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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend having an affair

60 replies

Desperado99 · 26/07/2022 18:50

AIBU to cut off a friend for having an affair?

She had been married for several years - she started having an affair with someone from work (he was married and had just had a baby). The affair started between her first and second child.

She dragged us into it by telling us about it. I was friends with her husband. He got suspicious and understandably upset a year or so after it went on - although she never admitted to it - she just went on to have another baby.

My heart broke for her current husband as he is a lovely man - and it did not sit right with me attending events at his home with them both knowing full well what she was upto. She continues to play happy families on social media. I withdrew from the friendship.

I have not spoken to her in about a year. Never told her the reasons and in all fairness she never got in touch with me either. I did send her a nice message when her second child was born.

To play devils advocate I have no real idea her reasons to jump into another mans arms - particularly one who has just himself had a baby. His social media is very similar with family pictures. Its all a pantomime really that I did not want to take any part in.

AIBU

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 26/07/2022 20:05

I think you did the right thing in stepping away from the relationship because you were friends with him too. You couldn't remain loyal to them both.

Dominant · 26/07/2022 20:19

I think if you were friends with her husband you should have told him. It's too late now because you don't have current information about her affair activities so just forget about her. If her topic comes up change the subject. Don't give her much though.

MrsTimRiggins · 26/07/2022 20:22

I don’t really blame you for not wanting to continue a friendship with her, and subsequently her husband, and feeling like you’re involved in the deception yourself, I’d probably make the same choice.

User135644 · 26/07/2022 20:24

Desperado99 · 26/07/2022 19:25

This was the reason why I posted. I wanted to see what others opinions were before I take the entire moral high ground so thank you. I have never had an affair but understand there can be complex reasons to do so.

Show quote history

Complex reasons for having an affair.

It usually boils down to am I a twat? If the answer is yes then go from there.

gardenofweedin · 26/07/2022 20:34

I think people today (and perhaps always, but it feels more "accepted" of late) put too much emphasis on their "needs" and having those needs met. There are more important things than what some describe as needs. Sometimes the right thing to do is to deny so-called needs. Demonstrating a little selflessness, putting someone else's needs (your spouse's, your children's) above your own desires. It's not all about what feels good in the moment, but some people don't realise this until it's too late.

gardenofweedin · 26/07/2022 20:37

If the "unmet need" is genuine and important enough to amount to an actual need, the answer is to leave the relationship in an open and aboveboard fashion, not to engage in a seedy affair.

Iamdonewiththis · 26/07/2022 20:52

I don't blame you. YANBU

Darbs76 · 26/07/2022 21:03

A very close friend no I wouldn’t stop my friendship with, but if it was someone I hadn’t grown up with / considered like family I’d probably do what you have. No-one would blame you for opting out of the friendship

ihavenocats · 26/07/2022 21:09

You can break up a friendship with anyone at any time for any reason. If you no longer respect that person then what kind of friend would you be anyway? If you have lost respect for her that's perfectly legitimate, and in which case there is no friendship to be had.

Sunsetred · 26/07/2022 21:28

@Taurine I think more info is needed. It would be helpful to know in what sense the husband was the OP's friend. Is he her friend simply because he is her friends DH? It doesn't sound like they had their own separate friendship as the OP doesn't seem bothered that she has effectively also cut him off. In which case she has no loyalty to the husband in any event. Her loyalty is to her own friend.

It seems a bit odd that the friend would tell the OP.

Drevere · 26/07/2022 21:29

I'd cut them off. If they can do that to someone they supposedly loved and their family imagine what they can do to me who is even less important in their lives. I jave zero tolerance for cheaters and dishonest people.

Do you live a completely moral life?

Absolutely but going by your post I assume you don't. Not something to be proud of tbh but you do you...

User135644 · 26/07/2022 21:34

Anyone who cheats and has an affair behind their partner's back is a horrible human being.

Want to fuck someone else. End your relationship then you pondlife.

Sunsetred · 26/07/2022 21:40

@User135644 that's a very black and white view. What about someone in an abusive relationship who is too scared or unable to leave their husband?

Icantbelieveitsnotnutter · 26/07/2022 21:43

I never think being judgemental is a bad thing when someone could get really hurt. I have cut off a friend and her family as they were all dishonest morally bankrupt fools (who ended up really hurting a close family member just as I'd started to work them all out and suspect the lies and affairs) so I can empathise!

Icantbelieveitsnotnutter · 26/07/2022 21:45

P.s. meeting a new partner to get away from an abuser is a totally different matter. Totally forgiveable and a good survival techique.

cushioncovers · 26/07/2022 21:47

I went no contact with a long time friend after she had an affair, she also tried to get me involved being her alibi. I haven't seen or spoke to her for 10 years now. We we're friends for over 20 years before that happened.

Taurine · 26/07/2022 21:47

Sunsetred · 26/07/2022 21:28

@Taurine I think more info is needed. It would be helpful to know in what sense the husband was the OP's friend. Is he her friend simply because he is her friends DH? It doesn't sound like they had their own separate friendship as the OP doesn't seem bothered that she has effectively also cut him off. In which case she has no loyalty to the husband in any event. Her loyalty is to her own friend.

It seems a bit odd that the friend would tell the OP.

I disagree. Even if the OP wasn’t in any way close with the husband, but just thought he seemed pleasant enough, then being put in the position of socializing with them both could be extremely
uncomfortable, and it’s reasonable not to want to be part of that.

User135644 · 26/07/2022 21:55

Sunsetred · 26/07/2022 21:40

@User135644 that's a very black and white view. What about someone in an abusive relationship who is too scared or unable to leave their husband?

There'll always be an outlier but the general rule is cheaters are awful people.

YouAreNotBatman · 26/07/2022 22:19

Sunsetred · 26/07/2022 21:40

@User135644 that's a very black and white view. What about someone in an abusive relationship who is too scared or unable to leave their husband?

How does fucking another man going to help?
Help her to escape? May jump from fire into fryingpan that way.
First figure out how to leave, stay single - heal and then maybe, if you must have a partner - find one.

Sunsetred · 26/07/2022 22:20

@YouAreNotBatman if only life was that simple.

MushMonster · 27/07/2022 06:38

I would not feel any warmth towards someone behaving this way either so I would not want to be friends with them and I would walk away.
Nothing wrong with it. I cannot deal with the guilt sitting there with the husband and children. It makes me feel sick, so I do not do it either.
Regardless of her reason for the affair, these two are harming innocent people: their children, including two babies!

Footbal · 27/07/2022 06:45

To be honest if one of my very good friends was having an affair I would still be friends with them. If it was a work colleague,school mum friend or more of a casual acquaintance then I would distance myself Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors in a relationship. However I can see why you would be annoyed about social media posts portraying a happy family.

Tuilpmouse · 27/07/2022 07:39

You’re referring to an “unmet need” ie reasons for an affair.

Almost any affair can be justified as reasonable if this is the criteria. Our partners rarely fulfil 100% or our needs 100% of the time!... and if they don't have such a perfect record, it's no excuse to have an affair.

Dotcheck · 27/07/2022 07:47

OP
I've struggled with this too. Friendship should include loyalty and non judgment.

However, I don’t wish to include people in my closest circle if they are generally dishonest.

I ended a friendship for similar reasons, but my ex friend showed herself to be dishonest in many situations. I eventually felt that her dishonesty made me like and trust her less

Vikinga · 27/07/2022 07:48

I find it weird that when she told you you didnt ask why.

One of my friends had an affair. She was being abused but still loved/had an attachment to her husband. The obvious thing to me was for her to leave her husband but people are complicated.

I