Grandkids visiting ailing and frail grandparents

[Antelop]

One of my kids' grandparents has late stage parkinsons and is now bedbound with round the clock carers. I still think that it makes sense to take the kids over to visit them but DH disagrees. It's his father so his side of the family. He feels that its not worth it for either party - his father is now fairly confused and not always there while the kids will just get upset and scared. He goes weekly. If it makes a difference, it's a two hour trip and would be done in a day. Does everyone continue to take the kids to see ailing grandparents? The kids are four and six.

My grandmother had alzheimers. At some point younger grandkids/great grandkids stopped visiting when she no longer rememebrred them. It just got confusing.

I'd say no need for them to visit if it doesn't bring anything for either of them. If grandpa would get Joy out of it I'd visit but sounds like he is confused and kids are so young that they don't understand.

My memories of my Grandma are just from when she had late stage dementia. She would be angry or crying, not know who people were, not say anything etc. I was about 7 at the time. It maybe sounds harsh but I'd rather have no memories than the ones I have. Also, the other residents in her care home use to scare me. Like if I went to get a drink and one of them would corner me in the kitchen and thinking I was their daughter.

It depends on your FILs condition, but if the kids are scared I wouldn't push it.

I lived with my grandparents as a child so was always there even as they became frail and elderly.

There's a lot of difference between seeing a daily gradual decline, and seeing a seemingly well grandparent a few months ago and then visiting them on deaths door.

If your kids had seen grandad regularly throughout I'd say see him. But they haven't so now it will be a huge shock for them, probably their last memory of him and possibly traumatic for everyone.

Use more regular contact if you want them to witness elderly decline.

I agree with the posters saying that it's your DH's decision, as it's his dad. A few visits won't recreate what you had with your grandparents anyway.

I don’t think I would take a 4/6yo in that case.

No way would I take mine at those ages. If they haven’t seen their grandad for a while they might be quite scared or confused and if he is confused how would it benefit him?

I wouldn't take them. I am 64 and I can still clearly remember being taken to see my terminally ill auntie. She was so very poorly and I was deeply upset. Even today if someone mentions her name Im immediately taken back to that moment rather than remembering all the other lovely memories I have of her.

I took mine to visit their great gp who had dementia. Always remember dd2 patiently answering the same questions over and over.

No I wouldn't take them at that age. I have only one memory of my paternal grandfather, I must have been 4. He was in the end stages of cancer and I was frightened of him. I knew something serious was wrong but had no understanding of what. I remember my toy car going up to his chair and I wouldn't go near him to get it.

As a senior who cared for my own parents until they passed, and a senior who is now declining myself..... I hope you stop taking the children to visit the ailing grandfather. He would want the children to remember him when he was alert and happy, not failing and forgetful and sad. I hope you made many good memories before he started the decline.

I hope you and your husband still visit often. Without the children. I know it's a long drive and sitters are precious, but those visits are the least you can do to repay him for the years he spent nurturing the family.

Respect your husband's wishes. It's not about what you think or want. Why would you push this given your dh clear stance?

I would talk to your kids especially the six year old, explain the situation and ask if they want to see them

OK. My story is that at a few years older than your two, I wasn't allowed to see my poorly but perfectly compos mentis grandfather (who I adored and spent a lot of my early childhood with) during the last week of his life. He was apparently asking for me and that has haunted me for 50 years.

However...in this situation, I would not be taking kids to visit under these circumstances. Let whatever memories they have of him be more positive and tell them stories about what he was like before the illness took hold. It doesn't sound like their presence will benefit him or them, at all.

Maybe your DH wants to visit his dad and fully concentrate on his dad without having to worry about how his young children are going to react. I would respect what your DH wants - it’s his call. Your experience with your own family doesn’t give you the right to decide what’s best.

I think best to be guided by your DH

My in laws are fit and well. My DH's relationship with them is v different from my relationship with my own parents. I used to struggle a bit with that, but now, my attitude is more "who am I to say that's wrong?"

ex-hospice worker here so i am naturally more of your line of thinking...i have seen many young kids visiting their relatives in hospice (including their own parents never mind grandparents) at the end of life. You are right in that we have created a huge disconnect for people about this stage of life which ultimately creates a huge fear of illness and dying....people find it hard to understand that it can be a beautiful, life-affirming experience and that older people still have value even when they are old and ill. Some dying people also need the opportunity to say "goodbye" in order to die peacefully without regrets (others will "wait" until they are alone and private to let themselves go). However it very much depends on your family history/set-up...for example, where there has been a close ongoing relationship between grandparent and grandchild compared to a grandparent-child distant/once in a while relationship. Could you imagine a much-loved grandparent "disappearing" without the chance to say goodbye, people can be blind to the grief that children experience. Or, if the grandparent (or their spouse) has expressed strong opinions about privacy or " not wanting to be seen like this" , that may influence decisions in a different direction. All families are different so it's really down to you and you husband to discuss what's important to each of you and it does sound like he is making his feelings fairly clear....but hopefully you can help your children to understand end of life and old age by talking things through and having contact with your side of the family. At least you and your husband can talk about where he is going , why he might be feeling sad, and prepare them for losing this grandparent by eg.looking at pics so they have an idea who he was....they may well be a comfort to your husband's mother that her husband's legacy is living on through them and that people are happy to talk about him to her once he does die.

This will sound awful but I haven't even visited my own nan since before covid, she is in a care home about 100 miles away and has alzheimers. The first time I went with my mum and brother to visit her there she was very agitated, twisted up in her bed and screamed and cried most of the short time we were there, calling for a carer roughly every 5/10 minutes to go to the toilet so we had to keep leaving the room. Last time my mum went to visit her she didn't know who she was, thought she was her own long dead mother.

I can't handle seeing her now, we used to be very close, I'd rather just pretend she's already died tbh.

Just to clarify, until now both FIL and the kids loved seeing each other. We aren't forcing them to go if they hate it. FiL is usually fairly placid but somewhat drifts in and out of it.

This is completely how I feel seeing my own parent.

It's horribly distressing for everyone involved.

Prefer the lovely memory I have of them in better times. I smile looking at old holiday photos, and just feel sick with misery seeing their current suffering. If I could release them from it now (legally) then I would do so immediately.

I didn’t

I took my very young DCs to see my GM when she was ailing and in a care home. She wasn’t able to eat much but she could let a chocolate button melt in her mouth so I used to take a packet of buttons and they would share them. It’s a bit different when a parent though.

If your DH feels the situation has changed then you need to listen to him.

Not to drip feed but I haven't actually seen my PIL for the last fifteen years so it's hard for me to judge the situation first hand.I think his form of early onset made he paranoid and he refused to have anyone in the house. DH also had a tough childhood so for him its less about preserving pleasant memories as much as resenting his parents. However,, FIL was apparently great with our kids and they loved seeing him. However, I take on board that it is DH's family and he should take a kead

My Mum is in a nursing home 5 mins from me. I go every day, and give my 11year old DD the choice if she wants to come with me. Most of the time she comes. My mum has dementia, but loves to see her. If she becomes so bad that she doesn’t know her, then I will re think. For now, I think the visits benefit both parties. It’s important for children to see elderly people, and understand that they need help, love and care.

My dd takes it all in her stride, as kids often do. I wouldn’t take her if she was scared or upset though.

Our kids have never come back scared or upset. In fact, DH always comments how nice it turned out to be after every visit. I obviously would encourage them to go if they are scared