Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Grandkids visiting ailing and frail grandparents

62 replies

Antelop · 31/07/2022 18:21

One of my kids' grandparents has late stage parkinsons and is now bedbound with round the clock carers. I still think that it makes sense to take the kids over to visit them but DH disagrees. It's his father so his side of the family. He feels that its not worth it for either party - his father is now fairly confused and not always there while the kids will just get upset and scared. He goes weekly. If it makes a difference, it's a two hour trip and would be done in a day. Does everyone continue to take the kids to see ailing grandparents? The kids are four and six.

OP posts:

Zone2NorthLondon · 31/07/2022 18:24

I’d be guided by what your husband wants,and the impact of visits upon the grandfather and the kids. If your kids are upset and scared that’s not a beneficial visit and it leaves them upset

IsDaveThere · 31/07/2022 18:24

I wouldn't.

his father is now fairly confused and not always there while the kids will just get upset and scared Why would you want to upset and scare your kids? Surely it is better for them to remember their grandfather as he was before.

Orangesandlemons77 · 31/07/2022 18:24

That's a tricky one. Maybe could you speak to the children and see what they think?

CPL593H · 31/07/2022 18:25

At their ages and if he is confused anyway, no, I wouldn't. I don't know what he or they would get from it.

Is this a reverse BTW?

Hellocatshome · 31/07/2022 18:27

Depending on the age of the kids but if young and unable to fully understand the situation and make there own decision I would say no. I have vivid memories of being terrified when taken to visit my elderly grandparents who didn't know who I was anyway. Not one person benefited from the visits

Mrsjayy · 31/07/2022 18:27

I think you should go with what their dad thinks is best, he has enough to cope without adding upset children to the mix, it's hard though.

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 31/07/2022 18:27

I would follow DH lead on this since it’s his Father.

Fwiw my feeling is that if Grandfather is confused and ‘not always there’ and children that you g are likely to be scared then no, I wouldn’t take them. There is no benefit to be had in the situation you describe; let the children have happy memories of their Grandfather when he was well, don’t leave them with this lasting memory of him.
For Grandfather - show him photos and videos whenever there are moments of clarity (if there are any) make sure DC do some drawings etc to take with you to leave with Grandfather to brighten his day & his room.

Beamur · 31/07/2022 18:27

The children won't remember much of this when older. I would take them maybe before he becomes more frail and take some photos so the children can have an image of themselves with him to keep.

Hellocatshome · 31/07/2022 18:28

Oh sorry missed the ages in the OP. A definite no from me then.

Original poster

Antelop · 31/07/2022 18:32

I think we come at it from different directions. I lived with my grandparents as a child so was always there even as they became frail and elderly. In his case, his parents shielded the kids from the one remaining grandparent so the kids didn't see her for years as she got older.

Fast forward to now- I am a lot more used to ailing older members of our family. He is the opposite and before recently just assumed old people somehow disappeared as they got older - so for him it was a huge shock when his parents became frail, which I am not sure was always very helpful.

The kids haven't seen him since March so we are not sure how they feel about it. FIL has deteriorated quite a lot since, so we are not sure how they will react. However, DH spends a lot of time over there and I wonder whether the kids would benefit from seeing where he disappears to every week. Obviously if the kids didn't want to go, I won't force them

OP posts:

Original poster

Antelop · 31/07/2022 18:35

And no this is not a reverse. I genuinely wanted to hear other people's views.

OP posts:

SunshineRoo27 · 31/07/2022 18:38

My Grandad had parkinsons and my daughter saw him right up to the day before he passed. She was very young (nearly 2) he wasn't confused just very sleepy and we played it day by day to decide if it was in her best interest to see him. To be honest, we done it more for him as he was very happy to see her but if she had been older, I think I would've felt differently.

I wouldn't ever tell someone what to do although I would stress that it was very difficult for us as adults to see him like that and once you have, you can't take it back. You may not want to make that decision for your children.

Could they draw something for him or record him a message so he can see them?

Your husband has been seeing him so may have more of an idea on how your children could feel, if it is weekly visits, could you go too and make a decision on how you feel then have another chat with your husband?

Best wishes to you and your family

CrapBucket · 31/07/2022 18:38

Four of my grandparents died while DC were aged 4-10 of parkinsons, dementia, and stroke. I took DC to visit on several occasions (partly because of geography/childcare - if I didn't take them I couldn't go myself). I tended to get them to wait in car/foyer at the start of the visit so I could suss out whether it was going to cause stress. They are teens now and fine, I'm glad I took them. They also saw their great grandparents after they had died. I don't believe in hiding stuff from kids, but in supporting them through it. However it was much easier to do that with grandparents than parents imo and this was all before covid. So different times.

GoodVibesHere · 31/07/2022 18:40

No I wouldn't take them, I just don't see the benefit. It could scare them, and for what?

Your childhood situation sounds a bit different, as you were with your GPs a lot so you would have seen a more subtle slow decline. Your DC would get more of a shock.

BatshitBanshee · 31/07/2022 18:41

It's DH's father and I feel you're losing sight of that. You also say that you grew up with your grandparents so saw them when they were ailing and frail. This is new territory for DH and seeing a parent that ill and coming to the end is hard and I don't think I'd want my small kids seeing my parent like that or seeing me trying to cope with that. What you want for your children doesn't trump what DH wants for him and his dad. Also, small kids with a confused, bedbound elderly person in their home? No. It would be different with someone who is compos mentis perhaps, but this would be stressful, for the FIL, for the DH and the kids.

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 31/07/2022 18:43

It doesn't matter if the kids will benefit from seeing where their dad goes every week it's not about them. It's what's best for your fil that is important

Benjaminsniddlegrass · 31/07/2022 18:44

My FIL died in June this year, my DD6 last saw him in April, he had an aggressive brain tumor and we both decided that it wasn't in her best interests to see him once the decline became more significant.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 31/07/2022 18:47

It sounds like it’s causing both the children and the elderly gentleman in question a huge amount of distress. I think it’s unkind to both of them to continue to force this. Yep

JustLyra · 31/07/2022 18:48

If your DH doesn’t feel it will benefit his father why are you pushing it?

He’s the one seeing him regularly, he’s the one who knows his father better, so why not let him choose what is the best option? Especially when they haven’t seen him for a good chunk of time anyway.

Tread carefully on this one. One of my SIL’s started this kind of thing when my Nana was ill (we were brought up by GP’s) and rode roughshod over my brother and the rest of us telling her that my Nana would not have wanted her gr-grandkids to see her in that condition. It did the children no benefit, just meant their main memories of Nana are horrible ones, and SIL’s relationship with everyone has been tainted every since.

Jollygreen · 31/07/2022 18:51

My parent has advanced Parkinson's. I must admit I find visiting them traumatic and I'm an adult.

Does it benefit FIL in any way to see them?

2bazookas · 31/07/2022 18:54

20 minutes would be the max visit time for both the children and their grandfather. Then they'll be bored and he'll be tired.

What are they going to do the rest of the day? Is it worth 4 hours in the car for 20 minutes ?

If he wants to see them, use Zoom ; then as soon as anyone's had enough it's painless to say Byee and turn off.

User280905 · 31/07/2022 18:55

My dc are older but 2 of them saw their granny every day until she died. Ds13 wasn't comfortable so he didn't go very much, the others wanted to be with her as often as possible. Oldest is 15 so not really relevant, ds8 was fine with her, sat by her bed, talked on about school and his friends. He was amazing.

But- he was older than your kids, it was only a 30 minute journey each way, some days he stayed for hours, sometimes just for 10 minutes, and he'd seen her pretty much weekly for the couple of years she was declining before she died. He would have been more confused if he hadn't been allowed to see her towards the end.

I think I might take your kids once, can you somehow make the trip into a day out without that sounding crass? Then you'll know how they react and if they want to go again.

But equally I wouldn't judge you if you didn't take them. If dfil wouldn't notice, they wouldn't interact much, and there's no-one else (mil for example) who might enjoy their visit then there's not much point.

whiteroseredrose · 31/07/2022 18:56

I don't know how old your DC are, but ours have seen all of their grandparents and great grandparents decline, and have been to funerals too.

DD was 4 at DH's grandma's funeral. The first of many unfortunately. But there were pictures of their younger selves and lots of family photos at all of them which we talked about.

I don't think it is something to hide, especially if they are old.

Redburnett · 31/07/2022 18:57

Very difficult, but the children are probably to young to understand. Best to be guided by your DH's wishes.

burnoutbabe · 31/07/2022 19:01

Would grandmother not want to see the kids as well as a break from caring?

Even going once a month with a quick pop in and hello, then you and kids off out to park (maybe with grandma) then quick hello before going back.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread