To feel like dp is ruling my life

[Shell23]

Recently I've been finding it extremely grating that it seems like dp gets to control all the big decisions in our lives.

I'm a sahm to our first child whilst he works ft. We aren't currently living together as I got tired of living with him and his family. He promised we would move out, we started looking at finances and I started house hunting/Contacting estate agents. I even arranged viewings. Then all the sudden dp turned around and so "nope we can't afford it". I've been patiently living with him and his family for years now in the hopes that he keeps saying we will "move soon" and it finally felt like the real thing this time. I felt so shattered by it all. I know money wise we would struggle but it's a struggle I'm willing to take if it means get on with our lives independently and progressing as a family. But dp has said no so that is that.

Another aspect is that we was going to move further out. Its always been a dream of mine since forever to move away. I'm not a need to travel around the world kind of person but I definitely want to get out of the tiny bubble we live in and expand our horizons. The places we where looking at were beautiful. We went and actually visited these places and the atmosphere/environment was so beautiful. I allowed myself to feel excited and hopeful. Well now dp has proclaimed that he doesn't want to move far anymore (influenced by his dm that doesn't want us out of her sight) and I'm so upset. Dp is adamant that "for dc" we need to stay local so dc can see family. I've argued that actually where we are looking to move to is better for dc since it is a place where the cost of living is cheaper and the actual place itself is generally happier and safer for children. But nope. Dp won't have it.

Another big thing is that we are engaged to get married and we both want another dc. But of course because dp is hindering everything else marriage and having another dc is completely off the table for the "foreseeable future" which is pretty open ended as our financial state Isnt going to change anytime soon. I know its silly to want have a child when we can't afford our own home but for my own personal health reasons i want and need to have a child soon. Dc1 put alot of strain on my body which ended up in an emc because my body couldn't handle birth. I'm worried how any more time span added on will affect my bodies ability to bear a pregnancy again. Every month I secretly hope I am pregnant but obviously am not! I could never tell dp this but it crushes me everytime I get a negative test.

I just don't find it fair that dp holds all the cards to every major life decision that is made. I have already had to sacrifice so much and accommodated to dps needs for example me living with him and his family when I didn't want to.

Aibu to feel like this and that dp is more in control of my own life than me. I know we both need to be on board with things like this but when do I ever get a say then?

He gets to make all the decisions because you let him. So take control. Get a job, put child in nursery and move. If he follows or not is his decision. You sound incredibly passive.

OP, you've had a lot of straight talking from MN in recent times and it's unanimous that this relationship isn't a relationship and that you need to do what's best for you and your child.

It must be really upsetting for you to hear some home truths but you can't carry on as you are.
You must know that.

If you insist on persisting with this man then only heartache lies ahead.

not again op its the same thing with a new thread and you just say ok until the next one

What's that supposed to mean?

This has been going on for two years.

Why do you keep asking the same question and ignoring the answers?

What exactly do you want everyone to say?

'Wanting & needing another child' with this man is absurd. What you need to do is become financially independent & live the life you want. You two are not well matched. And want completely different things. Don't get pregnant by him, don't marry him, put your child first & go & make yourself happy. Because you'll be miserable as sin stuck with a second baby & having your life dictated by him.

If I wrote need a 2nd dc obviously that isn't true. I meant I do need to have a baby soon IF I was to have another. I would love another dc and it's a hard pill to Swallow that it may never happen for what ever the reason. I know the worst thing possible would be to become pregnant now but my feelings don't change just because of reason. This doesn't mean I'm going to do it. We are not trying for a baby.

I said thanks because it's alot of food for thought. I feel like im being taken on for a ride but I guess as pps said that's because I'm allowing him to.

There is no way dp would let me move away with dc. Him or his family. I know you will all say just do it they can't dictate like but that but it's really not that easy. I don't want to separate dc from their dad. Dc loves him and he isn't a bad dad. He has however since this separation become a little less hands on. He refuses to even take dc alone into a supermarket even though I do it all the time. He doesn't really change any nappies anymore or play with dc as such but that's because he is at work most of the time.

This set up isn't a joke. It works alot better than the previous because I'm no longer heavily intertwined with his family. My life in that respect has become my own rather than theirs. I don't understand people's confusion to it though as I've read lots of threads on here of couples living separately to each other

OP, yes, there are couples who live separately but in your case , your partner has a problem and he is tied to his controlling mother.

His mother is ruling your relationship, not you or your supposed partner.

And, yes, you can leave and you can go through the courts re contact and maintenance.

If your man truly loved you and your child, you would be living together, making plans together and he would be hands on caring for your child.

He isn't.

Why don’t you try to find work? A lot of people suggested a job would really benefit you but you didn’t respond to that.

Couples living separately when it's both their decisions - you want to live with him, that's where the difference is.

So he lives with his family, you have your own house with dc?
If so that's not sahm that's a single parent isn't it? Who's funding the home you live in?

he isn't a bad dad. He has however since this separation become a little less hands on. He refuses to even take dc alone into a supermarket even though I do it all the time. He doesn't really change any nappies anymore or play with dc as such but that's because he is at work most of the time.

He is a bad Dad. He doesn’t play with your child, he doesn’t do basics like changing nappies and he’s put himself before your DC (and you).

What is your living situation atm? Are you renting?

Are you claiming benefits? Be very careful - abusive men often use benefits claims as a means of control (woman claims as a single person as lives alone, then manipulative man threatens to tell DWP they were a couple and sharing finances sparking investigation).

You've handed over every bit of that control of your life to him. Stop being so passive.

Im claiming benefits at the moment. My family have taken me in whilst I get myself together. Thing is although I am entitled for housing help I can't find one single private landlord that will actually accept uc let alone respond to me about it. They never directly say no to uc but say no to me and I know that's why

There is no way dp would let me move away with dc. Him or his family. I know you will all say just do it they can't dictate like but that but it's really not that easy. I don't want to separate dc from their dad.

But you’ve already done it, you’re already separated. Or better say, he’s done it - he happily moved back in with his parents. He’s left you. You don’t need to literally move away - just find a place of your own ideally and be more independent. Be a grown up basically. You need to find a job - you can’t call yourself a SAHM if you’re actually a single parent on benefits to a child that is not a baby, living with her parents, that’s just a bit of a joke.
You’re in a better situation than most to end a fizzled out relationship (I use that phrase loosely since I’m not convinced there was ever any ‘spark’). You already live separately, he already lives away from your DC and doesn’t do anything to help. You literally just need to let him know its over. You’d then have a starting point to move on - but your situation would be no different. Which shows you’re currently not actually in a relationship. I guess he’s a fuck buddy at best if you still visit each other to bonk every now and then. But you can find another one. Just get some contraception first and stock up on condoms for good measure so you don’t end up in this shit show of situation again.

It’s very unusual for a couple to live separately in this particular situation.

It’s usually something people chose when one or both already have kids of their own, and/or where they already have established homes.

You don’t have an established home. You have a partner with whom you have a kid who is more like your owner or parent but he won’t leave his own parent’s house.

@Shell23 this sounds like a horrible situation for you. Also your child - what are you showing them by your lack of any independence and hope for the future ? At best it is going to look like more of the same, a man who doesn't put you first and being totally saddled with your partners family. At worst you are jeopardising your mental health and ability to get out of this while you can.
Move on, he isn't good enough for you, and never will be. I would echo what others have said - get a job, some childcare and an exit route to a better life now.

You have already taken the first step by moving in with your family. Now you need to find a job, find childcare and find your own place to live. One step at a time and then you will be independent. You don't have to move far away just don't go back to this awful man and his family. Take charge of your own life.

The most important thing is to stay around your own family. It’s very kind of them to take you in. I’d say it more important for your child to have a relationship with grandparents who are decent people than their clusterfuck of a father.

Could you return to work? It would give you some independence and financial freedom?

You have been complaining about him for over 2 years here. Is he still using recreational drugs? You said 2 years ago he was “no good” and you considered a termination of the pregnancy. And here you are two years later and he hasn’t changed, he won’t change, yet you want another baby with him.

Ask yourself how much more time you are going to give yourself for things to change?

From what you have written he isn't your DP - he is living with his family and you aren't a SAHM. You are a single Mum living with your family.
I think you need to get back into work to take back some control of your and your child's life.

It seems to me like you've got in mind the kind of life you want, it's not what he wants, and you're expecting him to finance it.

Get a job and start paying your own way.

Once you're bringing some money in you can talk about whether you're going to live together and make a decent go of things, or go your separate ways.

Obviously you shouldn't have another baby at the moment.

You have put yourself in a position where he is the only one bringing in the money, so what do you honestly expect? Of course he has the final say in anything that requires paying for - he doesn't want to pay for it, it doesn't happen. I'm not saying that is right, but by becoming a SAHM the balance of power shifts and you have to deal with that.

He sounds like a rubbish partner, you'd be really stupid to have another kid with him before all these things are sorted out

He doesn't use drugs now and hasn't since for those past two years he has been clean. He has, given slowly, got his screwed on better and is working hard to better his situation which is now ours.

I didn't have a termination for personal reasons, mostly trauma. And I don't regret it. My dc is the best thing to come from this whole mess of my life. I never considered myself even liking children before dc. Now I yearn for another child despite the horror I went through to get dc here. That's not to say I'm going to do something stupid and reckless by getting pregnant. But I'm allowed to have feelings whether they are right or wrong.

I understand I need to get my own job but who will look after dc?? I have no family that can look after dc as they work themselves. Neither does dp. I can't afford childcare! Job centre said I'm not eligible for childcare help to dc is 3 so what am I meant to do (genuine question because I'm tired of people stating the obvious)

I understand I need to get my own job but who will look after dc?? I have no family that can look after dc as they work themselves. Neither does dp. I can't afford childcare! Job centre said I'm not eligible for childcare help to dc is 3 so what am I meant to do (genuine question because I'm tired of people stating the obvious)

I’m not convinced this is correct. In your circumstances, you may be entitled to free education and childcare for 2 year olds. How old is your DC?

You live with your parents at the moment. Presumably they don’t work all day everyday? I would ask them for support with childcare to get you going and you can try and work around the hours they can offer you. Find some evening or night shift work for when DC is in bed to start you off, if that’s easier for your parents to accommodate.

You don’t sound like you intend to break up with your ‘DP’. You insist he’s a good dad. If your parents can’t help, send DC his way while you work.

Not being funny but I think you have a lot more childcare options than most people.