DD birthday and sod all recognition

[Sparklybutold]

As per title - I'm estranged so sod all from my side. Then DH folks bare minimum. She did get a gift and a card which wasn't signed, just a card given to her but nothing special (it's her second), no excitement, nothing. I shouldn't be surprised, but I'm so disappointed, angry and just feel sad.

I have bee working a lot on addressing my own expectations and ensuring we do something special for her but I do feel sad that my kids are so limited on this front.

So aibu or not?

I can understand that. I had a really crap extended family too - 4 aunts, 3 uncles and 2 sets of grandparents who didn't want to know. It is so hurtful. The only upside is that it hasn't bothered me when they've died.

Hopefully if you have more children and they and your DD have their own, they'll be close with each other's families at least.

@Mycatsgoldtooth

I definitely wanted DHs to be so much more, although just bothered? I just don't understand how the can be so uninterested. I am reminded daily from friends and when I go.out how lacking in the extended family department my kids are, I know they have myself and DH, but wow it's just utter shite and utterly depressing.

Expats experience a version of this (though obviously not so awfully sad). We had lovely birthdays with no extended family input at all. You can make it special, extended family really are just extras in a child’s life.

It’s not essential to keep these cards etc if you suspect they will cause hurt in the future.

Break the cycle. Be all YOU can be for your children and save them from the hurt you feel.

@Earlymenopausesucks

Very good point about not.keeping all the cards.

Same. It does make me feel a little sad, plus I’m NC with my own parents but we still try to make a fuss on bdays etc. One day we’ll move home and I’m going to throw DD the mother of all parties.

OP it’s totally understandable you feel let down. your family are obviously a no go so your DH family become so much more important to you because that’s your DC family. You want your kids to grow up knowing loads of people love them, that they are part of a wider family, connected through love. There is nothing you can do about that but you can make sure your kids feel loved by you and your DH.

I know they have myself and DH, but wow it's just utter shite and utterly depressing.

Truthfully your husband's family doesn't sound that unusual. Your emotional response and expectations are presumably due to your own family background, and I think it would be really unfortunate if this poisons the friendly if not intense relationship your DC can have with their grandparents.

You can't control what others do. You just need to focus on yourself and your children.

You make birthdays and family life special for them in your own family unit. It might be small but frankly a loving, secure, small family unit is an awful lot better than having a large but rubbish family involved in everything.

You can change things going forward by supporting your children in a way you weren't and also, in time, potentially being those loving grandparents to your future grandchildren. Look forward.

@Rinatinabina

Absolutely spot on with everything you've said. Thanks for your recognition.

If you're estranged from family due to the reasons you've described... why on Earth would you even countenance any birthday recognition from your family?

@wherearebeefandonioncrisps

I obviously didn't explain this enough. Stating this bit was trying to put everything in context. The lack of family on my side is just plain shit. And then DH family are just emotionally distant. Owing to my own upbringing and family experience I don't know what's normal or what to expect. I know that I would want to be part of my grandkids lives, so if they are present - then why would they not be demonstrative?