To have advised friend to keep quiet

Bearhats21 · 2022-07-31T09:24:39+00:00

Last year a close friend confided in me that on a trip back to her hometown she got drunk and kissed an old friend. She is married with two children.At the time her DM had just died and her DH wasnt particularly supportive. There has been no repeat behaviour,but yesterday she told me she is thinking of telling him as she still feels so badly. I've advised her to say nothing, it was a one off event when she was questioning everything. Was I right to give this advice ? I don't want her to act hastily and ruin many lives ,including her childrens.

Ontomatopea · 31/07/2022 10:25

Its up to her and her conscience

SpiderVersed · 31/07/2022 10:26

The only reason to tell him is to make her feel better for confessing. It would be very selfish of her.

Skelligsfeathers · 31/07/2022 10:26

I completely agree with you. It's never going to happen again, she needs to keep quiet.
If my dh did it , I wouldn't want to know.

Darktimes35 · 31/07/2022 10:28

If it was a one off horrible mistake I wouldn’t tell him. It would utterly wreak their relationship.

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 10:30

Rather than “tell” me friend to keep quiet, I would ask whether she was prepared for the potential consequences of her marriage ending. If she is prepared to accept this as a consequence then she really truly does need to tell him.

Original poster

Bearhats21 · 31/07/2022 10:36

@Happyandyouknowit82 She asked for my opinion and I gave it rather than telling her what to do ( perhaps I worded that incorrectly). It was so out of character I was really shocked , it definitely was a one off .

OP posts:

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 10:57

How did she respond to your advice

Fairyliz · 31/07/2022 11:04

A friend of mine was in exactly the same situation; her Dm had died and she thought her DH wasn’t being supportive.
She actually had a one night stand with a colleague and confessed to her husband who threw her out.
Twenty years later she is remarried but her relationship with her children who were teenagers at the time has never properly recovered.
Despite being happy with her new husband, she told me it was the biggest regret of her life and if she could go back she wouldn’t tell her first husband.

So I certainly wouldn’t tell about a drunken kiss, just use it as a learning experience.

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 11:22

and even as adults the teens haven’t changed their perspective?

ClocksGoingBackwards · 31/07/2022 11:27

She’s hating the feeling of guilt and is thinking it will go away if she confesses without recognising how big the fall out could be. Is she prepared for the fact that her DH might not forgive and it will be the end of the relationship. How would she feel if he told their entire family, which he’d have every right to do?

I think you told her the right thing.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 31/07/2022 11:29

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 11:22

and even as adults the teens haven’t changed their perspective?

Why should being an adult change their perspective enough to make them think that what their mum did was ok?

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 11:30

ClocksGoingBackwards · 31/07/2022 11:29

Why should being an adult change their perspective enough to make them think that what their mum did was ok?

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You seriously can’t see that as a teen weave you might just see the word “one night stand” and be black and white about it

But with the passage of time, you understand that losing your mother and feeling unsupported may have impacted you very profoundly and led you to make a stupid one off decision.

you see no development in perspective from a teen to an adult? 😐

Bluetrews25 · 31/07/2022 11:34

Her penance for this is to carry the secret with her for ever.
Telling him will not ease her guilty feelings, it will only compound them as then she will feel even worse for giving her DH the pain.
A trouble shared will be a trouble doubled in this case.

CallOnMe · 31/07/2022 11:37

Give your advice from both sides so she has all of the options but you’re not telling her what to do.

A few years ago my friend got a Man’s number and she asked my opinion on whether to tell her DP.

I said I usually think you should be completely honest but in this situation I don’t think it’s a good idea as he could break up with you over it when you’ve not done anything too bad but I said it was her choice.
She ended up telling him and told him that I had said to not tell him so they both blamed me and she wasn’t allowed to speak to me again.

So I haven’t spoken to my best friend for 4 years.

Give advice but leave it up to her. You could even say I don’t know.

Maybee21 · 31/07/2022 11:38

Was it truly just a kiss or was there more to it? My advice would be that if there are generally happy together, both want to stay in the relationship and she's only confessing to assuage her guilt then that's not a great idea as it will probably ruin her relationship, or at the very least put a big strain on it. If she is sure it will never happen again nor anything like it then she would be better of forgiving herself and moving on.

If there is more to the story and one or neither of them are happy then yes, telling him would be the best in that instance.

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 11:41

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 11:30

You seriously can’t see that as a teen weave you might just see the word “one night stand” and be black and white about it

But with the passage of time, you understand that losing your mother and feeling unsupported may have impacted you very profoundly and led you to make a stupid one off decision.

you see no development in perspective from a teen to an adult? 😐

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Not even a one stand stand

a kiss

Avaynia · 31/07/2022 11:42

I love how if she could go back she wouldn’t not have a one night stand she would just not tell him. Maybe that mentality is the reason her relationship with her children didn’t recover rather than the event itself.

I don’t think pretending honesty is about making yourself feel better is the right path but I personally think intentionally withholding information that you know would impact someone’s decision about consenting to something is shitty regardless of how small or one off it is.

AthenaPopodopolous · 31/07/2022 11:43

Yes I think your advice is sound. She needs to drop the guilt and just get on with her life. Otherwise she will just wreck the happiness of the whole family.

Gaveitall · 31/07/2022 11:45

Do not tell him!
It could turn out badly.
She must put it behind her & move on.
We’ve all made mistakes esp at times of stress.
What is the point of loading her man with her guilt?
Time will soften the memory and the guilt.

TeapotTitties · 31/07/2022 11:46

SpiderVersed · 31/07/2022 10:26

The only reason to tell him is to make her feel better for confessing. It would be very selfish of her.

Yes, this. It would be a very selfish act.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 31/07/2022 11:51

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 11:30

You seriously can’t see that as a teen weave you might just see the word “one night stand” and be black and white about it

But with the passage of time, you understand that losing your mother and feeling unsupported may have impacted you very profoundly and led you to make a stupid one off decision.

you see no development in perspective from a teen to an adult? 😐

Show quote history

I’d assume that as teens they saw a whole lot more than the words ‘one night stand’, including the arguments it would have created, their father being devastated, their family being destroyed and the resulting separation.

As an adult I can see that it would become easier to understand that good people do bad things sometimes, but that understanding isn’t going to make up for the fact that their mother had to move out of their family home. It’s not going to bring back the missed years while they gained that understanding and it’s not going to take away the hurt that they will have witnessed in their other parent.

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 11:52

ClocksGoingBackwards · 31/07/2022 11:51

I’d assume that as teens they saw a whole lot more than the words ‘one night stand’, including the arguments it would have created, their father being devastated, their family being destroyed and the resulting separation.

As an adult I can see that it would become easier to understand that good people do bad things sometimes, but that understanding isn’t going to make up for the fact that their mother had to move out of their family home. It’s not going to bring back the missed years while they gained that understanding and it’s not going to take away the hurt that they will have witnessed in their other parent.

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my mother has an affair

my stance as a 13 year old is a world away to my stance as a 40 year old.

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 11:52

And that was my mistake

it wasn’t a one night stand

it was a kiss

ClocksGoingBackwards · 31/07/2022 11:55

@Happyandyouknowit82 I was responding to @Fairyliz who posted about a situation where it was a one night stand, not just a kiss.

CrossStitch87 · 31/07/2022 12:00

When you cheat on your partner you’re also cheating on your kids. Your family unit as a whole.

you’re gambling with/taking away from them their stable family unit. Their family home.