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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pressuring kids to eat their food

64 replies

Sparkles20 · 29/07/2022 07:34

So I'd like some clarity on this please.
Last night me and DS6 went round DP for dinner. She has a DD10.

DD is a nightmare atm at meal times. She tries to distract us by talking while eating so she doesn't have to finish her tea. All she wants to eat is sweets and sweet stuff. So she was doing her usual at dinner last night. My DS had pretty much ate all his, had a few bits left.

DP snapped and said she was fed up of them not eating all their dinner all the time and they have to eat every bit of their tea to get pudding. I said we'll it's OK to leave small bits isn't, they aren't expected to have every single crumb. She said it's my house and my rules and if they want pudding they have to eat it all. She then scrapped all the crumbs in DS dish and made him feel like he had eat it. I told her I thought she was being harsh and walked in the kitchen to clear my plate.

I feel she was taking her frustration of her DD out on my DS.

Tonight when I got home she's gone mad at me for saying she was harsh in front of the children. I've told her though that it wasn't OK to make my DS feel like he had to eat the last few small bits of food on his plate when he had done well to eat most of his food. She's now blocked me.

Aibu?

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 29/07/2022 07:38

You are right. She should not be taking her frustrations out on your DS. No child should be made to eat everything on their plate, especially if they have already eaten most of it. She needs to deal with her DD separately.

Sirzy · 29/07/2022 07:38

The must clear plates approach is so dangerous and won’t help childrens eating at all just make it a battle ground.

DenholmElliot1 · 29/07/2022 07:40

I would't bother forcing a child to eat anything. whats the point? Just don't take them round there for meals anymore. Have them over to your house instead so you can say "my house my rules"

Original poster
Sparkles20 · 29/07/2022 07:41

I am honestly worried about her DD using distraction techniques to get out of meal time eating. She already is petite and small. And also my DP started running on about how sugar is so bad after this and eating sugary things is so unhealthy and I just feel that saying this stuff to her DD is dangerous and may have the beginnings of an eating disorder.

OP posts:
Chdjdn · 29/07/2022 07:41

she can’t just decide that she’s implementing a rule for your DS without talking to you or expecting you to say something if you don’t agree. It’s also not going to solve the issue for her DD.
leave her to it

Original poster
Sparkles20 · 29/07/2022 07:43

Chdjdn · 29/07/2022 07:41

she can’t just decide that she’s implementing a rule for your DS without talking to you or expecting you to say something if you don’t agree. It’s also not going to solve the issue for her DD.
leave her to it

We had agreed that they eat most of their food. So I don't understand she was getting funny about him leaving some strands of pasta and crumbs of meatball. He had already eaten alot.

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 29/07/2022 07:43

Nope, she’s the unreasonable one. Not good to make kids clear their whole plates. Her dd should have to eat the majority of her dinner before getting sweet stuff yes, but that’s a different issue and shouldn’t be taken out on your ds.

gogohmm · 29/07/2022 07:51

There's crumbs and crumbs ... hard to say without seeing it. I portioned my kids food out appropriately so yes they had to finish entirely for dessert. I have a dd with a borderline eating disorder from young (asd) and we had to set strict rules to ensure she ate - I never overloaded plates and there was seconds available if they wanted it (dd2 often asked for seconds). Your dp didn't handle it well but if two children eat together regularly you need a single set of rules plus sometimes you have just had it with fussy kids

Original poster
Sparkles20 · 29/07/2022 08:01

gogohmm · 29/07/2022 07:51

There's crumbs and crumbs ... hard to say without seeing it. I portioned my kids food out appropriately so yes they had to finish entirely for dessert. I have a dd with a borderline eating disorder from young (asd) and we had to set strict rules to ensure she ate - I never overloaded plates and there was seconds available if they wanted it (dd2 often asked for seconds). Your dp didn't handle it well but if two children eat together regularly you need a single set of rules plus sometimes you have just had it with fussy kids

He had about 2 small mouthfuls left. Her DD had pretty much her whole meal left

OP posts:
SavoirFlair · 29/07/2022 08:02

What is a dp?? Impossible to read this and understand.

Brefugee · 29/07/2022 08:08

She was wrong but she was clearly frustrated about the situation with her DD. Had she maybe said to her that your DS is an example who eats all his food?

We had a food refuser. Slow eating, pushing it round the plate. Part of our "problem" was DH insisting on plating up in the kitchen to save washing up, but then putting too much out for the DCs. We then switched to how we always did things in my family, growing up, which was serving dishes on the table.

When our DC had control over their portions, they still took ages, but they did eat what went on their plate. Other DC had no issues around food but also enjoyed the grown up feeling of serving themselves.

Luredbyapomegranate · 29/07/2022 08:09

I think you are right - however I voted YABU because you have to have each other’s backs in front of the kids.

Your P was likely tired tired and stressed, so she was being stupid. What you should have done is said to your son, Ok let’s show SD that this is pretty delicious, and then if he couldn’t finish just said well hey he’s done pretty well, and declared him done.

Then once the kids were out of the way you could have said to her - what were you thinking?! Explain that this isn’t healthy and you don’t want your son dragged into her daughter’s eating issues so you have to find another solution when they’re eating together.

Everyone would have been happier with that including the kids - they do not like their adult carers in conflict.

SavoirFlair · 29/07/2022 08:11

Your P was likely tired tired and stressed, so she was being stupid.

Again for those of us who aren’t lifers in this cult. What is a “P”?

milesymoo · 29/07/2022 08:13

SavoirFlair · 29/07/2022 08:11

Your P was likely tired tired and stressed, so she was being stupid.

Again for those of us who aren’t lifers in this cult. What is a “P”?

www.mumsnet.com/i/acronyms

Not sure if you're new to Mumsnet but this should help

ApolloandDaphne · 29/07/2022 08:13

P is a partner and DP is a dear/darling partner. Can also be used for parents. Context is everything. These acronyms are used all over MN and I am baffled as to why people are questioning this.

Howeverdoyouneedme · 29/07/2022 08:15

DP=partner

milesymoo · 29/07/2022 08:15

OP I would usually agree to have each other's backs in front of children and clear the air later but she was clearly making a point of singling out your DS and if you have already established a rule of 'mostly cleared plates' then she's changed that without discussing it with you

I think you were within your rights to bring it up and her blocking you is pretty petty behaviour to be honest

Michellebops · 29/07/2022 08:20

If she's blocking you now after her petty behaviour then I'd get out now.

She's taking her frustrations over her own child out on yours and that's not on in my opinion.

Thankfully you have your sons back.
Hope he got his dessert.

Whatsthisallaboutconfused · 29/07/2022 08:27

Your DP handled the situation badly and only see it by childish hysteria and blocking. Unacceptable way to treat your DS. Poor child. Sounds incredibly tense and unpleasant and would put me off eating too

RedCardigan · 29/07/2022 08:31

See I read DP as parents. So the grandparents of DS. Either way to block you is petty, leave them to it

CantaloupeMelon · 29/07/2022 08:33

I agree with you that your DP was frustrated with her DD, and took it out on your DS, which isn't ok.

However I also agree with her that you shouldn't have undermined her approach in front of the kids but should have had a calm discussion about it later on.

As she's blocked you, she's being the most unreasonable one overall, so I've voted YANBU.

Original poster
Sparkles20 · 29/07/2022 08:41

To clarify in my post DP= dearest partner

OP posts:
Youdoyoutoday · 29/07/2022 08:42

If she's blocked you over something so silly then run for the hills!

Original poster
Sparkles20 · 29/07/2022 08:45

Youdoyoutoday · 29/07/2022 08:42

If she's blocked you over something so silly then run for the hills!

She's now unblocked me but hasn't text anything.

We are suppose to be going to a concert for my birthday today. Not sure if it's going ahead or not.

We have had alot of issues in the past week so not sure if this relationship will continue

OP posts:
Softplayhooray · 29/07/2022 08:59

Getting Mommie Dearest vibes reading this! She sounds awful.