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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel a bit uncomfortable about this?

68 replies

Loulou122 · 27/07/2022 10:49

My husband stayed away from home at an event over the weekend on his own and chatted to a woman a few times when they kept seeing each other in the same places. She gave him her contact details on an item that advertises her business, and he contacted her a few times using these details, including in the middle of the night while still at the event, when he stopped en route home, and shortly after he got home. It was an innocent conversation about nothing, but she said she was hoping he'd get in touch.

When he got home, he told me about her, and a woman that had directly hit on him. But he didn't tell me he'd contacted the first woman, and that he was intending on continuing to contact her.

Aibu to find this a bit...off? I do trust him, and he's never given me any reason not to trust him before. I don't think anything happened. But I wish he'd been upfront about wanting to keep in contact with her.

Situation not helped by her being a decade younger than us. He admitted he's sexually attracted to her, and had a physical reaction to her dancing with another girl. We've been through a rough time recently but not because of our relationship, mostly external factors. He's been struggling with his mental health and work situation a bit and has taken it out on me at points. And I've been having a rough time because of health and potential infertility. Our relationship is generally great and we've been together a long time, it's just been tough the last few months. Maybe I'm being a bit sensitive because of these things? I just wish he'd told me? I feel like it wouldn't have been an issue if he had. He left out what is to my mind, a really important bit? He initially didn't see what the problem was, but says he gets it now.

OP posts:
PixieLaLa · 27/07/2022 20:13

He's said he finds her prettier than me (and that it's because she's younger)

What an awful thing to say, why is he even comparing you physically? It’s clear he didn’t just see this as an innocent friendship.

Loulou122 · 27/07/2022 20:24

I'm asking questions I probably don't want the answer to. He's not volunteering it without me prompting him. Stupid of me. I have him several opportunities to reassure me and he just brought up my personality. It shouldn't matter, but other people have told me I'm beautiful and pretty in the past. I can't help the fact I've aged since we met.

I'm completely gutted. Can't see how I'm ever going to feel good enough again.

OP posts:
Loulou122 · 27/07/2022 21:37

Has anyone got any tips for rebuilding some kind of level of trust after something like this?

OP posts:
blinder · 27/07/2022 22:08

Oof it’s going to be difficult to recover your self esteem, let alone the trust. I find these details very callous and perhaps even a bit cruel. Has he tried to comfort you at all?

Personally, in your position, I wouldn’t be having a healthy reaction to this. I would be distancing myself and going off him at 90mph, to be honest. It seems like he sees you as “less than” somehow, and that is most definitely untrue. I would never want to have to earn someone’s love and appreciation, so he would be plummeting in my estimation I’m afraid! Who’s the catch here? The loyal and loving woman or the shallow and unreliable man?

Hopefully someone with more a balanced perspective will be along to advise!

Wimblepeep · 27/07/2022 22:48

The grass grows where you water it. He’s actively choosing to focus on women who are not you, and now he’s being purposefully cruel. I wouldn’t put up with either. You’re worth so much more.

GeriTheBerry · 27/07/2022 22:55

KittyEmK · 27/07/2022 11:45

I think it's amazing that you have such an open relationship, that to me is very very healthy. I can understand why you feel concerned about this interaction though. Have you told him how this has made you feel?

Completely disagree with this. It sounds to me as if he’s being cruel and possibly manipulative/emotionally abusive. Trying to keep you in your place by negging you and suggesting he has other options. Sounds awful.

Loulou122 · 27/07/2022 23:35

I feel so very alone right now. My mum's nearly died twice, and I've found out I'm likely to be infertile - both in the last month. We were supposed to be moving and making a decision about children and everything just looks completely bleak now.

OP posts:
crochetmonkey74 · 27/07/2022 23:39

Op I have a friend who had almost the exact same happen 19 months ago. She was heartbroken beyond words as her fiancee up and left one night. Yesterday she phoned to say that she is pregnant with her lovely new bloke . There are people out there who want to love you and cherish you. He is not one of those people. Who can you talk to in real life? How about a friend or family member?

Loulou122 · 27/07/2022 23:40

I'm never going to be able to trust him 100% again and it just hurts.

I'm only in my early thirties, I'm not exactly old. Not that it should matter if I was. He was with me when I was at my most attractive too. I don't feel like I look vastly different

OP posts:
Loulou122 · 27/07/2022 23:42

I've spoken to my mum but feel awful for burdening her. I wanted her to feel reassured that I would be looked after if she wasn't around any more.

Hoping to meet with a friend who knows us both well, have had a brief discussion with her.

OP posts:
Loulou122 · 27/07/2022 23:44

I don't know if I'm being stupid but I do think we can get through it. It's just never going to be quite the same. I've spent almost half my life with him. Gutted doesn't cover it.

OP posts:
crochetmonkey74 · 27/07/2022 23:54

OP he has behaved terribly but he's managed to get you blaming your own looks.
Your looks really don't matter. Some of the most beautiful women in the world have been cheated on, it's about him and his awful character , not your looks

RosyappleA · 28/07/2022 00:05

@Mollymoostoo ”He is drip feeding to test the waters and to cover his own back”
Exactly my thoughts

I really hope that is the end of this OP. Keep an eye

WinterMusings · 28/07/2022 00:09

DrManhattan · 27/07/2022 16:49

Hes a right joker. Bin him off

Are you 14?

they're married, you don't just 'bin him off' as if you're teenagers dating!

WinterMusings · 28/07/2022 00:22

You've been with him all your adult life, he's the only man you've had sex with, you thought you were going to grow old together. It's a LOT to turn your back on.

However, the damage he's done to your relationship can't be undone. You can't 'unknow' what he's said about her & about you. You'll never again feel secure & that he's your 'one'

I think for your own sake, you need to walk away from your marriage, take the good memories & leave the pain & disappointment.

I understand you think this will hurt & upset your mum, but reassure her you're good on your own two feet & in time will find someone you love who loves you & hopefully have children with them.

you're still young, don't throw away the possibility of being really happy with someone else, who think you are their everything, just because you've already spent x years with DH.

DH has behaved horribly, he wanted to hurt you. There's more to what happened with this woman than he's admitted so far.

whether you 'think' he'd cheat on you or not is irrelevant, the VAST majority of women who have been cheated on didn't think their husbands would either as they weren't the type/didn't have the opportunity/think cheating is disgusting.

staying together for the next 40 years doesn't make sense just because you've spent 15 years together already

you're worth more than this.

DrManhattan · 28/07/2022 10:21

@WinterMusings
No I'm not 14. Great comment BTW
You can bin someone off when you are married, what's she meant to do, stick with someone who makes her feel like shit? Life is too short to put up with that level of rubbish from anyone.

WinterMusings · 28/07/2022 10:53

DrManhattan · 28/07/2022 10:21

@WinterMusings
No I'm not 14. Great comment BTW
You can bin someone off when you are married, what's she meant to do, stick with someone who makes her feel like shit? Life is too short to put up with that level of rubbish from anyone.

Does my post that you've just posted directly under, indicate I think she should stay with him?

no it doesn't not.

but you don't 'bin him off' like a 14 yo when you're married, no.

a single line 'bin him off'. Is hardly a helpful, thoughtful response to a married person.

DrManhattan · 28/07/2022 10:58

@WinterMusings
But ultimately that's what she should do.
I would only read your posts that mention me

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