AIBU to find it fucking depressing how much my son wants screen

[Theheartisalonelyhunter]

He's 11 and he's probably no different from many other boys but my god, I find it depressing how much he loves to game. And when he's not doing it, and doesn't have something structured to do (sports, mostly), it can be torturous trying to get him to do something else. He just wanders around, no doubt waiting for the next time he's allowed on.

We have boundaries. He is absolutely not allowed on it all the time. We try to be fair and I think we are. But it's a bottomless pit. It's never enough.

I just find it really depressing and unenjoyable. That's all I wanted to say

'I think a lit of mums are jealous of screen's because their kid prefers to do something kiddy rather than sit on mummy's knee and paint flowers. I agree with PP, why can't we let people do what they want to an extent. I am old and was out Dawn till dusk in the woods as a kid. I don't remember my parents begging me to stay home and interact with them and it would have been creepy of they did'

Yeah, I'm not looking for a good balance for my 12 year old, I'd rather he sat on my knee... FFS... I'm fairly certain most of the parents of 12 year old gamers would be absolutely delighted to have their kids playing outside in the fresh air all day rather than crouched in front of a screen.
My DS has just appeared to tell me that he's off outside to play with a couple of friends for the rest of the day... much as I'd love him to sit on my knee, I have work to be getting on with.

YANBU but this is pretty normal.

My DD is a gamer and that is her hobby so I have to just accept it.
I just make sure that she gets fresh air, sunlight and exercise as well as keeping her room clean and doing her homework.

I was a gamer too and as an adult I enjoy gaming, watching TV or going on my phone (even now I am on my phone) and I spend alot less time than most people on it as I don’t have SM.

As long as he’s not stuck in a dark room all day then I think it’s fine and just something you need to accept.

I do worry about the amount of sitting still though.

Many of our issues like obesity, bad backs, joint problems, depression etc are caused by constant sitting, whereas a few years ago we would be out all day or pottering about.

I am on my feet all day at work but the children are sat at a desk all day and then come home and carry on sitting instead of going out to play.

I make sure my DD goes out and exercises but I know it’s not half as much as 10+ years ago.

Totally disagree. There has been vast amounts of research into how to make games more addictive. The whole aim of the industry is to make you spend more time on devices to the exclusion of even basic needs such as sleep.

I think we have to remember that 5 days a week, children are in school and that time is so controlled with timetables of lessons and then short break slots. Children get say 50 minutes for lunch where they eat and then socialise or entertain themselves versus 5 or more hours of lessons/structured time where they are told what to do. Children aren't used to having to fully entertain themselves and I think year 6 age upwards it gets harder as they are less in to toys or imaginative play. Remember that even break or lunch time activities/clubs will have adults around to provide structure, mediate issues or just supervise so they really aren't used to a number of weeks in a row with all this freedom of time, then we expect them to be able to entertain themselves without screens or adults providing this entertainment.

I'd say there is no harm in asking DS to find things to do for a few hours in the day but the rest of the time he will need some guidance and structure. Invite friends over to hang out, set up activities in the garden or living room (a board game out for example) or take DS and some friends to a country park. These things don't need to cost money but adding some structure will break the day up and help with him longing for screen time.

Could you set some tasks or challenges that will help him earn more screen time, e.g. bake some treats = extra 20 minutes screen time? This might help DS to get ideas of what to do and it will seem less pointless to him if there is a reward in it. I know at that age if my parents had said "why don't you bake a cake" I'd have probably said I can't be bothered as it's not an interest of mine. However, if they had given me some incentive I'm sure I'd have spent time reading the recipe, going out to buy the ingredients and then baking it.

Alternatively, if he's not very "get up and go" maybe sit down as a family and write a timetable out of what to do each day (not like chores though) so DS gets some structure for the weeks off?

Weirdest take on excessive screen use I’ve ever seen 😂

I agree with this sentiment completely.

Everyone I know in tech does not let their kids have unfettered access to tablets and screens. A bit of educational TV and some designated time actually teaching them how to code and build things, but no more than that. They have to read and play sports and go outside. (Obviously having a garden and sports clubs are huge luxuries though for a lot of the children that I have worked with)

It makes me laugh when parents have told me that they use their tablet whenever because ‘everything is done on computers and it’s teaching them tech skills’. For a few kids who are motivated and creative sure, but mindlessly letting them play useless games or watch YouTube videos of children opening kinder eggs is not going to help them at all. It just turns them into addicts.

Our daughter will not have an iPad stuck in front of her because her dad has the insight that your friend does. Everyone tinkly-laughs and says ‘oh you will!’ to make them feel better about their own choices, but it isn’t going to happen.

Honestly? Take the battle out of the situation and relax the rules, forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest and all that. Set some basic ground rules like no screens at the table, no screens in the bedroom, and no screens between (e.g.,) 9pm and 9am alongside some basic consequences for breaking those rules (removal of screens for specified time) then leave him to it.

My DC have no screen time limits and the novelty of being plugged constantly into the Matrix very quickly lost its novelty. Right now I have two DC in the garden making up a song and dance show, one DC lying on the trampoline reading on their kindle, and one out at the park around the corner with their pals. This afternoon they're getting their bikes out. This evening they'll probably game or watch YouTube. Yesterday it was raining so they watched TV, played some Mario Kart together, did some drawing, and watched some YouTube.

IME 12 is a funny age anyway and they don't always engage with family activities in the same way, certainly my eldest would complain and moan that it was boring and ask constantly when we were going home so they could do what they wanted to do. It's very developmentally normal and part of the pulling away stage.

I was addicted to playing computer games when I was a teenager. I would play for hours on end during the summer hols and my mum would nag me to play outside! I'm not saying that was good at all. Just that he might not always be like that. I eventually grew out of it and started going out, socialising etc.

Serious boundaries are required for all the reasons outlined by others.

Our six and eight year olds have no device access at all. They watch some tv but they play with the kids on the street, with each other, spend lots of time outside. We hope to hold off on devices for as long as possible, but when we do relent there will be time limits.

They don’t seem to be missing out on anything socially yet. The only thing they ask for is to be able to play Mario kart and it only comes up after they’ve been at someone’s house to play.

Most seem to naturally progress off it as they become older teenagers, my youngest son loved gaming etc , but at 17 he is now very interested in working out, along with many others his age, alot of young men want to look a certain way (muscular) that can literally border on obsession, so heads up to all worried parents re tech, be prepared for pendulum to swing the other way which can then create another set of challenges.

What a load of crap. If he was that "morally conerned" he would have just closed the company not made profit from it.

There is no consistancy in any of the current studies reguarding screen time and loss of concerntration/ability etc. Some say 1-3 hours a day can actually increase academic ability while others say any screen time over 30mins a day is harmful.

All of my children (7,11,12) have access to their gaming PCs/phones/TV from when they wake until bedtime. They are only allowed to play with or contact people they know in real life ie. no Fortnite full of random grown ass men trying to deliberately antagonize children. Games they play are obviously restricted to an appropriate age level and I have access fro my own pc to track every google search they make and see all of their activity.

7yo always has her phone in her hand. Usually in the garden taking photos, singing along to music or recording her self singing the numberblock one song in the garden. (ASD, functioning at around 12-18months)

11yo likes to have netflix on her pc watching anime whilst crafting or doing one of her current obsessions, 3D puzzles. Other than that she's an "in and out kid" out with friends for 30mins in for an hour then back out again. SATS just came in at 109,109,111

12yo is usually on a group call with her friends or playing online games minecraft, stardew etc with said friends. We are in a very rural village and most most of her friendship group are spread throughout the surrounding villages. Excelling at school in her report.

All of that said I personally think console gaming is much more harmful/addictive than PC gaming. The Battle Royale/Loot box structures of console gaming is what makes it addictive. Loot boxes are actually banned in some countries as it is counted as gambling.

Every parent knows their child best and needs to recognise the early signs of gaming addiction. hampshirecamhs.nhs.uk/issue/gaming-addiction/

I love gaming. I gamed as a teen. I also played football on the fields (so not your stereotypical girl) if I had time now screens would be my default.

I hated structured sports and events and being made to go to things like that. Still do tbh. Loved family days out and exploring though and we had a family day every Sunday that was non negotiable and which I loved anyway.

I hold down a professional job, lots of different friendship groups and have a husband and child, and I’m fit and healthy so it hasn’t done me any harm.

When I hear of young children playing fortnight and call of duty it makes me cringe. But then I remember I was playing Mortal Kombat when I was 12 and had a cheat book to find the button combinations I needed to be able to rip my opponents head off with his spine. It was all the rage!

I grew up in a fairly disfunctional home. Mum wanted us to watch tv or play video games all day So we wouldn’t mess up the house or disturb her. We ended up seriously lacking in practical skills, no fitness levels, lack of vitamin D and suffering from depression.

As we all respond on our... screens.

How much screen time do you have? On your phone? Does that count.

DD 11 pointed this out to me. I tend not to think of me dicking about on Mumsnet/WhatsApp etc as "screen time" but it is. And it's more than her half the time.

@Theheartisalonelyhunter both my sons were absolutely obsessed with gaming at that age. It was very difficult at the time.

went to a psychologist with my eldest son who was 13 at the time (for a different reason) but we brought up the issue with gaming. The lady actually said that we have to understand that life has shifted and progressed and that online gaming/interactions is actually the way that youngsters now socialise, Ie it’s normal. If we stop them gaming then we are depriving them of socialising.

now, of course, that doesn’t mean that we should allow them to game 24/7 but it also shows that online interacting isn’t the devil that many parents think it is.

i know it’s hard right now but when they hit around 16 ish and become interested in girls and partying, generally they will stop gaming so incessantly. Mine are 17 and 20 now; the 20 yr old (who used to have full on tantrums if I stopped him gaming) doesn’t even own a console anymore cos he completely lost interest and would much rather be out with his mates now. The 17 Yr old now only games occasionally and is much more interested in being with his friends trying to get girls!

We game together as a family and to an extent it's fine, but gaming is more addictive than reading, cooking, playing out, crafts. It just is, it's designed to be. For me and DH too, not just our kid! I agree it can be really depressing when all they want to do is game. There are benefits to it too but I know exactly what you mean OP.

The lady actually said that we have to understand that life has shifted and progressed and that online gaming/interactions is actually the way that youngsters now socialise, Ie it’s normal. If we stop them gaming then we are depriving them of socialising

Wow! My kid will not be online gaming at 13. That's way too young for some of the shit they'd hear, in my opinion.

I am still unsure what it is you actually want him to do. And what you are doing apart from ‘waiting til he gets bored and forces himself to do something else’

No one said he should spend all his free time playing. I assumed, between hobbies and normal everyday life, spending time with you etc that free time wouldn’t be huge amounts of time each day. But you seem to want him to come up with ideas of other activities to do, automatically work out if it’s feasible with no input from you. I think at his age it’s unrealistic. Even if some kids do, he is struggling to it.

how crap is the summer going to be, if he can’t come up with other things? Or the whole summer is back and forth between the 2 of you. My dd, could come up with a millions things to do. Ds struggles more. So I suggest things and plan things. Not just hobbies. ‘Let’s go for a walk’, ‘let’s read a book’. not all kids are the same and kids aren’t a disappointment if they are more focused on one interest.

He has an interest which (quite rightly) is restricted and struggles to come up with other things. That’s where it’s your role to help him find other things he enjoys.

Throw it away.

Your house sounds very similar to my house. My autistic 7yr old likes to put music on YouTube so they can sing to the dog, yesterday it was a song called "this is what love feels like".

YANBU. As PP have said, games and social media are different from other activities. They are designed to be addictive, to give us instant and frequent dopamine hits. The result is that we find it harder to focus on other activities, and don’t find them as satisfying. This is harmful IMO.

It’s not the same as spending all day reading or in the woods. It’s not even the same as watching TV or movies - those don’t have the dopamine effect, although obviously they aren’t exactly healthy. It’s a new problem and it affects adults just as much! (She says, on her phone…!)

No better in the workplace

They come to work for us from 16 and we pay same hourly rate as all other staff....16-90....all get the same pay, and over NMW.

But they CANNOT leave their phones alone. Sneaking a look, sloping off to the toilet multiple times. Exhausting. And a few have lost their jobs over this

I love reading, used to always have my nose in a book as a child, was always being told to get my nose out of that book and go outside to play! If he wants to game let him game. You never know he could make a living out of it! Times have changed tech is the future.

My DS is 9 and the same but I have to say I'm pretty relaxed about boundaries. That's not to say he's allowed on it all the time. We go out every day for several hours and I insist on fresh air and exercise each day. I don't time him at home and set a limit but if I feel he's been on for too long I'll get him to play basketball ball in the garden, or play cards with me or something. When he's gaming it's usually a social thing. He also watches lots of educational YouTube videos and he's always telling me what he's learnt! Sometimes I really need to do chores in the house and my son often seems to want entertaining if he's not allowed on his tablet. I find that if I let him play I can get stuff done. I'm not ashamed to say that.