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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like dp is ruling my life

92 replies

Shell23 · 31/07/2022 14:21

Recently I've been finding it extremely grating that it seems like dp gets to control all the big decisions in our lives.

I'm a sahm to our first child whilst he works ft. We aren't currently living together as I got tired of living with him and his family. He promised we would move out, we started looking at finances and I started house hunting/Contacting estate agents. I even arranged viewings. Then all the sudden dp turned around and so "nope we can't afford it". I've been patiently living with him and his family for years now in the hopes that he keeps saying we will "move soon" and it finally felt like the real thing this time. I felt so shattered by it all. I know money wise we would struggle but it's a struggle I'm willing to take if it means get on with our lives independently and progressing as a family. But dp has said no so that is that.

Another aspect is that we was going to move further out. Its always been a dream of mine since forever to move away. I'm not a need to travel around the world kind of person but I definitely want to get out of the tiny bubble we live in and expand our horizons. The places we where looking at were beautiful. We went and actually visited these places and the atmosphere/environment was so beautiful. I allowed myself to feel excited and hopeful. Well now dp has proclaimed that he doesn't want to move far anymore (influenced by his dm that doesn't want us out of her sight) and I'm so upset. Dp is adamant that "for dc" we need to stay local so dc can see family. I've argued that actually where we are looking to move to is better for dc since it is a place where the cost of living is cheaper and the actual place itself is generally happier and safer for children. But nope. Dp won't have it.

Another big thing is that we are engaged to get married and we both want another dc. But of course because dp is hindering everything else marriage and having another dc is completely off the table for the "foreseeable future" which is pretty open ended as our financial state Isnt going to change anytime soon. I know its silly to want have a child when we can't afford our own home but for my own personal health reasons i want and need to have a child soon. Dc1 put alot of strain on my body which ended up in an emc because my body couldn't handle birth. I'm worried how any more time span added on will affect my bodies ability to bear a pregnancy again. Every month I secretly hope I am pregnant but obviously am not! I could never tell dp this but it crushes me everytime I get a negative test.

I just don't find it fair that dp holds all the cards to every major life decision that is made. I have already had to sacrifice so much and accommodated to dps needs for example me living with him and his family when I didn't want to.

Aibu to feel like this and that dp is more in control of my own life than me. I know we both need to be on board with things like this but when do I ever get a say then?

OP posts:
Snoozer11 · 31/07/2022 15:16

Get a job.

Justcallmebebes · 31/07/2022 15:16

This ones not a keeper OP

CatherinedeBourgh · 31/07/2022 15:17

It sounds like you've written the movie of how you want your life to be, and your h's only role in it is to finance it.

I wouldn't be keen either if I was him.

If I were you, I would get a job so I can afford to do the things I want to do. And only have children when I can.

chilliesandspices · 31/07/2022 15:20

I know money wise we would struggle but it's a struggle I'm willing to take if it means get on with our lives independently and progressing as a family. But dp has said no so that is that.

How much of a struggle? Things are about to get a lot more expensive. Have you figured out the cost of bills? Whether you can pay if interest on your mortgage increased? It's hard to tell if you're being unrealistic about what you can afford or if he just doesn't want to give up more of his disposable income.

DDivaStar · 31/07/2022 15:26

This is not a committed relationship. He has you on call when he wants with no commitments. Where are you living now ?

You need to stop relying in him as he clearly doubt prioritise you or your child.

Get a job, get some independence and start deciding your own future.

MichelleScarn · 31/07/2022 15:31

So is the new place you want to move to somewhere your dp can work from or travel to work at less cost?

Spohn · 31/07/2022 15:31

Saw on one of your other threads this man is a substance abuser, absolutely do not inflict this man on another kid. Build a life for you and your kid and end this farce with the idiot you’re dating.

Ponderingwindow · 31/07/2022 15:32

Op, I’m pretty sure I remember your story. Ask yourself, has he honestly changed you got pregnant? Is he treating you better? Is he prioritizing his child over all else? Given his horrible housing situation, is every single bit of discretionary income not spent on your child going to saving for a home or is he spending on himself?

you need to stop ttc, find child care, and secure employment. He can only control your life if you continue to let him. You have to seek enough independence that you have the power to make decisions for yourself and your child.

FilthyforFirth · 31/07/2022 15:32

How the hell are you thinking of having another baby when you dont work, cant afford it and your rship is on the brink of a breakdown?

It would be imcredibly selfish to bring another child into this.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 31/07/2022 15:34

Move without him and end the 'relationship' once you're there.

Otherwise, you'll be unmarried, trapped living within spitting distance of his parents and if you finally decide you've had enough, he'll use the courts to insist that you either stay exactly where you are or give up residence of your child.

Oh, and he'll probably leave you once you're trapped.

Crankley · 31/07/2022 15:35

YABU

You don't have a 'DP', he will never marry you, he will never live with you, I'm assuming you are on benefits, you want and need to have another child? How about thinking of the needs of the child rather than your own?

Time to get a job and live your own life rather than waiting for something that's never going to happen.

HesterShaw1 · 31/07/2022 15:36

You already have one child. You may want another but you don't "need" one - nobody needs a child.

I agree with the posters who say you need to take back control of your life, get a job and move on without him. (I know it's easy to say). It doesn't sound as though you see one another as life partners. He won't change and until she is dead, the influence his mother has over him won't diminish. It'll be crap and bringing another child into this situation will be crap.

Dotcheck · 31/07/2022 15:38

Were you both saving before you had your child? If so, where is the money?

HesterShaw1 · 31/07/2022 15:38

I'm pretty sure unfortunately that the OP won't take any of this advice.

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 31/07/2022 15:39

That's what I'm thinking @HesterShaw1

TooHotToTangoToo · 31/07/2022 15:41

He doesn't hold all the cards. You do! Go it there, find a job, save up and buy yourself the house in the area you want to

BeanieTeen · 31/07/2022 15:43

Well you’re obviously not compatible, you don’t want any of the same things. You’re not even really together. Do you actually love each other? The whole set up sounds weird. You may as well just pull a randomer off the street to be in a ‘relationship’ with and then complain he doesn’t want the same things as you.

Don’t marry him.
Don’t have another baby with him.
Find a job.

He’s not ruling your life at all, you’re not married to him or even living together so take your DC and go do what you want 🤷‍♀️

justfiveminutes · 31/07/2022 15:45

He is making the big financial decisions because he will be funding them all.

Deciding when and where to buy a house should be a joint decision of course but then your wishes around that do not trump his. You want a house now, and to move away. He wants to wait a bit, and to stay local. Neither of you is wrong, just incompatible.

I am not absolutely clear on the set up really - he is your dp and you are a sahm, yet you don't live together. So what is stopping you from moving to the area you want, yourself, any time you like? If it is money, shelve the idea of dc2 and get a job, make the life you want.

Original poster
Shell23 · 31/07/2022 15:47

Okay thanks everyone

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 31/07/2022 15:53

This isn't going to work out how you want it to so why don't you take control of your life by ending this relationship? Work out how you are going to provide financial security for you and your DC and move on from this non-relationship. Prioritise the child you have and don't even think about another.

Hallamus · 31/07/2022 16:01

He's going to hold you back forever OP, he is happy with the status quo and isn't bothered that you aren't. Get out while you have your youth left.

He is making the big financial decisions because he will be funding them all.

NOT how it works. Disgusting attitude.

IrisVersicolor · 31/07/2022 16:09

I just don't find it fair that dp holds all the cards to every major life decision that is made. I have already had to sacrifice so much and accommodated to dps needs for example me living with him and his family when I didn't want to.

You’ve given him all the cards. Take them back: You’re basically a single mother so you can do what you like. Take control of your life - get a job, move where you want to live.

hesttreat · 31/07/2022 16:14

Ridiculous having another child, get your priorities sorted.

I'd also get back to work, your financially very vulnerable!

hesttreat · 31/07/2022 16:14

*you're

Timeforanewnamenow · 31/07/2022 16:16

Yes, you have relinquished control in significant areas of your life. Why? Very bad idea to be an unmarried SAHM. I don’t understand why people do this tbh