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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting MIL

77 replies

oceaneyesq · 01/08/2022 16:00

My fiancé and I are getting married.

Originally we planned on a big white wedding in his mums garden.

However his MIL is overbearing and has said something completely unforgivable. (Said I lied about having a miscarriage, you may remember my other thread)

I think she's done this to drive a wedge and to stop OH moving (we are long distance, he lives near her and is moving to me) she can't bear the thought of him moving...

Anyway... we are currently on holiday in the states. Seeing the sights and seeing people have quicky weddings...

OH suggested we do a legal wedding here, just the 2 of us, and I'm ok with that... we can have a fancy party back home with our friends and family

i don't want OH to regret not seeing me in a dress or having a real wedding, he says he doesn't care and we can always have a wedding later...

His family will be devastated as he's the only boy, the youngest and the last to marry. He isn't bothered but I don't want any upset. We will have a "proper" wedding at some point

AIBU to just go ahead and get hitched? Has anyone else done a wedding without it being a wedding?

Tell me your courthouse wedding stories ...

OP posts:
roadtohapiness · 01/08/2022 18:05

I would say “do it” if you both were in the UK. He seems like he’s scared of his family and would rather get married without them near by because he can’t stand up for your relationship.

Titsflyingsouth · 01/08/2022 18:12

Go to Vegas for a weekend, OP. They have made an industry out of quick weddings. You will need to ensure you arrive with enough time to go to the Clark County record office and get a marriage licence. Once you've got your license there are literally hundreds of places to get married. Some very silly, some more tasteful. We had a garden wedding in a venue on the edge of town. Just us, our witnesses and a pond full of ducks....

Lots of the wedding chapels will let you book packages which will include a car, flowers and photos. There are wedding dress shops with lots of off the peg dresses for all shapes and sizes. All the hotels have beauty parlours where you can get wedding hair and nails done.

Honestly, so ridiculously easy to organise....

forrestgreen · 01/08/2022 18:25

Let them know once it's done, send a mass wedding photo email out. (Then turn off your phone for a few days... connection issues etc...!)
Let them get it out of their systems whilst you're far far away.

bubblescoop · 01/08/2022 18:28

I think you’d come to regret it.

hopeishere · 01/08/2022 18:30

Do it. How people react will tell you what they are really like.

JorisBonson · 01/08/2022 18:32

bubblescoop · 01/08/2022 18:28

I think you’d come to regret it.

Why?

RealBecca · 01/08/2022 18:34

It smacks to me that he doesnt want to actually deal with the drama at home as hes hoping you'll get over her comments in time and it will all drift back to being normal for him.

Soninwouldnt give him the satisfaction and let him pick the easy way which means he doesn't have to stand up for you.

PimientoRojo · 01/08/2022 18:35

I'd have loved to have had a bit of a "do" for my wedding but circumstances meant we just did it ourselves with 2 best friends as witnesses. Although I have a great relationship with my MIL now, unfortunately at the time she was much better friends with my partners ex and would have pushed to have her there (madness at the time but hey, not my madness).
So, to completely avoid drama, we just did it and it was stress free and magical on the day.

crazeekat · 01/08/2022 18:52

DO IT!!! please make urselves happy and don't bother about another single person!! It's ur marriage go for it!! U can pick up a white summer dress, pair of shoes, flower in ur hair and off u go, groom, nice pair of shorts or trousers, linen shirt, smart casual, uz will be gorgeous! X

Bogofftosomewherehot · 01/08/2022 18:55

I got married in the USA nearly 20yrs ago. We HATED the idea of a big wedding. Difference is, we said to family that we were getting married on X date, x location and it was up to them if they came... they did but with the expected protestations and trying to change our minds. We have never regretted it and would happily have done it just the 2 of us with a couple of random witnesses.

We arranged a blessing on our return - huge mistake as I only did it to keep IL's happy and I really regret it as we spent money we didn't have to only have rows about that instead of an actual wedding.

I say do it! you can hire a dress and the venue can probably help. They helped me with a bouquet and photos.

Windingshrubberies · 01/08/2022 18:58

Do it.

We got married in the USA on holiday, I had a white dress but not a 'wedding dress' and had some beautiful fake flowers. I did pay for hair and and make up and we hired a photographer who doubled up as our witness.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 01/08/2022 18:58

hopeishere · 01/08/2022 18:30

Do it. How people react will tell you what they are really like.

This was certainly my experience. I found there was a lot of truth in that old maxim 'the people who matter don't mind, and the people who mind don't matter.

supersop60 · 01/08/2022 19:17

AngelicInnocent · 01/08/2022 16:04

Just so you are aware, you will probably need to get legally married here as well.

Nope. If it's legal in US it will be legal in UK.
(Unlike my niece's wedding in Spain, which was on a clifftop, and needed a UK marriage certificate first.)

Wheredoestheblackfluffcomefrom · 01/08/2022 19:22

Do you need birth certificates? If so fedex?

buy a nice, glamorous dress/suit, wear great shoes. Feel great and go for it.

PinkPanther50 · 01/08/2022 19:25

Do it! FaceTime them, and your family, so they can’t say they weren’t included!

twinmum2007 · 01/08/2022 19:42

Flew to Vegas on Thursday, got married at a Chapel on Friday, flew back on Sunday, were back in the office on Tuesday. Didn't tell anyone for a week, then arranged a fabulous party for a couple of months later. Cost £1500 (party was on top.of that). Wouldn't have changed it for the world.

Whatever00 · 01/08/2022 19:56

oceaneyesq · 01/08/2022 16:16

Did any of you do the wedding without the dress and flowers etc?
I'm thinking of just doing it, apparently we can get a licence within a day and marry any time after that, so it just makes sense to just do it

Get a beautiful dress if that's what you want. I'm sure you can get anything you want.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 01/08/2022 19:59

AngelicInnocent · 01/08/2022 16:04

Just so you are aware, you will probably need to get legally married here as well.

No she won't. Its perfectly legal as long as its registered at the courthouse afterwards.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 01/08/2022 20:03

Headbandheart · 01/08/2022 16:31

Just check how to register your marriage in uk once back. I assume nothing magic happens with USA informing uk …make sure you get right documentation in states to use back in uk

You can no longer register a usa wedding in the UK, but you don't need to

ThePumpkinPatch · 01/08/2022 22:05

Tacky tacky tacky! Sorry OP but you did ask for opinions!
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for simple weddings. I don't believe in spending thousands on one day and play-acting like you're royalty when you're likely in debt for the privilege - just why?!
But these quickie Vegas-style weddings are horrendously tacky and make a mockery of the sanctity & meaning of marriage.

roadtohapiness · 02/08/2022 01:47

He’s scare of his family. He can’t stand up for you both. Are you sure you want this? Do you think your problems will magically disappear because you both got married (quite cowardly) in USA?

Flippety · 02/08/2022 02:29

Do it! We did and it was the best thing for various reasons. Some people were annoyed but it’s about you not them.

Liorae · 02/08/2022 02:39

26 years and I have no regrets for not doing the big wedding . Never wanted it.

StClare101 · 02/08/2022 02:56

We were married in front of two witnesses at the registry office. It was perfect!

Ilady · 02/08/2022 03:11

At the end of the day a wedding is the marriage of you and him. Do you really want the cost and hassle of a big wedding? Do you want to be dealing with his mother and her complaining about what ever you plan? Then she could expect you and him to invite her friends to your wedding.
Would your own parents or other family members be unhappy if you were not having a wedding at home?
If you were to get married in America how would your husband deal with his mother?
I know she won't be happy but I think no matter who he wanted to marry she would find a fault. She has been nasty to you in the past and I don't think this will improve.
Do you want to get married before you have a family? You could be waiting a while for a free day in certain wedding venues.
You could spend a lot of money on a wedding. You could put that money towards a house deposit or to move into a family home.
Get married in America and then when you come home organise a party for friends and family. It will cost you less and you won't have fuss to deal with including his mother.
If she does not go to the party it her loss not yours.