Infertility is ruining my life

[whattheactualfck]

As the title says - infertility is ruining my life. It's controlling my every thought. It's ruining my sex life. It's ruining relationships with friends and families. I literally feel like I eat, sleep, breathe infertility.

Does this feeling ever go away or ease?

I'm awaiting a laparoscopy to remove endo (which I'm suspecting is gonna be pretty significant although asymptomatic) and a hydrosalpinx tube. I'm absolutely praying to the god of all gods that it's only the one tube that's destroyed.

I just can't see a way past feeling so useless essentially. I feel like my body has failed me and that my husband is going to one day leave me if I can't get pregnant naturally or via ivf.

Ivf terrifies me. I'm the worlds biggest wimp, can barely swallow a paracetamol!!! What if it doesn't work? How can I live my life without my baby?

I'm sorry for this rambly, wingey post. I never expected this diagnosis and I, like every other woman struggling to conceive, 'didn't think it would happen to me'. I just feel very alone with no support from real life family and friends.

Big handhold from me, OP. I had childhood appendicitis which caused right tube hydrosalpinx. Left tube was not great either . Low ovarian function in my early 30s. I was told I would not conceive without ivf.
Had 2 failed ivf attempts. First time the eggs fertilised with more than one sperm so were useless. Second time ICSI was used, not to make sure the sperm went in but to make sure only one sperm went in. Got one grade 1 embryo but ten days later I had my period. So ivf was a failure for us but I coped with it fine mostly because I didn’t have a single side effect - my poor ovarian function meant I was on the highest level of ivf drugs but no symptoms at all, not so much as a headache. I found it a positive experience - aside from the eventual failure. Our money ran out then and we were on the nhs list at 31. I persuaded the Dr to flush the tubes which he said was unlikely to do anything but he did it on the nhs. Second cycle after I conceived and had DC(1). The Dr was the incomparable Jonathan Hewitt of Liverpool Womens who told me he had learned something from my case.
Tried for DC(2) 3 years later. Had 3 early mcs before DS(2) arrived when I was almost 41.
By now my ovarian function was crap so it was basically a lottery whether I would have more mcs or a viable pregnancy. After 3 mcs I knew I could keep going as I had got used to them - at least a few more times.
So my story involved a fair amount of misery - one Christmas straight after being told I would not conceive without IvF was awful. Next Christmas close family was pregnant but we’d had our first ivf failure.
Next Christmas I was 20 weeks with DS(1) - couldn’t quite believe it.
What was hard? Stupid comments from some (not all) family and hating the loss of privacy. It was either that or face endless questions about whether we were trying. I will NEVER do that to my DC.
What kept me going? My husband was my rock throughout. After the ivf failures we started on the adoption route which seemed to refocus my mind. And my faith- I don’t shout it much but I have always been a churchgoer and at times I had a profound sense of being supported. And always a sense of feeling cared for at Liverpool Womens.
Things seemed disastrous at times for us but worked out in the end and I hope they will for you 💐

Op I completely understand how you’re feeling. But please try to find some comfort in the fact that you’re 30, not 40. You’ve got time on your side.

I feel this in my soul :( sending huge hugs your way. I got pregnant, and subsequently miscarried, a baby I’d wanted for 2 years a few months ago and getting pregnant consumes literally all my thoughts :(

completely agree with comments that fertile people just don’t get it. I have a friend who drank alcohol, was very overweight, drank caffeine all through TTC and thinks I’m nuts for not doing that/being very health conscious… nope! I have to due to PCOS to even have a shot!!

Some of the stupidity that has come my way, especially recently….

’o well at least you won’t be pregnant during a heatwave’ - I’d literally take being pregnant any time in any circumstance rather than not be able to have a baby

‘wish you’d waited for me to try, we could be pregnant together’ - even if you try a year after me you’ll probably get pregnant first because of shitty unfair life

’at least you can enjoy the summer!’ - I’ll enjoy a summer when I have a baby in ny arms :(

sending Love xxxx

Problem is the risk of throwing away perfectly viable embryos. OP is 30. If she was pushing 40 I would agree with you about genetic testing but she is still young.

We’ve been there. I’m now forty with two young IVF kids.

What I will say is despite all the Instagram perfection you’re seeing I know only a handful of women who conceived exactly when they wanted and sailed through every pregnancy perfectly.

By contrast I know a dozen or so couples who needed fertility treatment. Five couples who adopted. At least two dozen women who had miscarriages. I also know maybe seven women who were incredibly ill during pregnancy, six NICU babies and a huge number who had post birth issues ranging from post natal anxiety/depression to physical complications. And that’s just the people who talk about these things with me or publicly.

In almost all of those cases you wouldn’t know from the outside. A fellow IVF mum still believes a mutual friend is childfree by choice. She asked, mutual friend lied as she didn’t want to talk about it.

It is a shit club, no one wants to be a member. And even once you have a family the grief of the journey clings to you. But like all grief it ebbs and flows. It’s not this intense forever. But the club does have a lot more members than you think. And we’re good at rallying around when we’re needed.

and because no one has mentioned it I do know three couples who never did have kids in the end. And it is sad, and I’m sure they have pangs of what if. But they know they did everything they were willing and able to try to have kids. They’ve built great lives despite that grief. Two took the opportunity to travel extensively taking jobs all over the world. The third have filled their house with dogs. You don’t need a full plan, but you do need an idea of the point that you would draw a line and walk away, and something you will do at that point.

And you need to keep living in the meantime. Obviously don’t go out and get hammered when you’re mid ivf but apply for the job, say yes to the invite, book the trip. Its important to not lose yourself or your relationship.

OP you’re not alone. It is shit. It’s isolating and as another pp said, the comments of just relax/just adopt….are endless and hurtful. I’d suggest shutting any of those comments down straight away. I had IVF and honestly it was fine, the needles aren’t too bad and you get used to it pretty quickly. A word of warning though and something I wish I’d been told is that the first round is usually considered diagnostic (at least that’s what our consultant said), so it’s almost as if the consultants don’t expect it to work. Ultimately it didn’t work for us but a year after we stopped IVF (due to family bereavement), we had a wonderful natural surprise. As for your age, we started TTC when I was 30, I’m now 35 and 34 weeks pregnant with our 1st. What I’m saying is that there’s still hope. Some things I did to cope were shutting off from social media (couldn’t cope with baby announcements), asked friends not to discuss how TTC/treatments are going unless I brought it up, I stopped changing my diet/lifestyle to a pregnancy one and just did things I enjoyed…I didn’t always work but certainly did help. Wishing you the best of luck ❤️

@Blossom45

Thank you so much. ❤️

What I'm afraid of the most is that ivf will be our only option. If both of my tubes are damaged (I know one is irreparable) then I rely entirely on ivf. What if that doesn't work?

I so desperately hope I can save one tube but I'm terrified of the what ifs. Xx

I hear ya! Took two years and some clomid to conceive our son. I wasn't too bad then dealing with it but it was clearly taking a toll on our marriage. Then I wouldn't hear of having a second as I couldn't face infertility again. When he was three the feeling overtook me and we decided to try again. I had no diagnosis so wasn't sure what we were dealing with.

We tried another two years without success while I watched all my mammy friends have a second baby and a third in some cases. My MH took an absolute dive and I feel like I missed my little boy's younger years as I was in a pit of despair. I wanted two children as inexplicable as that sounds when I should have been happy with my one.

We ended up spending thousands on ivf and on the second attempt it worked. I never considered that I would miscarry and i didn't. I can honestly say that holding that baby cured my MH issues which had developed due to infertility and I vowed to be the best mother to my two. I love them so much and they were so worth waiting for.

Ivf wasn't as hard as you think physically. It's more the emotional trauma of if it will work or not. I have a photo of the ivf doctor who gave me our youngest and I can't thank him enough.

I still always tell people i have another son at home if I'm out with just the youngest as I want people to know I have two. That sounds ridiculous but its important to me.

Infertility is awful. I wish I had known how widespread it can be but before TTC and talking to friends/colleagues about it I didn't realise how many women struggle with issues that make it difficult to have a baby. I had undiagnosed PCOS which affected my periods badly to the point I'd be having cycles of 100+ days sometimes, so it was near impossible to know if I was ovulating or if things were working correctly.

Our time TTC was relatively short in comparison to some people but for over 2 years I'd focus on little else and if I ever saw a pregnant lady or a new baby while out I'd wonder if our time would ever come. It is very hard and depressing to go through that and my thoughts are with you. I was referred to the fertility clinic at the hospital and had several procedures to try and work out the best way to help. In the end I was offered provera and 3 rounds of clomid. The first 2 rounds didn't work and by round 3 I'd given up and tried to stop obsessing about it because it was making our marriage miserable. Round 3 worked somehow and we were able to conceive our DD. DC2 was a complete surprise 18 months ago because I didn't think I could get pregnant without some assistance.

It's easy for me to say but don't give up hope. I know how hard and lonely the journey feels but you are not alone. Really wishing the best for you and that you get the baby you want.

We have had 5 rounds of IVF, good embryos every time but nothing stuck, DH has a failed Vasectomy reversal. I’m 37 and have given up.

Morning, I was part of the hydrosalpinx tube club too. When the consultant told me this it immediately made me think of Monica from friends when her and Chandler were going through their fertility journey and about her 'not being a good hostess' even though she prided herself in being a good host.

Post op catch up today with my consultant, let's see what the next chapter is going to look like 💜

OP, I’m sorry. It’s so hard, with the endless cycle of hope and despair. The main thing I want to say is that if it doesn’t work out, then it will still be okay. Life without children can be brilliant and fulfilling and purposeful and joyful, I promise.

You're not alone OP, and you aren't the only one feeling all these feelings - which are totally valid by the way. Infertility and then secondary infertility have been by far the worst thing I've ever had to go through and each and every day, I don't think I have the resilience for it anymore. It is completely and totally unfair and just so sad. I know you're be rolling your eyes and you've definitely waited long enough already but you definitely do have time on your side for there to be numerous options on your road ahead. Actual IVF isn't too bad, but failed IVF is the pits. Try to see if you can get some counselling, in any form. It is a thought to go through but it does help. I've also told my husband to leave me on numerous occasions and it hurts us both immeasurably, would you leave your husband if he had fertility issues? The pressure we put on ourselves is intense. I hope you get some progress soon.

I have had 4 embryo transfers which I have three positives and two children. I am a similar age to you OP. IVF isn't easy but you get used to the injecting etc. It is the emotional side I found most difficult.

Infertility sucks. Even though I have a happy ending you never escape it completely.

@mrsmacmc

Gosh we really are incredibly similar then. I haven't met many people who are part of the horrific hydrosalpinx club.

Praying for positive news for you today 🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍 xxx

Not entirely sure your first paragraph is that appropriate. 😬😬 Certainly wouldn't have appreciated that whilst I was still in the midst of my struggle.

Hi OP , was in a very similar situation to you 9 months ago, endo diagnosis, laparoscopy and facing IVF. I’m 30 too.

I can’t say I didn’t have any really crappy days, I had lot of them but 9 months later I’d say my life is pretty much back to normal. Successful lap, and a successful round of IVF with 4 frozen embryos (waiting to do my first frozen transfer soon).

The whole process (very luckily) brought me and DH a lot closer together. I had all the same worries and fears of him leaving me at the start.

The IVF was actually fine, the thought of it is definitely worse than the actual process in my experience. I was on short protocol and from starting injections to egg collection was about 2 weeks. It went over in a flash. PM if you like, I’ll help with any questions I can as I totally know how lost I felt at the beginning of everything.

Oh and I meant to say, I had a suspected Hydrosalpinx , when I had my lap the surgeon said it wasn’t actually one, he just removed some
of the endo and left the tube intact.

@Fivemoreminutesinbed 😘😘

@Ivfhopeful22

Wow really? This is hopeful...

What made your surgeon suspect a hydrosalpinx? Mine was seen on an mri.

Thank you for your kind words about ivf - you hear so many stories of how physically gruelling it is so it's welcoming to see someone who didn't actually find it too bad!

I'm terrified of the endo destroying my ovaries as well as tubes and me just having no chance whatsoever of anything. I'm a huuuuge black and white thinker so I never manage to see it from the middle. Everything either has to be perfect or everything is shit. There's no middle ground in my overthinking brain :(

Xx

We went for a fertility MOT as we’d been ttc for some time with absolutely no sign of anything happening. On my first scan the consultant said he could see something that looked like a Hydrosalpinx and referred me
to a gynaecologist. Gynaecologist agreed and said it looked like one (there was some sort of tube blockage) but he said they can’t tell for sure until they do the endo and get a proper look. I was fully expecting them to have removed the tube when I woke up from the op but he didn’t and it was ‘only’ endo.
My left ovary and tube is completely damaged (stage 4) and the endo tissue around my ovary has attached itself to my bowel so it’s quite severe BUT when I had the IVF the ovary did respond to treatment and there were follicles growing, I know it’s different for everyone but I just want to give you some hope that it’s not always worst case. They didn’t end up actually taking anything from my left ovary but that was due to my right ovary responding so well and I asked them not to attempt it (I was worried they’d do more damage although they said it would be fine).
Have they said they have seen a Hydrosalpinx on both ovaries/tubes?
Have you had any fertility tests? It really reassured me before the Lap that we’d had the tests and they confirmed I was ovulating and had a good AMH so it was good to know mentally that once I had the lap there wasn’t anything else in the way if that makes sense.

I second this. My journey didn’t end in motherhood either. But there can be life - and good life - after infertility.

You're not alone @whattheactualfck I could have written some of your posts myself. Our medical situations are different but from an emotioral perspective almost identical. I know exactly how you feel in regards to it being all consuming, affecting all parts of life.
I haven't found the solution but I guess I'm learning to live alongside the feelings and balancing them out with good bits when I can. It's tough, but I would recommend accsing support for you, for me that was counselling and anti depressants.
Look after yourself and put yourself first 💐

I know you might mean well with this comment, however you are missing the point.

This is about the OP's fertility and her pain at trying to have a biological child. Adoption is completely irrelevant.

OP I am here for a handhold, I am going through infertility myself although ours is MFI. It's so tough.

Dear @whattheactualfck ,

Everything you write about are valid feelings and fears.
Infertility is an extremely dark and lonely road.
I know a lot of posters have mentioned you have youth on your side (and they are not wrong), but you did not mention for how long you have been TTC?

Please don't be scared of IVF, I have had 6 Fresh IVF cycles since 2016.
The needles are extremely small and fine; and this is something to get your partner to do for you.

My best advice would be: please do not delay IVF unnecessarily - bite the bullet and take your turn in the roulette. It might be your time. If you have been trying for more than one year, I would suggest get your GP to refer you to the fertility clinic for IVF to get you "into the system" as waiting lists are long anyway and it could be months/years before your turn comes up.

With respect to everything else you describe, yes, infertility is extremely lonely and isolating. It has shaken me to my core and I will never emerge the same person I was pre-infertility. I look back at how carefree I was before TTC and I know deep down that person will never come back even if I have a baby. I will never be able to take anything for granted. However, I am thankful for the person I have become. I am kinder and more sensitive than I was when before going through this. It has given me humility. However I achieve my family, I know this change in me will be a good thing. Once you have walked this path, you can handle so much. Your relationship will be tested, but you will be amazed how close it can bring you and your partner together.

All the very best, and good luck,

xxx