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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell parents I'm in labour

98 replies

Wdib78 · 27/07/2022 20:39

Title pretty much describes it!
I'm due to give birth any day now, I would prefer to keep it quiet from everyone in my life, that's parents, Ext family , friends when I actually go to the hospital.
The first people to know when LO is born will be my parents, and my DP can obviously let his brother/ sister know, we are NC with MIL.
My dad is adamant that I must ring/ text when I go into hospital, I said that you'll be the first to know when baby is born!
He proceeded to whine in a childlike voice "we want to know"
I repeated that they will be the first to know when baby is born.
It quite upset me that he can't just respect my wishes that I don't want people on tenterhooks waiting for me to physically give birth once in the hospital.
Again today they popped round and basically told me I HAVE to tell him when I go to hospital because he's "pestered" by not knowing,
I said you do realise that just because I go to the hospital doesn't mean the bany will be born soon thereafter?
I said I didn't want people then calling/ texting waiting updates as to what is happening!
I repeated again that they would be the first to know of baby's arrival!
What they don't know is I've had a tough week waiting on induction with the balloon, and having it fitted, being ill with it, removed, awaiting water's breaking etc
I can just imagine the added stress I would have had having to keep them informed, when this past week has been pretty horrendous.
The more he presses to be told and tries to bully me into what he wants the more I'll push away and be adamant not to tell them.
Does anyone know a fairly polite way to firmly get my point across?
Oh and to add to it he said to my DP he was leaving it to him then to text instead, I nearly said you dont seem to realise that he'll do as I ask and NOT message you 😅

OP posts:
Thatboymum · 27/07/2022 21:09

They are obviously just excited and maybe also worried about there own baby(yous) health I think your being a bit selfish and over dramatic but at the end of the day your body your choice.

Original poster
Wdib78 · 27/07/2022 21:11

Thanks for all your replies, it has taken 16 years, 4 rounds of IVF and £20k to get here, they don't know about our fertility problems, just assumed I was a disappointment for not producing grandchildren.
I just don't want anyone thinking about me in hospital in agony pushing a melon sized object out of my privates.
Whenever friends or sister in law were in labour I couldn't settle wondering how they were doing, I'd rather just be told " baby's here"
To those saying I should tell them as I'm their child, hmm having had my childhood and being told I'm a mistake amongst other insults ( I won't describe the rest, too outing) perhaps if he wanted me to tell him about me going into hospital he should have thought about the impact his nastiness in childhood has continued to affect me all my life.

OP posts:
miltonj · 27/07/2022 21:12

They'll just be worried and want to know you're ok. I know I would be of my DD was in labour. They're not trying to be annoying, they care about you. A quick text from your partner to let them know you're in the hospital and you're doing ok is not much to ask!

georgarina · 27/07/2022 21:13

Oh God, don't tell them.
I did and they showed up panicking at my house and then later at the hospital.
Sooo much unnecessary drama!

miltonj · 27/07/2022 21:14

Ok well your update changes things slightly. If you don't have a good relationship with him, then yeah it's up to you.

Squiff70 · 27/07/2022 21:24

Your baby, your rules. You don't "have to" do anything just because other people are demanding it. Being your dad doesn't give him control over your life.

Tell him as much or as little as you want but only when you're ready and not a second before.

Ragwort · 27/07/2022 21:26

Of course you don't need to tell them, it didn't even occur to me to tell anyone when I went into labour ... is nothing private these days?
If your Dad is really going on and on about it just lie 'yes, I'll let you know' ... and then don't.
And equally I would not want or need to know if my DS's partner was in labour .... unless I was needed for childcare or similar. Too many people seem to want to over complicate their lives and expect to know 'everything'. I still remember the phone call I made from hospital to tell my DM when my DS was born after an EMCS and being knocked out by the GA - it was a lovely moment. Thank goodness well before SM when everything has to be 'instant'.

ShirleyPhallus · 27/07/2022 21:27

Badger1970 · 27/07/2022 21:04

Gosh, what dreadful people they are wanting to know that you've gone into labour and how dare they be worried about you Hmm

One day you'll be that parent OP wanting to know if your son/daughter is OK.

Who has said they’re dreadful people?

MummaTrinee · 27/07/2022 21:30

I wouldn't waste your energy arguing the point. I'd be tempted to say 'yeah, yeah, yeah, of course' just to stop the nagging. But at that time you do what you want. It's your birth not theirs.

Holly60 · 27/07/2022 21:34

Wdib78 · 27/07/2022 21:11

Thanks for all your replies, it has taken 16 years, 4 rounds of IVF and £20k to get here, they don't know about our fertility problems, just assumed I was a disappointment for not producing grandchildren.
I just don't want anyone thinking about me in hospital in agony pushing a melon sized object out of my privates.
Whenever friends or sister in law were in labour I couldn't settle wondering how they were doing, I'd rather just be told " baby's here"
To those saying I should tell them as I'm their child, hmm having had my childhood and being told I'm a mistake amongst other insults ( I won't describe the rest, too outing) perhaps if he wanted me to tell him about me going into hospital he should have thought about the impact his nastiness in childhood has continued to affect me all my life.

These threads always seem to be about one thing but then end up about something else (often the same thing)

Why didn't you title it 'I dislike my parents, how can I punish them?'

I'm not saying you are wrong just that you are pretending (to yourself?) that it is about one thing when really it's about something much more deeply rooted.

Holly60 · 27/07/2022 21:39

Also - no of course you don't have to tell them. It's 100% your decision

toomuchlaundry · 27/07/2022 21:41

We didn't tell anyone, but I started contractions at midnight, went into hospital at 3am and had DS at 6am, so didn't want to disturb anyone's sleep. I also had complications after giving birth, so waited until that was sorted before phoning family.

Redglitter · 27/07/2022 21:41

Easy option is tell them you'll text then forget on the day.

My brother never told anyone when my SIL went into labour with their first. Never crossed my parents minds to be put out they were just so excited to be grandparents

Do what you're happy with

FlorettaB · 27/07/2022 21:45

Ignore the drama llamas. Just smile and nod at your father and then do what you were going to do anyway. Nobody needs to know the minute you go into labour or needs an hourly update on how many cm dilated you are.

Evianna83 · 27/07/2022 21:47

No fucking way! My MIL insisted we text her as soon as I went into labour. I did not text her. Unsurprisingly I had other priorities. She had to get over it.

Cocopogo · 27/07/2022 21:48

Maybe he’s just concerned for your well-being? I’d be gutted if it was my daughter too. But you do what you want.

HernamewasMary · 27/07/2022 21:52

TBH you sound as though you might be starting labour if you forgive me saying. I remember getting really ratty with everyone when I started?

takeitandleaveit · 27/07/2022 21:53

Ah. Well your latest update does change things somewhat.

What does your mum say in all this? Or is your dad so domineering that your mum doesn't get much of a say anyway?

DashboardConfessional · 27/07/2022 21:58

I wouldn't tell mine again (not that we are having another). My mum is still pissed off with me for not updating (bear in mind I had the pessary at 1pm and gave birth 5 hours later - I didn't even see my phone in that time). MiL rang the bloody ward!

DH sent a text within minutes with a photo then rang them. I don't think they understood that inductions can take days.

ShirleyPhallus · 27/07/2022 22:20

Holly60 · 27/07/2022 21:34

These threads always seem to be about one thing but then end up about something else (often the same thing)

Why didn't you title it 'I dislike my parents, how can I punish them?'

I'm not saying you are wrong just that you are pretending (to yourself?) that it is about one thing when really it's about something much more deeply rooted.

Show quote history

What a horrible post

HernamewasMary · 27/07/2022 23:09

It is your day but seriously you are quite lucky that your parents are both alive and concerned. My mum was just brilliant after my DS was born on her birthday. I treasure the photos of her with him that day and all the days after. I'd give anything to have here there at difficult times now tbh. I hope all goes well for you

saraclara · 27/07/2022 23:19

HernamewasMary · 27/07/2022 23:09

It is your day but seriously you are quite lucky that your parents are both alive and concerned. My mum was just brilliant after my DS was born on her birthday. I treasure the photos of her with him that day and all the days after. I'd give anything to have here there at difficult times now tbh. I hope all goes well for you

People don't have to put up with unreasonable behaviour from their parents, simply because other people's parents have sadly died.

I'm a widow. I don't go round telling everyone who's complaining about unreasonable behaviour from their DH's that should stop moaning because they're lucky to have a husband.

I'm sorry about your mum, but you really need to stop with this kind of post.

saraclara · 27/07/2022 23:21

Anyway, my daughter said week before the baby was due, that she wouldn't be letting anyone know when she why into labour. That plan failed spectacularly when her waters broke while she was out with me and her sister!

saraclara · 27/07/2022 23:22

Ugh. WELL before the baby was due..

Confusion101 · 27/07/2022 23:23

@saraclara agreed. An attempt to make OP feel guilty. Their knowledge of if OP is in labour or not has nothing to do with that post 🤷🏼‍♀️