To have advised friend to keep quiet

[Bearhats21]

Last year a close friend confided in me that on a trip back to her hometown she got drunk and kissed an old friend.
She is married with two children.At the time her DM had just died and her DH wasnt particularly supportive.
There has been no repeat behaviour,but yesterday she told me she is thinking of telling him as she still feels so badly.
I've advised her to say nothing, it was a one off event when she was questioning everything.
Was I right to give this advice ? I don't want her to act hastily and ruin many lives ,including her childrens.

You quoted me 😐

Absolutely

Normally I think being honest is best but perhaps not in this situation. She made a mistake and her punishment is feeling guilty, telling her DH will help with the guilt but upset her DH who may start to feel like he can't trust his wife anymore. It's a one off and just a kiss at a particularly bad time. If things are good between them now it seems a shame to ruin it.

I don’t understand why she wouldn’t tell her husband? Usually on MN you would be getting pressure to tell her husband about her cheating.

I was the one who originally posted about my friend having a one night stand.
@ClocksGoingBackwards has summed up the fall out perfectly, this is exactly how they felt and still do feel despite now being in their 30’s.

Totally agree. If she is remorseful and was low and it was a mistake and she wants to stay in her marriage then telling her DH is only going to cause him pain. Better she live with the guilt than he live with the betrayal.

You could advise her to seek professional emotional support through counselling to explore her grief and discharge her guilt in a safe non judgmental space.

This would clarify her own experience and expectations. She has no control of what happens next if she tells him - unless she wants to potentially trigger the end of her marriage? If she does she might choose to do it in a different way to minimise hurt to all.

I am wondering about her true motivation for telling him. There could be more to it than the guilt. She could be wanting out of the relationship, but is struggling to end it. By telling him the truth, she could be subconsciously hoping that he does it for her.

This.

She did it, she has to live with it. Telling him would be selfish.

I quoted you because you were also responding to the post from @Fairyliz!

😐

Is the bigger issue not that her DH was unsupportive when her DM died? I mean, the loss of a mother is one of the biggest life events there can be, and he wasn't there for her. I'm not excusing her behaviour by any means, but it sounds like she might have been seeking comfort elsewhere. If she can't get the support she needs from her existing marriage... she needs to either fix it or end it.

With two children, I'd be suggesting the fix it route. Rather than tell him about the kiss, I think she should be telling him how upset she felt at the lack of support and consider marriage counselling.

I don't think ignoring the kiss is an option. It's a symptom that something is broken. If she doesn't attempt to fix the cause, who's to say she won't stray again?

Is the bigger issue not that her DH was unsupportive when her DM died?

Why would it be? ‘Being supportive’ is subjective anyway. Someone can genuinely feel that they are being as supportive as they know how to be and still leave the other person genuinely feeling unsupported. It doesn’t automatically mean that someone is doing something wrong.

In a marriage ceremony, we don’t promise to be supportive in a way that means the other partner definitely feels supported when their parents die, but we do promise not to shag (or kiss) other people.

I hadn’t even read that posters post

i was responding to you

I made the mistake of saying one night stand which I know see that poster referred to

@ClocksGoingBackwards

have you been cheated on in the past?

Husband is probably a twat anyway by the sounds of it

The only reason to tell him is to make her feel better for confessing. It would be very selfish of her.

i’ve hear it all now 😂😂😂😂😂

I hope you feel the same way when your husband is cheating on you.

lol

If you hadn’t read that post, then whose teenagers were you asking about when you questioned wether their perspective had changed when they became adults?

No I haven’t, nor is it something I would ever do.

I wonder if telling him is less about assuaging her guilt, and more about forcing her DH to understand just how let down she felt that he wasn't more supportive when she needed him. Is it that issue that she's really struggling with?

My partner has an ex girlfriend who he confessed to that he had kissed another women, there as no sex, just a kiss.
She never believed him and six months later she had an affair with someone else and they split.
It was definitely the main n factor as she had lost her trust in him.

Ah yes, the ol’ ‘lying to keep control’

so what if it blows up for telling him, maybe it should, it could force them to work on any problems, and if not then oh well , he should be able to decide for himself if what she did is something he can forgive or be okay with. Maybe he can forgive her, maybe he’ll understand because of the lack of support he gave her and how she was in a bad place and needed comfort, maybe he’ll understand but still be angry, maybe he’ll need time to think, maybe he’ll end it, maybe he’ll end it now where as if he was told earlier he wouldn’t have because it’s been a year that he’s been lied to, maybe maybe maybe, but he should have the chance be able make an informed decision and discuss it with it with her

That.

She did something she shouldn't have. It was a one off, so she had to live with it.
That's absolutely no benefit to her partner to know about this one kiss. Only hurt and the potential break up of his family.

...And yes, suggest counselling so that she can confess all to someone else and find a way to move forward, in a safe place.

I'd have given the same advice as you did. ..provided it was only a kiss and your friend has no intention of a repeat. Her DH could blow this completely out of proportion. However it is up to her and I would tell her I'll support her whether she tells him or not.

It doesn't automatically mean that someone is doing something wrong, but it means that what they're doing isn't working for the other person. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, where you adapt your style to suit the other person. The fact remains, the wife did not feel supported during one of the unhappiest times of her life, and that will have contributed to her poor decisions (seeking affection from another man).

Yes, there is never an excuse for cheating, but there is often a reason for cheating, and whether or not the cheating is disclosed, the underlying reason has to be tackled if there is any hope of salvaging the relationship. You can't just be sorry and forget about it. Something made you break your vows. You have to tackle the something.

Any sexual contact should always be disclosed out of damn respect as there's a health issue there - if your partner has had any kind of sexual activity with another person, you have the right to know so you can get yourself checked out. A kiss isn't anywhere near as dangerous as unprotected sex.

In this case, I think the wife has to be clear on her motivations for confessing to her husband, and she also has to take action to address why she strayed in the first place. There's always a reason.