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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm being unreasonable, and even that is annoying me.

63 replies

SummerHoliStress · 31/07/2022 14:31

Im being unreasonable, I know.

Maybe I just need telling because I can't even figure out why I'm annoyed.

We've been parents for 16 years, but I've always taken annual leave in the school holidays because I can and DH doesn't get paid if he doesn't work.

For the first time DH has had to take two weeks off to look after the younger ones.
He timed it with his parents coming down for the week last week.

He went and got them last Sunday and spent the day doing so.
He had the kids and my in laws this week, on Saturday morning he spent time alone with them and they had he drove them home this morning (1 hour away).

He left at 09.30 and he won't be home until about 4pm.

And it's pissed me off. I stupidly thought he would drop his parents home and leave. And he hasn't. He has gone and put his feet up for a few hours before he comes home.

And it's annoyed me.

Im unreasonable to be annoyed, I know I am.

Why has it annoyed me? The kids are being fine, they aren't stressing me out too much.
Why am I being a dick?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 31/07/2022 14:33

Is it because he's got two full weeks off and you think that means he should do two full weeks of childcare?

Topgub · 31/07/2022 14:34

Well tomorrow when he's home you take the whole day for yourself

Original poster
SummerHoliStress · 31/07/2022 14:37

Topgub · 31/07/2022 14:34

Well tomorrow when he's home you take the whole day for yourself

I'm working.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 31/07/2022 14:37

Are you upset because you don’t get time off?
I think it’s not unreasonable - he doesn’t have to spend every minute of the two weeks doing childcare does he?
maybe he wants to spend time with his parents?
on the surface it what he’s done is absolutely ok

Original poster
SummerHoliStress · 31/07/2022 14:38

girlmom21 · 31/07/2022 14:33

Is it because he's got two full weeks off and you think that means he should do two full weeks of childcare?

I don't expect him to do the childcare on his own today, is that what you meant? I was looking forward to spending the day altogether though, perhaps that's what's pissed me off. I really thought we were going to.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerHoliStress · 31/07/2022 14:39

rubyslippers · 31/07/2022 14:37

Are you upset because you don’t get time off?
I think it’s not unreasonable - he doesn’t have to spend every minute of the two weeks doing childcare does he?
maybe he wants to spend time with his parents?
on the surface it what he’s done is absolutely ok

He spent all of last Sunday, Saturday morning and a couple of evenings this week with his parents.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 31/07/2022 14:41

I don't expect him to do the childcare on his own today, is that what you meant?
I meant that maybe you feel he should take the default parent position for the two weeks as it sounds like that's normally down to you.

Topgub · 31/07/2022 14:41

@SummerHoliStress

Presumably that was the point of theory visit?

If you cant take a day to yourself tomorrow do it the next day you can.

rubyslippers · 31/07/2022 14:42

SummerHoliStress · 31/07/2022 14:39

He spent all of last Sunday, Saturday morning and a couple of evenings this week with his parents.

Show quote history

Ok
so does this bother you? Him spending time with his parents?
if you thought you would spend the day together did you chat about this
I think this sounds like lack fo communication or is it also resentment that you have done the summer childcare for 16 years?

DailyMailHater · 31/07/2022 14:46

SummerHoliStress · 31/07/2022 14:38

I don't expect him to do the childcare on his own today, is that what you meant? I was looking forward to spending the day altogether though, perhaps that's what's pissed me off. I really thought we were going to.

Show quote history

Did you communicate this with him though…he can’t be expected to know you wanted to spend the time together.

my DH does similar with my in laws, drives them home 2hrs each way…don’t think I would have ever expected him to just drop them home and come straight back

Original poster
SummerHoliStress · 31/07/2022 14:46

rubyslippers · 31/07/2022 14:42

Ok
so does this bother you? Him spending time with his parents?
if you thought you would spend the day together did you chat about this
I think this sounds like lack fo communication or is it also resentment that you have done the summer childcare for 16 years?

Show quote history

We chatted about it in that, I said "ok great so you'll be back by 1pm then? That sounds good."
thinking we would have the afternoon to do something.

And his response was "well no, I will stop for a cup of tea."

I have no issue with him spending time with his parents.

But for some reason whenever things involve his parents he doesn't tell me how much time he intends on spending with them and when he comes back late says "isn't it obvious?!"

And gets cross when I say I can't read his mind.

He recently fixed their fence. Two day job, and dropped it in at the last minute - literally - that he wasn't coming home in between and was staying over.
Apparently I should have known this because how ridiculous of me to assume he would drive back.

Totally fine with him staying over. Really fucking annoyed that he assumed I should read his mind.

So yes, perhaps we have narrowed it down. Massive lack of communication, which for some reason only happens when it involves his folks.

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 31/07/2022 14:51

...I think it is pretty obvious that he would stay overnight if doing a job at his parents - why would he do manual labour all day and then drive an hour home just to drive back the next morning when he could stay over? I'd assume staying over was the default in that situation, especially with the price of petrol.

Original poster
SummerHoliStress · 31/07/2022 14:52

MolliciousIntent · 31/07/2022 14:51

...I think it is pretty obvious that he would stay overnight if doing a job at his parents - why would he do manual labour all day and then drive an hour home just to drive back the next morning when he could stay over? I'd assume staying over was the default in that situation, especially with the price of petrol.

If I'm totally honest it never even crossed my mind.
He's worked that distance away before and hasn't stayed over (because there hasn't been the option of course!) so it simply didn't cross my mind.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 31/07/2022 14:56

How old are the kids? Unless huge age cap assuming mid teens so pretty self sufficient? Why all the rage at his spending time with his parents? You didn't really think he'd drive them home, just stop let them out and turn around again?

MolliciousIntent · 31/07/2022 14:56

SummerHoliStress · 31/07/2022 14:52

If I'm totally honest it never even crossed my mind.
He's worked that distance away before and hasn't stayed over (because there hasn't been the option of course!) so it simply didn't cross my mind.

Show quote history

In that case I think it's your bad, not his. The default in that situation would be staying over.

Similarly I would think the default would be to drop his parents back, hang out for a bit, and then come home. As he did. If you wanted to do something in the afternoon, you should have told him.

Out of interest, do you have a close relationship with your parents?

Craftybodger · 31/07/2022 14:57

You feel like that because you’re tired after a week of house guests. It’s not surprising. He’s tired too, again not surprising. You both need some recuperation time, can you do something to treat both of you, takeaway tonight?

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 31/07/2022 15:00

SummerHoliStress · 31/07/2022 14:46

We chatted about it in that, I said "ok great so you'll be back by 1pm then? That sounds good."
thinking we would have the afternoon to do something.

And his response was "well no, I will stop for a cup of tea."

I have no issue with him spending time with his parents.

But for some reason whenever things involve his parents he doesn't tell me how much time he intends on spending with them and when he comes back late says "isn't it obvious?!"

And gets cross when I say I can't read his mind.

He recently fixed their fence. Two day job, and dropped it in at the last minute - literally - that he wasn't coming home in between and was staying over.
Apparently I should have known this because how ridiculous of me to assume he would drive back.

Totally fine with him staying over. Really fucking annoyed that he assumed I should read his mind.

So yes, perhaps we have narrowed it down. Massive lack of communication, which for some reason only happens when it involves his folks.

Show quote history

How far away do they live? Just re the overnight stop for the fence as thats probably relevant - 30 minutes and I would expect him home. 2 hours and I don't think you'd need to be a mind reader but apply common sense.

Original poster
SummerHoliStress · 31/07/2022 15:00

MichelleScarn · 31/07/2022 14:56

How old are the kids? Unless huge age cap assuming mid teens so pretty self sufficient? Why all the rage at his spending time with his parents? You didn't really think he'd drive them home, just stop let them out and turn around again?

Huge age gap.

And rage is a little strong. I think I said "annoyed".

My parents at divorced, I see them as often as I see his parents.

He's never around when my mum or dad is present. I don't go and see my parents on my own.
Not for any reason, simply that they like to see the grandchildren.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerHoliStress · 31/07/2022 15:05

Oh I have remembered one thing though, when I do ask him what time he will be back from these things the answer is always the same

" I don't know " which is why, yesterday, I dropped the time "1pm" into the conversation

OP posts:
Aprilx · 31/07/2022 15:05

SummerHoliStress · 31/07/2022 14:39

He spent all of last Sunday, Saturday morning and a couple of evenings this week with his parents.

Show quote history

And he sees you every day? I am honestly really quite baffled as to what your problem is, you are definitely right that you are being unreasonable.

Original poster
SummerHoliStress · 31/07/2022 15:07

Aprilx · 31/07/2022 15:05

And he sees you every day? I am honestly really quite baffled as to what your problem is, you are definitely right that you are being unreasonable.

Show quote history

Yup, fair enough.

OP posts:
yardstickbarbedstick · 31/07/2022 15:09

I know what you mean OP. You don't get the option to fuck off for 2 days to fix a fence.
He is coming and going as ge pleases whilst you are at home being to default parent. He is the 'when it suits me I'm here when it suits me I'm off' parent.

It's not the fact you want him to come home, or parent or not stop over at his parents (who goes for a sleepover with mummy and daddy when they're old enough to have a 16 year old? it's not the norm. I wouldn't expect it) it's the fact that he thinks he can just go and stop over like it is obvious. It wouldn't enter your hear OP because you don't merrily run off for a sleepover with you mommy dearest.

My DH used to drop things on me, asking what's my problem it's only 1 hour 5hours and its not fair or right. you don't get to come and go as you please when you are responsible for children. You have to ask eachother, you HAVE TO! it's not only polite but expected.

an hour drive isn't far to come home. my dh works 3 hours away sometimes and still comes home! he stays away anywhere further than 3 hours though.

Topgub · 31/07/2022 15:09

@SummerHoliStress

I often tell dh I dont know when ill be back.

Because I dont.

I'm not a child, I dont need a curfew

If you want the day to yourself you should have told him to take the kids with him

Topgub · 31/07/2022 15:10

@yardstickbarbedstick

I come and go as I please and I dont ask my dh to do anything

yardstickbarbedstick · 31/07/2022 15:12

oh god the 'I don't know' ' I can't figure out a clock' Bullshit.

honestly the only way way get through to him is by doing it back. Drop in to your parents and St
ay for 6 hours ALONE. maybe stay the night because 20 mins is too far to drive after so much tea and biscuits ;-)

He will understand if you start fucking off every time you feel you need a break.

Do it.

also sounds like you have teens and younger children? sorry but you can't just go off merrily like a big baby when you have a family. Fucking posters trying to be the cool wife. Well done to you getting mugged off.