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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Blending families

56 replies

Spursgirl1986 · 26/07/2022 17:47

Hi I hope to gain some insight please to see if I am being unreasonable . Last July my partner moved in , I have children from a different relationship and so does he . My mum and dad also love with me (have a large house ) . I knew this man for a long time and honestly feel like he’s the love of my laugh . The first 8 months he didn’t contribute to rent or anything as he had to buy he’s ex out of he’s house that he now rents out so I believed I was helping and then afterwards it would benefit us both . I work and have a good business and pay all my bills and school fees . He now contributes 350 a month to the rent but nothing else . I don’t expect him to pay for my children but he earns great money and if it’s our house I’m not sure why I should be paying everything ? He doesn’t discipline he’s children and they are here 4 times a week now and again he will get shopping . I assumed that he would take on a roll of stepdad but there is none of that . It feels very much like it’s him and he’s children and me and mine . There’s so much more to put on here but don’t want to drag on . Thank you if you have read this far .

OP posts:
quietnightmare · 26/07/2022 18:00

You know at minimum he needs to pay half of the house and bills. You can't force him to be a step parent but if he doesn't discipline his own he's not going to help you out with yours. If this situation isn't working for you, explain what you want from him and if he can't do it then move on

Spursgirl1986 · 26/07/2022 18:02

No and I don’t want to force him to be a stepparent but how can you just have a live in boyfriend when you have young children ? I feel this about the money side as I’m left with nothing and he has money . Is generous with paying for my dinner though if we go out . X

OP posts:
MaxOverTheMoon · 26/07/2022 18:03

Fuck that, be glad it's not his house and tell him to move out the cocklodging cunt.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/07/2022 18:07

Blending families is often not a good idea.

Does sound like it is in your situation. Sounds also like you didn’t have a clear conversation re payment and also step parenting before he moved in.

He ought to be paying a fair share of rent and other bills, including shopping. Doesn’t sound like he is!

Sounds like it’s time to unblend and just be boyfriend and girlfriend.

No one is moving in under my kids’ roof until they’re at least 18, and I’m not sure if I would ever want a man living with me again. Just brings too many complications!

Valeriekat · 26/07/2022 18:08

MaxOverTheMoon · 26/07/2022 18:03

Fuck that, be glad it's not his house and tell him to move out the cocklodging cunt.

Yes this!

Spursgirl1986 · 26/07/2022 18:15

I wouldn’t ever again . Today I looked at taking on another role with doing my business on the side and he said well you can’t do that as who will look after the children in the evenings now and again . And regardless if he is the love of my life I just felt that If we are a family why wouldn’t he say not a problem I’ll do them dinner now and again and make sure they are in bed ok . My mum and dad are here anyway . That just made me think am I seeing this through rose tinted glasses . Thank you for your post x

OP posts:
Classicblunder · 26/07/2022 18:17

Do you take on the step mother role with his kids?

MaxOverTheMoon · 26/07/2022 18:21

This cocklodging cunt is NOT the love of your life OP. The love of your life (apart from yourself, you should be the love of your life) will support you, help you, want to build with you and would never take advantage of you like this. EVER! Get him out, pack his shit and don't be a doormat anymore.

minipie · 26/07/2022 18:21

Sounds like he is good as a live out boyfriend but pretty crap as a live in partner. He’s started taking you for granted and frankly taking the piss.

I agree it’s time to unblend. Tell him you love him but preferred things the way they were before he moved in and you’d rather go back to that. If he’s not keen then what does that tell you…

Spursgirl1986 · 26/07/2022 18:24

Yes as much as I can , one of he’s children just screams at me . I try to do for them what I do for my own . They sleep in my room if needed , take over my house , eat my food , I do washing . As much as I can x

OP posts:
Spursgirl1986 · 26/07/2022 18:25

Yes he is a good partner , but he has he’s car , he’s money . Me and my children never get invited on days out with hes family , just him and hes children .

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/07/2022 18:27

He's selfish and using you.

Spursgirl1986 · 26/07/2022 18:27

Thank you , I do love myself just in my relationship I’ve never been happier but I can’t accept what is being offered

OP posts:
Strawberries86 · 26/07/2022 18:30

He is NOT a good partner. He’s wormed his way into your house and your money.

Meals and words mean fuck all. Kick him out. You and your children deserve better.

VerbalIyIntensed · 26/07/2022 18:33

What? How is any of those good? You don't even get your own bedroom?!

Pointlessuser · 26/07/2022 18:36

He absolutely needs to pay his share but I disagree that it should be half, there are four adults living in the house and the bills and food etc should be split accordingly.

Spursgirl1986 · 26/07/2022 18:40

Hi sorry I don’t know how to put who I’m replying to . Pointlessuser my mum and dad do contribute , they do all the cleaning , have the children so I can work and pay £500 . Also they do food shopping as an when needed .

OP posts:
NickyNora · 26/07/2022 18:43

Spursgirl1986 · 26/07/2022 18:25

Yes he is a good partner , but he has he’s car , he’s money . Me and my children never get invited on days out with hes family , just him and hes children .

From your description, hes not a good partner.

Did you discuss how your household was going to work once he moved in?

£350 a month? That's less then £87 per week. He's not even paying his way.

You and your children aren't invited as he isn't your partner, others can see this.

Your bar is low, raise it!

Spursgirl1986 · 26/07/2022 18:49

NickyNora We spoke initially as he had to buy he’s ex out and had to save so I said don’t worry the first two months as pay her off . But this was in July , and now I’ve had four months where I’ve got £350 . He did do a good shop the other week . I know that I have my children here . I suppose I noticed when he will always offer to make me dinner but no one else . My family isn’t like that . I have never been through this before and I guess I was so happy and didn’t think that anyone would have thought that they could live in a household with children and not take on a role x

OP posts:
Spohn · 26/07/2022 18:52

This bloke is making a complete mug of you, taking food and resources from your own kids, getting you to raise his kids for him.

Often when people say 'blending families' they actually mean 'forcing the various kids involved to live with their parents boy/girlfriend'. How does it benefit your kids to have your boyfriend and his kids in your house? That's the only important thing to consider when moving in some unrelated male.

user1471538283 · 26/07/2022 18:57

He has got to go!

Your DC will be raised by someone who doesn't want them there.

Its your house and you will be better off without him.

Createandescape · 02/08/2022 11:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SleeplessInEngland · 02/08/2022 11:41

You've invited a dud to move in with you. It happens. Time for some ultimatums.

GreenManalishi · 02/08/2022 11:46

Move him back out. (He's not the love of your life by the way, that phrase isn't helping you)

Spursgirl1986 · 03/08/2022 00:53

Thank you for your replies , I am going to be saying this to him .

OP posts: