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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my friend unreasonable or is it me?

81 replies

Provenceinthesummer · 29/07/2022 18:44

Friend of 10 years, dds are friends for the same amount of time and we usually meet up every school holiday now dds are in secondary. I have 3 dc and she has 1 if that’s relevant.

Last week we were considering going to a local fair together but it was raining so we changed to the weekend. Friend suggested meeting for a walk and icecream on Saturday but said she had stuff to do first she would txt time to meet, she then didn’t contact me at all. Which is so unlike her.

I then get a second msg the following day with no apology or word about the first meet up no show suggesting to take the dds out for dinner on Monday. I thought about mentioning the weekend plans to her and asking her what happened, but I decided to chalk it up to forgetfulness.
On the day of the dinner dd is all ready to go and at 5pm I message friend to ask what time we are meeting and she replies to say her dd is now doing a ‘quick’ tennis lesson at 6.30pm! I am speechless at this point. The dds are 11 and starving. I start cooking dinner for dd as clearly the dinner is off! Friend rang at 7.38pm, she didn’t leave a message, it was obviously too late to go out at that point. Friend has not texted since. No apology just silence.

What do you make of this? She is not super busy, she has one child and doesn’t work and she is usually very organised.

Am I being unreasonable here? I am not impressed because dd was let down and she had turned down another invite. I have no idea what to say to friend or where we go from here. Any advice welcome!

OP posts:
JustLyra · 29/07/2022 18:47

she is usually very organised.

If a friend is behaving very out of character then I’d be concerned that there was something going on or something wrong.

I’d message and ask if everything was ok given her out-of-character behaviour.

Nanny0gg · 29/07/2022 19:08

Is there a chance that you're arranging all this but her DD doesn't want to go and is kicking off last minute?

gettingolderandgrumpy · 29/07/2022 19:08

Well I’d say something at the time . Hey friend why suggest making plans then doing something else ? .

Tellmewhyaintnothinbutaheartbreak · 29/07/2022 19:15

Perhaps she thinks 8pm is a reasonable time to have dinner?

Festoonlights · 29/07/2022 19:22

She instigated both meet ups

redskyatnight · 29/07/2022 19:23

Are the girls still close friends at secondary or have they moved into different friendship groups? Plans made with another mum and family tend not to be so much a thing as the DC get older. Perhaps worth just meeting the other woman without your DC in tow?

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 29/07/2022 19:23

Hmmm.
I'd leave her be and not contact her.

If she contacts you then just say that she bailed on two dates and that you find it difficult to be left standing.

Just tell her.

NuffSaidSam · 29/07/2022 19:26

Give her a call and say 'Hey, is everything ok? What happened to the weekend/our dinner plans?'

Maggit · 29/07/2022 19:31

I'd worry about her wellbeing, seeing that this is out of character.

Festoonlights · 29/07/2022 19:33

Her dd hasn’t made friends at new school. One of the reasons why we see so much of them.
it feels like game playing. I can’t make everything. She suggests usually as I am juggling multiple dc, and sometimes struggle to see them so much,. why bk a tennis lesson?

Festoonlights · 29/07/2022 19:34

If she had problems she could just tell me. She seems to be managing everything else.

TreacheryPepper · 29/07/2022 19:35

Name change fail?

Provenceinthesummer · 29/07/2022 19:40

Yes!

OP posts:
Festoonlights · 29/07/2022 19:40

I just don’t think it is mental health etc

DoingJustFine · 29/07/2022 19:42

Friend rang at 7.38pm, she didn’t leave a message, it was obviously too late to go out at that point. Friend has not texted since.

Why didn't you answer the phone?

NuffSaidSam · 29/07/2022 19:44

Festoonlights · 29/07/2022 19:40

I just don’t think it is mental health etc

Well, this is why it's a bit of a pointless question.

You've known her for ten years, none of us have ever met her. Who's going to have a better idea of what's going on?!

Vikinga · 29/07/2022 19:45

I'm guessing her daughter has outgrown your daughter? It happened with my kids around that age.

Festoonlights · 29/07/2022 19:50

DoingJustFine · 29/07/2022 19:42

Friend rang at 7.38pm, she didn’t leave a message, it was obviously too late to go out at that point. Friend has not texted since.

Why didn't you answer the phone?

I didn’t pick up because I was angry.

Festoonlights · 29/07/2022 19:51

Vikinga · 29/07/2022 19:45

I'm guessing her daughter has outgrown your daughter? It happened with my kids around that age.

It’s the other way around is anything. But even if that was the case. Why keep organising stuff?!

JustLyra · 29/07/2022 20:08

Festoonlights · 29/07/2022 19:34

If she had problems she could just tell me. She seems to be managing everything else.

Lots of people who are struggling seem to be fine outwardly.

You’ve been friends for 10 years and you are cutting her off over two recent incidents when for all you know she’s waiting on you calling her back or has something going on.

if she’s an acquaintance you don’t care about do nothing.

if she’s a friend check in on her.

Provenceinthesummer · 29/07/2022 20:58

I will actually check in, she’s usually open but maybe there is more to it. Best to know either way

OP posts:
redskyatnight · 29/07/2022 21:02

Festoonlights · 29/07/2022 19:50

I didn’t pick up because I was angry.

On the basis you never agreed a time for dinner, is this just a case of cross wires? Going for dinner at 7.30 with 12 year olds in the school holidays is a perfectly reasonable thing to do - it's just you were expecting something different?

Josette77 · 29/07/2022 21:11

I think 8 is fine for dinner. I don't know what you didn't answer the phone.

Provenceinthesummer · 29/07/2022 21:19

We have never met up so late in all the years. Usually 5/6pm. I can’t do late dinners as I have al the dc to get to bed. Had she mentioned the time or existence of a tennis lesson I would have said it’s going to be much too late. 8pm arriving for dinner with dc is not something that happens here ever - maybe in the Mediterranean but not here.

OP posts:
wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 29/07/2022 21:26

And your friend knows this.

You really need to be bold and tell her that bailing out , twice, is really unacceptable then ask her why.

Please don't roll over , like I did with a similarly tardy/laissez faire friend. We fell out due to my resentment over her behaviour.

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