AIBU to find it fucking depressing how much my son wants screen

[Theheartisalonelyhunter]

He's 11 and he's probably no different from many other boys but my god, I find it depressing how much he loves to game. And when he's not doing it, and doesn't have something structured to do (sports, mostly), it can be torturous trying to get him to do something else. He just wanders around, no doubt waiting for the next time he's allowed on.

We have boundaries. He is absolutely not allowed on it all the time. We try to be fair and I think we are. But it's a bottomless pit. It's never enough.

I just find it really depressing and unenjoyable. That's all I wanted to say

My DS is the same (aged 12) we allow a couple of hours on the PlayStation at a time but then as soon as he is off the PlayStation he goes straight to his phone or the iPad - it drives me crazy!

I know. I have really strict boundaries on any type of screen time, but enforcing it is an endless job. Trying to get them to read/paint/ play outside/ whatever is hard. I don't think screen time is inherently bad, but it's hard making sure they do other things and learn non-tech skills.

What exactly is the harm in it? Why is doing something else more valid?

I’m mid-30s now but as a teenager I used to spend all my time on the computer and didn’t want to go outside regardless of being nagged to.

It has caused no issues.

Restricting it does nothing but make it “special” and make him want it more, because he’s scared it’s not always going to be there, hence your problem.

Always thus. In 1970s parents said tv would give us square eyes..

I am confused about the problem. If he has ‘free time’ and nothing to do and can’t do the thing he wants to do, how is it that you would like him to act. Or what sort of things do you want him to come up with to?

I love reading. I would do it all day if I could. If someone told me I can’t read and to do something else in my free time, i would probably be bored and a bit restless too.

While we have rules around screen time in our house, if there’s nothing planned and that’s what ds wants to do, in the time we have nothing on, it’s absolutely fine. We have time for reading, or going for a walk with the dogs, or going to away for the weekend where he isn’t on them at all.

So if I am busy and he chooses to game, I don’t see the issue.

The harm is that the children on screens could, and should, be spending that time on real human interactions with other humans.

Because excessive screen time is bad for physical activity levels, and therefore bad for long term health. It interferes with the development of social skills and problem solving skills. It probably contributes to low mood.

I'm not talking about moderate use. None of my family have much natural self - control with fiction / TV / gaming. We don't naturally self-regulate.

But this child is. Op says he does sports.

I presume he goes to school and that op and the family interact with him.

where does this assumption that people who like gaming, don’t have in person social interactions too?

That's how it's designed - to keep you on there and make you want to keep playing and scrolling and playing and scrolling. I feel the same - my 14 year old saved up for his own PC and now screen time has become less "how long should he spend on it" and more "how long should he spend NOT on it". I understand that is how he socialises. I understand it is super fun. I understand he is learning some skills. But it is hardly a rounded life and there are other skills he is missing out on developing. There is no reading for pleasure, he doesn't watch TV or films, he used to like board games but no more, he will go swimming or cycling or practice his instrument but then straight back on phone or PC.

At lot of my son's friends 9 12/13) are like this, he's better but only because we are absolutely no compromise on the time he gets. He gets 10 hours a week to cover anything that's not family tv time. That includes playstation, ipads, phone games etc.
The result is he gets bored and goes out to the park or to meet friends. There's always someone free. And he's started to play more with his little sibs.
He plays a couple of sports too.
Basically - take it off them, and give consequences for any moaning!

As others have said, I think by taking it away you will only make him want it more.

If he's just wandering around waiting to be allowed on, why have you taken it away? He's not doing anything 'better' with his time, he's just miserable.

Make anything a 'forbidden fruit' and we will want more of it. It's human nature.

There's not an easy answer as I can see why you want him to do other things, but I also think games/ screen time are demonised unnecessarily by a lot of parents. If you want him to do other things then I guess you have to ensure there are other things to do which are fun for him, not just wandering around waiting for the screen.

The can't self regulate at this age - games are designed to be addictive and more-ish. Anyone claiming their child or teen can self-regulate is fooling themelves.

If a child isn't listening, respecting the boundaries then sometimes a quick sharp shock is required to show your strength.

When my kids are older I will have no issues with throwing any piece of electronics out the window.

However, I don't think a child of that age should be using a phone or tablet, especially in their bedroom.

'As others have said, I think by taking it away you will only make him want it more.'

Totally disagree. Stay firm and be consistent and he will find other things to do with his time. We're now known as the house where kids won't be allowed to game all night on a sleepover, and somehow DS still has plenty of mates coming over and doing S/Os.

My step son is the same, only is allowed unfettered access to gaming when with his mother so all attempts to persuade and cajole him to do something <gasp> active are met with unbridled resentment. But still we persevere.

I agree OP. It is addictive and it is too easy for them to gain a sense of achievement through computer games instead of engaging with things in the real world that would improve their social skills or fitness or give them skills to be actively creative. I allow DS(7) tablet time and Nintendo time because I don't want him to be an oddity among his friends, but I have noticed that he finds it harder to settle into other activities now.

Sometimes I see him considering whether he should ask for some screen time, then rightly deciding I would say no. But the thought is never far away!

Of course, there is always going to be the response that if he does activities and goes to school, what's the harm in letting him do what he loves the rest of the time - I'm paraphrasing a few of the responses above. He's social, he's charming, he's lovely and he's functioning. Clearly, he's not being harmed by gaming.

But it's the endless thinking about it when he's not doing it. It's the sheer scale of wanting when he's not doing it. It preoccupies the brain in the time away. It overshadows and takes away motivation for other things. It just does. So no, I won't be letting him go on the screen in every bit of free time. I'm just sitting it out this summer, trying to get through the difficult bit where boredom will kick in and he'll have to amuse himself

YANBU to feel that way.

Some people would say it's an addiction, which is depressing.

gamequitters.com/dopamine-theory-of-addiction/

Kids need unstructured time. They need to get bored. When we were kids in the summer we'd want to watch kids tv or game. My mum would come and kick us out of the house, then we'd go find things to do.
Just boot him off screens and tell him to leave you alone. When DS starts moaning we send him out of the room! He takes the hint...

I always had a reasonable balance of gaming and playing outside. Internet wasn't exactly what it is now and neither were fancy phones.

All my nephew wanted to do was play on games and you could tell it impacted him playing socially with others. Whereas my other nephew didn't always play games and could play socially.

yep it's addictive - and just like us adults with our phones the more we stare at them the less we are able to focus on reading/ thinking/ just being happy with our thoughts.

My bugbear with this is that we need to support kids to have unstructured play - not just sports - its really hard as that street play / community culture has vanished in lots of areas - are there kids nearby he could have a kick about with?

At 11 could he and a friend be given little bits of independence - cycle to the park/ get money and go for an ice cream?

They are not designed by nature to sit around the house doing nothing - that is why the screen desire kicks in

I work in Education, and work with a guy who ran a dev company specialising in 'educational' games. You know, the ones that 'help' kids learn to read or with maths on ipads. The puzzles, the spelling, the numbers games.

They did lots of research ( for development and to use in marketing) around the effects of games on young brains... they would take the ++ from the research to use to promote the games... and they would ignored the negative stuff as it was no use to them.
He quit, sold the company, when his own kids were born because he could no longer morally continue with it because of all the proof he saw every day that said screens, gaming, and the games they developed were addictive, harmful, affecting kids attention spans in a negative way. That parents trusted and relied on screens to teach their kids but they were doing more harm than good.

If you want your kids to read - give them books and read with them. If you want them to spell and use grammar properly - books. If you want them to learn maths, count with them, play board games with them. If you want them to be scientists, shown them the world around them.
Encourage them to create worlds, not consume worlds that someone else has made.

If you want your kids to develop games, let them play and use their imagination. Anyone can learn to code but it takes creativity and imagination to come up with characters and storylines.

I think a lit of mums are jealous of screen's because their kid prefers to do something kiddy rather than sit on mummy's knee and paint flowers. I agree with PP, why can't we let people do what they want to an extent. I am old and was out Dawn till dusk in the woods as a kid. I don't remember my parents begging me to stay home and interact with them and it would have been creepy of they did

My concern is the sedentary nature of so much of children's down time. It potentially leads to bad habits for life.