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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit uncomfortable about this?

68 replies

Loulou122 · 27/07/2022 10:49

My husband stayed away from home at an event over the weekend on his own and chatted to a woman a few times when they kept seeing each other in the same places. She gave him her contact details on an item that advertises her business, and he contacted her a few times using these details, including in the middle of the night while still at the event, when he stopped en route home, and shortly after he got home. It was an innocent conversation about nothing, but she said she was hoping he'd get in touch.

When he got home, he told me about her, and a woman that had directly hit on him. But he didn't tell me he'd contacted the first woman, and that he was intending on continuing to contact her.

Aibu to find this a bit...off? I do trust him, and he's never given me any reason not to trust him before. I don't think anything happened. But I wish he'd been upfront about wanting to keep in contact with her.

Situation not helped by her being a decade younger than us. He admitted he's sexually attracted to her, and had a physical reaction to her dancing with another girl. We've been through a rough time recently but not because of our relationship, mostly external factors. He's been struggling with his mental health and work situation a bit and has taken it out on me at points. And I've been having a rough time because of health and potential infertility. Our relationship is generally great and we've been together a long time, it's just been tough the last few months. Maybe I'm being a bit sensitive because of these things? I just wish he'd told me? I feel like it wouldn't have been an issue if he had. He left out what is to my mind, a really important bit? He initially didn't see what the problem was, but says he gets it now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loulou122 · 27/07/2022 11:59

(not that he was going out to meet women in this case, but that chatting to women in a social capacity isn't something he's really done)

OP posts:
Original poster
Loulou122 · 27/07/2022 12:07

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/07/2022 11:53

What’s good is that he’s very open with you.

However if he’s sexually attracted to her, they can’t start up a friendship, or even an active acquaintance based on their shared interest. End of. He needs to delete her details so their is no temptation and forget it.

I absolutely think men and women can be friends (my partner and I both have opposite sex friends), but you can’t start a friendship on this basis.

Just explain this calmly to him. I don’t think you should be annoyed with him, as he’s been very honest and he just sounds a bit naive to me.

I think this is the closest to how I feel about it at the moment. I don't think there was any intention there, but he's been thoughtless. Him initially saying he didn't see what the problem was threw me (hence why I posted). He didn't seem to understand that feelings could develop, he's been adamant that he only wants me and it hadn't even occurred to him to try and start anything other than a friendship or a momentary discussion with this girl. But that just feels very naive to me, if I'm taking it at face value. After initially being confused, I'd say he's 90% accepted how I'm feeling now.

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 27/07/2022 12:08

RunningFromInsanity · 27/07/2022 10:54

He admitted he's sexually attracted to her, and had a physical reaction to her dancing with another girl.
I can’t imagine ever telling my partner this.

Wtf?!

"Oh yes babe, I had a hard on while I saw this woman dancing with another woman,done worry, nothing's going on all perfectly innocent"

Righto 🙄

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 27/07/2022 12:08

**don't worry

whoknowswhat1 · 27/07/2022 12:23

Loulou122 · 27/07/2022 11:54

He's said he's not going to contact her again and I believe him. He originally seemed confused why I was upset he hadn't mentioned he was contacting her.

Him sharing who he is attracted to isn't part of our relationship. He's just always been very upfront about the fact that men do look at women in that way, and that there's not anything to it. He doesn't point women out or anything, I asked him directly. The alternative would have been to lie, and he knows I'd hate that. He's never given me reason to mistrust him in the past, but I would also say that he's not had much opportunity. He works with men, has traditionally 'male' hobbies, and we spend most of our spare time together. I think he's been a bit naive and stupid in a new situation. We met so young that he never went out to meet women.

The part I find not normal is telling you about having a physical reaction to them dancing. That's the bit I find extremely uncomfortable, and for him to then make contact with her. There's just no way I could see that as innocent.

It's totally normal to find other women attractive, he's right but the physical reaction part is just icky in my opinion and not something you need to know no matter how open and honest you both are.

Original poster
Loulou122 · 27/07/2022 12:38

If I take him responding to my question to admit he was attracted to her out of the equation, he would have been telling me lies? I didn't need to know the details, but I think he just blurted that out.

I hate to say this, but I think most men evaluate how attractive women are in the moment constantly. I don't have a problem with him admitting that he does it, especially because he's never given me a reason not to trust him until now, but it just seems naive and stupid to me that he didn't realise it was inappropriate to keep in touch? And to tell me part of the story (which I appreciated), but leave this bit out?

I do feel very conflicted over it. Because of course you never think it will happen to you, or be your husband doing it. I think he was flattered she was engaging with him and hasn't acknowledged that to me or himself. But it's not a familiar situation for him. I believe him that nothing further happened.

OP posts:
Peashoots · 27/07/2022 12:46

Why would he tell you he’s sexually attracted to her?! So hurtful. YANBU.

Eviebeans · 27/07/2022 13:03

I'm trying to imagine how my partner would feel if I told him something like this or vice versa.
I think neither of us would be happy.
It sounds as if your partner is testing your boundaries.

Coffeeenema · 27/07/2022 13:07

I'm really sorry to say this but this sounds like an affair waiting to happen....

knittingaddict · 27/07/2022 13:28

Hiding in plain sight comes to mind. Probably down playing what happened too. Also keeping you on your toes.

If he had nipped it in the bud and not encouraged it he would have noreason to tell you any of that. You have to ask yourself what his motives are and I can't honestly think of any good ones.

Original poster
Loulou122 · 27/07/2022 14:58

He's denying the hard on bit now. Said he didn't say that.

OP posts:
FrankLampardsBrokenHand · 27/07/2022 16:02

When I read the first part of your post I was a bit on the fence because sometimes you just meet people you click with on a friendship sort of level. The amount of contact straight away would have me wary.

But him saying he basically got turned on by watching her dancing with another woman, and he's attracted to her? Nope. That "friendship" would be straight in the bin or he would.

Newmumatlast · 27/07/2022 16:05

*He admitted he's sexually attracted to her, and had a physical reaction to her dancing with another girl

Newmumatlast · 27/07/2022 16:08

Oops pressed post too soon. But that is the bit I would be concerned about. Sometimes people are overly honest to cheat in plain sight. You can have an emotional relationship even if not physical and con yourself and your partner into thinking it's OK because it's not physical. That's what he seems to be setting up here. He wants to keep talking to this woman, who he says he finds sexually attractive, when really there is no need to do that at all. And he is telling you so it is innocent and above board and enabled. That isn't ok. I dont understand why he called her on the way home (if I read it right) either and not you instead for a chat. Alarm bells.

FrankLampardsBrokenHand · 27/07/2022 16:08

I've no issue at all with my husband finding other women attractive, or being friends with women.

But I'd have a bloody enormous issue if he actively tried to start a friendship with a woman who he was so attracted to that he got an erection from watching her. Its such a weird thing to tell you!

Samarie123 · 27/07/2022 16:14

It almost seems as though - as long as he tells you then you are ok with it?

Original poster
Loulou122 · 27/07/2022 16:42

Samarie123 · 27/07/2022 16:14

It almost seems as though - as long as he tells you then you are ok with it?

Not at all, @Samarie123 - I'm devastated.

But I do want to believe him. We've been together my whole adult life. I thought he was better than this, I'm gutted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loulou122 · 27/07/2022 16:42

I've really gone downhill this afternoon. Very upset.

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 27/07/2022 16:49

Hes a right joker. Bin him off

crochetmonkey74 · 27/07/2022 16:55

Ugh god I hate these men that behave appalingly and wrap it up in 'honesty'

HotWashCycle · 27/07/2022 17:15

I get the feeling he is minimising the experience in his own mind, OP because he is in denial about wanting to see this woman again. It sounds as though he cannot or does not fully acknowledge to himself what his wishes are. Am sorry that this will not be helpful to you, He may need a bit of time to process his thoughts and feelings.

Original poster
Loulou122 · 27/07/2022 17:47

He's said he finds her prettier than me (and that it's because she's younger)

He keeps arguing he only wants to be with me though.

I'm completely devastated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loulou122 · 27/07/2022 17:47

I don't know how to come back from this. I've spent the whole of my adult life with him and the rest of my life is a car crash.

OP posts:
crochetmonkey74 · 27/07/2022 17:53

OP he is being needlessly cruel. He feels emboldened to say these awful things to you under the guise of being a good guy, and being honest. He doesn't love you. He can't, if he is willing to be so nasty. Please talk to someone in real life. You do not have to be treated like this

PointyMcguire · 27/07/2022 19:52

OP it sounds like he’s gone from openly honest to unnecessarily cruel. I can’t see a world where he ever needed to tell you he finds her prettier than you, and regardless of inexperience in terms of relationships he must realise how devastating those words would be. At first I hoped it was just naivety, but I’m now wondering if he’s minimising the whole thing and there’s actually more to the story.