AIBU to expect my mum to follow my rules regarding my son?

[Teachermama]

So basically, to cut a long story short, I found evidence of my step-dad (SD) chatting with another woman very flirtatiously. I gathered evidence and told my mum (M), who confronted him. He gave some downright lie of an excuse as to why he removed his wife and three kids from his Facebook, which I said was a lie. M and SD have been married for 26 years (I am 28). She says she has not forgiven him, but it seems that she has after 1 week.

I will be honest I have trust issues with men due to past trauma. I almost lost DH due to it, but therapy helped. I do not trust SD anymore. I do not want him in my house or around my DS. I feel his ease in which he lied, chatted up another woman, and spent nights away from M is a bad influence around my son, and also SD knows that I "ratted" him out, so we are not speaking to each other.

There are other reasons, but the main one is him cheating on M and just calling it a mistake that went too far and the lies.

Now while I am having to deal with trying to trust my SD again, I told my M that I do not want SD at my house or seeing my DS. Actions have consequences, and yes, I might be petty, but I am also hurting. Every little girl believes they can always trust the man they called Dad (bio father ran away). He has broken the trust I have in him and the belief I had in marriage because everything I learned about love and marriage was from watching SD and M. Now, it is all shattered. So I need time and space, and I want to protect my son.

I have not cut M off. I still video call her every night to see DS as I have since the pandemic started. Up until this incident, I was sending pictures of him to the Family on Whatsapp. I have told M that she can get a train to mine and I will pick her up from the station and stay with me, but SD can not come. I told her that SD could not see DS, but what did M do on the video call? She turns the phone to show SD my DS, and I quickly turn the phone away.

I might need to speak to M again to set clear boundaries. I am not stepping in between their marriage again. If M wants to stay with SD, that is fine, or if she wants to move in with me, that is fine, but I was the one who found out the truth, not her, and I need my own time to heal because my belief in marriage had been rocked, and if it were not for my DH I would be cynical towards it after all this.

If I am to raise a respectful, kind, loving, and caring gentleman who knows to keep it in his pants, I do not want him around someone who doesn't.

I know this is not easy on M, and I have been there for her, but I also need time to heal. I found all this evidence while on holiday, and it ruined my holiday with my family and parents.

So AIBU to ask my M to follow my rules regarding who can and can not see my DS?

I think this is all about what you want and how you feel, and not about your son. It is a very artificial situation you are creating for your child where grandma has to pretend that granddad doesn't exist.
Not condoning what step dad has done but it isn't a threat to your child. If your aim is to teach him morals I don't think 'cut people off' is a good example to help him with that.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. Your SD did wrong, is probably an arsehole, but that doesn't mean he will be a bad grandfather. Your mum has forgiven him, or is just ignoring it for now. Either way, it is her marriage, not yours, and you're putting her in an awkward position. I get why you're upset, but life is too short for this, surely?

I am not saying cut him off indefinitely, but I can't even look at him without getting angry. I am asking for space from him. M has a great relationship with DS but SD not really so DS does not ask for him. DS has not noticed anything.

I think you sound very self involved! Your whole post is you you you when this actually about what’s happened to your poor mum. Honestly give your head a little wobble and stop with the over dramatic need time to heal and must protect my son from this for the good of his future character. Your poor mum is being let down left right and centre.

Rules?
maybe read back what you have written and think is that rational or reasonable?

I'm so sorry, I know how much you're hurting, but YABU. This isn't really about your son. He doesn't know or need to know anything about it.

I think you're mixing up 2 issues , and I totally understand why you are, but the relationship with his grandad hasn't changed just because you're hurting.

These are your issues not your son's. It isn't your place to involve yourself in your mum's relationship any more either - fine to tell her in the first place, but now you've seen what her decision is you should respect it.

If I am to raise a respectful, kind, loving, and caring gentleman who knows to keep it in his pants, I do not want him around someone who doesn't.

Nothing can guarantee this. There are many men out there who cheat who were raised wonderfully.

I would be raging but I wouldn’t cut my dad off from my child for this.

Are you worried that your step dad has a bad attitude around your son? Or is it just the cheating, that your son would be shielded from.

It really is none of your business and it is entirely up to your mum. All this stuff about your son is irrelevant and you are really using him as a way of having a go at your step dad and also punishig your mum for not doing what you think she should have done. It feels off.

I understand that it’s upsetting to you, but your mum is the person he promised to be faithful to, and it’s up to her how she deals with his infidelity. I think you’re going too far and your anger is just going to hurt your mum even more.

You sound very controlling.

I think this is extremely OTT for "flirtatious chatting".

You’re very self absorbed aren’t you ?! This is not about you , you are making things very awkward for your mum . Stop banging on about ‘healing yourself ‘ and stop trying to manipulate your mother into doing what you think she should .

You are making this all about you and your feelings and using your child to demonstrate it.

What was your relationship like with your step dad before this?

A bad influence on a small child? Your DS knows nothing of your parents marriage, stop being so bloody odd and controlling.

You are being totally unreasonable here. Their relationship isn’t really anything to do with you.
Your mum has an adult and can make her own decisions.
I actually think it is an a insane overreaction to say the man who raised you as a father can never see his grandson again for something like this.
The level of trying to control other peoples behaviours is crazy here.

You're being ridiculous tbh. So what if hes a cheat/flirt that doesnt have any bearing on how he'd treat your son would it? I feel sorry for your Mum. Saying that they've shattered your illusions on relationships. Come on. How old are you?

I’m wondering if you would stop your child see his father if your husband ever cheated on you?

You are incredibly black and white and restrictive about marriage and fidelity and most of us realise for one reason or another that there are shades of grey. So butt out of your mum's marriage. It was good of you to tell her but you don't know what they have done or agreed. For all you know your mum has been having an affair and SD knows about it. Who made you the moral police?

this exactly
upi are hurting because your image of your step dad has been shattered. You are using your son as a weapon against him because your mum hasn't done what you want her to do.
Back off, and let her and him work it out. And stop putting your son in the middle

“I think you sound very self involved! Your whole post is you you you when this actually about what’s happened to your poor mum. Honestly give your head a little wobble and stop with the over dramatic need time to heal and must protect my son from this for the good of his future character. Your poor mum is being let down left right and centre.”

^This. You are trying to manipulate your poor mum. Sort yourself out OP.

You told your mum your suspicions, your mums relationship is then her business and she is entitled to privacy and her decisions to be respected.

if you have no concerns over your SD as a grandfather you are basically using your son as a weapon to punish him and effectively your mum too. Pretty poor behaviour on your part, and if anything worse than your SDs behaviour as you are doing it for revenge for something that is essentially now nothing to do with you.

In 30 years time if your Son cheats on his wife will you cut him out of your life ? Be very careful or you will end up one very lonely woman.

YOU may need time to heal, but your Mum has had her world implode; her choice to stay at the moment is her choice.
I don't agree with cheating. It's disgusting. However, she needs support right now, not you making this already difficult time for her even worse for her.
Take your hurt and talk it through with your husband, your friends, whomever; talk it through with your Mum, too, but drop the spoilt, entitled toddler act.

This isn't about you.

What's with all the evidence finding and gathering. If all true, you've potentially blown your mums world apart and you're using her grandchild against her, to make her behave how you want her to?

Behave yourself.