Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my mum to follow my rules regarding my son?

77 replies

Teachermama · 31/07/2022 19:29

So basically, to cut a long story short, I found evidence of my step-dad (SD) chatting with another woman very flirtatiously. I gathered evidence and told my mum (M), who confronted him. He gave some downright lie of an excuse as to why he removed his wife and three kids from his Facebook, which I said was a lie. M and SD have been married for 26 years (I am 28). She says she has not forgiven him, but it seems that she has after 1 week.

I will be honest I have trust issues with men due to past trauma. I almost lost DH due to it, but therapy helped. I do not trust SD anymore. I do not want him in my house or around my DS. I feel his ease in which he lied, chatted up another woman, and spent nights away from M is a bad influence around my son, and also SD knows that I "ratted" him out, so we are not speaking to each other.

There are other reasons, but the main one is him cheating on M and just calling it a mistake that went too far and the lies.

Now while I am having to deal with trying to trust my SD again, I told my M that I do not want SD at my house or seeing my DS. Actions have consequences, and yes, I might be petty, but I am also hurting. Every little girl believes they can always trust the man they called Dad (bio father ran away). He has broken the trust I have in him and the belief I had in marriage because everything I learned about love and marriage was from watching SD and M. Now, it is all shattered. So I need time and space, and I want to protect my son.

I have not cut M off. I still video call her every night to see DS as I have since the pandemic started. Up until this incident, I was sending pictures of him to the Family on Whatsapp. I have told M that she can get a train to mine and I will pick her up from the station and stay with me, but SD can not come. I told her that SD could not see DS, but what did M do on the video call? She turns the phone to show SD my DS, and I quickly turn the phone away.

I might need to speak to M again to set clear boundaries. I am not stepping in between their marriage again. If M wants to stay with SD, that is fine, or if she wants to move in with me, that is fine, but I was the one who found out the truth, not her, and I need my own time to heal because my belief in marriage had been rocked, and if it were not for my DH I would be cynical towards it after all this.

If I am to raise a respectful, kind, loving, and caring gentleman who knows to keep it in his pants, I do not want him around someone who doesn't.

I know this is not easy on M, and I have been there for her, but I also need time to heal. I found all this evidence while on holiday, and it ruined my holiday with my family and parents.

So AIBU to ask my M to follow my rules regarding who can and can not see my DS?

OP posts:
hobbledyhoy · 31/07/2022 20:08

I think that this is rather an overreaction on your part. In reality it is your poor mum who has been incredibly hurt by her husbands actions and you are probably heaping more anxiety and turmoil on her by creating new rules and placing constraints on seeing her grandson which she probably feels compelled to follow. Her decisions on her marriage are nothing to do with you and unlikely to have any effect whatsoever on your DS and the kind of man he ultimately turns out to be, that is more to do with you and his father than anyone else.
You might feel betrayed but your feelings don't come first in this situation, your mum's do. Give her some support rather than punishing her for your step dad's misdeeds.

Afterfire · 31/07/2022 20:10

You’re totally overreacting. It’s not your battle to fight.

HeddaGarbled · 31/07/2022 20:10

What you should be doing right now is supporting your poor poor mum but instead you’re kicking her when she’s down.

Back off from your harsh ultimatums and show her some kindness and understanding.

Poor bloody woman ☹️

Afterfire · 31/07/2022 20:15

Have you also considered that perhaps this isn’t the first time he’s cheated / behaved like this but actually - judging by your Mums behaviour - she isn’t that bothered?? Just because it’s unacceptable to you doesn’t mean everyone has to live by your rules. They’ve been together nearly 30 years; to a lot of older people particularly there’s a lot more to a marriage than this sort of stuff. Maybe it’s not such a big deal to them?

PlinkPlonkFizz · 31/07/2022 20:15

Your poor Mum. Grow up! Adults (you included) disappoint other adults- it's called being human. You are creating a cruel and unfair situation by using your son to punish your Stepdad. You are also making this all about YOU.

SurfBox · 31/07/2022 20:34

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. Your SD did wrong, is probably an arsehole, but that doesn't mean he will be a bad grandfather. Your mum has forgiven him, or is just ignoring it for now. Either way, it is her marriage, not yours, and you're putting her in an awkward position

this. It is fine to not like your sd but he will not be raising your son, you are so he won't have that much influence(if any). And it's like emotional blackmail on your mum.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 31/07/2022 20:38

So your mum found out about it and has been trying to make a go of things. Now you've decided to make this situation all about you and are making it incredibly difficult for her. You sound like a horrible daughter tbh. You may be disappointed in your SD, but you're treating your mum poorly.

RedHelenB · 31/07/2022 20:40

Yabu.

Lilgamesh2 · 31/07/2022 21:03

Wow such a lack of self awareness from the OP. Why are you centering yourself as the victim in this? Why did you even state that you 'haven't cut off M' - NOBODY would even think that was on the cards! It is awful that you are prepared to damage your DS's relationships with his family members because of this.

WindowsSmindows · 31/07/2022 21:11

Overly dramatic narcissistic. Your mother raised you so she can't be too suprised that you are letting her down so badly I suppose.

STARCATCHER22 · 31/07/2022 21:17

You turned the phone away so your SD couldn’t see your son on video call? Jesus Christ. That’s insane. How much of a bad influence can he be on a small child?!?

I feel for your mum to be honest. She’s been through a rough time and instead of supporting her, you’re making it more difficult and making it about yourself.

How long are you intending to continue this complete nonsense?!

Tee20x · 31/07/2022 21:42

YABU. Sounds dramatic & childish - as long as he's not a risk to your child, the lengths you're going to to separate them are extreme.

No one is saying you have to love the guy, but if your mum chooses to stay with him of course he will have some kind of interaction with your son & your childish behaviour is just putting her in an awkward position.

How old are you?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/07/2022 21:45

Are you going to ban every male from yor child's life if they don't live up to your standards of what a man should be? What other behaviour is banned around your son?
If you had a daughter would she be banned from seeing your DM because your DM is displaying weak people pleasing behavior by staying with a cheat?

Rosebel · 31/07/2022 21:46

You sound controlling and over dramatic. I can't believe you turned the phone away so SD couldn't see your DS. What did you think he was going to do on a video call?
You are being incredibly unfair to your poor mum. Why don't you try being there for her instead of making things worse for her?
This is nothing to do with your son. You know perfectly well this won't affect him.
You are very selfish.

TheGoogleMum · 31/07/2022 21:51

My DH no longer speaks to his grandad for similar reasons. In fact it all soured years and years ago to the point that I've never met him. He hated the way he treated his grandma and won't forgive him. I'm not sure what I'd do in that situation, but I do understand feeling like they've betrayed someone you love and even though they're fool enough to forgive you aren't. It must have made life more difficult for his grandma though. Try not to pinish your mother too much for deciding to forgive as she's the real victim

GettingItOutThere · 31/07/2022 21:52

This is not about you, you are going about this wrongly. You are projecting what you feel on your son.

yes do not see your SD, that is your call. But stopping your son seeing his grandad isnt fair really.

I do understand why you would be upset -but frankly i would be more upset with your mother for allowing him to stay!

Coachwork · 31/07/2022 21:53

Would you stop your child seeing his DF if he cheated? YABVU.

M340 · 31/07/2022 21:59

There is absolutely no reason to mix your son in all of this. 2 totally separate issues. Your SD is probably a total arse for what he's done but involving your son and having rules around it is very unnecessary.

melj1213 · 31/07/2022 22:09

YABMassivelyU

You are using your son as a weapon to control your mother, that is not ok

wombat1a · 31/07/2022 22:10

It's all about you isn't it, why does someone elses forgiven mistake mean that you have to punish him, your mother and your kid because you have issues.

worriedatthistime · 31/07/2022 22:13

How would you feel if your mum told you how to react to something your dh had done etc ? I understand your angry and you need time though

WhiteTeaNoSugar · 31/07/2022 22:18

Your mum nod step dads relationship is none of your business. You are using the threat of not seeing your son to your mum to control her life, very nasty of you.

Ponoka7 · 31/07/2022 22:19

I agree with what's been said. You need to go back into therapy, this has obviously stirred past trauma up.

bloodyplanes · 31/07/2022 22:20

Quite frankly what has gone on it their relationship is absolutely none of your business. You sound extremely precious and very controlling!

AnyFucker · 31/07/2022 22:25

You sound like a nasty, controlling, judgemental, sanctimonious piece of work

Swipe left for the next trending thread