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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my friend unreasonable or is it me?

81 replies

Provenceinthesummer · 29/07/2022 18:44

Friend of 10 years, dds are friends for the same amount of time and we usually meet up every school holiday now dds are in secondary. I have 3 dc and she has 1 if that’s relevant.

Last week we were considering going to a local fair together but it was raining so we changed to the weekend. Friend suggested meeting for a walk and icecream on Saturday but said she had stuff to do first she would txt time to meet, she then didn’t contact me at all. Which is so unlike her.

I then get a second msg the following day with no apology or word about the first meet up no show suggesting to take the dds out for dinner on Monday. I thought about mentioning the weekend plans to her and asking her what happened, but I decided to chalk it up to forgetfulness.
On the day of the dinner dd is all ready to go and at 5pm I message friend to ask what time we are meeting and she replies to say her dd is now doing a ‘quick’ tennis lesson at 6.30pm! I am speechless at this point. The dds are 11 and starving. I start cooking dinner for dd as clearly the dinner is off! Friend rang at 7.38pm, she didn’t leave a message, it was obviously too late to go out at that point. Friend has not texted since. No apology just silence.

What do you make of this? She is not super busy, she has one child and doesn’t work and she is usually very organised.

Am I being unreasonable here? I am not impressed because dd was let down and she had turned down another invite. I have no idea what to say to friend or where we go from here. Any advice welcome!

OP posts:
Solidarityovercharity · 30/07/2022 07:44

You could easily clear this up by ringing her and talking to her. Messaging her with questions and ringing her and not asking her questions is not working . I think she feels more relaxed about arrangements than you do. I could easily presume that 7.30, 8 is fine

Original poster
Provenceinthesummer · 30/07/2022 07:47

Beautiful3 · 30/07/2022 07:36

I feel like her daughter doesn't want to meet up, and is acting up. I'd stop arranging stuff with her.

I am not arranging these things, she is! That is why it’s such strange behaviour.
I honestly don’t understand why she keeps organising dates to meet yo and then goes silent! It is weird.

OP posts:
Festoonlights · 30/07/2022 07:50

She has one child of course she can be relaxed.
I have 3 dc and organising anything means I have to factor in their care, pick ups. I can’t just drop everything and meet for a 9pm dinner a drop of a hat. It’s quite inconsiderate

Mally100 · 30/07/2022 07:57

Yanbu. If she has never done dinner at 8pm in 10years so you clearly know she's doing something and pretending to be fine. I don't know why pp are trying to convince you otherwise. Knowing you had dinner plans, it's damn rude to go book a tennis lesson. You dont need to be told that's rude. Sounds like she's playing some sort of game.

Original poster
Provenceinthesummer · 30/07/2022 08:02

Yes that’s it Mally, it feels like game playing to me. Dh said she has always been like this but usually we meet up and it’s fun for a few hours, and she used to be quite reliable.

Now she does that whole we are so busy thing, and the next breath she says her dd hasn’t made any friends, they aren’t going on holiday this summer and what a long stretch the summer holiday is going to be. Nothing adds up. It feels fake.

OP posts:
Tiani4 · 30/07/2022 08:04

OP why do you keep switching between
@Provenceinthesummer
And @Festoonlights MN names??? It's poor form

People won't be able to follow this thread as it gets longer as it's not as easy to find your comments - For that YABU

For the other - well tell your friend, if she's a friend. She's bailed on you twice at the last minute without apology or explanation, so "what's going on mate, you've flaked out on us twice in 3 days in arrangements you instigated?"

Also despite the difficulties of working out what are your comments OP, ywbu to tell your DD to miss a last minute sleepover Monday (for the last minute dinner plans (that fell through) with friend and her silent DD that she clearly isn't keen on- you indicated your DD was the one that was less keen on her DD...

Why aren't the girls (the DDs) texting each other? And if they're not, then they aren't really friends!

Sunnysideup · 30/07/2022 08:08

I do find your reaction quite extreme which means these meet ups are incredibly important to you personally and you get deeply disappointed if you can’t go.

I suspect her kid is playing up and they’ve out grown each other, it seems the kid is finding better things to do and the mum is struggling with it.

Original poster
Provenceinthesummer · 30/07/2022 08:11

Dd was invited to a school sleepover organised at the last minute. I said she couldn’t go as we had already committed to seeing said friends. We are not the type to cancel if we get a better offer elsewhere! So when friend let us down dd was upset as she missed a fun sleepover for nothing and is now reluctant to make any more plans, and wants to see more of her new school friends.

Friends dd is autistic so not great on messaging front

OP posts:
easyday · 30/07/2022 08:13

A lot of this back and forth seems to be by text. Why not actually speak to her? Then she doesn't have the option of not replying. Next time she calls, answer. If she texts, call her back. If she says 'how about dinner Thursday', say 'well what happened to dinner Monday? I really need this to be a firm date as I've got the other kids to arrange', and then firm up time and place right away.
And as pp said, at secondary age I'd expect the girls to be arranging their own meet ups and just asking you if it was ok.

junebirthdaygirl · 30/07/2022 08:13

As just said l would leave the girls plan stuff themselves now. They are at that age where the dynamics change. I had a few friends with dds same age as my dd. For years we did stuff together but as they entered the teen years they had very little in common so my dd didn't want to do it anymore. I continued with the mom's and we are still friends.
I would say its her dd that has the problems and not the mom. I would say that at the last minute she is changing her mind due to teenage stuff and the mom is covering up for her as she thinks your teen is coping better. All guesswork of course.
Do you and the other mom ever just meet up without your dds as that's the only way the friendship will survive now

Original poster
Provenceinthesummer · 30/07/2022 08:14

Sunnysideup · 30/07/2022 08:08

I do find your reaction quite extreme which means these meet ups are incredibly important to you personally and you get deeply disappointed if you can’t go.

I suspect her kid is playing up and they’ve out grown each other, it seems the kid is finding better things to do and the mum is struggling with it.

I don’t know what to say to her next invitation for this weekend. It’s definitely not extremely important to me 😂 but I am irritated as she is wasting my time!

OP posts:
Beebeebaby · 30/07/2022 08:17

Seems you have a communication issue . Texting not calling , refusing to answer the phone , messaging to check she’s ok
why don’t you two Mums meet for coffee without the DDs?
. You can check she’s really ok , calmly talk about the situation, find out if it’s something your DDs still want to do and discuss your boundaries over times & places to meet etc.

Sunnysideup · 30/07/2022 08:19

Provenceinthesummer · 30/07/2022 08:14

I don’t know what to say to her next invitation for this weekend. It’s definitely not extremely important to me 😂 but I am irritated as she is wasting my time!

Show quote history

But you didn’t have other things to do anyway so how’s she wasting your time?

it’s ok to be upset and angry you didn’t get to go out.

Original poster
Provenceinthesummer · 30/07/2022 08:23

Friends dd is autistic and finds it hard to make friends, so seeing us is important to her as they don’t really see anyone else beyond grandparents and neighbours.

Friend makes plans for her dd still as otherwise her dd wouldn’t see anyone as she doesn’t communicate on the phone like other girls of her age.
My friend still does all of the arranging. My dd organises her own social life and has done for years. If I say to my friend let’s leave it to the dds, it may be unkind knowing her dd can’t arrange things like the other girls.

I do sometimes see friend for lunch etc on our own, but she always wants to include her dd as much as she can for obvious reasons.

OP posts:
brighterthanaluckypenny · 30/07/2022 08:30

You assumed she would meet you at the usual time and know that after 7.30pm was too late for you.

She assumed you could be flexible and after 7.30pm would be fine because you knew she was busy.

You've been friends for ages.

All you need to do next time is agree to meet up on Saturday but for you to spell out 'If you want to confirm a time on the day, that's fine, but I won't be able to do after 5pm and I'd actually prefer meeting up at 11am if possible.' Set some boundaries so you're both clear where you stand!

You shouldn't have ignored her when she rang. That was petty. If you were too angry to speak, you could have texted 'Sorry, can't speak, sorting out dinner as it got too late for me. Hope DC had fun at tennis, we'll sort something else out soon.'

Original poster
Provenceinthesummer · 30/07/2022 08:33

Sunnysideup · 30/07/2022 08:19

But you didn’t have other things to do anyway so how’s she wasting your time?

it’s ok to be upset and angry you didn’t get to go out.

Show quote history

Well dd had a sleepover invite and my in laws are currently staying locally so yes we did have other things on as a family.

We are all going on holiday next week so it was/is really the last chance to see that particular friend as dd is going to school sports camp for the last week with her school friends

OP posts:
WaveyHair · 30/07/2022 08:35

We are not the type to cancel if we get a better offer elsewhere

I suspect maybe your friend is doing this. Chalk it up to experience and unless there is a firm date & time in place consider any plans with them unconfirmed & go with the other option.

wants to see more of her new school friends.

I suspect dds friendship is changing and your dd is not as friendly with your friends dd as you have been led to believe. If your dd is making her own plans now let her decide how she wants to spend the weekend.

Glitteratitar · 30/07/2022 08:36

You are massively overreacting to this. It’s completely fine to be annoyed, but to suggest she’s game playing?! Not every miscommunication or disorganisation has manipulative intent.

Glitteratitar · 30/07/2022 08:36

Provenceinthesummer · 29/07/2022 21:19

We have never met up so late in all the years. Usually 5/6pm. I can’t do late dinners as I have al the dc to get to bed. Had she mentioned the time or existence of a tennis lesson I would have said it’s going to be much too late. 8pm arriving for dinner with dc is not something that happens here ever - maybe in the Mediterranean but not here.

Do you mean “happens here” as in in the UK?

Of course it is, what nonsense.

Original poster
Provenceinthesummer · 30/07/2022 08:41

brighterthanaluckypenny · 30/07/2022 08:30

You assumed she would meet you at the usual time and know that after 7.30pm was too late for you.

She assumed you could be flexible and after 7.30pm would be fine because you knew she was busy.

You've been friends for ages.

All you need to do next time is agree to meet up on Saturday but for you to spell out 'If you want to confirm a time on the day, that's fine, but I won't be able to do after 5pm and I'd actually prefer meeting up at 11am if possible.' Set some boundaries so you're both clear where you stand!

You shouldn't have ignored her when she rang. That was petty. If you were too angry to speak, you could have texted 'Sorry, can't speak, sorting out dinner as it got too late for me. Hope DC had fun at tennis, we'll sort something else out soon.'

Yes I agree I should have been much more clear about timings. The reason I didn’t do that at the time is because I have never needed to in the past. We always usually set a day and time and stick to it.
I didn’t envisage she would ever consider taking dc out so late. It’s really unusual.

The vagueness around times is new.

OP posts:
SirChenjins · 30/07/2022 08:46

If she’s suggesting meeting up then I’d go, but say to her in advance that as the last 2 meet ups didn’t go ahead you really need to know that this one is happening (or words to that effect). If you do meet up then quiz her face to face, texting is never a good way to communicate properly.

Maybeebebe · 30/07/2022 08:48

Festoonlights · 30/07/2022 07:50

She has one child of course she can be relaxed.
I have 3 dc and organising anything means I have to factor in their care, pick ups. I can’t just drop everything and meet for a 9pm dinner a drop of a hat. It’s quite inconsiderate

Why on earth are you name changing all the time????

MrsLargeEmbodied · 30/07/2022 08:49

just make new plans
dont get angry
talk to her not mn

Sally872 · 30/07/2022 09:06

I understand your frustration. For next plan i would want a time and a place confirmed in advance or i wouldn't bother. I wouldn't be hanging around waiting for a message on the day again.

I would reply "yes, we can meet you at 2pm at xxxx" if she says i need to wait for xyz on the day i would say choose another day as you need a plan.

Ncfreely · 30/07/2022 09:13

OP when she said they had a quick tennis lesson, what else did she say? Was it meant as in, let’s do dinner after, or I’m cancelling? Because if the former then I can’t see what she’s done wrong (giving her the benefit of the doubt that the weekend was just forgetfulness)