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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting MIL

77 replies

oceaneyesq · 01/08/2022 16:00

My fiancé and I are getting married.

Originally we planned on a big white wedding in his mums garden.

However his MIL is overbearing and has said something completely unforgivable. (Said I lied about having a miscarriage, you may remember my other thread)

I think she's done this to drive a wedge and to stop OH moving (we are long distance, he lives near her and is moving to me) she can't bear the thought of him moving...

Anyway... we are currently on holiday in the states. Seeing the sights and seeing people have quicky weddings...

OH suggested we do a legal wedding here, just the 2 of us, and I'm ok with that... we can have a fancy party back home with our friends and family

i don't want OH to regret not seeing me in a dress or having a real wedding, he says he doesn't care and we can always have a wedding later...

His family will be devastated as he's the only boy, the youngest and the last to marry. He isn't bothered but I don't want any upset. We will have a "proper" wedding at some point

AIBU to just go ahead and get hitched? Has anyone else done a wedding without it being a wedding?

Tell me your courthouse wedding stories ...

OP posts:
doodlywoodlydingdong · 01/08/2022 16:57

Do it, it sets the tone that you and your OH are a team with the same priorities. If you DON'T do it then she will carry on with her ridiculous expectations.

Quarique · 01/08/2022 16:58

We eloped, no guests at all, it was perfect and a suprisingly special and intense moment between just the two of us with no distractions.

MIL was furious and hasnt spoken to us for several years, bonus!

Brented · 01/08/2022 16:59

Yep, just the two of us in the US. You definitely don’t need to do anything to register your marriage when you get back - as long as you have the certificate you are grand. I honestly don’t think your OH will care about not seeing you in a dress, I have never heard any husband being put out by that - and if they were, then it’s probably not the person I would want to marry, surely he just wants to see you happy whatever you are wearing!

Sounds like a win-win to me. Our family and friends were fine about it. We were originally going to have a party after but never got round to it. To be honest we’ve been to so many weddings they all just blur into one. I’m so glad we had our special day just the two of us, I can’t imagine anything more romantic.

RusholmeRuffian · 01/08/2022 17:06

Do it! Save yourself the stress and the money and just do it! You won't regret it.

JorisBonson · 01/08/2022 17:07

We got married just the 2 of us. Everyone got over it. Go for it!

girlmom21 · 01/08/2022 17:10

Ah do it!
You've got a day to get a dress if you really don't want to miss out on that part!

AnuSTart · 01/08/2022 17:13

I would love this.
I can't stand my ILs but my DP will regret not having a big shindig.
This is the important thing, is it what you both are happy with. If so, do it! It's for you, no one else.

Gymnopedie · 01/08/2022 17:13

My advice would be 'don't overrule your partner'. If he's prepared to back you up against a controlling mother, it's not your job to worry about his mother's feelings.

There have been a few threads on MN where the female OP has forced her OH into a relationship with his family that he didn't (usually for very good reasons) want. Then when things get nasty and her OH gets hurt she comes over all 'aren't they mean?' and has it pointed out to her that it wasn't her place to go against her OH. Don't be that OP!

OhmygodDont · 01/08/2022 17:16

Do it. You dp clearly just wants to be married to you. If you really want a dress I’m sure you’ll be able to find one.

what’s more important the marriage or the wedding?

Brigante9 · 01/08/2022 17:17

Do it. I wish we had, I saw a fabulously happy couple coming out of the registry office when I was passing. The drama of a white wedding is something I could have done without.

SequinsandStilettos · 01/08/2022 17:21

Hire a dress and tux over there.

ImAvingOops · 01/08/2022 17:23

I wish I'd got married without everyone else present - much more romantic imo and about the two of you as a couple, rather than being co-opted into a family event!
If your oh wants to go it, I say go buy a dress and get married!

FlissyPaps · 01/08/2022 17:26

source: married in Vegas 6 years ago.

This is my absolute dream!

… OP, do it! Marriages are between 2 people and 2 people only. You and your other half. Sod MIL. My friend is currently planning a big wedding. So much stress. So much money. Family falling out. It’s not worth it.

Chasingclouds100 · 01/08/2022 17:31

Absolutely do it - a good marriage is worth more than a good wedding! I got married in secret (just a few family members present) some of my family and friends have still not forgiven me but that is their issue as a big white wedding just wasn’t for us. I did wear a simple white dress, my sister made me a little posy to hold but there was no cars, speeches, sit down meal or photographer. We got married in a registry office and just had sandwiches and cake after at a converted barn we hired for a couple of nights. It was perfect. At the time my OH did not want to invite his mother as she is unbearably hard work, nasty and malicious but I insisted because I thought it would matter to him but she was an absolute nightmare on the day - she shouted at my DF for no reason, stormed off because she didn’t like the cake and during the actual wedding ceremony my DS decided he wanted to sit with my DS so she sulked the whole way through and wouldn’t even look at anyone or speak to anyone. Myself and my DC have recently become NC with her following an incident where she tried to punch me for no reason. I bitterly regret my decision to talk my OH into inviting her to our wedding. Please decide on your wedding to suit you and your OH nobody else. Oh and congratulations!

huuskymam · 01/08/2022 17:33

Do it. We spent 13 year engaged cause we didn't want a big wedding but it was expected by both families. And the stress was through the roof just thinking about it. We both have a lot of aunts and uncles who were expected to be invited (irish wedding, not much hope of being turned down) We went to Gretna Green and told no one except my sister and his brother. We had them as witnesses, and 2 cousins that lived nearby. Best thing we ever did. Had a fab few days sightseeing and then back to reality on the Monday. We booked a kids free holiday as a honeymoon a few months later.

SpilltheTea · 01/08/2022 17:36

Do it if you're both happy with that. It's your wedding, not anyone else's. It doesn't matter what they want. You'll save so much money too that would have been wasted for the sake of dramatic family members.

easyday · 01/08/2022 17:42

My bil got married in his wife's country - Australia. Not many of his family went. They had a blessing here and she wore her dress again.
In some countries you do the legal bit at a registry office and do a blessing another day.
You can wear a dress at your party and a simple one at your ceremony.
My husband's divorce was held up and my father, who I can barely believe suggested it as he was pretty conservative in this way (but totally out there in others), said why not have a big reception and just get married quietly later when legally able? I was 40 at the time and I think he was worried about grandkids if things dragged on too long! My husband however wanted to do it 'properly' and we waited (and I did go on to have two kids).
You'll just be doing it the other way round.
But your mil will be in your life for a while so I'd also try and repair that relationship, though the onus is on her to make it right with you.

Bonheurdupasse · 01/08/2022 17:45

Do it!

Georgyporky · 01/08/2022 17:45

I got married in Las Vegas, wearing the cleanest dress in my suitcase!
We could have hired all the trimmings, but didn't want to.
From making just one 'phone call, we were married less than 2 hours later.

A legal marriage in USA is legal in UK. At that time, L.V. had the least red-tape, so no residential qualifications, no medical exams etc.

Do it, & I hope you live happily ever after.

chilliesandspices · 01/08/2022 17:47

Where are you in America? In some states they have Quaker weddings where you can get a licence, do the vows just the two of you then submit a piece of paper.

SuperCamp · 01/08/2022 17:47

Lot of worry about his family, what about yours?

There will be upset in his family come what may because of the abandonment of the MIL garden plan, so what’s to lose?

However, would your own family be the baby chucked out with the bath water?

Pinkwaterbortle · 01/08/2022 17:49

We did it and it was lovely. Just us and 2 witnesses and we went out for steak after. No dresses or pomp, just us and our vows. We will have a reception and renewal on our 10th wedding anniversary next year but everyone whilst a bit sad we’re understanding.

it’s about you and your fiancé and no one else.

peaceandharmonyinalltheworlddd · 01/08/2022 17:53

Honestly just do it. If it makes you happy!

We had a lovely big wedding but it was a lot of stress. MIL gate crashed, started throwing food and was absolutely hammered

DH has been NC since, and v v v low contact when we got married as she walked out on him when he was 12...

But she got wind of where we were getting married. She got kicked out with surprisingly minimal fuss as she was so trollied she just sort of slumped into a cab

If I ever had to do it again, I'd go with something intimate and fun.

gogohmm · 01/08/2022 18:00

Us marriages are automatically married here, just don't loose your certificate as I did, struggled to get duplicates

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 01/08/2022 18:02

We eloped: married in a beautiful, romantic city on the continent and then went travelling in the region for our honeymoon.

I've never for an instant regretted it, and if I could go back in time and do the same thing over again, I would. DH feels the same. Most people were delighted for us. The in-laws took offence, but they're the type to take offence regardless so it made no odds. Not unlike your own in-laws, OP, I've distanced myself from mine following unforgivable behaviour surrounding my multiple miscarriages and the death of my mother.

I'm another one saying do it!