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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know this is taboo but I fucking hate the CD baby stage

89 replies

LadyHalesBroach · 30/07/2022 21:04

I’ll preface this by saying I love my 5 year old and 7 month old beyond words. They are my world. And babies are undeniably cute. The little fat rolls. The outfits. Their little habits. I get it. And maybe I’m feeling this way because we don’t have any family aroind/alive to help, etc etc.

But fuck me do I hate this phase.

The begging them to go to sleep.

The shhing, the willing them to please just nap.

The teething.

The feeds. The mess. The throwing of food or purée or whatever at me, the floor, the dog.

The incessant cleaning. Food, clean, food, clean.

The night feeds. The debilitating exhaustion.

The bottle refusal.

The way my boobs look after breastfeeding two. I feel like I have udders. They are huge, swollen, bulbous lumps of meat that get clawed at a dozen times a day. I have no dignity now, they’re just out all the time.

My body isn’t mine. I don’t recognise it. The weight gain, the lack of energy to do exercise or eat a decent healthy meal because that’s more time and effort and energy than I have.

The guilt that I went back to work so soon. For being freelance and not taking leave, but actually wanting to go back because it was something that was mine.

That no matter the most liberal and modern of fathers, it will always fall on the mother to do the heavy lifting. Emotionally, physically, financially the mother takes the burden.

I feel better for getting that off my chest but I could never admit this in RL. I am incredibly lucky to have two healthy children and I don’t want to wish this phase away, but oh my god I want some sort of life.

OP posts:
Nichebitch · 31/07/2022 01:21

Yep. Couldn’t make myself having a second one

EtnaVesuvius · 31/07/2022 11:28

This is an unpopular opinion but I think society and a lot of the current thinking has made early motherhood shit for many mums - so much so that many on this thread are saying they’d never have another.

In the 1950s and up to when I was a baby in the 1980s there wasn’t so much pressure on mums to be surgically attached to their babies at all times. Some breastfed, some didn’t, but most babies had a strict routine of naps and feeds and weren’t rushed to if they cried. Babies were generally expected to sleep through the night at 12 weeks, go onto solids at 4 months and be potty trained by 2.

I’m not saying this was perfect - there is lots we’ve learned since then about safe sleeping and nutrition etc, BUT I have to say I’ve noticed the difference between what was expected of motherhood then and what many mums experience now.

These days the expectation is that you have to feed your baby whenever they cry, co-sleep or at least have them in your room until they’re several months old, not give them anything other than breast milk until they’re 6 months old, ‘go with your baby’ in terms of naps etc., not follow a routine, not leave them to cry for any period of time…

I think it’s ruining parenthood for many and leaving mums physically and emotionally exhausted.

I for one know that following a strict routine with my babies in terms of their sleep and feeding (two were breastfed, one bottle fed) helped me avoid this total burnout. Was it the best thing for my babies? In terms of all the so-called psychological attachment theories etc I have no idea, but I know the answer is 100% YES - because their mum wasn’t a total wreck. I was also able to actually enjoy them.

This is absolutely not a criticism of any mum on this thread - it’s a criticism of the way motherhood is now viewed and what’s expected of us. I wish we could understand that it’s ok to bottle feed, it’s ok to let your baby cry occasionally, most babies are capable of sleeping through the night by 12 weeks if they have the right routine etc.

Sorry, this has become so long, but I get so sad seeing mums running themselves into the ground trying to follow these ridiculous ideals, when it doesn’t have to be shit.

Mangogogogo · 31/07/2022 11:49

I was like this, I think everyone is a little whne you have more than one! I had 3 under 6 at one point so that was fun..

anywya im just here to say mine are two in high school and one in junior primary and it’s absolutely flown by and I can barely remember the baby stage, although equally it feels like yesterday! You will blink and look back like wowwww and wonder how you did it! I don’t know if that’s any consolation but it does get better and it does get better very fast!

Mamette · 31/07/2022 11:50

NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 30/07/2022 22:58

I reckon this is how the phrase 'it takes a village' came about.
People love different ages best- some love the baby (DH) I loved the toddler/early child bit and some love the teenage bit (not me but have friends who find it a breeze.
We weren't meant to do it alone/in a couple. I think that's why it feels so relentless.

I agree, and I also think that the idea of having your peers as some sort of support (NCT, other baby group mums etc) is sometimes really problematic because you end up comparing yourself negatively to others. And there’s a constant competitive thing going on.

It should be a system of older “been there done that” women and maybe younger “haven’t been there yet so still enthusiastic about other people’s babies” women, giving support. I think that would be the more natural way.

Personally I had no one at all with my younger two and boy was I bitter about it.

Butterlover1 · 31/07/2022 11:51

100% agree and many of the close people I've confided my similar feelings with have agreed too!

waterlego · 31/07/2022 11:54

YANBU.

I hate to say it but mine are mid-late teens now, and although I much prefer parenting this age, I sometimes miss the baby and toddler days. Hated a lot of it at the time though!

Despite my nostalgia, I am determined never to say to mums of babies/toddlers: ‘oooh, the years go by so fast- make the most of it!’

Numbat2022 · 31/07/2022 12:05

YANBU, but that's why I only had one. Nothing would induce me to have another baby. I'm an only child and have no concerns about providing my child with a sibling, I'm absolutely fine without and I'm sure he will be too.

Jobconfused · 31/07/2022 12:41

Absolutely hated the baby phase. That’s why I had them close to get it out of the way as fast as I could. It gets better

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/07/2022 12:51

Really don’t see how anyone could think YABU

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/07/2022 13:02

I’d be revisiting bottle feeding again I think

Treetops292 · 31/07/2022 13:18

YADNBU your days sound like mine.

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/07/2022 13:35

Why do we do it to ourselves?? Really? Why?!

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 31/07/2022 14:03

Even more taboo is admitting how utterly soul destroying it is when that baby is now a 17 yr old strapping DS who in between writing on here, I am currently spoon feeding pureed lunch, after which I will change his nappy.

I am not writing this to be goady or make it a race to the bottom, but as so many have said on here, it will get better.

For you.

alphons · 31/07/2022 14:52

I heard you, Kermit. I can’t imagine how bleak the present and future must feel to you. I don’t think any parent who isn’t living your life, can. It’s what we all fear. I hope there are rays of light in your life, nonetheless, somewhere.

waterlego · 31/07/2022 15:02

@KermitlovesKeyLimePie I cannot imagine how hard that is. Life must feel very cruel.

AmbushedByCake · 31/07/2022 15:02

EtnaVesuvius · 31/07/2022 11:28

This is an unpopular opinion but I think society and a lot of the current thinking has made early motherhood shit for many mums - so much so that many on this thread are saying they’d never have another.

In the 1950s and up to when I was a baby in the 1980s there wasn’t so much pressure on mums to be surgically attached to their babies at all times. Some breastfed, some didn’t, but most babies had a strict routine of naps and feeds and weren’t rushed to if they cried. Babies were generally expected to sleep through the night at 12 weeks, go onto solids at 4 months and be potty trained by 2.

I’m not saying this was perfect - there is lots we’ve learned since then about safe sleeping and nutrition etc, BUT I have to say I’ve noticed the difference between what was expected of motherhood then and what many mums experience now.

These days the expectation is that you have to feed your baby whenever they cry, co-sleep or at least have them in your room until they’re several months old, not give them anything other than breast milk until they’re 6 months old, ‘go with your baby’ in terms of naps etc., not follow a routine, not leave them to cry for any period of time…

I think it’s ruining parenthood for many and leaving mums physically and emotionally exhausted.

I for one know that following a strict routine with my babies in terms of their sleep and feeding (two were breastfed, one bottle fed) helped me avoid this total burnout. Was it the best thing for my babies? In terms of all the so-called psychological attachment theories etc I have no idea, but I know the answer is 100% YES - because their mum wasn’t a total wreck. I was also able to actually enjoy them.

This is absolutely not a criticism of any mum on this thread - it’s a criticism of the way motherhood is now viewed and what’s expected of us. I wish we could understand that it’s ok to bottle feed, it’s ok to let your baby cry occasionally, most babies are capable of sleeping through the night by 12 weeks if they have the right routine etc.

Sorry, this has become so long, but I get so sad seeing mums running themselves into the ground trying to follow these ridiculous ideals, when it doesn’t have to be shit.

Nah, I don't buy that. My DM was an 80s mum, bottles and cry it out etc, and she loathed the baby stage as much as anyone else on this thread. The actual problem is a combination of being expected to have a baby but achieve as if you don't - housework, body, sex, social life etc - plus (generally) the menfolk skipping off barely affected, plus the fact that mothering isn't valued in our society so we're painfully achingly lonely, and made to feel like shit if we aren't rolling I rose petals with joy.

Early motherhood would be a fuckton easier with a really good support and social network, the easing of expectations, and appreciation of what mothers actually do.

I was knackered when my baby was tiny and yes I did breastfeeding and cosleeping and slings, but none of that was the hard part. The hard parts were trying to act as if I didn't have a baby even though I did, and having nobody around me. When I was able to stay with family I still breastfed and got woken up a million times but someone else made my dinner and I had people to chat to, and it was so so much nicer.

tonystarksrighthand · 31/07/2022 15:10

YANBU there is a reason I only had one

Marvellousmadness · 31/07/2022 15:12

I haaaaaaated the baby stage.
I still had 2 babies though because i didnt want" an only"
But boy it sucked the life out of me. And the joy. I h a t e d it.

Aleeza91 · 31/07/2022 16:26

Marvellousmadness · 31/07/2022 15:12

I haaaaaaated the baby stage.
I still had 2 babies though because i didnt want" an only"
But boy it sucked the life out of me. And the joy. I h a t e d it.

I have a 4 year old and a 14 month old. Honestly feel so joyless.

Parks a expedition because they both want different things and run off in different directions.
Ds doesn't let dd do her paintings because he's marching around wanting everything
Struggling to wean ds off the breast

Days out are a boring experience because it's just relentless

fishonabicycle · 31/07/2022 16:29

Babies are fucking awful! Smelly, dribbly, pukey, and no fun.

Ffsmakeitstop · 31/07/2022 16:51

Reading these make me feel a bit sad. I think I was very lucky as I had 3 under 3 and yes it was hard work but definitely not soul destroying.
As teens 2 were brilliant and let's just be say ds1 wasn't he has mh issues although he lives alone but I do all of his admin, appts, washing etc and it worries me what will happen when I'm gone.
But I still think yanbu.

Original poster
LadyHalesBroach · 31/07/2022 17:10

I’m sorry @KermitlovesKeyLimePie , you do win the race to the bottom. I’m really sorry for your situation, and it’s given me a shake. I hope you’re getting some support that you deserve.

OP posts:
Crabbyboot · 31/07/2022 17:18

I agree it is rubbish and it is taboo in some circles. I was absolutely shocked when I had my daughter, and I felt like there must be a conspiracy to not tell child free people how shit it is!

Charlavail · 31/07/2022 17:39

I love babies. For me maternity leave is a slice of bliss away from the real world. I never thought I would get on with breastfeeding (I didn't with DD) so I appreciate that I am able to and feel grateful. My children have both slept from a few weeks old so I can't say much about the lack of sleep but imagine I that getting sleep helps a lot.
I find DD who is 5 so much harder than a baby. Though she is easier again nownwr did have a really tricky patch. She can be a real madam for me and I've called my mum in tears about her. I worked full time when she was a baby so really appreciated my time with her then.

Ibizamumof4 · 01/08/2022 20:30

Think everyone has phases they don’t enjoy so don’t beat yourself up. But honestly have a plan to stop BF don’t put yourself through it if you still hate it after 7 months! But sorry mess continues in fact found the messiest phase by far is teenagers, it’s worse in a way as you have an expectation they might actually help - they don’t and they ain’t cute 😂

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