DD birthday and sod all recognition

[Sparklybutold]

As per title - I'm estranged so sod all from my side. Then DH folks bare minimum. She did get a gift and a card which wasn't signed, just a card given to her but nothing special (it's her second), no excitement, nothing. I shouldn't be surprised, but I'm so disappointed, angry and just feel sad.

I have bee working a lot on addressing my own expectations and ensuring we do something special for her but I do feel sad that my kids are so limited on this front.

So aibu or not?

@Sapphirensteel

🌸

Same for us, my dd10 both her grandpas are dead and her grannies are in care homes with dementia. My family tiny so don't really bother and Her dad is estranged from his brother and family. It's shit as I have to totally overcompensate. I'm envious of others who have doting grandparents, extended families, family friends etc.

@sleepymum50

🌸

@Discovereads

🌸

My eldest is 12. He noticed about the lack on my side when he was about 4. We have some about it all and this year we spoke about why, so spoke about abuse etc. He completely understood and started he doesn't want them in our lives. My mum dies when I was 2. I will never forget my son putting his toy soldiers on my mums grave stones so she had something to play with. He was 4.

I'm actually typing this in floods of tears. Sorry for typos.

🌺
Thats so heartwarming. You’ve raised a lovely young man.
Of course, you could have the opportunity to be a doting grandmother one day and that will be such a joy.

I'm just struck how crap extended family is.

Did you invite them to come and celebrate?

Even DH has commented that the only reason we do have some degree of a relationship with them is because of me
Then your issue is with him, not them?

I'm estranged owing to childhood abuse and neglect, including rape

Then why on EARTH would you want your DD to have any contact or relationship with such people?

@Discovereads

Thank you

@TheYearOfSmallThings

Of course I did!

@2bazookas

I don't. Not from my side. But I am still battling with wanting more from DH side. Realising this is never going to happen. It makes me feel sad.

Of course I did!

And what did they say? You mention that they have her the card in person so did they in fact come to her 2nd birthday celebration?

I'm a bit confused to be honest. She got a gift and a card, handed to her in person, but "no excitement, nothing".
I wonder what exactly you want from those around you?

I always had hideous presents from my grandparents growing up, I wish they hadn’t bothered most of the time. What I did value was spending time with them. Are you sure your DH has done everything he can to instigate this? It’s really down to him to involve his parents in you and your children’s lives.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I invited them round for cake and tea day after as they booked a holiday and returned on her birthday. After a bit of toing and froing, they just didn't confirm. I just got the impression they weren't too bothered. We went around to drop something to them so that the they gave whether unsigned and unopened card.

@Johnnysgirl

Something beyond the impression that the gift and the card (given unopened and unsigned) was a stretch? Is it unreasonable to expect GPs to demonstrate some degree of excitement at their grandchild's birthday?

@Summerfun54321

I'm starting to actually realise that DH doesn't actually want anything beyond politeness from his parents. It just makes me sad that this is the cards we have been dealt. I have to work on accepting it.

I don’t really understand. Are you and DH family in touch much or see each other? If you’re not very close I don’t know why you are expecting cards and presents? We get cards and presents from family who we see and talk to and meet up with on fairly regular occasions although we don’t live close to each other. Then I’ve also got family who I would maybe only come across on very rare occasions - like funerals and big weddings. I don’t expect anything from them.

That sounds really tough. I’m sure you’re giving her a lovely childhood, please don’t waste your energy on your Pils. They sound rubbish xx

I don't get why people are being so snippy with OP. She has clearly suffered significant trauma and loss with her family. She then has in law's who are also emotionally distant. Significant events such as your children's birthday will often make these experiences more stark and you can feel the loss and lack of even more strongly.
I think it's great you are doing work around expectations (with trained counsellor?) but I think it's also perfectly acceptable to feel sadness and loss. Sounds like you are doing everything you can to end the cycle of abuse you experienced, your children and grandchildren will have such a different life and that is something you should hold with great pride.

@Summerfun54321

Really interesting insight thank-you. I think what also hurts is how GD will tend to disappear when we do visit - it's like he just doesn't like to be around us. He doesn't ask questions and is generally just grumpy. He's mentioned about taking DS out but it has never gone beyond a brief conversation. We chose our house specifically because of where they lived and I wished we hadn't have bothered! There other son has minimal contact with them.and I can understand why to b honest! I just feel FIL can just be so insensitive and pretentious and a bully at times. Writing it down makes me realise how much not having much contact with them, particularly him isn't such a bad thing?

@Mycatsgoldtooth
I think this is what I need to.focus on. My DH has long accepted there shortcomings, I need to catch up.

@Sparklybutold i can completely understand why you would want it to be better with everything you’ve gone through. Some people have small hearts. I can’t imagine not making an effort for a child in the family

@Benjaminsniddlegrass

Thank you for such a considered ad thoughtful response. Tbh some of these responses can be typical in repaonse to estrangement as there's so much stigma around it. My loss and lack of extended support is felt often especially on special.occassions. I have had lots of trauma specialist therapy, buy as I think you will.understand the pain never goes away, I just continue to develop strategies to help me cope and respond in a way which doesn't leave me feeling so depleted and overwhelmed with sadness.