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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend pays for only fans

62 replies

maskedmother · 31/07/2022 10:10

Just curious of other peoples opinion, would you be bothered or consider it cheating if your partner has an only fans subscription? Recently discovered my boyfriend pays for it for this particular woman. We have a son together and I'm now pregnant with our second. I feel betrayed by this, but I don't know if I'm over reacting/hormonal etc. Is it a big deal? I know he watches porn but this seems more personal.

OP posts:

pushions · 31/07/2022 10:56

I personally hate the normalisation of all of this.

sleepyhoglet · 31/07/2022 11:00

If you are asking the question then you are uncomfortable with it. It might be fine for some, completely wrong for others. It's not OK for me, but as I said, it doesn't matter too much what we think.

PinkiOcelot · 31/07/2022 11:02

He would certainly be an ex if he was my boyfriend. Not only is it cheating, it is totally disrespectful to you, the mother of his child!

Sierra1961 · 31/07/2022 11:06

Yeah that’s not on at all, I’d be devastated. Don’t let people make out it’s not that big of a deal. It is. He’s literally finding whoever he’s supporting on there so he can look at her naked photos and content etc and she’s just a regular person like you and me. So yeah… I’d consider it cheating.

Sierra1961 · 31/07/2022 11:07

Funding*

LindaEllen · 31/07/2022 11:34

I can deal with porn because it's very passive and you're not interacting with the person.

OnlyFans is different - or at least it can be. Need to know what he is actually paying for.

PotteringPondering · 31/07/2022 11:40

He has definitely passed a threshold. He's intentionally set up a subscription and pays a regular sum of money to watch another woman naked, and immerse himself in the sex fantasies on her page.

At the same time as he's in a committed long-term relationship, with one child and another child on the way.

Definitely not OK.

You're right to feel betrayed, and I think you should draw a clear line in the sand on this one.

Itiswasitis90 · 31/07/2022 11:43

I would consider it cheating because he's paying for content. Its not far off paying for an AW.

LooseGoose22 · 31/07/2022 11:43

I tolerate moderate porn use in a partner and use it myself.

This is crossing a line into something else and I would not be ok with it.

Also from a purely money angle, there are a billion free images and videos online ... what fkg need is there to be, spending family money with two kids to support, on this.

Mangogogogo · 31/07/2022 11:43

I’m quite easy going but even I would find that too much. If anything I’d feel he was quite icky.

i would hand on heart leave

FabFitFifties · 31/07/2022 11:44

He will definately not think he is cheating. I'm not sure I do either, unless he is messaging rather than just watching. However, cheating or not, I find it appalling, and it would end my relationship.

OlympicProcrastinator · 31/07/2022 11:46

Absolutely cheating and I’d end my marriage over it.

LooseGoose22 · 31/07/2022 11:46

Presumably because it's personal and interactive.

I'd like to see the men who.do this reaction if their partner's were doing it with gym bunnies/fitness models/love island contestants etc. I'm sure they'd they'd all chilled and happy with it - not.

Draughtycatflapreturns · 31/07/2022 11:48

Okay, I may have to take down my Only Fans page. I wondered why I kept getting asked to get my tits out.

Ohahjustalittlebit · 31/07/2022 11:50

It is so disrespectful. I would not be able to continue on with him.

YouDoYouHun · 31/07/2022 11:51

SwanBuster · 31/07/2022 10:19

Is it someone moderately famous like Mandy from hollyoaks, or a random person?

I know that sounds ridiculous, but as a bloke, this was the first thing that entered my head.

if it’s the former, it’s an 🙄 situation - not a good thing but it’s an outlandish fantasy, and it’s something to say you’re uncomfortable with and let him decide what he’s going to do.

The latter (a random person) however feels far worse - it’s not what I would expect from someone in a serious relationship.

I take this view too. I wouldn't class it as cheating as such (on the basis there are no messages and its purely to view), but who it is would massively impact how I viewed it and the type of interaction. It also depends on the type of content; A lot of people on only fans don't post explicit content and it's more 'sexy' (no videos, underwear as opposed to full nudity or performing specific acts). I would be uncomfortable with the fact that he is paying too.

bluedomino · 31/07/2022 11:52

Where next though? What happens when the titillation from just looking at her content is no longer hitting the spot? If you decide you are OK with him paying other women to expose themselves to him (something they wouldn't do unless he paid), will you be ok when he then moves onto meeting up with them? Or joins a local swingers club and invites you along so he can get in. I read something so wise once, that I seem to repeat it a lot on here its:

"What you allow will continue and what continues will escalate."

You have to decide where you draw the line and what is acceptable to you.
If you have a daughter with he encourage her to pursue this career path.

Honestly, I think you will be better off without him. Even if he says he's stopped, he will just continue in secret. The money he's wasting on random women could be saved for his children's future. And for me the real kicker is you will always be comparing your real live body, which has carried to children, to his fantasy woman with her posing, lighting and acting. It's going to ruin you and turn you into a paranoid wreck, constantly wondering what he's up to. A relationship should be loving and supportive, make your life easier, not ruin your self esteem and confidence. Look after yourself and your babies, you are not HIS mum.

Eixample · 31/07/2022 11:56

He thinks it’s not ok and that you wouldn’t like it, otherwise he wouldn’t be hiding it. But he’s doing it anyway. Plus you could be using that money for your family.

Onlyrainbows · 31/07/2022 11:57

Most people will, you're the only one who can answer this. I don't consider cheating btw, but I know I'm a very small minority

RealBecca · 31/07/2022 12:00

I dont think it matters whether it is labelled as cheating.

For me, I would be so unattracted to a DH using only fans i couldn't look at him the same way and it would be a death knell to the relationship.

I think all you can do is work out how you feel about it and tell him you understand he uses it, that it's a deal breaker for you (if it is) because of X reason and if wants to carry on then it's not the right relationship for you and your values dont align. But you would have to actually follow through with any action you say you'll take if he wants to carry on using it. It's the difference between setting a boundary- I dont like only fans or want a relationship with someone who uses it- and making sure you arent always looking over your shoulder and acting as the porn police.

To some degree a lot of women turn a blind eye to porn so it's up to you where your line is. It's not about cheating/not cheating.

WahWahWahs · 31/07/2022 12:01

It’s cheating, like using a prostitute or paying for a ‘private dance’ is cheating.

As you’re pregnant and have your hands full at the moment, I will leave all the misogyny and exploitation of it all for another time.

Cheating. Get rid.

DramaticSunflower · 31/07/2022 12:02

I’d consider it a waste of money more than anything else. Why pay for something that other women will do for free?

Sandysandwich · 31/07/2022 12:05

I wouldn't think of it as cheating,
I would think of him as pathetic though

Thehop · 31/07/2022 12:07

Tell him you’re thinking of setting your own page up for people with pregnancy bump fetishes.

then enjoy watching the filthy cheating bastards double standards make his face do funny things.

in short? No. I’d leave over this.

Cantbeliveyoufakeit · 31/07/2022 12:09

It's disloyal and deceitful (because it's furtive, not done openly) whether it's 'technically' cheating or not and is obviously over the line for you OP or you wouldn't be posting. But if you're anything like me that won't be the primary reason this hurts you so much, it's the fact that he isn't who you thought he was. None of us would choose to be with a man who views women as something they can buy and now you have to come to terms with the fact that that's exactly who he is. And once you see that it's pretty much over, it's very hard to retain any respect or love for someone who views women that way.

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