DH wont organise to WFH - taking AL instead

[Lima1]

I am so peed off with my DH over this issue that I dont know if I am being unreasonable about his solution.

I WFH but try to get into the office a day a week (its a 2.5 hr round trip). We are being asked to come in more frequently but it isn't being enforced at the moment so I am not under pressure from my employer to come in.
Sometimes I need to go in to get paper files and it is nice to see colleagues - I am suffering a bit from lack of motivation by being stuck working on my own in my room all day.

The kids are on school holidays (been off for 5 long weeks now) and it is very difficult to WFH with them here. They are teen and pre-teens so fairly self sufficient but its the constant noise, arguing, request for screens/food etc that are a constant distraction.
DH agreed with his boss last April that he could WHF two days a week which would allow me to go into the office. It still hasn't happened yet. I have explained that it is putting me under pressure, I am snapping at the kids, they hate me down in the room working all day as they feel I am here but not here IYSWIM. DH has never WFH so he really doesn't understand how difficult it is.

His boss needs to organise the connection to the system for him to WFH and it hasn't been done yet.
I have been on to him a few times lately but it just isn't a priority for him. I emailed him today about it and his solution was that he would take 2 days annual leave next week so I can go into the office.

He only has 6 days AL left this year and I wanted to spend them doing things as a family not with him being at home and me in work. I see it as a waste of his AL when all he has to do is organise to WFH or I also suggested we pay someone to mind them.

I know he sees this as a perfectly acceptable solution and if I say anything he will complain that he cant win.

So AIBU to think this is a cop out solution and AL should be saved for emergencies and family time. I feel like he is just kicking the can down the road and he thinks this will get me off his back for a short while.

He's being a selfish arse. Don't know what would make him kinder, maybe nothing but you have my sympathy.

WRT my employer, I have flexible working so I can start and finish whenever I want. I have a workload assigned to me so its not a case of not pulling my weight in work, the work gets assigned and I have to have it done, they dont care when once its done.

I am scheduled to work a 7 hour day but the reality is that it is often about 10 hours to make up for the time lost due to distraction. It means my working day is longer than DH because of this.
Over the last few weeks on the day I have gone into work I have left the children home alone. I dont mind doing it for a few hours but some days it has been from 7.30 -4pm. DH is ok with this but I worry something will happen.

The reality is that he wants to just muddle through until they return to school and he is fobbing my off until that time comes. Term time is ok as they are gone 7 hours.

The worst thing about this is that it's actually the children who are having a crap time while you and your husband are busy "nurturing your careers". The school holidays are a very long time for the two pre-teens in particular to be bumming around, doing nothing in particular. Being bored will make them more argumentative and more inclined to run riot in the house.

I think it's actually very sensible of your husband to take AL and use it to do things with the children - even if that just means being physically and mentally present, rather than thinking about or trying to work.. What would make the most sense, given that you both want to keep your careers, would be for you both to organise your AL in such a way that it minimises the amount of time the children spend hanging around while you work. So you would have to sacrifice the idea of AL as 'family time', but the children would have a much better experience as they'd be spending less time doing nothing and being told they have to be quiet because someone is working. Your husband trying to WFH with the children around would be just as rubbish as it is when you're trying to do it.

I know work is unavoidable, but what you and your husband are doing at the moment isn't any good for any of you.

Do you actually need to WFH? You'd be better off being physically at work, because you are inevitably going to be focussing neither on your work nor on your children so long as you are WFH in the holidays. If you weren't physically there, you'd have to find a better solution anyway.

tell him if he doesn’t support you and your career, he will be minding the DC 50% of the time as a divorced dad and he will have to find the funds for childcare then @minipie This is always trotted out on here. What semi decent mother would use her children as weapons in that way?

I've telecommuted for several jobs over the past 15+ years, and managed full-time telecommuters. If it's a full time job or there are expectations of when you'll be available/actively working, you can't combine it with childcare duties on an ongoing basis. Reasonably mature teens after school, OK, with a really good pair of noise-cancelling headphones and very clear "no non-emergency interrruptions!" rules that everyone respects. And that includes requests for food - preteens can microwave plated leftovers or a ready-meal or make themselves a sandwich, or you can take a break to have lunch together or an after-school snack. Otherwise you need a carer.

What does he say is his reason for not putting in the request to get set up to WFH? "Not a priority for him" really doesn't cut it. I'm not sure what's involved in getting him set up - he may need to read and sign a telecommuting agreement, provide information about his home office set-up, get security approvals, order additional equipment, be issued a physical VPN token, etc. The sooner he puts in the request the sooner he'll be ready to WFH.

Ask him to estimate the time it will take him to make the request, and to make that time today/tomorrow. And how long does it take to get the approval? You shouldn't have to treat him like a child, but he shouldn't be acting like one. If there's some other reason he doesn't want to be able to WFH he has to tell you what that is so you can work together to find a solution. If you've both agreed to try the 2/3 day WFH switchoff, he has to give it a chance. (And now, not in September when the children are back at school and you're done all the extra work.)

... he thinks I can manage at home, I have told him I cant ( not 4/5 days a week anyway) but he just ignores it. Why does he think you can manage, but he can't? Why does he (appear to) think that your job, work/life balance, job prospects, career are less important than his? You're already compromising by agreeing to three days at home while he'll only have two, what more does he want and why does he think you should agree? The whole situation sounds really disrespectful to you.

Why wouldn't you just book (at least the pre-teens) them into some sort of holiday club?
This sounds like another example of people thinking after Covid that they can wfh and look after children.

You seem to be focusing on the wrong problem. Perfectly normal to have to divide annual leave to cover school holidays.

Is his work as flexible as yours?

While I see your point about your DH saying he'd WFH then not doing so, he isn't doing it for whatever reason so you need a different plan. He's offered one solution, which you don't like, so what are the other options?
Normally when people work out of the home they arrange childcare/holiday clubs/ask other parents or family to watch their kids. You could arrange something that enables you both to go in to work. Sounds like you might need to anyway if the kids are such a distraction that it is hard for you to work at home.
If cost is an issue then you just have to suck up the distraction issues or accept that annual leave will be used to cover you going into work. We all have to compromise, especially in the school hols unfortunately

The obvious answer is - either you both take turns to wfh with the kids about or no one does it.

Its either possible or it’s not

Trouble is, if it's his boss that needs to organise a connection to the work systems, and his boss hasn't done it, then that's hardly your DH's fault. If he hasn't got a connection he can't WFH and will have to take AL.

Can he put a bit of gentle pressure on his boss to get this completed?

The reality is that he wants to just muddle through until they return to school and he is fobbing my off until that time comes. Term time is ok as they are gone 7 hours.

Then you need to put your foot down and say you're organising childcare - then do it. He's not the boss - why do you think he gets the final say?

This

You need childcare and you'd have to sort it out if you comuted to work.

Sorting out DH's WFH is probably a low priority for his management when it will only make him less productive. If it's not working for you as it is, why should they compromise their productivity?

DH needs to agree to appropriate childcare though. He's a prat for not doing that.

I’ve changed my mind following your updates and think he is being an arse. You can’t work like that and he needs to accept that and pay for more childcare otherwise you’ll go mad.

What did you do in previous summers, and why can't you do that now?