AIBU to find it fucking depressing how much my son wants screen

[Theheartisalonelyhunter]

He's 11 and he's probably no different from many other boys but my god, I find it depressing how much he loves to game. And when he's not doing it, and doesn't have something structured to do (sports, mostly), it can be torturous trying to get him to do something else. He just wanders around, no doubt waiting for the next time he's allowed on.

We have boundaries. He is absolutely not allowed on it all the time. We try to be fair and I think we are. But it's a bottomless pit. It's never enough.

I just find it really depressing and unenjoyable. That's all I wanted to say

DS15 has the morning dog walk to do during the summer holidays around 9am. He also sometimes helps out at the park with his younger siblings and I mid morning. He cannot get access to his PC as it's in the office which DH has to use Monday to Friday 7.30am til 3pm for his job. DS goes in from 3pm weekdays and I just leave him to it as he has earned it by that point of the day. He also does evening dog walk most days too.

I think all in moderation is fine. DS will use PC all weekend if we don't go away as a family. Again, that's fine as some weekends we are away all day and he hardly gets a chance to use it🤷

My kid was a shocker. Playing games at every opportunity. Now a very successful academic.

My ex fiancé was addicted to gaming. He literally forgot I existed and crashed out of university (before that, he was a triple distinction student!)

So I’ve always been hyper aware of this behaviour. When my son aged 8 started showing signs of a similar addiction- I started to worry but despite my best efforts I still let it slide.

2 days ago, his attitude was horrible. I barely recognised his personality. We had “catastrophe hour” and he explained he behaved well at school because he knows there’s no Xbox. At home, there’s an Xbox and it’s all he thinks about.

I was as gentle as possible but explained about my ex fiancé. He lost everything. His degree, his future, his job and his home all because of a gaming addiction and thankfully DS agreed to one set hour in the morning and one set hour in the afternoon.

He’s been happy ever since but we’re only on day 2 and I am not good at forming new long lasting habits and I can be very lazy.

So it’ll be hard for me to stick to this strict boundary but I’m doing all I can.

no idea how I’ll manage it when he’s a hormonal, and shouty teenager though… 😭

Never great is it when your kid pulls you up on this 😬😂

Oh god op i could have written this. If I allowed my 11 year old ds to spend all summer on his PlayStation he absolutely would. I don't mind sometimes because it's quite social - he speaks to his school friends over the headset and they game/build things together it also makes me feel better that all of their parents are also allowing them on.

But like you I find it depressing just how much he wants it over anything else. And how he talks so much about it when he's not online and seemingly counts down the hours til he's next allowed on it. He also loves watching videos on YouTube on his iPad.

When challenged about his screen time he once said "well you're always on your phone so how is it different" and I must admit I struggled to answer

Honestly, try not to worry too much. He sounds like a well rounded lad who has other interests and a healthy lifestyle. I think gaming only becomes a problem when it affects other areas of life.

I have said that he can have unlimited time on the tablet to practise his timestables though 😂 he didn’t seem keen!

Sorry hadn't read the full thread and just noticed others have been called out on their phone usage by their kids. Glad it's not just me!

I think it makes it harder if they have a bit and then need to turn it off - that's when the arguments and bitterness and drama starts for us. The days with no screens at all, there isn't the same visceral craving.

I'm considering a different strategy - maybe a certain number of screen-free days a week. Then on the screen days, I might turn the time limit off though still expect xyz tasks to be done, family mealtime etc. I'm not sure yet. I'm still thinking.

DS knows what set parts of each day he can have access to his PC and as long as everyone knows where they stand, I find this works well. We are not demanding he has only one hour, he can stay on as long as he wishes - within reason.

The 12 yo uses his console very occasionally so I don't need to use limits. He is more interested in reading books or socialising with friends.

Thanks so much for this response - 😍- I print it out and keep it close for the next 5 years!

I respect this and your hopes. But it's worth pointing out that your kids are 6 and 8. My son was hardly on a device until he was 9 and we have had boundaries. A lot. Too many? I don't know. But my point is, it's all great in theory...but it's a different ballgame in practice. Of course, personality plays a part, I think. My son is wilful and will push. But ultimately, as we know, and as been pointed out, the games are set up to be addictive.

I agree, too. I do. This is absolutely what I believe.

But we are talking about kids wanting and needing to belong. If all of their peers are doing this, what is better - isolating them from others to follow my wishes? Or trying to find a balance with them feeling included and yet not going down the rabbit warren of mindless-as-fuck gaming and screen scrolling?

Many years ago I spoke with a doctor who worked with kids who were addicted to technology. He said it was impossible to remove from kids lives. It shouldn't even be the goal. The goal should be a safe model that has boundaries.

Obviously, as I'm saying, that's hard to do. But I agree you can't remove it totally, as much as I'd like to.

I resent the implication that he doesn't have any input from us. Where have I said that? Jesus, I am very involved mother who comes up with lots of stimulating ideas for how he can spend his time. We together as a family, and independently, spend time with him. We have lots of plans over the summer - but there are a lot of hours in the day.

My point is that I can reel off 5 things he could do - that we have put time and money into him doing and buying (art supplies, books, puzzles, piano) and he still will wander around unmotivated.

Please don't make assumptions.

I agree with this entirely.

My two DC (DD and DS aged 12) have no screen limits. Having those kind of rigid rules makes screens seem forbidden and exciting, when actually they're just a regular part of modern life.

We do plenty of other activities and I don't see any behavioural issues related to screen use. They're not allowed on social media or chat websites etc. I've seen lots of benefits with what they do online, luckily they don't have any interest in games such as Fortnite etc.

Neither of my DC really watch TV so I see screens as their boredom buster - when I was younger we'd watch TV to fill in the gaps, so I think it's pretty much like for like.

But removing limits really works for us. Both my two are autistic and they used to get really anxious about limits and timers etc. They soon got over the "wow, no limits!" and now actively look for other things to do instead. Lots of their activities still need to be scaffolded due to their additional needs, but they are both really open for going out for a walk, cooking, doing craft activities etc.

I feel the same with my son. Because we don't have time limits, screen time is not seen as a forbidden fruit. He often gets bored with it and looks for other things to do.

You aren't being unreasonable, but the thing to understand is that computer games now are designed using the same principles used in electronic gambling.

That is to say, it is extremely addictive, by design. And it changes the brain the more it's used, so it becomes harder and harder to leave it behind. No one really knows what happens when kids whose brains are still developing use these kinds of things a lot, if the effects are even reversible. We do know that lots of adult gambling addicts are never able to control themselves if they actually start playing - they only manage to cope by staying away from it entirely.

I think 50 years from now people will look back on kids playing these things like we look back on old photos of kids smoking.

Provide an alternative - I got a netball post and DD (12) and I play in the garden together to have a break from screens

I do have some restrictions for my kids but in the holidays we're pretty lax. Rather than telling them to get off screens I make "suggestions" for things to do instead, either together as a family eg "we're going to the beach in 20 mins" or on their own "why don't you look for something cool to build from your Lego book" or "what about playing Uno with your sister".

Screen is just the easy option and sometimes they literally forget they have whole load of other things they could do.