Page 2 | I'm being unreasonable, and even that is annoying me.

SummerHoliStress · 2022-07-31T13:31:57+00:00

Im being unreasonable, I know. Maybe I just need telling because I can't even figure out why I'm annoyed. We've been parents for 16 years, but I've always taken annual leave in the school holidays because I can and DH doesn't get paid if he doesn't work. For the first time DH has had to take two weeks off to look after the younger ones. He timed it with his parents coming down for the week last week. He went and got them last Sunday and spent the day doing so. He had the kids and my in laws this week, on Saturday morning he spent time alone with them and they had he drove them home this morning (1 hour away). He left at 09.30 and he won't be home until about 4pm. And it's pissed me off. I stupidly thought he would drop his parents home and leave. And he hasn't. He has gone and put his feet up for a few hours before he comes home. And it's annoyed me. Im unreasonable to be annoyed, I know I am. Why has it annoyed me? The kids are being fine, they aren't stressing me out too much. Why am I being a dick?

Original poster

SummerHoliStress · 31/07/2022 15:14

Topgub · 31/07/2022 15:10

@yardstickbarbedstick

I come and go as I please and I dont ask my dh to do anything

But if we both came and went as we please with no discussion the children are left to fend for themselves at times? All times? How often?

Who would know? No one is communicating, everyone just comes and goes as they please.

I totally agree that I'm being unreasonable but what you're saying doesn't make any sense at all

OP posts:

yardstickbarbedstick · 31/07/2022 15:18

Look @Topgub if it works for your family, it works. But it's not working in Ops family and its breeding resentment because she is being expected to loom after the children alone, while dp is off enjoying his annual leave.
This isn't fair because her annual leave (? I think?) was used to do childcare alone. This isn't fair and it's not working.

My dh doesn't up and leave and neither do I because we have children (under 10) and they need supervision/ feeding/ dealing with basically and neither of us would appreciate being left with them all on our own when we could do it together.

You're way isn't the only way.

Georgeskitchen · 31/07/2022 15:18

Given that you have been parenting for 16 years I assume at least one of your kids is 16. Do they actually need childcare assuming they don't have additional needs?
I was out working full time at 16

Topgub · 31/07/2022 15:19

@SummerHoliStress

I have other childcare options than dh.

If there's a clash, I'll ask someone else

I'm not saying don't communicate bit I'm absolutely not asking my dh for permission to do anything or setting myself a curfew.

If he's responsible for the kids I dont need to tell him when I'll be back, its irrelevant.

I was out last night, didn't know when I'd be home. I wasn't going to say a time, what if the time came and I didn't want to leave?

yardstickbarbedstick · 31/07/2022 15:21

SummerHoliStress · 31/07/2022 15:14

But if we both came and went as we please with no discussion the children are left to fend for themselves at times? All times? How often?

Who would know? No one is communicating, everyone just comes and goes as they please.

I totally agree that I'm being unreasonable but what you're saying doesn't make any sense at all

Show quote history

You're wrong!
you are not being unreasonable.

Things don't feel fair and you're trying to figure out why. On the face of it your dh just wants to go visit his family for 48 hours and do them a favour for 48 hours but he is doing that at the expense of family time and his wife's feelings/ time.

You are not being unreasonable.
please don't let these cool wives make you feel you are.

Topgub · 31/07/2022 15:21

@yardstickbarbedstick

Yup bit I wasn't pointing out that your was isnt the only way.

You said you have to do xyz. You don't

Op appears to be silently seething while moaning her oh isn't communicating

It works both ways

Topgub · 31/07/2022 15:23

@yardstickbarbedstick

Stop with the cool wives rubbish.

No one has said she should be a walk over.

There is a compromise to be had

Original poster

SummerHoliStress · 31/07/2022 15:37

Georgeskitchen · 31/07/2022 15:18

Given that you have been parenting for 16 years I assume at least one of your kids is 16. Do they actually need childcare assuming they don't have additional needs?
I was out working full time at 16

I'm not leaving the 16 year old to look after a 2 year old and 7 year old mon-Fri 8-5.30 for two weeks.

Is that what you mean? Maybe a sensible female would do that, but my teen boy would not be able to parent his little brothers.

OP posts:

Original poster

SummerHoliStress · 31/07/2022 15:48

Topgub · 31/07/2022 15:19

@SummerHoliStress

I have other childcare options than dh.

If there's a clash, I'll ask someone else

I'm not saying don't communicate bit I'm absolutely not asking my dh for permission to do anything or setting myself a curfew.

If he's responsible for the kids I dont need to tell him when I'll be back, its irrelevant.

I was out last night, didn't know when I'd be home. I wasn't going to say a time, what if the time came and I didn't want to leave?

But it will be down to you to source the other childcare and presumably let that person know when you will be back?

Bit of a contradiction in your go forth and not be the default parent.

For me, I'm at fault two fold. For being annoyed but also, I realise now that I do let my husband know when I will be back (roughly) I also contact him if intend to stay later or am running late.

I don't have that back from him, so more fool me.

OP posts:

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 31/07/2022 15:51

It sounds like poor communication rather than someone being unreasonable.

I mean, on the face of it, it is unreasonable to set a curfew on him visiting his parents - and asking him to be back by a random time you've decided isn't really very helpful either.

If you want him back by a certain time in order to spend time together, then you need to tell him that. Be explicit. After all, he's not a mind-reader and probably thinks "I've done a week of childcare, this is my chance to have a bit of a break before doing it for another week straight" rather than "I haven't had a chance to spend time with SummerHoliStress this week, so I'd better hurry back".

Neither view is wrong, it's just poor communication and nobody being explicit about their plans and expectations.

Topgub · 31/07/2022 15:53

@SummerHoliStress

I'm not sure why it's a contradiction? Having a back up doesn't make me the default parent.

But yeah. It does seem more fool you. You're not telling your oh what you want

whatstheteamarie · 31/07/2022 15:57

Do you think he's stopping at his parents so he can watch the F1 in peace, therefore leaving the Sunday childcare to you when you have a busy week of work ahead?

In other words, is he opting out of parenting to do fun stuff, using "visiting his parents" as an excuse and leaving you to parent solo?

Hallamus · 31/07/2022 15:58

Well it sounds like he doesn't communicate with you effectively about what will be happening and he doesn't see that as a problem at all. Would not work for me OP. He's keeping his independence and spontaneity at the cost of yours.

Brefugee · 31/07/2022 15:58

Oh I have remembered one thing though, when I do ask him what time he will be back from these things the answer is always the same
" I don't know " which is why, yesterday, I dropped the time "1pm" into the conversation

if he's anything like me he doesn't want to be tied down to a schedule. Especially when he is visiting his p arents.

Original poster

SummerHoliStress · 31/07/2022 15:59

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 31/07/2022 15:51

It sounds like poor communication rather than someone being unreasonable.

I mean, on the face of it, it is unreasonable to set a curfew on him visiting his parents - and asking him to be back by a random time you've decided isn't really very helpful either.

If you want him back by a certain time in order to spend time together, then you need to tell him that. Be explicit. After all, he's not a mind-reader and probably thinks "I've done a week of childcare, this is my chance to have a bit of a break before doing it for another week straight" rather than "I haven't had a chance to spend time with SummerHoliStress this week, so I'd better hurry back".

Neither view is wrong, it's just poor communication and nobody being explicit about their plans and expectations.

Oh I've tried that in the past.

It goes down like a lead balloon.

I wasn't trying to set him a time, rather a a starter for him to say "well maybe more like 3..." So I knew where I stood. Is he home for dinner? Isn't he? Do I have time to go to Tesco before 4pm or should I take the kids with me because he won't be back? Will he be back to read smallest DS a book before bed or not?

I have no idea. Because he won't tell me.

OP posts:

Paslaptis · 31/07/2022 16:02

I realise now that I do let my husband know when I will be back (roughly) I also contact him if intend to stay later or am running late. I don't have that back from him, so more fool me.

Can you specifically ask him to do this on a regular basis, as the default, going forward? Even if he feels it's unnecessary to him, it's not a huge effort. It seems like the inconvenience for him of estimating a timeframe and then calling/texting you if it changes significantly is less than the inconvenience you feel never having the full information. And how hard is it, in the case where he was planning to stay overnight, to tell you that when he made the plans, just to make sure you knew?

As for today, perhaps you were hoping for some time with him or time with just the immediate family and he was thinking of it as a "free day" for him. It probably would have been different if you'd planned an outing for the afternoon: "I want to leave by 13.30 at the latest so we have plenty of time at the museum". But he's not thinking of spending time together, even without firm plans, as an important thing.

Are you bothered that he didn't find it important to spend time with you and the children today, kind of a "reconnect" since it's back to just your household? Or more bothered that he just assumed you'd take care of the younger child(ren) for as long as he wanted to stay out? I think if his intentions are good it should be relatively easily fixed with your telling him you need more info ahead of time and his making the effort to remember. If his intentions are not good, he'll do what he wants anyway and make it very difficult for you to ask for what you need without feeling guilty. Don't play that game.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 31/07/2022 16:08

SummerHoliStress · 31/07/2022 15:59

Oh I've tried that in the past.

It goes down like a lead balloon.

I wasn't trying to set him a time, rather a a starter for him to say "well maybe more like 3..." So I knew where I stood. Is he home for dinner? Isn't he? Do I have time to go to Tesco before 4pm or should I take the kids with me because he won't be back? Will he be back to read smallest DS a book before bed or not?

I have no idea. Because he won't tell me.

Show quote history

Why not ask him those questions rather than just hope he says a time, then?

Original poster

SummerHoliStress · 31/07/2022 16:12

Can you specifically ask him to do this on a regular basis, as the default, going forward? Even if he feels it's unnecessary to him, it's not a huge effort.

I have lost count how many times I have asked him to give me a rough time for the reasons I mentioned above. Its met with silence. It that isn't necessarily unreasonable for him to do, if some of the reactions on here are to go by (people feeling similarly).

Are you bothered that he didn't find it important to spend time with you and the children today, kind of a "reconnect" since it's back to just your household?

This. It's been a shitty week, the kids have been Hard Work he hasn't coped that well and I was hoping it would be a nicer day.

OP posts:

luxxlisbon · 31/07/2022 16:18

There just seems to be a theme on here where people are pissed when their partners don’t martyr themselves.
He wasn’t in a position to take time off during the school holidays previously - he is now and he has done it. He has made the most of his time off with the kids and also had a nice day visiting his parents, but you’re annoyed because he should just spend his day slugging away and not enjoying this 2 weeks?

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 31/07/2022 16:21

This. It's been a shitty week, the kids have been Hard Work he hasn't coped that well and I was hoping it would be a nicer day

But maybe he wanted a break before another week straight with them. You admit they've been hard work, so I don't see an issue with him spending a day with his parents before getting back to it.

I also think if you were the one driving your parents home, posters would be encouraging you to stay for lunch or go shopping before coming home so that he can give you a break from two weeks of solid childcare/parenting.

RiojaRose · 31/07/2022 16:24

I agree that it’s unreasonable for him to say he doesn’t know when he’ll be back, especially as you have children and you need to plan things like shopping, cooking etc. He’s being selfish and disrespectful. Do you have any theories about why it only happens when he sees his family?

drpet49 · 31/07/2022 16:26

You are being unreasonable and ridiculous.

Original poster

SummerHoliStress · 31/07/2022 16:32

Do you have any theories about why it only happens when he sees his family?

No idea. He used to do it when he went to the gym as well.
He would just walk into the living room with his gym stuff on an announce he was going to the gym.
This could happen in the evening or 9am Saturday morning, who knows.
I was supposed to read his mind then as well.

I just want to press, I never ever expect him to ask "permission" just a heads up about his plans so I can then plan my day knowing he won't be present.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 31/07/2022 16:36

Sounds like 2 connected issues

He doesn't communicate with you

You are the default childcare 100% of the time, therefore he sees no need to communicate with you

How would he be if you went off and said see you later with no return time?

HannahSternDefoe · 31/07/2022 16:38

How far away are they? I assume they either don't drive or won't drive that far...
YABU.
He'll be back when he's back and as he has form, then you know to expect this. 🤷‍♀️