Infertility is ruining my life

[whattheactualfck]

As the title says - infertility is ruining my life. It's controlling my every thought. It's ruining my sex life. It's ruining relationships with friends and families. I literally feel like I eat, sleep, breathe infertility.

Does this feeling ever go away or ease?

I'm awaiting a laparoscopy to remove endo (which I'm suspecting is gonna be pretty significant although asymptomatic) and a hydrosalpinx tube. I'm absolutely praying to the god of all gods that it's only the one tube that's destroyed.

I just can't see a way past feeling so useless essentially. I feel like my body has failed me and that my husband is going to one day leave me if I can't get pregnant naturally or via ivf.

Ivf terrifies me. I'm the worlds biggest wimp, can barely swallow a paracetamol!!! What if it doesn't work? How can I live my life without my baby?

I'm sorry for this rambly, wingey post. I never expected this diagnosis and I, like every other woman struggling to conceive, 'didn't think it would happen to me'. I just feel very alone with no support from real life family and friends.

No, the feeling doesn’t go away in the short term. But you won’t be alone even if you feel like it.

ivf is more about needles than tablets which sounds scary but tbh it cured me of any needle phobia after needing to inject myself eleventy billion times.

it’s a shit situation but depending on age you have a good chance of ivf working, and if not there are still other options.

it will feel very dark, I know. But there are ways to give your life meaning and there are ways forward. Thinking of you.

@HappyMediocreTime

Thank you for replying to me.

I luckily don't have a needle phobia - just a general wimp!

I'm 30 - do you think this is ok? I'm kicking myself for not seeing a doctor years ago regarding my endometriosis then maybe I wouldn't have got to this stage.

Thank you again - this darkness is unlike anything I've ever experienced. It's so difficult to describe it to 'outsiders' but I know people who have suffered with infertility understand it immediately xx

Well it's certainly been hideous here and taken over my life for the last few years.
IVF is great if it works, but it doesn't always, and media portrayal of it that you'll get loads of eggs and all these frozen embryos just aren't how it is for everyone.
The injecting does become easier but watch out for any stupìd glass vials you have to break! (only certain medication, you may not need it)

One of the worst things is the unfairness and how much throwaway remarks from the casually fertile can hurt so much (often unintentionally, although sometimes thoughtless or insensitive).
No I don't need to hear how you are so fertile. No, trying for 4 months is not really the same. Yes, we do have sex.

And the suggestions to relax/go on holiday/just adopt/be glad you can sleep late are endless.

You're not alone but it can certainly feel like it.

I wont lie- it’s pretty shit.

But you do have to get a grip of it to the best of your ability. You are pretty young at 30. Your chances are probably good. You have to try not to let yourself go bonkers with it.

Do you have cash? If you do and can go private then things can move relatively fast.

for what it’s worth- I was unexplained infertility, but did have 3 kids- 2 ivf and one a (happy) homemade surprise.

what I would say, and I don’t hear people talking about enough- is that if you can get to the point where you have genetically viable embryos you are a long way down the road.

wishing you well with it.

Didn't want to read and run OP. I'm 3 weeks post lap surgery for stage 4 endo removal along with my left Fallopian tube. Recovery is going well 🤞🏻 Currently in the limbo wait for IVF / fertility support.

❤️ When DH and I started our TTC journey and subsequently found out it was going to be the biggest challenge we had faced as a couple to date, I gave him the option to go with love as I was worried he would think less of me. The opposite has been true, he has been my absolute rock. For reference he is 40 and I'm 36.

IVF scares the bejesus out of me too 😱 but that's fear of the unknown talking for me even with my extensive reading / asking questions about the process, I'm a chronic overthinker too which doesn't help matters. The unknowns for me are around how I'll 'be' during the process etc.

What has irritated me most so far with my endometriosis is it's obliterated my sick leave and then the potential of being off again for IVF related needs.

For me the feeling hasn't gone away but it bubbles in the mind constantly to varying degrees. I cope or give the impression of coping with it all by focussing my energy on something else, be it work, the house, even small tasks like deep cleaning the kitchen for the eleventy billionth time.

I can't take the pain or ease your constant thoughts about infertility however please know you aren't alone 💜 you might want to check out endometriosis UK too for support 💐

@mrsmacmc

Omg our situations are so so similar!!

It's my left tube too.

Have you been told you could still conceive naturally?

Thank you so much for your kind words. It's nice to hear from someone so similar xx

You are not alone. We who have travelled the same road absolutely hear you. The shame and fury. I remember locking myself in my car in a National trust car park, after 3 years of failed attempts and screaming and howling in despair as the cafe filled with happy families. I remember being so mean and jealous when hearing happy news from others. I lost friends, it out our marriage in a state. We had four failed ivf rounds. The drugs made my psychotic.

we were eventually successful.

you have a big handhold here. Xxx

@Rainyday4321

Do you think? In my head I feel so old compared to my friends who some are on to baby number 4! 🤯

Unfortunately we don't have much spare cash - I'm also worried about jeopardising any potential free ivf rounds by going straight to private. The waiting list for my laparoscopy is just unbearable. I've been on it almost a year now and still no further. Im in a constant state of limbo.

Sorry if this sounds stupid - what do you mean if I have genetically viable embryos im a long way down the road? Xx

@Northbynorthbreast

Thank you so much for replying - I completely understand how you felt. I too have found I'm feeling unbelievably jealous and mean.

Yet whenever I discover people who are pregnant who have suffered from infertility I am thrilled for them. It's so strange how I do have the ability to feel so happy for people like me but so bloody bitter about the others.

So you will know this is genuine when I say this - I'm so pleased you were eventually successful! Xx

@HeyMona

Yes I agree totally with you.
Since all of this began with me I have noticed how selfish (in my opinion) and blasé everybody behaves who is fertile. The complete sense of getting pregnant easily. being super fertile and all of the other stupid comments.

It's just amazing the things that others take for granted and seemingly are able to take for granted. Yet us struggling with infertility will never feel that 'freedom'. It really is a completely different world (as dramatic as that sounds!).

Our gynae consultant said that 'while the parts are there, there's still a chance' which sounds a bit condescending but did give me comfort. We've still not DTD since my surgery but hope to cross that bridge soon as AF is due next weekend and will give us a reset point. 💜

@mrsmacmc

Well that's definitely somewhat positive.

Mine has admittedly said that with one tube it's absolutely not an issue. But until he's performed the laparoscopy we don't know for definite exactly what is going on.

Did you have a hydrosalpinx too?

Sending you loads of love xx

It's fucking shit. I honestly think it's up there with one of the worst things a person can go through. Of course there are worse things, but I think the majority of people who have never been through it can understand. It's like a gnawing grief and it never leaves, only gets worse and it affects every aspect of your life. It's not like other things I've heard fertile people (on here especially) make comparisons to.

At 30 you have a great chance at IVF unfortunately with covid etc the waiting times I'm guessing are dire but time does go by quickly when waiting for treatment. But certainly up to age 36 you're in with a good chance.

I started ttc at 31, had my baby aged 39. Though she wasn't IVF but we did do a round when I was 34 which ended in miscarriage. Two friends the same age did IVF at the same time both were successful and now have 5 year olds.

It's totally anecdotal but everyone I met on my infertility journey over those 8 years ended up with a baby. I was the last one. I know that's not likely to bring you much comfort but you're really not alone. So many people struggle and many don't even talk about it. Hand hold here, and I've been there. It's not a nice place to be.

You're 30!!

I could understand feeling aggrieved if you were 40 or 45 but you're so young.

I started IVF at 34. Pregnant at 35. Then naturally at 36 then again IVf at 40.

I didn’t have endo- and really don’t know enough about that - so can’t comment, and it might be that it means my experience is irrelevant for you.

what I mean is that for us, what became clear ( or as clear as anything is in IVF land) was that I could produce eggs, they fertilised, but actually genetic testing proved that most of them were not viable. ( this was in the last round- I was also older)

the one genetically viable embryo I had was transferred - easy pregnancy and birth, healthy kid born when I was just shy of 41

so- my point is- if at all possible genetic testing of embryos is really worth it.

No point going through the heart ache of a transfer with an embryo that is not genetically viable- your chances of a healthy pregnancy are none. At best you don’t get pregnant, at worst you do and then miscarry naturally, or significant problems are picked up and you are likely to be having to make a decision to terminate or not a foetus that has serious and potentially life limiting problems, or you have a several disabled child

I don’t understand why this isn’t spoken about more…

I spent a year or so waiting to try and then have spent 4.5 years of my life waiting for babies. Went through consultation process and received a diagnosis and was on the list for IVF but thankfully conceived naturally. I'm on the other side now and can see just how broken I am from it.

TTC my first took me to a very dark place, I became obsessed with pregnancy announcements on social media, counting back to when they were married to see if they 'deserved' to conceive. I remember on my worst days being angry that a friend had announced when she was overweight and I wasn't. When DS told me she was pregnant I was happy and smiling but physically shaking from sadness. It stalled my life for so many years, staying in jobs I hated on the off chance it finally happened.

I can see the scars it has left me I am incredibly carefull in the language I use. I hear it casually said "when I have my third" but I can only say "if we were to have a third". The joy and excitement was gone from TTC and my anxiety was through the roof for the entire 9 months that something was going to go wrong. I didn't believe that i deserved to be happy.

I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope you get some support soon. I wish someone had said to me..if your heart wants it this badly you will be a mum, it might not look as instagramable or anything like what you had planned and it might take you to the hardest places/decisions but you can be a mum in some shape or form.

Hiya, just to say your not alone. It's a tough time we can just remain hopeful. It is very stressful though, I know.

I had a laproscopsy and a hysterscopy a few months back and it was absolutely fine.

OP, you're travelling on my road. I've parked up now with two beautiful children. I say that as someone who had years of infertility and nearly lost her mind TTC. Our issues were totally unexplained. For me IVF took a huge mental toll, but was a special kind of magic all of its own. Seeing your embryo on screen before being implanted is indescribable. I can promise you the mental side of this is far worse than any physical side affects of IVF. You are 30, you're in a great position. You'll do this x

💐 for you op.
it’s a very lonely, uncertain journey… I remember feeling all those things!
could you access some counselling? Looking back, I wish I had. I had acupuncture which made me feel good when we were going through ivf, that felt like a therapy session!

I’ve been there, 4 years of infertility nearly broke me (especially when long awaited ivf was cancelled due to covid, then once we did get a round of ivf, finally getting pregnant and miscarrying). Mine was unexplained but I had bad endometriosis confirmed by a laparoscopy so I’m sure that’s why. We were ultimately successful and I count myself really lucky.

30 is actually incredibly young in IVF terms, the IVF statistics are usually broken down into under 35 ( highest success rates), 36-38 (often still reasonable success rates), 39-42 (lower success rates) and 43+ (very low success rates). So age related issues largely come into play in the late 30s-40s. One of the reasons for this is that egg quality is a bigger marker of success than egg quantity, and quality declines rapidly in the late 30s.

i was terrified of IVF too and my DH had to do all my injections. But mentally there was something about it that was actually positive for me. Firstly there was no longer hideous pressure loaded ovulation sex that we had both come to dread. Secondly it was something proactive where I felt I was taking tangible steps each day towards my goal. Plus you get a lot of information at each stage about how your body responds and your chances become clearer.

Best of luck, you will get through this one way or another. The infertility boards on here are really supportive and it’s worth reading the book it starts with the egg as there are steps you can take now to get things in the best position for if/ when you do start IVF.

Hi op. I have lots of friends who struggled fo conceive for various reasons but had kids through different means. IVF, surgery, putting the sperm in artificially (can't remember what it is called). Some struggled to conceive their first baby then got pregnant quickly with their second or vice versa. There are lots of things that can be done now and you're still young.

And I have some friends who adopted children and they are also very happy. (One was because cancer at a young age made her infertile).

I think if you really want a child and this doesn’t work out you can still adopt which is what my sister did in this situation and the children are still very much here.

The worry about your husband leaving is more complicated. Have you talked to him about it? You know him, some men do do things like this, I guess they have the same feelings over their forced infertility and are also desperate to have their own kid no matter what. But if that’s not him then I would talk to him and maybe he can help you feel better?

💐 for you OP.

I didn't have to do IVF in the end but I had recurrent losses and so I have some idea how it feels when everyone around you seems to be getting pregnant and having babies easily and you don't know whether it will ever happen for you.

There's no point saying try not to let it take over your life because you can't help the way you feel. But do try to let yourself enjoy other things in your life for however long this takes, because it's so overwhelming when you can't think about anything else.

You're still young, which is great. Age is one of the biggest success factors for fertility treatment of any kind, and it's the one thing you can do nothing about.

OP I had endo removed at the start of August 2019 and got pregnant in September 2019. Apparently your fertility gets a huge boost the 6 months after endo is removed.

I am sorry you are going through this. Infertility is the worst grief I ever experienced because it doesn't leave you because you live in hope... You cannot close the door on a deep longing like this. When I was thirty i discovered my husband has klinefelters. This meant he was completely infertile...zero sperm. It was devastating and he would not accept donor sperm... For seven years we lived in limbo...the agony of infertility was truly horrendous.. At aged thirty seven there were additional things going on in my life and I had a nervous breakdown, in part I believe infertility caused this. However when I recovered we decided to go for doner sperm and IUI. However by this time my fertility had drastically reduced to undetectable on tests. We were refused IVF. After five unsuccessful attempts at IUI a doctor told us to give up, to for doner egg and sperm or adopt. By this time I was aged thirty nine. The NHS at that time treated up to aged forty. I decided I would call it a day at aged forty. My last IUI using doner sperm was on my fortieth birthday. I had given up and saw no chance of success. But the miracle happened...My son is twelve now.

Ten years of infertility was horrendous... I deeply sympathise with anyone on this journey.. If I can offer any hope it is that age is on your side and the fact you are being offered IVF this is a real hope and plus. I know the journey is hard and painful and can take over your life. I used to avoid family gatherings because I couldn't handle seeing all the other babies and kids.

don't give up and whilst you may feel you have a mountain to climb, you have not yet had the door completely shut on you so you may still have every chance of success and you have time...good luck