Blending families

[Spursgirl1986]

Hi I hope to gain some insight please to see if I am being unreasonable . Last July my partner moved in , I have children from a different relationship and so does he . My mum and dad also love with me (have a large house ) . I knew this man for a long time and honestly feel like he’s the love of my laugh . The first 8 months he didn’t contribute to rent or anything as he had to buy he’s ex out of he’s house that he now rents out so I believed I was helping and then afterwards it would benefit us both . I work and have a good business and pay all my bills and school fees . He now contributes 350 a month to the rent but nothing else . I don’t expect him to pay for my children but he earns great money and if it’s our house I’m not sure why I should be paying everything ? He doesn’t discipline he’s children and they are here 4 times a week now and again he will get shopping . I assumed that he would take on a roll of stepdad but there is none of that . It feels very much like it’s him and he’s children and me and mine . There’s so much more to put on here but don’t want to drag on . Thank you if you have read this far .

Saying what?

Just get him out of your kids house, no need for chats giving him the opportunity to try to scam you in to feeling guilty or responsible for him.

When someone shows you who they are listen.

He's hit the jackpot with you.

No wonder his ex ditched him. She's well rid of him. His poor DC's.

Kick him out and forget about him asap.

Surely before he moved in you were able to see how he was with your children? Did he stay over with you and your children before moving in? How did that go? Who came up with the £350 amount? I’m guessing him.

Before we were married my husband sold his place and moved in with me. We talked about how much the bills were etc and agreed to just half everything. Mortgage, bills, food. We got married a few months later and everything was pooled anyway.

You describe him as a great partner and the love of your life but his actions suggest otherwise.

Being friends with someone, is different to being in a relationship with them and being in a relationship with someone, is very different to living together and being in a relationship with them. You’ve called what you are doing blending families but what does that mean for you and does he share those expectations (practically)?

Instead of making assumptions on who you thought he was or want him to be, you should have been having at the bare minimum, discussions about practicalities of him moving in.

Big girl pants on and talk to him!

It sounds like you’ve romanticised him moving in, forgetting that you live in the real world and you may not be as in sync with this man as you hoped you were. Children are involved, which means you should have thought this through.

How is he a good partner? He takes a lot from you and compromises your children's happiness. He gives you the odd nice dinner and shop. How is he good? He sounds well below average. And you are subsidising him, his children and his lifestyle.

Move him back out. "Blended" families is largely a myth: the two adults blend and the children suffer.

Oh fgs! He's not a step parent, he's a cocklodger. You are subsidising his lifestyle at the expense of your children.

Honestly, get him out and don't date again until you've copped yourself on. You are failing your children.

How is he a good partner?

What a horrible reply.
What's the matter with some people they can't answer a question without resorting to vile language.

We like the language, it's accurate and warranted. If you're too delicate it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with the post or poster

This just sounds like a disaster OP. He doesn't contribute properly, he doesn't meet your expectations of what you want in a partner when it comes to your children (I don't actually think it's a problem this part but it obviously is for you so), and he doesn't discipline his kids who just scream at you... What a load of hassle.

Stay with him if you really want but get him to move back out. At least the house is yours.

I don't think MN is for you 😂

Cunt cunt cunt 😂 I love swearing, what's actually vile about it @girlfriend44? I think the only vile thing on this thread is the cunt the OP has gotten lumbered with. Kick the cunt out OP!

Thank you all for your replies . We were friends for a long time and he’s mum is my best friend strangely . Yes I have been very naive with thinking that we would blend . My expectation would be that we would go half on everything regardless who’s children are who . I mean the bills and food in this regard . He didn’t move in for quite awhile we were having cooking nights with the children , going on days out etc . I just think he is more suited to just being with he’s own children and that’s just how he is . Thank you all again

He’ll offer you to make dinner, but ignoring the other people in the house? Including your parents who pay more than him?

Thats basic bad manners. Even before you take everything else into account.

Get rid of him before your children think this is what relationships are about.

Simple. Don’t “blend” families. What a mess for your children, to have another family move in / stay regularly.

He is a cocklodging cunt OP, dump his selfish arse.

Divide up your issues. Do you want him and his kids living with you? If yes things need to change... Next steps. What is a reasonable rent in your area for a house share? What are a proportion of bills? Allocate that and require it going forward immediately. Secondly, what are house sharing rules? What are deal breakers then what are nice to haves? Then what are repercussions? What are your timelines? Set it out so you're clear. And you can always change your mind. If you have any concerns a cohabitation agreement setting out dates for transfer of cash etc and no interest in house (do not put him on deeds or mortgage) may be helpful.

Also any kick back and expectation to live rent free is not going to work... Time to move him out. Sounds a bit much tbh and he'll jerk you around so best advice is to go back to dating and he finds separate accomodation tbh.

I have never yet seen a blended family actually work even those who think it’s working it’s certainly isn’t from somebody’s point of you as per the previous post and nobody is moving in with me until my kids are over 18 and on their own two feet

He’s taking the mick. Big time!

Never understand why people are so quick and eager to blend families though either?

I think people are quick to blend as the majority of people (inc me) fall into a honeymoon stage with new dp and their dc. You're a team, everyone gets on and you can't imagine it ever being shit. Warm fuzzie feelings plus hormones over new dp have a lot to answer for. Then reality hits for all, dc test boundaries, parental guilt steps in and bam it's a mess.

MaxOverTheMoon Most parents are responsible enough to put their children above hormones and warm fuzzies.

I'd disagree @ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave it's only in MN land where people take years and years.

You're right tbh, I don't know what I was thinking. There are a LOT of shit parents out there.