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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wont organise to WFH - taking AL instead

64 replies

Lima1 · 28/07/2022 12:49

I am so peed off with my DH over this issue that I dont know if I am being unreasonable about his solution.

I WFH but try to get into the office a day a week (its a 2.5 hr round trip). We are being asked to come in more frequently but it isn't being enforced at the moment so I am not under pressure from my employer to come in.
Sometimes I need to go in to get paper files and it is nice to see colleagues - I am suffering a bit from lack of motivation by being stuck working on my own in my room all day.

The kids are on school holidays (been off for 5 long weeks now) and it is very difficult to WFH with them here. They are teen and pre-teens so fairly self sufficient but its the constant noise, arguing, request for screens/food etc that are a constant distraction.
DH agreed with his boss last April that he could WHF two days a week which would allow me to go into the office. It still hasn't happened yet. I have explained that it is putting me under pressure, I am snapping at the kids, they hate me down in the room working all day as they feel I am here but not here IYSWIM. DH has never WFH so he really doesn't understand how difficult it is.

His boss needs to organise the connection to the system for him to WFH and it hasn't been done yet.
I have been on to him a few times lately but it just isn't a priority for him. I emailed him today about it and his solution was that he would take 2 days annual leave next week so I can go into the office.

He only has 6 days AL left this year and I wanted to spend them doing things as a family not with him being at home and me in work. I see it as a waste of his AL when all he has to do is organise to WFH or I also suggested we pay someone to mind them.

I know he sees this as a perfectly acceptable solution and if I say anything he will complain that he cant win.

So AIBU to think this is a cop out solution and AL should be saved for emergencies and family time. I feel like he is just kicking the can down the road and he thinks this will get me off his back for a short while.

OP posts:
minipie · 28/07/2022 12:51

YANBU at all. What a waste of his AL and how rubbish that the childcare is all on you since you’ve sorted wfh and he hasn’t.

Maybe you can think of a huge list of tedious domestic tasks he can get done with his two days AL and he might magically sort out WFH instead?

Nc830 · 28/07/2022 12:51

i wouldn’t be happy about him having only 6 days left and wasting 2

RedHelenB · 28/07/2022 12:51

Does he actually want to work from home?

Riverlee · 28/07/2022 12:53

You mention that you find wfh difficult with the dc around due to the constant distraction. Why will it be easier for him to wfh? In this situation, annual leave seems a suitable compromise.

Can he use some of this time to take the dc out, so making it family time?

If he needs time for family emergencies, there’s always the option if unpaid leave.

Bunnycat101 · 28/07/2022 12:55

While I agree sorting the wfh should
be high up on his list, unless you’ve booked something then presumably he is going to do something with the kids and have some time with them? If you were hoping for a week away then he is being unreasonable if he has now only got 4 days but if you were just saving days to potter around then I’m not sure it’s as big an issue.

TitInATrance · 28/07/2022 12:55

Any reason why you have to work AND parent and he only has to do one or the other?

Teen should be stepping up a bit and being self-sufficient too.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/07/2022 13:01

I find it near impossible to work with kids in the house, and avoid it at all costs. My youngest is 8, so yes I can work with him there but it’s not much fun for either him or me.

Paid holiday clubs work for me in this scenario (I’m a single parent - although not lone parent as my exh does have them some of the time)

On the face of it, HIBU, as it’s nice to have some family time off altogether. But you do say you hate wfh with the kids there and it makes you snappy etc. So maybe he knows he’ll be like that and wants to avoid it?

I don’t really think wfh is the solution to kids being on holiday that everyone thinks it is (assuming they’re primary aged).

ZenNudist · 28/07/2022 13:01

I don't think it's a waste to take time off with your dc in the school holidays. I'm doing this with DH still at work because it's nice for dc to have days out and stuff. Mine go nuts if they have to sit around the house whilst I work. Did that during lockdown and never again !

Lndnmummy · 28/07/2022 13:08

You are not being unreasonable at all here. I understand the frustration. I'd say to him that from now on you will be in the office two days a week and that he needs to either arrange his wfh set up or work with you to find a nanny for those two days. DO NOT do the entire find the nanny thing on your own. Send him the cv's, ask him to do the job description, ask him to schedule the interviews etc. Make him step up if it isn't forthcoming. If nothing happens, the day you have said you'd be in the office you get up earlier than him and get ready and leave the house. BEFORE him. He will be forced to take action. I have had to revert to tactics like this when my attempts at dialogue have failed. Bills have escalated to debt collectors, fridge has been empty when I have worked abroad, school welfare team being given dh number when home work hasn't been completed, etc etc. I am not being a witch but I can not do the logistics for everyone at all times at the same time as bringing home the bacon. It just isn't possible. We agreed we need to incomes. We agreed we wanted to set an example to our boys that both parents contribute equally to the finances. That means, by default, that we both have to contribute equally domestically.

IamnotSethRogan · 28/07/2022 13:08

I think it's a reasonable compromise. Presumably the kids will be having a better day if he's actually off as opposed to him being stressed and working from home.

Also, maybe his boss isn't keen on the idea of him wfh while looking after the kids so isn't in a rush to sort it

Whataretheodds · 28/07/2022 13:10

YANBU it's also really short-sighted not to get the home connection set up so it's there when it's needed.

Original poster
Lima1 · 28/07/2022 13:12

Thanks for the responses. He wont organize to bring them anywhere on the two days, they will hang around the house. I have already told him I would like to try to take a week off in August before they go back to school and do some day trips but if I say this to him he will respond that I cant have it everyway.

I am sure he wont get much work done from home but I don't see why it is always me trying to do it. He really doesn't get how difficult it is and he wont until he does it. I suspect he doesn't want to actually do it and that is why he is delaying it.

They have been in clubs a few of the weeks (10am-2pm) but nothing on locally at the moment.

The kids are good but they are up at 7.30am which is when I log on and I have them until 5pm when he comes home, its a long time for them to be good and not disturb me!

OP posts:
sunsetsandsandybeaches · 28/07/2022 13:16

How old are they all? Surely the teens can just go off and do whatever they want with little to no input from you?

Original poster
Lima1 · 28/07/2022 13:18

@Lndnmummy I feel like I am in the situation at the moment. I had a big talk with him two weeks ago about me bearing the burden of the childcare/housework/back to school. He said he understood and would try harder but here I am two weeks later, still not further to him taking some of the load and coming up with a shit solution to get me off his back.

I did say to him that I didnt get married and have children just to be a wife and childminder, I have a good career that I need to nourish but I cant do it without support from him. Its very frustrating.
As @Whataretheodds said its just so shortsighted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lima1 · 28/07/2022 13:22

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 28/07/2022 13:16

How old are they all? Surely the teens can just go off and do whatever they want with little to no input from you?

Its two preteens and eldest is 14. The go to the local playground for an hour or two but I have them for almost 10 hours so its a long time to fill. They play outside but the preteen boys argue over everything and even when they are not they are just so loud, running through the house, playing nerf guns, wrestling, etc
My work involves drafting documents/policies/advices etc and I need to be able to concentrate in peace.
I end up reading and rereading the same lines over and over.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 28/07/2022 13:29

I think the work from home is a bit of acred herring in that if you're working from home you're not looking after the children.

If he's looking after the children next week then he's right to take time off. Once he does get his work from home set up then you need to remember its not to facilitate childcare. His reluctance may stem from a conviction that it won't be right for him, its not the answer for everyone, perhaps he feels office is better.

Bagpuss2022 · 28/07/2022 13:29

I would be putting down some ground rules they are old enough to respect you have to work and to keep it down they can play out/gaming watch tv all quietly.
But I don’t think your being unreasonable your DH needs to take some of the responsibility

minipie · 28/07/2022 13:32

I am sure he wont get much work done from home but I don't see why it is always me trying to do it

There are three options here as a family:

  • You accept that work goes a bit shit in the holidays due to combining wfh and childcare, and you share it equally between you
  • You accept that annual leave needs to be used to cover school holidays, and you share it equally between you
  • You accept that you need paid childcare in the holidays, so that you can both work properly and use your AL for other things, and you share the cost/organisation of childcare equally between you
Spot the common theme?!
BigFatLiar · 28/07/2022 13:33

Lima1 · 28/07/2022 13:22

Its two preteens and eldest is 14. The go to the local playground for an hour or two but I have them for almost 10 hours so its a long time to fill. They play outside but the preteen boys argue over everything and even when they are not they are just so loud, running through the house, playing nerf guns, wrestling, etc
My work involves drafting documents/policies/advices etc and I need to be able to concentrate in peace.
I end up reading and rereading the same lines over and over.

Show quote history

If you're re reading then perhaps working from home isn't working for you. Lots of couples with children have to cope with holidays and aren't able to wfh.

gatehouseoffleet · 28/07/2022 13:33

I'm still missing why your kids are too much of a distraction for you to work from home but not for your DH? Sounds like taking AL is better (though why does he need two days when you will only be out for one?)

Also sounds like they should be able to entertain themselves and not bother either of you when you are working.

thenewduchessoflapland · 28/07/2022 13:38

So you're working full time and doing all the childcare too while he gets to only work?;it's not exactly fair is it?.I'm actually wondering if he's lying to you about this "system" stuff because he doesn't want to step up.

Him taking two days AL only helps in one week but what about the rest of them?

Tigofigo · 28/07/2022 13:39

If your children aren't old enough to appreciate the need to stay quiet and let you work then they're not old enough to be at home while you work. You need childcare, whether that's through taking annual leave or other means. It's what most other parents do.

Jedsnewstar · 28/07/2022 13:40

Maybe a schedule for the kids if you expect them to fend for themselves for 10hours. Breakfast, lunch, snacks all pre planned. Kids generally eat when bored. They can plan it with you. Film 10-11.30, park 11.39-12.30 etc…

Musti · 28/07/2022 13:40

Can you/your husband change your working hours whilst the kids are home to say 6-2 and then you can log off and do stuff with the kids? Ask them to not disturb you whilst you’re working. Work in your bedroom.

but your husband needs to pick up equal share of housework and childcare. If he loses his annual leave that’s up to him. You organise something fun for you and the kids and he’ll miss out

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 28/07/2022 13:41

I think everyone's missing the point that why is it all her responsibility to organize the solution for the kids.