Grandkids visiting ailing and frail grandparents

[Antelop]

One of my kids' grandparents has late stage parkinsons and is now bedbound with round the clock carers. I still think that it makes sense to take the kids over to visit them but DH disagrees. It's his father so his side of the family. He feels that its not worth it for either party - his father is now fairly confused and not always there while the kids will just get upset and scared. He goes weekly. If it makes a difference, it's a two hour trip and would be done in a day. Does everyone continue to take the kids to see ailing grandparents? The kids are four and six.

Glad to see you are leaving the decision up to your husband. It really is his call. Imagine the roles reversed and your husband was trying to act against, and not respecting your wishes, just because he thought he was right and you were wrong.

Wouldn't encourage them to go

I would go with your DH. The kids are young and if it will upset them, don't do it. It may also unsettle your FIL.

My dad had MND. For the final 8 months of his life he couldn't speak or move other than moving his hands a little and was permanently on a ventilator - scary for an outsider to see but he was the same person underneath and mentally still there. He couldn't cope with the energy of the children (at the time, 6 and 2) for more than a short time but he still loved to see them. I took them over right up until the final days when he was dying and mostly asleep. They had a special bond and related to him in their own way. My younger daughter (now 3) still talks about "Grandpa's game" which was making a tower of hands with him (the only part of his body still mobile). Of course seeing his decline was also upsetting (especially for the older one) but I'm glad that they had that time with him and also that I gave them the chance to see the humanity that still remains even when someone is very unwell and vulnerable and didn't exclude them from that time.

How old are the children?
My 13 yo son has expressed clearly what makes him upset when visiting his grandad in the care home. He has Parkinson's with dementia.
I am certain that when the time comes when we are unable to take his grandad out he will not accompany me. At that stage I don't think either party will benefit and it will be extra pressure on me at a time when my emotional resources will be better directed towards grandad.
I have no concerns about children being exposed to the reality of degenerative illnesses and death but it's important to be guided by them as well and to adapt.

His grandma had dementia so I am expecting some difficult times ahead.

My DCs won't be seeing MiL again (DH's wishes)

She's in another country and is now very frail in a care home. It's a good day when she can have a sit in a chair. We last travelled over in autumn 2019 when she she was still functionally living at home. Society prohibited my DCs from seeing her in 2020 and 2021. We did travel over last year, but the facility she was in only allowed one masked visitor at the time for 30 minute appointments, so only DH saw her and I stayed in the accommodation with the DCs. DH has travelled over solo several times in the past year as she's flitted between hospital/ care places/ home but the inconsistency of her health meant it wasn't practical to go through the hoops of family travel again. As it was last summer, within the two months of booking travel restrictions increased and became unviable and were lifted days before we went.

We're now at the point of too long, too much decline. For the 5 minutes of her coping with seeing them, the strong chance that she won't recognise children she's seen once in nearly 3 years (she's now forgetting who her favourite grandchild is which was distressing to her despite being older and seen much more regularly) it's not worth the logistics and odds of distress: reward.

Where relationships (and often logistics) are close and children and their relatives can keep pace with a gradual decline, it's good to maintain relationships for as long as it's reasonably practicable. Often that isn't the case, and it can be kinder to be left with memories of kinder days for all concerned.

Personally I would take them as I don't believe in shielding things like this from children and often find that the elderly and the young benefit just from seeing each other, even when one is frail and ill. That said, it is your husband's side of the family so a difficult situation if he doesn't want it.

I think it depends on his state. My eldest visited my husband’s grandmother with dementia before she died as 2/3 year old. We are so glad we did as she barely recognised my husband but she lit up at seeing a child. It seemed to bring her joy when very little else did. My daughter was fine with it.

It's not about the kids, it's about the grandfather. Sounds like he would get nothing from seeing them, so why force him to have lots of visitors? We really need to be sensitive to the needs of the terminally I'll and give them lots of peace & space - many families would be well advised just to back off and not crowd around an unwell person who really needs to be on their own.

To clarify - we don't think he is in his last few weeks or months. He had a fall a couple of months ago and has been bedbound since but we are probably still looking at a few more years. Last time he saw the kids in March, he was really happy about seeing them. Because we live in the same city as them, they do ask about FIL especially as DH is there every week.

So your DH has been the one that facilitated the relationship between his parents and your DC for your DC’s entire lives, and you haven’t seen the deterioration with your own eyes, yet you’re still questioning him rather than accepting that he knows the situation far better than you and supporting him with what’s happening to his Dad?

What I think I would do is travel there with DH, spend a short amount of time with FIL provided he is well enough & then you & the DC head off to the park or some other local activity for a few hours whilst your DH spends more time with FIL and then you go back to FIL's at the end of the day for a brief period of time and then head home again.