Disclosure made in therapy is being passed on as a safeguarding risk..

[Idontwantthat]

I'm having counselling and last week I disclosed that there had been S.A when I was young (this was 16 years ago)

During the opening few minutes of my session today my therapist said what we discussed was flagged as a (historical) safeguarding issue and it had to be passed on to social services as he's still out there. She wanted me to give his name and I very reluctantly did as it felt like I didn't have much choice and was under pressure.

I made it clear I don't want to speak to the police and I don't want my name mentioned to anybody and she said she would make a note of that.

I have a bad feeling now. I don't want her to do anything with the information. I know the statistics for prosecuting historical sex crimes and they don't weigh in the victims favour. I don't want to go back there. I mentioned it purely in a therapeutic manner so that I could process it and move on.

I don't think I'm going to feel comfortable disclosing anything else now.

Can somebody tell me if this is procedure or whether it's unacceptable?

Thank you, that means alot to me. On the rare occasion I've mentioned being a birth mum or said something negative about social services (max of three times in 7 or so years of me using the site) I was piled on and had some pretty shitty comments. I NC'd before each time and found the same person, an adopter actually, would make a point of undermining and belittling me. 'They' (im sure some will know who i mean) took great satisfaction in reminding me that im not my birth childs parent and said child is nothing to do with me anymore. Some projection on their part perhaps but it was so cuttiny. I'm very thankful that my DC's adopters are lovely people and have never spoken to me like that and don't think of me in that way (AFAIK!)

There's definitely a stigma that women who've had children removed must be an abusive parent, a drug addict or criminal. I was neither of those things. I didn't get to take my baby home let alone neglect them. The description you gave of what springs to mind when you hear birth parent is spot on and exactly what I was at the time.

My jaw hit the floor reading your last paragraph. How any professionals think it is in any way acceptable to support legally tying a victim to their abuser is beyond me. I just don't understand the logic, there is no logic there, its just fucking awful. You and your DC deserved so much better and I really hope life is beautiful for you now. Sending you huge UNmumsnetty hugs ❤️

I've just remembered something else the counsellors manager said to me on the phone which has got my back up.

I said to her that I'd learned to live with what happened over the years and it isn't something that affects my day to day life now however dragging me through this process almost certainly will have a detrimental effect on my mental health.

She asked if any of my children were the same age as I was at the time and I said no they're much younger, to which she replied "trauma like that isn't something that just goes away and if you have a daughter it will impact your relationship with her as you won't want her to leave the house, every time she does you'll be panicking"

How condescending is that? There might be some truth to the fact that an adult survivor of CSE is more predisposed to being more protective but to say that me not 'dealing with it' by going through this process is going to damage my relationship with my DD is just out of line.

Tbh this sounds like the way these sorts of therapies go these days.

or maybe always..but it seems like it's got worse, with inherited trauma etc etc.

sorry, I'm obviously biased!

These people sound like charlatans who shouldn't be anywhere near abuse/ trauma survivors.

I'm sorry this happened to you - you shouldn't feel threatened by being forced into disclosure in a safe space.

This happened to me when I was 15 and had gone to great lengths to seek help for what was happening. I said I'd made it up and never went back. If only someone had actually helped me!

This is weird. I really wonder if any of these people are trained therapists because as you say OP, you certainly shouldn't be telling someone how they will behave with their children. You might explore some possible behaviours that might arise from trauma but that would be explored gently and certainly not presented as a foregone conclusion.

I'm so sorry stillsleeptraining it's so angering seeing how many people have gone through something like this. Bollocks to those people and their nasal gazing so called safeguarding. I hope you're OK. Life is a minefield when you're trying to navigate it with that sort of baggage isn't it? Also solidarity on the sleep training I have an 8mo that still wakes 4-6 times per night 😵

PP who called them charlatans, yup that's a good description. Very fitting.

Surely they're not so naive that they don't realise they're causing actual damage to their clients, the ones they actually have a responsibility towards.

If I get any further contact about it I think I will say I made it up, or that I'd given a false name. I didn't do either of those things but it's the quickest way to get them off my case then so be it.

Imagine if I had made it up though.. how somebody could then have their whole life destroyed by overzealous safeguarders who just want to cover their own arse. Madness.

Absolutely.

I don't think they are properly trained therapists, atleast I hope not. I wouldn't wish this on any traumatised person. I got the overwhelming urge to just pack up and run away today, not at all practical as I have a house and kids but if I didn't have those responsibilities I would just leg it. They've made me feel so powerless and vulnerable.

I got an email from the counsellor this morning, see below:

Dear ....I called the (area) safeguarding team yesterday with the initial case information. I was told that a social worker would be calling back. I’ll try to get in touch with the team today and let you know the outcome. Best Wishes

I replied reiterating that I don't want any contact with them so to let them know that when they return her call not to contact me to participate in any information gathering. I added that I would be lodging a formal complaint.

I decided to contact that local authority myself in the heat of the moment. I said it's in regards to a report they've had this morning from a counsellor and could they add the following information to the log.

The name I gave is not the name of the person I spoke about, I purposefully changed the details to avoid exactly this happening, it's a breach of confidentiality, very historic and not relevant to anybody now. So that's that.

I won't be answering any more of her calls or emails now.

Fucking hell, they're really not listening to you. Do make an official complaint and forward it to OFSTED too since they seem to be so bothered about them. Perhaps leave a review on Google etc letting people know your experience so others are aware of what they can expect if they are survivors of abuse.

I am so sorry. I haven’t read the full thread only your comments. This doesn’t sound right to me. I am a trained therapist and am a member of the BACP. I don’t know any therapist who would have acted in this way. Not for historic abuse. Especially when combined with the knowledge that the person doesn’t have the same access to children.

Yup they're not listening to me at all. She knows I'm scared stiff of social services and not only is she abusing the trust I placed in her she's intent on keeping me in the thick of it with the continuing updates of her report.

Letting OFSTED know is a really good idea. How would I go about that? I know they're awaiting an inspection from them so now would be a good time to do it.

To the therapists on the thread who condemn what she's doing - thank you for having your clients best interests at heart.

Bloody hell. I think I've told about three counsellors/therapists and at least as many other psychiatric professionals about my childhood SA, and not once has anyone brought up anything to do safeguarding, or passing that information on anywhere. I'm so sorry OP!

Thank you ❤

It really pissed me off how they're citing people like Jimmy Saville. I reminded her manager yesterday that it's not a victims responsibility to manage or mitigate an abusers behaviour. Even If this person was Jimmy Saville himself it would change nothing.

I haven't made it worse by calling and saying its the wrong name have I? I'm over thinking everything now, only managed about 3 hours sleep and I'm so drained.

Good idea.

I think it's appalling you've had to go through this. The thing is that they've ridden roughshod over your wishes and feelings throughout and handled it in an extremely insensitive and unprofessional manner.

I would mention (if you decide to respond at all that is) that you've now contacted the social service dept in question, and you don't wish to engage with them further and will secure alternative counselling services. Or something like that!

I haven't made it worse by calling and saying its the wrong name have I? I'm over thinking everything now, only managed about 3 hours sleep and I'm so drained.

No. You said you changed details for privacy and so you could share in the counselling session. That sounds sensible and believable.

I don't think you've got anything to worry about - try to take a deep breath.

Adding a bit more of my story might help calm you down I hope. I actually spoke to the police about the abuse during the Me Too time and had two meetings with them (this was 20 years on). They handled it very very very sensitively, talked me through the process and didn't contact anyone until I'd given them the go ahead. And this is was someone who was dating women with children.

I didn't go through with it in the end as something changed, but his name was logged somewhere and I was told I would be contacted if there was ever another complaint (and then I would come forward again).

So I don't think you're going to be outed. Make your complaints but try to breathe and calm down.

Much love x

Idon'twantthat Have some unmumsnetty hugs back!

You do need to try and breathe, and space out what's happening. Eat well and look after yourself. This stuff sucks the breathe and stability we've built up over years from us in minutes.

I doubt I'm over projecting in saying this has partly thrown you mentally back to a time and place of lack of rights and power.
You aren't that person any more, and No IS a complete sentence.

There is a power game going on here. They've behaved as they have and now want you to get on board with it, understand them, accept their judgement, and talk to them and most of all accept them as knowing best, because they're the 'good responsible' people, doing 'the right thing' and they believe themselves to be the experts.

Maybe in their heads and world they are, but never under estimate the number of professionals and do-gooders who absolutely feed off the drama they create, and their sense of having a right to be powerfully in the center of it all.

Yes trauma doesn't just go away, but they have some nerve trying to tell you it will negatively affect your relationship with your daughter in the future if you don't stay with them and do things their way, and that you will automatically turn into some sort of armchair psychology trope! It's the professionals version of 'if you leave me no one else will ever love you!'

Everything has some affects on the relationships with our children, but IME as your children hit the ages you were when xy and z happened, you use your common sense, because you're not an idiot, and you know that stopping your child from developing does the opposite of protecting them, and because you've already brought them up with the stability, self worth, and confidence that they matter deeply and have adult back up, that you never had.

The worse that's likely to happen is you'll raise them well, and then have even more years you've burried stuff to unpick, when they're free flying.

Thank you ladies I appreciate the moral support.

I'm glad nobody thinks I've made it worse by telling SS that I gave a completely different name. They might see through it but they still can't do anything about it without proof.

That does really help still thank you for sharing that with me. I don't think I would be as stressed as I am if the counsellor had told me she's passing the information to the police as I know with them you can just refuse to engage and that's the end of it, it's the fact she has taken it to social services that has rattled me so much especially as she was sat opposite me saying how aghast she was at how badly they let me down. It makes no sense whatsoever does it?

Thank you Elle you're spot on as previously. It has taken me riiiiiight back. I broke down about it all this evening to my other half, he knew there was alot of shit in my past but he didn't know the extent of it so he's furious for me / at those lot.

I'm definitely not going to be having any more counselling with these people and they're frankly bonkers to assume I'd want it. I'm a little bit worried that I'll end up with a SS referral about me now that km refusing further counselling, under the guide of being concerned about my mental state after all of this trauma being brought back up.

I've drafted up a formal complaint I'm just not sure where to send it to. The counsellors manager was as bad as the counsellor and completely oblivious to the fact they've done anything wrong.

Mr. Idontwantthat said I should blast them all over Google reviews but as much as it might make me feel a bit better I don't see that actually doing much good 😳

My formal complaint has gone off to PAC UK, Family Action Group and OFSTED this afternoon.

That's a relief. Hopefully this doesn't happen again to somebody else.

Good for you, OP. It's really deflating that you have even had to resort to complaining to try and get them to listen to you and any future clients, afterall, that's what they are supposed to do.

Isn't it just! I'm not confident that my complaint will go anywhere in-house so I've got the details of my local government and social care ombudsman on hand to escalate it to them if I don't get a satisfactory response within 30 days.

I'm writing a separate email to the counsellor now telling her I will not be engaging in any further sessions with her and to refer to my complaint where I've outlined my reasoning.

Why did you tell her his name, she can't make you, if you didn't want to you didn't have to

I was put under pressure and made to feel as though I didn't have a choice.

I know now that I did have a choice but it didn't feel that way at the time, I felt completely ambushed.