AIBU to expect my mum to follow my rules regarding my son?

[Teachermama]

So basically, to cut a long story short, I found evidence of my step-dad (SD) chatting with another woman very flirtatiously. I gathered evidence and told my mum (M), who confronted him. He gave some downright lie of an excuse as to why he removed his wife and three kids from his Facebook, which I said was a lie. M and SD have been married for 26 years (I am 28). She says she has not forgiven him, but it seems that she has after 1 week.

I will be honest I have trust issues with men due to past trauma. I almost lost DH due to it, but therapy helped. I do not trust SD anymore. I do not want him in my house or around my DS. I feel his ease in which he lied, chatted up another woman, and spent nights away from M is a bad influence around my son, and also SD knows that I "ratted" him out, so we are not speaking to each other.

There are other reasons, but the main one is him cheating on M and just calling it a mistake that went too far and the lies.

Now while I am having to deal with trying to trust my SD again, I told my M that I do not want SD at my house or seeing my DS. Actions have consequences, and yes, I might be petty, but I am also hurting. Every little girl believes they can always trust the man they called Dad (bio father ran away). He has broken the trust I have in him and the belief I had in marriage because everything I learned about love and marriage was from watching SD and M. Now, it is all shattered. So I need time and space, and I want to protect my son.

I have not cut M off. I still video call her every night to see DS as I have since the pandemic started. Up until this incident, I was sending pictures of him to the Family on Whatsapp. I have told M that she can get a train to mine and I will pick her up from the station and stay with me, but SD can not come. I told her that SD could not see DS, but what did M do on the video call? She turns the phone to show SD my DS, and I quickly turn the phone away.

I might need to speak to M again to set clear boundaries. I am not stepping in between their marriage again. If M wants to stay with SD, that is fine, or if she wants to move in with me, that is fine, but I was the one who found out the truth, not her, and I need my own time to heal because my belief in marriage had been rocked, and if it were not for my DH I would be cynical towards it after all this.

If I am to raise a respectful, kind, loving, and caring gentleman who knows to keep it in his pants, I do not want him around someone who doesn't.

I know this is not easy on M, and I have been there for her, but I also need time to heal. I found all this evidence while on holiday, and it ruined my holiday with my family and parents.

So AIBU to ask my M to follow my rules regarding who can and can not see my DS?

You sound like a kid having a tantrum tbh.
This issue is about you, not your child.
Stop being so controlling. You sound self righteous and quite odd.

Your poor mum. You have managed to make this all about you and your 'time to heal.' So now she is coping with a betrayal and also your response to it. This is private, within their relationship, and not for you to pass judgment on. You are punishing your SD for the behaviour by denying access to his gc, which I think is a disgrace. But you are also punishing your mum by putting her in this impossible situation, because you are angry that she hasn't reacted how you wanted.

Completely agree! Your dad didn't do this to you. He did this to your mum. You do not need to 'protect' your son from his grandad. I can understand you wanting a bit of space from him while you heal from the loss of respect but to not allow your son to be shown his grandad in video call? That is very OTT.

I don't really think anything needs addressing. Just don't facilitate contact with him. It's not like you told her you didn't want SD to visit and she snuck him in through the window while you were in bed.

Punishing your son for his granddad's actions is actually pretty cruel. How confusing for the the kid who presumably loves his grandad. And all over a bit of flirty chat?

None of this is about you, frankly.

This

My dad cheated on my mum twice and left her after 25 years of marriage , he caused a massive amount of heartbreak and pain. I was furious with him for a long time.

However when I had my dd I made contact with him and did everything I could to facilitate a grandad/granddaughter relationship. He is a fantastic grandfather (just a shit husband unfortunately!) My dd has benefited hugely from having him in my life.

YABVU

It sounds like you have an axe to grind op, you've made it all about you and want to use your child to emotionally manipulate your step dad and your mum. If you want to be angry with him then be angry but don't drag your ds into your mess.

Sorry OP but I agree with the others.

Fine to be pissed off at your SD. Fine to be hurt on your mum’s behalf and to feel betrayed / angry / whatever. Fine to even give him the cold shoulder yourself. But using your son as some kind of weapon is really unhealthy and puts your mum in an impossible position.

i have a friend who ‘discovered’ her dad was cheating (full blown affair, not flirting). She hacked into his emails, took photos, turned full on detective and ‘presented’ it all to her mum, then basically strong armed her mum into splitting up with him. The mum did and now 5 years on is utterly miserable. She is in her 70s and feels her life has no meaning. She’s bitter and jaded. My friend feels vindicated but her dad has no relationship with his grandkids. In reality everyone’s lost. Not the same situation I know, but be very very careful trying to meddle in your parents’ relationship by laying down ‘rules’ for her to follow.

Let your mum make her decision. Tell your SD he’s a twat. But leave your son out of it.

if you and your DH raise your son with morals and to respect women, that’s the best anyone can do.

The intimate details of their relationship is none of your concern.

Your reaction is OTT bullying your mother into agreeing with your rules.

You're being ridiculous.
Your stepdad is in your own words, like your dad, so he is your sons grandfather. You are incredibly unreasonable to damage the relationship between him and your son due to something which is none of your business.
Him chatting up a woman does not effect his ability to be a grandfather. You're using your child as a weapon.
Your poor mum has enough going on without your behaviour to worry about. You are being incredibly immature and selfish.

I totally understand your current anger and disappointment. But your post is a bit odd and very controlling.
I hope that time will heal the rift. If not, all you are doing is making things worse for your mum.
And although he's an arse, he's a cheat, not a paedophile! To withdraw your son would seem cruel in the long-term.

This is the man who raised you. I find your language very cold.

You can be as pissed off at him as you like, but it is their business- YOU are humiliating your mother further by carrying on this way. I’m sure she has her own reasons for staying.

As for your son- you raise courteous empathetic children by mirroring that behaviour, which you clearly are not doing.
If your child grows up to have issues with women, it’s unlikely it will be because of his grandfather

I think it's completely understandable that you are angry with him and that you feel like you want to punish him. When something like this happens in a family the ripples go wide, and every is affected upset. Don't be hard on yourself.

People are right that it's their issue to resolve, but it's horrible to see evidence that your dad is cheating on your mum. It might feel like he is cheating on the family. . I can see how you might feel that he has sullied your image of men and your ability to trust them. From what you have said , he isn't apologetic.

It's only been a week. See how things pan out. Him briefly seeing your son on a video call isn't the main event here.

Using your son as a weapon and simultaneously taking the moral high ground.

You have no room to talk.

Your poor mother.

This is not about you, and your flowery language around every girl and her dad is a bit odd, your past trauma doesn’t seem sorted at all, it’s all very dramatic.

It's interesting that your OP title is criticising your mother. She's not the one who indulged in flirty chat, but the rule you've put in place is one that you expect her to defer to.

Your making her life miserable instead of supporting her, and making her and your son pay for your dad's 'sin'.

Get some therapy. You need it.

Your mum's relationship is none of your business. Stop using your son as a weapon.

Him having an affair is hurtful to your mum, it's her decision whether to work on the relationship or not, clearly she has chosen to.
It will also have been updating for you to be the one to discover he wasn't who you thought he was (pedestal? Saviour daddy because your biological father ran away?). However none of this has an impact on your son, I'm assuming no one is discussing their sex lives with a child. What will affect him is not knowing why he suddenly can't see grandpa , it will give him abandonment issues. You are perpetuating your unhealthy beliefs and attitudes and weaponising your child.

I think you need to mind out of your mum’s relationship tbh OP. My parents have both behaved astonishingly badly over the years, I’ve got over it. None of it is a stick to beat them over the head with and I’d never dream of withholding my baby to punish them.

‘Every little girl’ doesn’t believe her parents are perfect by the time she grows up and this is because they aren’t.

Why would you involve your son in adult issues like this? What an awkward position to put him in, quickly turning off the camera whenever his step grandfather comes on the screen and whatever else. Please don't.

Him having an affair is hurtful to your mum,

All OP knows is that he had a flirty conversation with someone!

Me me me me me me me. Your mother's marriage is not about you, and you should not use your child to try and control her.

Wow. How to take something that's nothing to do with you and make it all about you!! I feel very sorry for your poor mum

i have a slightly different take on this - I think its perfectly reasonable for you to not want to see your stepdad right now, and I think it’s fine for you to not want him to have a relationship with your son at the moment. Grandparents don’t have a right to their grandchildren and it won’t hurt OP’s son. You can put whatever boundaries in place that you want to.

I think though that you may need some distance from your mum, for both your sakes. You video call every night which seems like a lot, and whilst you have a lot of anger and resentment towards her for not dealing with the situation how you would have done I don’t think this is helping anyone. There’s nothing wrong with you wishing she’d made a different choice, but there’s also nothing wrong with her making a different choice and you need to let her live with that.

I’d take some time to cook off from the situation - cut down the video calls to a couple of times a week, work through some of your sadness and anger and then re look at everything. I think your anger is perfectly justified by the way - I think really you’re sad and worried for your mum and it’s coming across as controlling, but it’s clear you love and care about her a lot. I’ve made the same mistake with my mum a lot during recent years and also been told on here and in real like I’m “controlling” when really I’m trying to do what’s best. It’s hard to navigate the changing relationship with your parents as you both age.

I’m really confused as to why you would involve your DM & DS in this.
Your poor Mum. You need to respect her decisions regarding her own relationship with SD. It’s non of your business and certainly nothing to do with their relationship with you or your DS