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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel a bit uncomfortable about this?

68 replies

Loulou122 · 27/07/2022 10:49

My husband stayed away from home at an event over the weekend on his own and chatted to a woman a few times when they kept seeing each other in the same places. She gave him her contact details on an item that advertises her business, and he contacted her a few times using these details, including in the middle of the night while still at the event, when he stopped en route home, and shortly after he got home. It was an innocent conversation about nothing, but she said she was hoping he'd get in touch.

When he got home, he told me about her, and a woman that had directly hit on him. But he didn't tell me he'd contacted the first woman, and that he was intending on continuing to contact her.

Aibu to find this a bit...off? I do trust him, and he's never given me any reason not to trust him before. I don't think anything happened. But I wish he'd been upfront about wanting to keep in contact with her.

Situation not helped by her being a decade younger than us. He admitted he's sexually attracted to her, and had a physical reaction to her dancing with another girl. We've been through a rough time recently but not because of our relationship, mostly external factors. He's been struggling with his mental health and work situation a bit and has taken it out on me at points. And I've been having a rough time because of health and potential infertility. Our relationship is generally great and we've been together a long time, it's just been tough the last few months. Maybe I'm being a bit sensitive because of these things? I just wish he'd told me? I feel like it wouldn't have been an issue if he had. He left out what is to my mind, a really important bit? He initially didn't see what the problem was, but says he gets it now.

OP posts:
blinder · 27/07/2022 10:52

When you say “an innocent conversation about nothing” I am wondering was it an excuse to keep on chatting? Small talk isn’t nothing - it’s often a prelude.

But if it was about practical immediate things like the location of meetings, that is genuinely nothing.

what was the conversation about?

Loulou122 · 27/07/2022 10:53

I probably should have added this for context - they have a shared interest and he wanted to keep talking to her about this hobby

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girlmom21 · 27/07/2022 10:53

He admitted he's sexually attracted to her, and had a physical reaction to her dancing with another girl.

This is the issue. I thought you were overreacting until I got to this bit. He wants to have regular contact with a woman he's sexually attracted to who's clearly interested in him to some degree too. That's completely inappropriate.

RunningFromInsanity · 27/07/2022 10:54

He admitted he's sexually attracted to her, and had a physical reaction to her dancing with another girl.
I can’t imagine ever telling my partner this.

Whataretheodds · 27/07/2022 10:57

Has he acknowledged that it would be totally inappropriate for him to stay in contact with her?

Loulou122 · 27/07/2022 10:58

@blinder - that's my feeling too. They were talking about the event they'd been at, but nothing necessary to say?

Things like talking about legs hurting from jumping and dancing, and being glad to not be sleeping in a tent any more. Spread across several messages. He instigated the conversation, and it did feel like he was trying to prolong it.

He was okay with me showing me these messages.

I've tried to get him to acknowledge that at the very least he was flattered by her engaging with him, but he's not budging.

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Starlight86 · 27/07/2022 11:00

He admitted he's sexually attracted to her, and had a physical reaction to her dancing with another girl.

I find it strange that he chose to admit this to you because whilst my opinion is that many people are sexually aroused and have physical reactions to situations but will never cheat, the fact that he said this to you seems to me like he wants some sort of reaction from you, it almost sounds passive aggressive or like he wants you to doubt yourself.

Id question this alot.

Loulou122 · 27/07/2022 11:01

@Whataretheodds - he has now, yes. He would have continued messaging her if I hadn't asked him directly if he'd swapped details with her. And wouldn't have thought there was an issue with that.

We are open with each other normally, and I actually appreciate that. It's a normal human thing to find people attractive. But not to maintain contact with them without telling your partner, when you are married?

I still very much don't think anything happened, but I do feel uncomfortable about him omitting to tell me he'd contacted her and wanted to continue doing so.

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FlowerArranger · 27/07/2022 11:05

I do feel uncomfortable about him omitting to tell me he'd contacted her and wanted to continue doing so

And you have every right and indeed are wise to feel this way. You need to nip this in the bud!

forlornlorna1 · 27/07/2022 11:05

I wouldn't tell my dh if I was sexually attracted to another man. Firstly because it doesn't matter becauseI would never act on it, and secondly because I am pretty sure it wouldn't make him feel too good. And I'd never want to hurt or upset him intentionally.

Puzzles me why he felt the need to tell you these things

Staynow · 27/07/2022 11:06

Tell him you appreciate his honesty but you're not comfortable with him keeping in touch with a random women 10 years younger than him that he fancies. If he in any way suggests he won't stop this 'friendship' then his priorities are very messed up and you know you're no longer at the top. From what you've said I'd be concerned that he's not happy in your relationship any more and has started 'innocently' exploring if he has other options.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/07/2022 11:14

So he's admitted he got turned on watching her dance with another woman and is physically attracted to her, but lied about keeping in touch? His boundaries seems all out of kilter. And unless it's a sexual thing you both enjoy, I don't think telling your partner who you got turned on watching today is a great plan.

Loulou122 · 27/07/2022 11:14

We've always based our relationship on very open honesty. We got together young and he's my first partner (and I'm only his second). I think the fact we've always been very open and he hasn't been fully this time is what stings? I asked him directly if we was attracted to her when all this unfolded, and I'd rather he answered honestly, even if it's not the answer I'd like. I don't think he told me to unsettle me, think he was just being honest.

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whoknowswhat1 · 27/07/2022 11:15

I feel like he has told you these random tidbits of information so that if he ever did cheat and you caught on or saw brief bits of their conversation then he could like 'I told you about x and it's completely innocent. Why would I have told you if I was cheating' so therefore trying to cover his tracks to make himself look innocent.

The sexual attraction thing is extremely odd too. That would make me feel sick if my husband told me that. I completely appreciate that we are all going to find people sexually attractive but there's no need to tell our partners this in graphic detail like that.

10HailMarys · 27/07/2022 11:25

He admitted he's sexually attracted to her, and had a physical reaction to her dancing with another girl.

I was thinking you were overreacting until you mentioned this part.

Mollymoostoo · 27/07/2022 11:27

whoknowswhat1 · 27/07/2022 11:15

I feel like he has told you these random tidbits of information so that if he ever did cheat and you caught on or saw brief bits of their conversation then he could like 'I told you about x and it's completely innocent. Why would I have told you if I was cheating' so therefore trying to cover his tracks to make himself look innocent.

The sexual attraction thing is extremely odd too. That would make me feel sick if my husband told me that. I completely appreciate that we are all going to find people sexually attractive but there's no need to tell our partners this in graphic detail like that.

This was my thought. He is drip feeding to test the waters and to cover his own back.
I don't think it is fair to tell partners they got turned on by someone unless this is part of the relationship. Is this something you would have told him?
Being open and honest does not mean it is okay.

Ontomatopea · 27/07/2022 11:31

10HailMarys · 27/07/2022 11:25

He admitted he's sexually attracted to her, and had a physical reaction to her dancing with another girl.

I was thinking you were overreacting until you mentioned this part.

Same.

caringcarer · 27/07/2022 11:41

I would be telling him it is totally inappropriate to continue to have unnecessary conversations with a woman he gets turned on by. It will lead to at least an emotional affair but possibly a full blown affair. I would be telling him block her number. No more contact as it is upsetting for you.

allboysherebutme · 27/07/2022 11:43

Would not be happy at all. X

allboysherebutme · 27/07/2022 11:44

All relationships start somewhere id. Be very cautious. X

KittyEmK · 27/07/2022 11:45

I think it's amazing that you have such an open relationship, that to me is very very healthy. I can understand why you feel concerned about this interaction though. Have you told him how this has made you feel?

allboysherebutme · 27/07/2022 11:45

Meant to say very watchful. X

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/07/2022 11:53

What’s good is that he’s very open with you.

However if he’s sexually attracted to her, they can’t start up a friendship, or even an active acquaintance based on their shared interest. End of. He needs to delete her details so their is no temptation and forget it.

I absolutely think men and women can be friends (my partner and I both have opposite sex friends), but you can’t start a friendship on this basis.

Just explain this calmly to him. I don’t think you should be annoyed with him, as he’s been very honest and he just sounds a bit naive to me.

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/07/2022 11:53

THERE is no temptation

Loulou122 · 27/07/2022 11:54

He's said he's not going to contact her again and I believe him. He originally seemed confused why I was upset he hadn't mentioned he was contacting her.

Him sharing who he is attracted to isn't part of our relationship. He's just always been very upfront about the fact that men do look at women in that way, and that there's not anything to it. He doesn't point women out or anything, I asked him directly. The alternative would have been to lie, and he knows I'd hate that. He's never given me reason to mistrust him in the past, but I would also say that he's not had much opportunity. He works with men, has traditionally 'male' hobbies, and we spend most of our spare time together. I think he's been a bit naive and stupid in a new situation. We met so young that he never went out to meet women.

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