To be annoyed LinkedIn message from old friend

[Peachyroll]

I don't have any social media accounts because I got sick of it all years ago, but reluctantly have a LinkedIn profile for work reasons.

A uni friend who hasn't spoken to me for 10+ years messaged me on LinkedIn (so the only public way to contact me, in context) saying he was wondering what I'm up to now, essentially because he has regular catchups with one of our other uni friends (a bit of a gossip who I'm also no longer in touch with) and wants to report back to them on what I'm doing now. I don't like confrontation but this feels quite rude? Aibu to say so?

To note, this friend effectively 'dumped' me via Facebook shortly after we graduated saying his gf (now wife) wasn't keen on our friendship and he had to honour that, so we wouldn't be able to hang out any more. I'm aware his wife is quite controlling but our friendship had always been platonic on both sides, and I'm definitely not a flirt or seductress type. I'm quite plain, shy and geeky, and had a long-term boyfriend at the time.

Yeah I'd just ignore it

It’s really interesting that nearly all of the PP have said ignore in one way or another - either literally or even a polite / curt response to bat him away …. so the advice is unanimous.

What the debate seems to be is why this isn’t obvious to you - when it’s what you want to do in your gut - but you have self doubt around your own feelings around obligation or guilt?

Or maybe this has kicked up some dust from the cut off years ago, the more recent cut off which the gossip (looks like the one who made contact is the flying monkey of the other one you have distanced yourselves from) and maybe your insecurities around your career.

Allow yourself to reflect on your feelings and needs but don’t confuse that with the obligations to others.

Just ignore
it's not important

You owe him nothing.

He's just being nosy

I totally understand why you want nothing to do with him and I think your judgement is spot on.

Just ignore him. He'll have seen you read the message but so what?

You sound angry and rather bitter, it is not good for you to keep going back into the past if these are the emotions it brings up.

Actually I think that sort of behaviour is insane and toxic. I would never dream of telling my DP he couldn't be friends with a woman because of my insecurities.

I used to think that. And had a similarly 'controlled' friend whose wife didn't like me even though we were platonic completely. Yeh, turns out he had feelings and she was bang on the money. Clearly not my fault but still. Sometimes there is more going on than you know.

Aside from that, I ignore people on Linky Dink all the time. I thought everyone did. It's for work.

You're over thinking- just delete the message and don't reply.

Oh my god what a load of drama over NOTHING

blokes from my past message me all of the time! Ignore! I don’t care! They are irrelevant! I’m busy!!!

why do you care if you are thriving so much?

the fact that you are starting a mumsnet thread, are worried about appearing ‘petty’ to him and have an answer to everything would make me think his ‘controlling’ wife is actually bang on the money and you guys did have a thing whether you realised it or not

Exactly

I know absolutely zero women who are actually the controlling and paranoid wives described in situations like this. Just women who have clued onto the fact that her husband has mentionitis and the ‘very good friend’ has zero-to-no boundaries

the fact that this bloke is sending mopey linkedin messages a decade later says it all

I'd reply "report back? That's a bit stalkery. Tell him I'm fine. Thanks. Bye."

Then ignore

How can they think you're "in the gutter" though? They can look you up on LinkedIn and see you're not.

you need to let go and get on with your life just as if this chap had never contacted you. He isn't your cup of tea, so just go meh to yourself and move swiftly on,

You are going to live a painful life if you allow yourself to be unsettled by the judgement of some randoms from decades ago. Free yourself if that.

He can see broadly what you’re up to from LinkedIn. I’d also ignore

His message was crass. Just ignore and delete.

A while ago I met someone who was good friends with a toxic ex. She wanted to know what I had been doing and said she’d report it back to him. This was nearly 2 decades later.

I told her that I didn’t really remember my ex and couldn’t remember much about him. Not saying you should do this, but it felt good to let this person report back that they were not someone worth remembering.

You don't need to reply to anyone, let alone a dickhead like him. Ignore the message.

Don’t reply, been there, gone through it and it had a very negative domino effect! He is in your past for a reason. Set your LinkedIn not to accept messages from non contacts and do not reply to him! I may sound harsh, but Linkedin needs to be kept as strictly business and he is not acting respectfully after what you two went through in the past!

I’d delete the message and ignore .

I'd definitely delete, ignore and move on. A similar thing has happened to me a couple of times over the last 15 years or so and this is what I did. Why re open old wounds OP?

If you suspect that this old friend has less than benevolent reasons for making contact . i.e. he wants to hear you're in the gutter, even though I thought Linked In gives a basic outline of your current skills and job role, so surely he can do the maths from that ? why are you bothered about offending him by ignoring, or telling him to buggar off if that's what you think .
I would feel even more inclined to do the latter, if he'd told me he'd only contacted me so he can get some gossip for his other friend, he's spelled it out for you, that he couldn't care less about you, so why are you bothered about hurting his feelings

Just ignore, he told you he did not want to be friends a decade ago so you are just respecting his boundaries.

Agree. Know your worth and feel 100% comfortable and confident ignoring this.

It could just be "I still meet with Bob from time to time. We wondered how you are?"

But on MN, everything seems to be a drama.....

Having read your update about the competition of the course, definitely don’t reply. In fact, him being able to see that you have read it but haven’t replied is perfect!

Good point, maybe the wife in this situation picked up on him having less than platonic ideas of your friendship. It could be behind his wanting to find out about you now.
Possible, but ultimately irrelevant. I'm not sure you finding out their motives would bring anything to your life. Best let it all lie.