Friend having an affair

[Desperado99]

AIBU to cut off a friend for having an affair?

She had been married for several years - she started having an affair with someone from work (he was married and had just had a baby). The affair started between her first and second child.

She dragged us into it by telling us about it. I was friends with her husband. He got suspicious and understandably upset a year or so after it went on - although she never admitted to it - she just went on to have another baby.

My heart broke for her current husband as he is a lovely man - and it did not sit right with me attending events at his home with them both knowing full well what she was upto. She continues to play happy families on social media. I withdrew from the friendship.

I have not spoken to her in about a year. Never told her the reasons and in all fairness she never got in touch with me either. I did send her a nice message when her second child was born.

To play devils advocate I have no real idea her reasons to jump into another mans arms - particularly one who has just himself had a baby. His social media is very similar with family pictures. Its all a pantomime really that I did not want to take any part in.

AIBU

Yanbu, I couldn't associate with someone who has such morals.

You have not spoken to her in about a year, looks like you have already made the decision

If you haven’t spoken in a year why are you invested in this?

Not sure what you are posting for. It's been a year without being in contact. Presumably you therefore have no idea of the current state of things. None of us have a clue what goes on with other people.

If you haven't spoken to her in a year I think you've made your decision and she knows it.

I am posting about it now as I spoke to my friend about it today - we were talling about reasons for people having an affair and it can be an unmet need.

I then started to feel I was a bit harsh for cutting her off a year ago.

I just wanted a general consenses if people feel similar or just say nothing and continue the friendship as before.

*another friend

How does she know who the father is to her baby? If I was her husband, I'd want a paternity test. Even if she wasn't sleeping with the affair partner at the time, she's a cheat, could have been out shagging anything. Maybe you should be an actual friend to him and warn him of that possibility.

I have not told him I know about the affair. I withdrew like a coward.

Some of the other woman do know and continue to attend their social events (think typical BBQs, dinner nights, weekends away).

I think you're being a bit judgmental. Do you live a completely moral life?

I have several friends who've had affairs or been OW. I don't think other people's (consensual) sex lives are any of my business. My friendship has nothing to do with their 'morals' or whatever you want to call it. You have a different view and I think that's entirely reasonable given you're friends with her DH.

However I do think it's odd you went NC with her a year ago but still are monitoring hers & OM's social media. It seems you are invested.

Thanks for your point of view.

This was the reason why I posted. I wanted to see what others opinions were before I take the entire moral high ground so thank you. I have never had an affair but understand there can be complex reasons to do so.

YANBU don't get drawn in.
However, YABU got talking to a friend about it - if you stay out of it you need to be completely out of it.

I have not spoken to her in about a year.

Well, job done then. Not sure why you're posting?

It's not really judgemental though, is it? And on that note, have you never judged anyone for something before? I think op has been pretty restrained by not telling the husband, who she likes.

As PP / spoke to a friend today about reasons for affair and reflected on this situation.

@leonpride well it is judgemental because the OP made up her mind to cut her friend off because she considers her friend has poor morals. Her friend is making bad life choices maybe but we don't know what is happening behind closed doors with her husband. I try not to judge people and I certainly don't write off friends so easily.

You’re referring to an “unmet need” ie reasons for an affair.

Do you suspect that her husband is not as lovely as his public image suggests? It seems that something is nagging away at you since your discussion with the other friend, and I’m wondering if your instinct is telling you something.

I would judge someone for having an affair as well

Well, i wouldn't judge depending on the situation, but the friend here has actively decided to have another child in this mess rather than leave. So some judgement is somewhat appropriate. Op has just avoided her, so🤷🏼‍♀️

A df of mine left her dh for affair partner but then they split and she decided to give her marriage another chance. Her dh knew she left him because she was unhappy but still has no idea there was another man. Her dh has (apparently) got a low sex drive but in every other way is lovely. He was almost destroyed by her leaving him. Now they’re playing happy families and I’ve withdrawn completely. I disagree with her actions and don’t want to play along in her theatre. I’m happy with my choice but wouldn’t tell people in rl. I just say I’m busy and we don’t see each other very often these days.

Yep. This is what I mean.

Thats basically what I did. I said nothing.

The woman I was discussing this with today had no idea who these people are either.

But the OP was put in the very uncomfortable position of having to be part of the deceit. It’s not simply a case of judging somebody else’s actions, but refusing to be personally complicit.