Is my friend unreasonable or is it me?

[Provenceinthesummer]

Friend of 10 years, dds are friends for the same amount of time and we usually meet up every school holiday now dds are in secondary. I have 3 dc and she has 1 if that’s relevant.

Last week we were considering going to a local fair together but it was raining so we changed to the weekend. Friend suggested meeting for a walk and icecream on Saturday but said she had stuff to do first she would txt time to meet, she then didn’t contact me at all. Which is so unlike her.

I then get a second msg the following day with no apology or word about the first meet up no show suggesting to take the dds out for dinner on Monday. I thought about mentioning the weekend plans to her and asking her what happened, but I decided to chalk it up to forgetfulness.
On the day of the dinner dd is all ready to go and at 5pm I message friend to ask what time we are meeting and she replies to say her dd is now doing a ‘quick’ tennis lesson at 6.30pm! I am speechless at this point. The dds are 11 and starving. I start cooking dinner for dd as clearly the dinner is off! Friend rang at 7.38pm, she didn’t leave a message, it was obviously too late to go out at that point. Friend has not texted since. No apology just silence.

What do you make of this? She is not super busy, she has one child and doesn’t work and she is usually very organised.

Am I being unreasonable here? I am not impressed because dd was let down and she had turned down another invite. I have no idea what to say to friend or where we go from here. Any advice welcome!

If she rang you and you didn’t answer then the ball is in your court to get in touch back.

I think an apology for bailing without notice x 2 is probably well overdue.

I am going to check she is okay and if she is I will call her out on this. It’s unfair on dd who missed a fun sleepover to not let her dd down.

Your friend has been reliable for 10 years. She’s someone you know well from the sound of it and she’s never been unreliable before.

I think it’s frankly bizarre that you’re clearly utterly pissed off rather than concerned.

I have found, often to my detriment, that if you don't call people out on behaviours that annoy or confuse you, they tend to carry on oblivious to your building resentment.

So in your case, you could have called her on the Saturday morning to see why she hadn't contacted you. There may have been a good reason, maybe not, but it would have given her the message that you're not passively accepting being let down. Also by not answering the phone and not conveying your annoyance about the late dinner she may have assumed you weren't bothered.

Don't allow the resentment to build up. Tackle things as and when and set boundaries. Your silence could be construed as 'I'm fine' or not 'bothered ' by being let down and she will carry on accordingly.

Sorry OP but I think YABU. I really don’t see this as a big deal? She probably forgot to text on the weekend (you could’ve text her?!) and then it reads to me like she assumed you’d go for dinner after the “quick” tennis lesson - 7.30/8 isn’t a late dinner time in the holidays at that age? She rang and you ignored her - which is passive aggressive! She’s your mate of ten years. You could’ve answered the phone.

This.

I really don’t see this as a big deal?

You don't mind people messing you around?

I do, and so do most people. Do you do this to other people @Ncfreely?

@RampantIvy I knew the AIBU police would turn up soon. I know my rights officer!

I messaged her, she is completely fine, she was talking about how busy they have been all week and what she has being doing with her dd. No mention of las weekend or supper.

If we had gone out as some pp are suggesting at 8pm we would not have eaten until 9pm. Which is dds bed time and we would not have arrived home until 10pm. This is very late and something my friend simply wouldn’t arrange. I didn’t answer the phone not because I was PA but because I was fuming and didnt want to argue. It’s better for me to calm down, think about it rationally and then contact her.

I am really annoyed, there is no back story, mental health problem or any other reason.

I feel like she is trying to prove she a busy or something

Why don’t you raise the subject with her. If you don’t make it clear you are annoyed, she’ll continue to mess you around. You can say this calmly but clearly.

I feel like she is trying to prove she a busy or something

Maybe she is actually busy and things slip her mind. 8pm for dinner is fine during school holidays, my child and his friends met up at 6 last night and he came back at 8 for dinner. It's the holidays, so what things get moved around.

Your refusal to simply ask is weirder than her missing a couple of playdates.

Can't understand why you haven't gently confronted her about it yet? Suggestion above is good, "hey what happened to our plans last weekend?"

It’s difficult to raise it with her as she is now pretending nothing happened. She is back to suggesting new dates to meet up as if nothing happened !!!
She said she left me a message when I asked what happened last week, and she definitely didn’t leave a message. I told her I didn’t get a message from her, and I have asked her what did the message actually say and she hasn’t answered.

I am thinking to reply and say I am reluctant to organise any more dates as she hasn’t shown g
ul for the last Yeo! But that might be too confrontational?

• shown up

Last two, bloody phone!

But she did for the last one, you decided it was too late.

I don't get it. You arrange dinner but neither one of you discusses the meeting time and place?!? I think you are both YABU. You worked on the ASSUMPTION that you'd be meeting at 5 - 6 and your friend assumed that you'd be meeting at 7:30 - 8:00. This situation could have been easily avoided if you talked to your friend beforehand. It's just a simple misunderstanding, give your friend a break.

OP - can you please go back to the original posting name as it's easier to follow what you are saying.

I think you do need to tell her how rude she's been. Really isn't fair to be messed about

Some times friendships run their course , there could still be stuff going on she is not telling you. No it is not ok to mess you around or let your child down but how you deal with this will teach your child life skills she needs. You need to decide how much to invest in your friendship from now on. It is sad when relationships change.

If this is just a blip in an otherwise decent friendship I'd let these two incidents go, but I'd be on guard for a while. Being busy is fine, being a let down is not fine.

I feel like her daughter doesn't want to meet up, and is acting up. I'd stop arranging stuff with her.

She didn’t want to confirm s time because she wasn’t sure what time she would finish. We have never met for a late night dinner with kids in the decade we have known each other. She knows I have other dc to attend to.