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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD birthday and sod all recognition

61 replies

Sparklybutold · 31/07/2022 17:32

As per title - I'm estranged so sod all from my side. Then DH folks bare minimum. She did get a gift and a card which wasn't signed, just a card given to her but nothing special (it's her second), no excitement, nothing. I shouldn't be surprised, but I'm so disappointed, angry and just feel sad.

I have bee working a lot on addressing my own expectations and ensuring we do something special for her but I do feel sad that my kids are so limited on this front.

So aibu or not?

OP posts:
DNAshelicase · 31/07/2022 17:36

If you’re estranged then that’s on you surely? Why would you expect relatives you don’t speak to, to buy gifts for your kid?

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/07/2022 17:36

How close are you to your in laws? Did you plan something and invite them or any friends?

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 31/07/2022 17:39

@DNAshelicase

I'm estranged owing to childhood abuse and neglect, including rape. To say arrangement was by choice is completely ignorant to the many reasons for estrangement to occur. Your reply represents the many prejudices and myths about estrangement. Of course I wouldn't expect gifts etc from this side, but my situation is just sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklybutold · 31/07/2022 17:40

@AnneLovesGilbert

I'm realising not close. I wish it was different. I thought it would be different when we moved closer especially when we had kids. I'm just realsiing how much my DH and I have licked out with parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklybutold · 31/07/2022 17:42

Lucked out!

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 31/07/2022 17:43

I’ll be honest, I don’t generally expect anyone to care much about my children except DH and me.

Some families are just crap.

Yours are obviously best out of their lives and your in laws maybe could do more but without better understanding of the nuances of your family set up it’s not clear cut.

MrsDoofus · 31/07/2022 17:43

There are lots of reasons why some kids get more acknowledgment, more time, more money spent on them than others. Focus on what your DD has. There will always be someone with more, and someone with less

Comparison is the thief of joy and all that

Discovereads · 31/07/2022 17:44

Youre your DDs family. It’s up to you to make her birthdays special. And you can.
I know it’s hard because other families have that wider support from an extended family, so your DD is missing out on that. But don’t let that get in the way of creating a fantastic childhood for her. You can do it.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 31/07/2022 17:44

@Merryoldgoat

Definitely realising how crap our extended family is. I know when my kids have kids there is no way ill be so distant with them.

OP posts:
KylieCharlene · 31/07/2022 17:45

Yanbu
I grew up with lots of fuss on my Birthday with cards and gifts galore.
My dc however do get gifts, cards and a fuss from grandparents (both sides) but in comparison it seems a little lackluster to the fuss from wider family and friends when I was young.
It seems somehow our family has diminished and wider family don't really have a relationship with my dc or with us (no falling out they just not interested in keeping in touch and are out living their own lives).
I do always invite grandparents for cake on my DCs birthday and they look forward to seeing them.
On the day my partner and I make a big fuss.

Hunderland · 31/07/2022 17:46

I think in light of your subsequent posts, that any communication from your estranged side might be extremely stressful.

So in that case YABU and your DD will realise she's not the only one with a small family unit.

BugsInTheBed · 31/07/2022 17:47

We're in a similar situation but the the answer really is to make your own fun.

As your child gets older you can invite a few friends around for a party , create your own traditions. Do a special meal /day out. Whatever it is that works for you.

It will still pang. But less as you do your own thing. Ive found it hard qs they've got older not having anyone to share happy days or good news (a piano exam/reports etc) with but ita just the situation We're in. Its healthier for our kids if we get sorted so they have st least us to love them good.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 31/07/2022 17:47

@Discovereads

I know I often look upon other families with the doting grandparents and it just makes me feel so sad. I often see grandpa re ts out and about, often talk with them about how much they are in there grandkids lives and it just makes me feel so sad. I absolutely endeavour to celebrate my kids milestones, but it also serves as a reminder of the many losses.

OP posts:
BugsInTheBed · 31/07/2022 17:49

Ah see Kylie Id love grandparents to make a fuss of my kids!!

comealongponds · 31/07/2022 17:50

so DH’s side got her a gift and a card, she won’t notice or care whether the card was signed or not

i suspect it’s more about sadness about this reminder of your estrangement than gifts, which is understandable 💐

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 31/07/2022 17:50

@KylieCharlene

I've kinda minimised trying to make effort with DH parents because it was mostly so one sided. Even DH has commented that the only reason we do have some degree of a relationship with them is because of me. I'll be going back to work soon so I know my spare time in terms of arranging stuff will become even less. I think I'm just starting to realise how low I need my expectations to be with the in laws. It does make me sad though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklybutold · 31/07/2022 17:52

@Hunderland

I may have not explained what my unreasonableness was with. I definitely want expecting anything from my side, they haven't even met my kids. But this still makes me feel so sad. But them just being with the in laws and they just seemed so uninterested.

OP posts:
Lipsandlashes · 31/07/2022 17:52

Why are you relying on extended family to make your child’s birthday special? That is up to you. We never had any extended family to buy us anything when we were children, so my mum and dad made it extra special for us.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 31/07/2022 17:52

It would be nice for her grandparents to make a fuss, but they did get her a present. Did you invite them around to sing happy birthday and eat cake with her? It is a child's parents who make a birthday special, and she will basically have the birthday you arrange for her.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 31/07/2022 17:54

@comealongponds

Absolutely and thank you for recognising this. I'm in the middle of realigning my expectations of the in laws. I've tried for year's to just connect with them, but the are so unemotional. I shouldn't be surprised because they only have a surface relationship with their own kids - there's kinda like this dutiful love but nothing deeper if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Sapphirensteel · 31/07/2022 17:55

I understand how it feels OP, my parents were totally disinterested in my children and no relatives sent so much as a birthday card. They didn’t have gps on their dad’s side. I think it’s sadder for us as the parents as we know how it could be. But I think as it’s all the children have ever known they don’t know different. When your LO is at nursery and school they’ll have parties with all the cards and gifts. I know that sounds a bit materialistic but they go with the birthday excitement you want your dc to have if that makes sense.

sleepymum50 · 31/07/2022 17:55

Ive had the same problem from my STBXH side of the family for years with my only DD. All of us having good relations and him being very close to his family. He has two brothers and they each have three children each.

My DD loves Christmas and we would go shopping together and she would choose each present for all her cousins (£10/15 each), come home wrap them all and we would post them in time for Xmas.

I don’t think the younger brother managed to send anything unless we actually met up in person, the older one ((who is very very well off) would send her a £10 Amazon card online. They are so up themselves and they think they are such a lovely family.

As you can tell, it still pisses me off and I’m so glad I’ll soon be shot of the lot of them. She recently went all out for one of her cousins 18th, but was disappointed when nothing was reciprocated. Think she is beginning to see the light.

So I sympathise.

Discovereads · 31/07/2022 17:55

Sparklybutold · 31/07/2022 17:47

@Discovereads

I know I often look upon other families with the doting grandparents and it just makes me feel so sad. I often see grandpa re ts out and about, often talk with them about how much they are in there grandkids lives and it just makes me feel so sad. I absolutely endeavour to celebrate my kids milestones, but it also serves as a reminder of the many losses.

I felt the exact same way. My DM died before my DC were born, and my DF went to the other side of the globe in his grief so he was only able to visit our DC twice their entire lives before he too died. My DH is an orphan raised by his grandmother who died when he was 14. So no grandparents there.

It is hard and sad, and at school age they will notice and ask why don’t they have grandparents and then you explain and show photos or tell stories. And they might feel a bit sad too.

But my DC all had great childhoods, youngest is now 18, and all are happy balanced human beings. There comes a point where you realise that while you can miss something you never had, it doesn’t get in the way of being happy. And your DD will be happy as you and her Dad are more than enough to make her feel loved.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 31/07/2022 17:55

@comealongponds

No she won't notice buy I keep all of these little tickets for both my kids - so she the time comes, she'll have this card with nothing in it? It's just strange. It is to me anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklybutold · 31/07/2022 17:56

Can I make it absolutely clear we did make it special for her I'm just struck how crap extended family is.

OP posts:
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