DH wont organise to WFH - taking AL instead

[Lima1]

I am so peed off with my DH over this issue that I dont know if I am being unreasonable about his solution.

I WFH but try to get into the office a day a week (its a 2.5 hr round trip). We are being asked to come in more frequently but it isn't being enforced at the moment so I am not under pressure from my employer to come in.
Sometimes I need to go in to get paper files and it is nice to see colleagues - I am suffering a bit from lack of motivation by being stuck working on my own in my room all day.

The kids are on school holidays (been off for 5 long weeks now) and it is very difficult to WFH with them here. They are teen and pre-teens so fairly self sufficient but its the constant noise, arguing, request for screens/food etc that are a constant distraction.
DH agreed with his boss last April that he could WHF two days a week which would allow me to go into the office. It still hasn't happened yet. I have explained that it is putting me under pressure, I am snapping at the kids, they hate me down in the room working all day as they feel I am here but not here IYSWIM. DH has never WFH so he really doesn't understand how difficult it is.

His boss needs to organise the connection to the system for him to WFH and it hasn't been done yet.
I have been on to him a few times lately but it just isn't a priority for him. I emailed him today about it and his solution was that he would take 2 days annual leave next week so I can go into the office.

He only has 6 days AL left this year and I wanted to spend them doing things as a family not with him being at home and me in work. I see it as a waste of his AL when all he has to do is organise to WFH or I also suggested we pay someone to mind them.

I know he sees this as a perfectly acceptable solution and if I say anything he will complain that he cant win.

So AIBU to think this is a cop out solution and AL should be saved for emergencies and family time. I feel like he is just kicking the can down the road and he thinks this will get me off his back for a short while.

to be fair most people who aren’t teachers are not able to take much annual leave together. My husband and I do a week together in the summer then a week each (holiday clubs the rest of the time). Is that not quite standard?

my work wouldn’t be delighted if i wanted to work from home in order to watch the kids. WFH is not a replacement for childcare, particularly if your kids are young and/or needy (like mine are).

The kids will be a distraction for him, definitely but he needs to see that.
He doesn't want to pay for childcare, he thinks I can manage at home, I have told him I cant ( not 4/5 days a week anyway) but he just ignores it.

If he were to WFH he would see how difficult it is. If I got 2 full days in the office I could afford to work a shorter day at home for the other days to take the pressure off. If he expects me to suffer through these distractions then he should be willing to also.

It cant all be down to me to take the hit.

@minipie I completely agree with you, but unfortunately he doesn't seem to get the sharing equally part, he thinks I can bear the burden despite me being clear that I cant.

We both technically work 37 hours a week, but I end up working longer days to make up for the lack of productivity at home. He leaves at 7.30am and I log on then also, he gets home at 5pm and often I have to continue working on past that time so my working day ends up being longer. He doesnt see anything wrong with that!

Yes, he should get his wfh worked out. If nothing else, it will cover him if he gets mildly sick or if someone needs to be home for the plumber and you aren’t available. He is being really short-sighted.

I’ve wfh my 13yo’s entire life. She also isn’t NT so struggles with some things. I have still expected her to take care of most of her own meals during the day the last couple of years. With Covid lockdown, she had to help pitch-in. Your kids can too. They don’t need to come to you for food or screens. Get in really simple supplies for things they can make themselves. Cereal, sandwiches, pre-cut up fruit. Basically things that are no cooking and no sharp knives required so you don’t even have those worries. If you want to limit screen time, use parental controls on devices that have them. For ones that don’t have them built in, it might get trickier, but there may be a technology solution available or you might just turn some of those devices off during the day.

I understand your frustration that he hasn't arranged to WFH when he said he would. However, it doesn't actually sound as if WFH while looking after kids is a great solution for any of you- I'm not sure it's really a goer with pre-teens (how old are they exactly?) and it can't be great for you or the kids. I know a lot of employers wouldn't be happy with the set up either. Could you and your husband work out some other options together? Look a bit further afield for clubs or find some paid childcare (what would you have done pre-covid?)

At the moment all the shit is falling on you and that's definitely not fair but a better solution than sharing the shit out more fairly would be to avoid it entirely.

He should still get set up to WFH though as obviously it's very useful in an emergency.

You find the kids distracting but want him to WFH. For me the compromise is him taking AL to look after the kids whilst you go into the office. Working from home is supposed to be working- not babysitting and having half your mind on the job.

@GeriTheBerry @SarahSissions

did you read the OPs update? She ageees it is not ideal. She wants to pay for childcare - her DH does not. He thinks she should WFH while minding the DC, but that he should not - because, you know, important man job🙄.

OP wants him to have to do both so that he realizes it is not possible- he wants to take AL because he knows he can’t do both and he does not ever want to have the option of doing so to provide emergency care.

OP you need a serious conversation with your H and tell him if he doesn’t support you and your career, he will be minding the DC 50% of the time as a divorced dad and he will have to find the funds for childcare then.

Thanks @Annasgirl , thats it in a nutshell. He wants to be free to go to work and do his job with no distractions but thinks its ok for me to manage at home with loads.
The 2 days AL next week is just a solution for next week, I will be in the same boat the following week and have the same conversation.

I had a big conversation with him 2 weeks ago, I did actually tell him that I was considering getting out the of marriage as there was nothing in it for me only work. Looks like that hasn't sank in!

he doesn't seem to get the sharing equally part, he thinks I can bear the burden despite me being clear that I cant

Sorry, he’s a dick then. I think it’s time for the message from the PP tell him if he doesn’t support you and your career, he will be minding the DC 50% of the time as a divorced dad and he will have to find the funds for childcare then

Why are the men calling the shots in so many of these posts!? Tell him childcare is happening, end of, because you cant do it any more. Put your foot down.

And if he doesn’t take you, your career or your concerns seriously then you have bigger problems than childcare

The problem sounds like your husband.

You need to pay for childcare or take annual leave. I'd be a bit 🤨 if you worked for me and had that for 6 weeks and every task took you twice as long.

Your husband isn't being unreasonable. He can't work from home.

(I say this as someone who works from home in my own business and has 2 kids at home currently)

Posted too soon.

He can't work from home but neither can you. He needs to support you in finding a childcare solution. Or you'll lose your career in the end

Yes Dh needs to push Boss. It's just not THAT important to Dh clearly. If they are teen and pre-teen, surely you can just go to the office anyway. Won't they be so busy playing x box they won't even notice you are gone? Or is that just me?

I don't think either of you can really wfh in the circumstances you describe. What would DC be doing if you were out at work? You need to do that. WFH helps save travel time and costs and means you can nip out to do a school run or similar, but it doesn't mean you can be there for DC all day.

He has sorted childcare, by giving his leave to it. He can't do childcare and work, as OP has found.

He doesn't want to pay for childcare, he thinks I can manage at home, I have told him I cant ( not 4/5 days a week anyway) but he just ignores it.

So just organise childcare - surely you don't need his permission to do so?

I think YABU to demand he WFH two days a week during summer holidays because it’s a shit idea that will solve nothing.

Youve said it’s nigh impossible for you to WFH with the DC constantly interrupting with fights and demands for screens/food. So the same would be true for your DH.

So the solution isn’t for him to WFH- It’s that you both need paid childcare, summer clubs/camps for the DC.

Besides, YABU as well to say your DH “just needs to organise WFH” and that “it’s not a priority for him” when you’ve said your DHs boss is the one that has to actually organise remote access for WFH. Your DH can’t exactly repeatedly chase his boss up now can he? There is an etiquette to reminding your line manager to do something and you cannot nag them about getting a promised favour for you without looking seriously unprofessional and wingey.

^This
You don’t need his permission. And hopefully you’ve got joint accounts. Just arrange summer child care.

I started out thinking that you were being unreasonable expecting either yourself or DH to be able to work from home with pre teens around. Now I get that you realise this, but DH doesn't because he's never experienced it, doesn't want to experience it, but thinks it's ok for you to do it all summer. He's trying to do it on the cheap whilst it's you who suffers the consequences. He needs to step up and WFH or pay for childcare. Not let your career and mental health suffer from his obstinate choices. He can choose not to pay for childcare only if he shares the WFH burden.

I would respond with OK what are you going to do for 3 days the following week? I need to be able to concentrate on work so either you wfh or we pay for childcare....

Op I think your dh needs an ultimatum. Along the lines of 'he needs to sort 2 days wfh and agree to paying for 1 day childcare for all holidays from now on because the current situation cannot continue.

Your employer is quite generous in allowing you to work from home whilst also looking after the children. Our employer (public sector) doesn't allow it at all. If children are in the house then there must be an alternative primary carer also present. And I don't disagree with them - as you have made clear, one cannot work and provide child care, no matter how "self-sufficient" they may be. The employer was very flexible on this matter during the lockdowns, but now it is an absolute. Anyone found breaking the rule is returned to the office full time.

He leaves at 7.30am and I log on then also
Any chance you can dash out of the house at 7.15 muttering important meeting, on calendar, sure you will sort something...

Wouldn't your employer have a problem with working and dealing with children at the same time?

I thought most didn't allow it