If you had a lockdown baby/mat leave…

[Wouldloveanother]

Can I ask how you feel about it now? Looking back? Do you feel resentful?

My last maternity leave was a shit show, mostly due to covid lockdowns and the fact I lived in a gardenless flat. Just got my BFP for DC2 and so hoping that (all being well) it will be different this time. But it makes me feel sad that I didn’t get that lovely year with my amazing DD that I desperately wanted 😔I don’t mean that to sound ungrateful, and I don’t dwell on it too much, I guess thinking to next time is bringing up old memories.

While I empathise with mums who went through mat leave in lockdown, the entitlement shown afterwards - petitions for extra leave etc - really annoyed me. There are thousands of woman, during lockdown or not, who cannot experience a ‘normal’ mat leave due to child disabilities, NICU stays, multiple births … the list goes on. Never saw anyone campaigning for them.

DD was born pre COVID, awful mat leave, yes I did all the activities but I really struggled, dh was out working 10 hours a day, had no family support, spent most of the time googling what I had managed to mess up that day, in hindsight probably had pnd. DS born just before COVID, went to one baby group before lockdown but mat leave was so much better as had dh around, felt far more in control, less lonely. Instead of baby clubs I took DS to Tesco or the woods!

No, it was brilliant. My husband was home with me to support throughout pregnancy and for the first year of my daughters life. So I had loads of help and they've got a close bond. Not everything was restricted or closed all of the time so we managed to make a few friends. It was a shame I couldn't go swimming with my little one but making up for it now. It was those who had toddlers who were trapped in the house and missing much needed social development snd interaction that I felt bad for.

I do about some things yeah. My family are in a different country so they finally properly spent time with my son this summer. He's 2 now. He was born summer 2020. I feel a bit bitter about it, especially as we had fertility issues and we're trying 4 years. I didn't have a network of mums thus no support. I had a colicky baby and it felt like me and DH were alone with no idea what to do. My family missed out on DS as baby. There's some other stuff too.
I'm also pregnant again and hoping we can experience what we missed out on the first time round. I never thought we'd get pregnant again so I'm just grateful we are and hoping this time, my family can get to know next baby as a baby and I can meet other mums this time instead of being totally isolated.

I agree with this to an extent and basically eye rolled at the many people who sent me petitions to sign relating to extra leave, however there has just been a successful campaign to introduce additional leave for parents when babies in NICU, expected to become law in April 23

Had my son in early 2021 so spent pretty much my entire pregnancy and gave birth in lockdown(in Ireland). I feel a bit robbed of the excitement of buying things in a shop such as the pram, clothing for him etc, we had to buy every single thing online. I suppose if I have another child I have all of the stuff already so won't get to do it then either!
Overall I found it fine but then again I have nothing to compare it to. I loved having him all to ourselves and no visitors though, that was wonderful.

@Whatelsecouldibecalled I'm a few weeks further on than you and really think late pregnancy does bring back a lot of the flashbacks I thought I'd got over. I've requested to give birth in a different place as was worried about it being triggering walking in to the same entrance, thankfully we have a ward and a birth centre so there should be a choice. I really underestimated how much of an impact it had on me mentally walking in to what felt like a horror film alone when already incredibly vulnerable and in a lot of pain. Having that conversation with the midwife really helped as she was so understanding.

I had a baby in mid 2020. I feel resentful that I had to go through much of my labour alone, want allowed any visitors, even my
own children. I didn’t get any help from anyone during those first 6 months, no one visited, no baby groups. Meanwhile the government were all busy partying and snogging each other…

Going against the grain here - I have good memories of lockdown.

I was lucky in that DS2 arrived at the end of 2019, so a couple of months before the March 2020 lockdown, all my GP / health visitor appointments were face to face. I had also had a lovely mat leave with DS1 a few years previously. I didn’t attend any baby groups (don’t really enjoy them so didn’t miss them second time round) and Mat leave was pretty short anyway (5 months) but I had a strong existing support network and lots of friends who had babies at the same time.

I have fond memories of my lockdown mat leave because the weather was great, my husband was around lots and our first son, who was 2, was great at napping. I was also breastfeeding and I found it stressful and difficult to breastfeed in public so I preferred just puttering around the house, staying close to home and going to the local park (not playground) once a day, as well as a cheeky (and illegal) afternoon run when my husband would look after the kids. I look back on that time with fondness, when it was just us as a little family living in a bubble.

I appreciate I was really lucky to have my husband around a lot, this was my second baby and we also have a tiny garden which made a huge difference as we were able to get a paddling pool etc. I know it must have been really very difficult for first time mums or those with older kids trying to home school.

It scarred me for life and l am not exaggerating. I was in a first floor gardenless studio flat with a baby who had colic and wouldnt sleep during the day.

It's taken me 18 months to come out the other side of severe PND

To be honest, I have very mixed feelings! I was 6 weeks pregnant when the first lockdown hit and DS was born in Nov 2020, so my whole pregnancy and then Mat leave was experienced with some kind of COVID aspect.

There are only three bits that I ‘resent’ (and I wouldn’t say that’s the right word for it). Firstly, the fact that I didn’t get to make any new mum friends, as a first time parent, it felt quite isolating at times. Secondly, my husband could not attend any of the scans and this made me sad as I know he was hoping for a boy as his father passed away when he was very young. I had to find this out on my own and relay the information to him which is not how I envisaged it happening. It also made me nervous each time I attended a scan in case it was bad news and I was there on my own. Luckily, all my scans were good but it makes me feel horrendous to think of those women who experienced loss and trauma on their own…especially (and this brings me on to the third bit of resentment) when our “leaders” were not following the rules themselves. Partygate certainly brought a lot of feelings to the surface that I didn’t realise I had…like my mum having to meet her first grandchild in the pouring rain in a park between our homes in the middle of winter and then by the time proper contact could happen, she was on chemo everyday and couldn’t experience it the way I know she hoped! Looking back, I followed the rules to the letter and my son ended up being a bit poorly due to this (no visits or help available -luckily was easily sorted but also easily preventable in non lockdown times) and although I know I would follow the rules if it happened again, I kind of wish I hadn’t, which again has only surfaced in me since finding out what what going on at Downing Street.

On the flip side though, there were some really nice elements. Both me and my DH worked from home for most of the week, meaning we got to share lots of pregnancy moments and later baby’s first moments together that ordinarily we wouldn’t have. I also found working from home much easier in terms of physicality compared to my current second pregnancy which has been
back at work and has been truly knackering! We also couldn’t have random guests just dropping in during those first few tricky weeks of baby which I am not looking forward to this time!!!

My maternity leaves were well before covid and I was incredibly bored and lonely nonetheless.

No NCT group as they were prem and I missed it. No apps to meet other mums. None of my existing friends had babies the same time. I went to some baby activities but everyone already had their groups. Baby wouldn’t sleep so meet ups were tricky anyway.

DH out the house 12-14 hours a day.

Actually a lockdown mat leave would have been so much better as DH would have been wfh.

So yes, I feel a bit sorry for those who had lockdown mat leaves but please don’t assume everyone who had non covid era babies had an awesome time.

Its a mix. somethings I am resentful about, other things were better.

The things I wished I could change were:

1. I was as a FTM, and not having local friends, so that was isolating, and I hoped that I would be able to make new mum friends, but I didn't get the opportunity. There is an absolutely lovely stay-n-play group that runs once a week at the end of my street. It resumed 4 weeks after I went back to work!
2. As above but for parent and toddler swim sessions in the local pool, only started again a few months after I went to work!
3. Healthcare switching off. No weigh-ins. Ds's 1 year HV check was over zoom. I could have been beating him black and blue for all they could tell via a laptop screen.
4. Being alone for 4-days being induced. Then another 5 day stay in hospital with DH only allowed to visit for 30 mins each day. worst time of my life hands down.
5. Jan / Feb 2021 - the horrible, depressing bleakness of winter, and having to meet-out doors in the sodding park, to get some human company that is old enough to speak to you, when all you want to do is go sit in the warm in a nice coffee shop somewhere or someones house for a cuppa.
6. DH working from home for my entire mat leave. Meant he got to see DS every day, and I could walk upstairs and throw DS at him come 6pm each day. He could take him quickly so I could go to the loo in the early days.
7. Not being expected to try and figure out a social life as well as figuring out a baby, or needing to travel the country to visit friends and relatives.
8. Gave us an excuse to stay in a nice AirBnb when we went to visit MiL, so much less stressful than being under their roof, but we can't usual justify the cost.
9. Saving money once on Stat Mat pay. Nowhere to go, nothing to spend it on.

oh and I hated being unbelievably stressed that DH would catch-covid before I gave birth and I might have to give birth alone. I resent having to add that to the list of things to worry about in the run-up to giving birth.

I agree with this to a certain extent. It was the campaigns about allowing partners in that incensed me. As I said above, my dad died during my lockdown maternity leave - he was diagnosed with cancer the week dd2 was born and died six months later. We also lost my DH's uncle to cancer. Neither family were allowed in to visit when they were inpatients until the very end, both attended important outpatient appointments or treatments alone. By all means campaign for more support for patients, but campaign for all patients, not just maternity. And accept that increasing the number of visitors will increase the risk. I thought the campaigns were tone deaf. Why on earth women of childbearing age were deemed more worthy of support by some than 80 year olds with dementia or terminal cancer patients is beyond me.

I've come to a few conclusions.

1. The lockdowns and other restrictions were shit.
2. The lockdowns and other restrictions were necessary.
3. Everyone suffered.
4. It's not a competition.
5. We'll all carry the scars for a while, and many for life.

@JenniferBarkley I think it's more that a woman giving birth isn't sick, visiting someone with cancer I'd have been scared in case I'd passed covid on.

I'm not saying no visitors should have been allowed for either, but I think it's hard to compare giving birth to a life debilitating illness.

I'm really sorry to hear about your dad. That must have been horrible for you xx

I had DC2 during lockdown 3.0 and my maternity leave fell into the end of that and over the summer when everything was starting to open up again. I feel sorry for DC2 in a way because it was difficult to take him to baby groups when restrictions were in force. DC1 was 18 months old when the first lockdown came in so she spent a good while away from other children and family members, which was unfortunate.

If I'm resentful of any part of it I think it would be the hospital restrictions while I was pregnant with DC2. DH couldn't come to any appointments except one (the one where we found out the baby's sex). He didn't get to hear the heartbeat. I didn't have any support the times I had to go in for reduced movements. We got lucky the day DC2 was born - I had a ELCS and I'd been told DH could only come in when it was time to go into theatre, but the nurses were kind and let him stay with me in the waiting room. As it happened we ended up waiting most of the day but DH did manage to stay quite a while after DC2 was born. DH had to pick us up at the hospital entrance the next day though and it felt a bit like a taxi service. That wasn't the nicest but I know why they had to do it. DH not being allowed to go to appointments and scans did affect the way he bonded with DC2 initially, which wasn't great. He didn't feel as connected to that pregnancy as he did with our first DC.

@JenniferBarkley there is lots of research to show that outcomes for mums and babies is better if mum does not labour and/or birth solo. I understood that to be a big part of the arguments for allowing partners to be there.

I have complex mental health needs (classed as high functioning so probably didn't look like it from the outside) and was under the perinatal team before, during and after having my baby. Going in for reduced movements alone, trying to care for a newborn post c section on my own, trying to argue for discharge on my own, it was pretty awful. The whole women and babies thing is so niche that I don't think it would have been possible to argue for the improvements in maternity, and for end of life care, and other areas under the same umbrella. I don't think that means either area was more or less worthy.

I do agree with all your conclusions, and I'm sorry to hear how shit things have been for you too. My DB died suddenly when DD was six months old in the middle of a covid lockdown. It took months to have his funeral. Those looking after him didn't care or treat him properly after his death, they missed opportunities for testing that could have helped identify genetic issues or risks for living family members. Another area completely overlooked. As my brother was a young man but who died with a paramedic present ie. Not suspicious, it felt like no one cared about finding out what happened to him. I'm about to start that fight now, with complaints to coroners and so on. If people like me don't try and fight for change, it's likely this will happen to more and more families.