contact. Now we simply organise our own family Christmas with friends or the other side of the family. I plan each occasion far in advance as to not feel fragile and sad on the day. I don’t have a relationship with my sibling as he doesn’t agree with my decision to go no contact, everyone will judge you - trust me even when they have witness police call outs and violence. You are in some families still expected to put up with it regardless.

be very careful

Wow I could have written this, in exactly the same situ at the moment. Currently reeling from a horrible row on Monday with my mother. I have a broken ankle at the moment and myself, dh and dd have been staying with her and my dad. All the stuff growing up has all come back, all the rows with my mother, the way she can be so mean, critical, the bare faced lies. My dad on the other hand is amazing and keeps the family together. My plan is to go low contact not no contact. I think it would be too damaging for the rest of the fam to go no contact.
Something I think about often is how sad and regretful I would feel if something awful happened to her, but after her performance on Monday I know that her issues are her issues and I wasn't ever able to change her

Agree with others that it blows up your other relationships. My siblings prioritised the parental relationship over the sibling one which I understand but it’s still painful. They understand my perspective but don’t agree with what I did. The social events calendar continues but I’m just not part of it.

The wider family either don’t speak to me or they’ve not been told and I get a text every birthday/Xmas and that’s it.

Oh, and ignore the idiots suggesting that going NC is the latest craze alongside scrunchies and K-pop. Completely ridiculous and a dead giveaway that they’ve no concept of what a bad parental relationship looks like.

Both LC and NC are tough. You could maintain separate contact with your Dad, provided you both accept the elephant in the room and agree not to discuss.
Family events expect to be written out of. You will often be expected to bow out or celebrate with family members separately.
You will feel bereft at Xmas. You may feel hurt, resentment or relief or a mixture of emotions. Your sibling(s) may do one of the following:

1. Try to bring you together with your Mum (mediation)
2. Try to pass messages from your Mum (flying monkey)
3. Try to stay neutral (Switzerland)
4. Disinvite you from events entirely
5. Take your Mum's side

I have been NC and LC with different family members, sometimes my choice, sometimes theirs. Both types hurt and I struggle a lot tbh I would also say that having someone go NC with you without saying why is like a bereavement with no closure.

Really, I tried the low contact but ever contact ended with me hurt and depressed. Maybe I should talk to my parent who told me its a shame my cancer didn't kill me as a dead daughter would be better than me and this only because she asked me if I loved her more than my husband and I said no. The rest of the family blame me for hurting her feelings.

My very dilemma. I think if I went nc, I’d lose contact with the rest of the family who would think I was a bad person.

I've gone NC with my mother, though not intentionally. It all kicked off at an aunt's wedding. I had no involvement in any of it, but because I didn't join in with the ganging-up, I've been ostracised by almost all her side of the family. It's been 3 years and I've realised I'm better off away from the drama and toxicity.

I didn't keep contact with anyone!

My mother's husband wasn't my father anyway - never met my father - so no loss there as he hated me. (He was the father of my two half siblings though.)

Mother dumped me upon various relatives from being 4 years old. She married her husband, had her new family and moved miles away so I saw her rarely. She took great delight - along with some of her relatives - in making my life an absolute misery for many years until I finally decided I had had enough. I married a fantastic guy and took the decision I did following the birth of my DD.

This was all over 30 years ago and I had absolutely no contact with her or any of her family ever again. Most of them are dead now - I found out via the internet - and the only feeling I had was a great sense of relief!

‘Going NC’ is v fashionable on mn but to me it seems the ultimate example of a grown adult having a drama queen toddler tantrum. Unless your mother is actively beating you up - or did so on a daily basis as a child - I’d try just talking to them or not seeing much of them, or letting their words was over you. It’s called being an adult. Yeah, that’s why people cut out contact with one of the most significant people we have in our lives. We see everyone else doing it and think ‘Ooh, that seems fashionable, I’ll have to give that a whirl’. Going NC is the new black, don’t you know?🙄

I'm sorry but this had to be said There was really no need to continue after the first two words.

No, being an adult is being able to walk away from toxic relationships whatever form they take. Would you let racist words wash over you? How about jokes about your disabled child? If you can't imagine a reason an adult would go no contact beyone actively being beaten then you're living a very priviledged life.

Completely agree with all of this. My mother was a total narcissist, my brother was her messenger.

I've gone no contact with BIL + SIL + kids and they're never really out of your life if their pictures are at your other relatives house or you have to avoid going to visit Nan cos they're there.. regular pangs of pain still happen..
my MIL put my three year old dd on a FaceTime call with the above estranged kids last week and my blood boiled. She has no clue who they are and followed was lots of questions and a heavy heart.

I am NC with my mum. She had no relationships with other family members (I mean, they are arseholes, but that probably says something, doesn't it?), so I didn't really grow up close to my family. So it's been a non-issue. In terms of shared mutual friends, some have cut her off too, some have cut me off, some have maintained separate relationships with both of us and are respectful of my decision.

We are also NC with a family member of dh's. The rest of the family knows this. They will come to see us rather than us going to visit them (we are not welcome in dh's family home). There are situations where we just don't go to family events if this person will be there. Or sometimes the family member is not invited so that we can attend. There has only been one occasion over the year's (a family wedding) where we obviously couldn't do things separately, so we both attended, but pretended like the other wasn't there and they also kept their distance.

That said, the reasons we are NC are due to historical sexual abuse and current risk to our dc. So we take it very seriously. If not for that, I could imagine being more comfortable being at more of the same events but having no other relationship just to keep the peace within the family and make things a bit easier all around.

I should add to the above, that it was the police safeguarding officer who advised us that our dc should have no contact with these family members due to risk of abuse. It's not a drama queen tantrum. 🙄

If you can carve out some kind of low contact relationship either directly or indirectly with your mother you would be able to keep the status quo. If that is what you want.

Have you tried everything to explain how you feel to her?

NC should be the very last resort as the costs and sacrifices to many of us can be very high.

Its worth noting some parents won’t stand for low contact and will create as much tension and upset as possible or worse. Some parents are very aware that you are backing away and will create merry hell, and will be outraged. So be prepared not every parent reacts well.

Create your own little family op - great friends can be so good for your life

NC is usually about abuse including emotional abuse which may not be apparent to those outside of the relationship. I don't think anyone dies this lightly. The bond with a parent is very strong and it takes a lot for it to break.

Yes 100% snog

I have had countless conversations over the years regarding my thoughts and feelings surrounding her awful behaviour and communication (ultimately emotional abuse), but it falls on deaf ears. I can tell she does not have the self awareness to be able to make the necessary changes, and she greatly lacks empathy. I actually imagine she is going to get worse as she gets older. In hindsight NC isn't realistic. I will end up with zero family which I do not want because besides my Mum, I have really good relationships with everyone else, especially my Dad. I need to figure out what LC looks like for me, but more importantly I need to grieve that I will never have the Mum or the relationship I wished for. Thing is, I know this intellectually but can't seem to be able to truly accept this. I just constantly find her behaviour so hurtful. And I can even imagine that she is perhaps this way due to being raised in such a cold, unloving, critical and abusive way by her own parents. But it doesn't make it any easier for me to deal with. I genuinely feel so jealous when I see other people out with their children and their Mother and seem to have such loving, supportive relationships. I just need to figure out how to maintain a close relationship with my Dad whilst LC with my Mum.

Sorry to all those in similar situations. It truly does leave a wound and I don't think the scar ever truly heals

I would have counselling to work through the feelings you have. And the resentment.
You may find you eventually feel acceptance. You can’t change it, so you accept things as they are, it is what it is - and celebrate the better relationships you have.
Msybe others would feel jealous of your relationship with your father?

It sounds like you have plenty of family relationships that do work well for you. That is a massive bonus op. If you have dc you can create a loving connection with them, and enjoy the warm relationship you didn't have.

Try to organise one to one time with your father, siblings so you are able to enjoy time without your mother and learn to ignore and brush off her comments. ‘ thanks mum so glad you noticed my dented car/weight gain/ tired face’ and stop caring or giving weight to her opinions.

Incorrect - my extended family on my mothers side are all extremely close (see grandparents and aunts once a week, all spend Christmas and holidays together) and I was what most people would consider ‘very close’ to my parents - socialised with them frequently etc. So to me going no contact seemed impossible. But it was only after months of therapy for constant panic and anxiety I was experiencing that I realised how toxic they were and how awful they made me feel.

I went no contact with either of them, left all group chats with them in and blocked both of their numbers and it’s the best thing I ever did - I am so much happier, my relationship is better, the constant anxiety and panic is gone, my harsh inner critic has been silenced. So I can say that going no contact was actually VERY MUCH worth the hassle.

Yes this has meant that I don’t attend family events and that I don’t see my other family as much but I have set a clear boundary with everyone in my extended family that if they want to have a relationship with me that I do not want to have debates about whether I should speak to my parents or not and so far I still see everyone else.

Parents are not perfect no but as adults we are all responsible (including our parents) for how we treat and make other people feel. It is not our job to follow people around constantly sweeping up the emotional messes they leave behind while they make no effort to alter their behaviour.

As adults we are all responsible (including our parents) for how we treat and make other people feel. It is not our job to follow people around constantly sweeping up the emotional messes they leave behind while they make no effort to alter their behaviour.

My DH is NC with his parents, he has 3 brothers who all witnessed the event that finally broke the relationship beyond repair. It was horrific, it still gives me nightmares, both parents behaved like animals.

Yet now 13 years later they still as grown men in their own homes with their own wives and children say they cannot have any relationship with us until DH apologies to his parents.

He did try years ago feeling it was making him look bad that he had no relationship with his family and his Dad told him to fuck off. So there is nothing he can do. His brothers are being told one story by his evil dad and his insane mother- while we know the truth. DH was the scapegoat child, the eldest who "forced" his parents to marry and his dad disliked him ever since.

If you go NC the narrative of why will be slyly changed until they look like the ultimate victim and you are in the wrong. In our case its now mainly my fault (I had nothing to do with it) so if we meet his DB in the street they will talk to DH but not to me

I would be curious to know just how you justify your fathers acceptance of your mothers treatment of you?

Only because I have a similar dynamic (but the opposite way around). For years I saw my mother as a ‘victim’ of my emotionally abusive father, just like the rest of us were and it was a role she played well. She was just the ‘loveliest’ ‘nicest person’ and it was always ‘poor mum being stuck with dad’.

It was only when I learned about passive parenting that I realised that she too was as much a part of the abuse I suffered, as she was the adult and I was the child and she was supposed to protect me. I would really recommend you read the book ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’ as this may help you understand a lot of your feelings about both parents and whether or not you truly want to have a relationship with your father.

I went nc for 35 years with my father, got on very well with the rest of the family, who all understood, especially my siblings. I went to his funeral and got chatting with a cousin who said 'We all knew what was going on when you were a child, and it's a shame nobody did anything'.