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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed LinkedIn message from old friend

102 replies

Peachyroll · 31/07/2022 15:03

I don't have any social media accounts because I got sick of it all years ago, but reluctantly have a LinkedIn profile for work reasons.

A uni friend who hasn't spoken to me for 10+ years messaged me on LinkedIn (so the only public way to contact me, in context) saying he was wondering what I'm up to now, essentially because he has regular catchups with one of our other uni friends (a bit of a gossip who I'm also no longer in touch with) and wants to report back to them on what I'm doing now. I don't like confrontation but this feels quite rude? Aibu to say so?

To note, this friend effectively 'dumped' me via Facebook shortly after we graduated saying his gf (now wife) wasn't keen on our friendship and he had to honour that, so we wouldn't be able to hang out any more. I'm aware his wife is quite controlling but our friendship had always been platonic on both sides, and I'm definitely not a flirt or seductress type. I'm quite plain, shy and geeky, and had a long-term boyfriend at the time.

OP posts:
butterflied · 31/07/2022 16:21

Delete and ignore. This seems to be taking up a lot of headspace unnecessarily.

HannahSternDefoe · 31/07/2022 16:22

I wouldn't reply.

Just ignore him.

DFOD · 31/07/2022 16:25

What they did to you 10 years ago wasn’t petty it was personal.

There is a big context to why you feel unsettled. Don’t ignore what your gut is telling you. It seems you have no interest and certainly no obligation in entertaining the curiosity of these people.

You have moved on. Ignore. Delete. Block.

Don’t even give a short response as that’s an “in” to engage you further.

Duttercup · 31/07/2022 16:25

Maybe he just wants to know how you are?

Also, his wife (girlfriend) was 21 at the time? Are you the same person you were at 21? It's not a fantastic age for decision making.

Duttercup · 31/07/2022 16:26

Although I also agree with the delete and move on people.

I just believe there's a world where this isn't part of a wider conspiracy.

Butchyrestingface · 31/07/2022 16:28

Peachyroll · 31/07/2022 15:07

I annoyingly made a typo in the title, must be catching.

He's seen that I've opened the message now, I think ignoring people is maybe a bit petty? Or not?

Show quote history

I would reply with a simple

!!!

I imagine he's divorced now. And trying gauge the lay of the land, having either fancied you back in the day, or thought that you fancied him.

GlitterB0mb · 31/07/2022 16:29

Just ignore, you don't owe him anything

LimeTwists · 31/07/2022 16:30

I just wouldn’t reply at all. Years ago, I’d have also worried about being rude but I’m now much better at not people-pleasing when I don’t want to. Look at it this way: he’s not your friend any more and they’ve shown no interest in how you are for ten years. There’s clearly no genuine concern there, just nosiness which you already suspect is based on them wanting to compare notes. Anything you say is going to be relayed back and discussed, only without you there as an actual friend. I really would totally ignore it.

If you really can’t bear to, reply with ‘Fantastic thanks! Healthy, happy and lots in the pipeline. Hope you’re good too.’ Then feel free to ignore anything else. If he knows you are well and happy and busy, what else does he possibly need to know and why?

dudsville · 31/07/2022 16:31

You're projecting an awful lot into a little message. It's ok that he's seen that you've seen the message. Just delte, let go and move on.

cushioncovers · 31/07/2022 16:31

Just ignore it.

OldFan · 31/07/2022 16:32

essentially because he has regular catchups with one of our other uni friends (a bit of a gossip who I'm also no longer in touch with) and wants to report back to them on what I'm doing now.

If you don't like the gossipy one, and don't like how this one contacting you acted towards you in the past, don't reply.

RenegadeMatron · 31/07/2022 16:35

I honestly wonder how some people cross the street without the help of MN sometimes.

Who cares if he’s seen you’ve read the message? He doesn’t matter.

Ignore and move on.

Beelezebub · 31/07/2022 16:36

Does he want to “report back” to your ex-friend what you’re doing? Or is that you inferring something from what could be an innocuous message? Even with the context of what you’ve said about the course you were all on doesn’t mean that he’s up to what you think he is.

It’s up to you what you do, but I think that telling him he’s rude when he may be just looking to catch up could be an overreaction.

zingally · 31/07/2022 16:36

Reply if you want to reply. Don't, if you don't.

If you feel duty-bound to reply, something short, friendly, but close-ended will do the trick.
"Hi Tony, all is good with me. You know how life is - busy! Best wishes, Peachy."

Don't ask any follow-up questions back. No "how are you?" Just the briefest of acknowledgement messages, and then ignore.

ABBAsnumberonefan · 31/07/2022 16:37

I’d just ignore it - almost seems weirder to open the message and then not reply until hours later because it shows how much you’ve overthought it

JanetheObscure · 31/07/2022 16:44

Similar thing happened to me, except with someone I had a brief fling with at university. We remained friends after the fling whilst still at university and then lost touch. I hadn't thought about him for years. And I do mean years.

During lockdown, he sent me a connection request on LinkedIn and I accepted, genuinely pleased to hear from him. Exchange of news - he's married, I'm married, we both have grown-up kids. He then sent me his mobile number and asked for mine (which I "forgot" to send) and the next couple of messages confirmed EXACTLY what he had in mind. Which wasn't just a friendly catch-up.

I deleted the connection.

Fenella123 · 31/07/2022 16:45

Just ignore.

In the wildly unlikely event that he saves your life by flinging himself in front of a rampaging tiger, and then says, "why didn't you reply to my message?", you can play the confused expression, "Did I not?...I thought I had... Gosh things have been so busy!!!" card.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 31/07/2022 16:54

I’d be tempted to reply ‘You’d know what I’ve been up to if you hadn’t deleted me and cut contact because your controlling harpy of a wife made you. Don’t come crawling to me now that you’ve sewn your balls back on at last’.

In reality though, I’d probably just ignore him. Not as satisfying, but ultimately more dignified.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 31/07/2022 16:56

Cautiouselectric · 31/07/2022 15:09

Don’t reply. Or write, ‚everything’s Great. Thanks.‘

end of

for what it’s worth, he hasn’t done anything wrong, he prioritised the feelings of his wife over yours, which is right to do.

It’s not much of a marriage if you can’t handle your spouse having a friend of the opposite sex. But given that he did choose to cave to her demands, he can’t just change his mind now and expect to be welcomed with open arms.

disconnected101 · 31/07/2022 17:08

Is the one who messaged you the one who 'dumped' you as a friend or is the gossip that he wants to 'report back to' the one who dumped you?
It's slightly different in either context, if the male contact was the one who wasn't allowed to continue a friendship with you, why is he getting in touch secretly?after all this time? If the 'gossip' is the male dumper why is he so keen to renew contact now? Is he still married?
I admit I'd be very curious and I'm sure you can't help but wonder why they've been talking to each other about you, they could be testing the waters, or shit stirring for all you know, but I don't imagine any scenario would bring you anything positive, so if I were you I'd ignore it and move on, all day long.

trailrunner85 · 31/07/2022 17:13

Baffled as to why you're overthinking this to such an extent. Why can't you just ignore? You sound rather too hung up on past events.

Branleuse · 31/07/2022 17:16

I think best to ignore the message. You dont want to be friends with either of them and youve moved on. You dont owe them anything, and its already making you feel awkward, so just ignore it and screw what they think.

Hunderland · 31/07/2022 17:22

Totally ignore it if you don't want to talk to him.

However, I also have a friend who got divorced and his wife was on SM not him, I finally found him via LinkedIn and we've met up a few times for lovely lunches (with his new partner and my DH).

So sometimes it's very useful!

premiumwine · 31/07/2022 17:24

Can you like messages on LinkedIn? I’d just do that and carry on with your day

C8H10N4O2 · 31/07/2022 17:25

Why do you feel under any obligation to respond? He messaged, you are not interested. Treat it like the million messages from recruiters - no obligation to respond.