Relationship failing. Is it my fault?

[goldengirlsareshining]

I'm a secondary school teacher, HoD in my subject, usually work 11 hours a day, and about 4-5 hours at the weekend. My fiancé does a desk-based job, working from home.

When we first started living together, he worked 10-6, four days a week in the office. Then we bought a house together 5 years ago, which was about the time I got my promotion to HoD, and he started to drop some of his hours, then started working from home and dropping more hours. This was gradual over a few years, and affected by Covid too.

Now he works about 10 hours a week, and so his earnings reflect that. It's meant that I have to pay a much greater proportion towards the mortgage and bills than him. He also has much lower standards in the house than me, so unless I do it myself, the cleaning just doesn't get done. Last summer, my dad was having treatment for cancer so I stayed with him for the 6 week holiday, and when I came home, my fiancé hadn't mopped, hoovered or cleaned the bathroom at all.

I'm so tired of being the 'parent' in the relationship, of having responsibility for EVERYTHING by myself. He says I nag him too much and that I'm no fun any more, but can't seem to understand how knackered I am, and that I'd be more fun if he ran a hoover around or put out the bins, or actually worked a bit more to pay his way, so it wasn't all on me.

I've said I can't continue like this... but then had a moment of worry that maybe I'm the problem and he wouldn't be like this if I was better at motivating him, or wasn't working so much. So... AIBU in being unhappy and wanting change?

He sounds like a dick but for your sake reduce your hours (set some boundaries) and get a cleaner. You are making things way harder than they need to be.

I voted that you are being unreasonable...because you must be out of your mind to be in this relationship at all.

He doesn't pay his way, he doesn't do any of the work involved, he doesn't contribute in any way and he says you nag too much and are no fun? Get him the fuck out, now, and don't have another relationship until you work out why you put up with this farce for so long.

It sounds like the more successful you are, the more he thinks he can slack off. Working 10 hours a week is unacceptable. He's more than capable of cleaning the house; I suspect he doesn't do so as he's envious of your success, or feels quite pathetic being a 10 hour a week workshy lump who sits in a dirty house someone else pays for, and doesn't do it out of spite.

Some men hate successful women. You don't exist to motivate him, nor to work less and cater to his whims. He wants a housekeeper. He's bitter that he can't control you, and will emotionally lash out ('you're no fun, you should work less') as a last ditch attempt to do so.

He won't change, nor will he ever think he's in the wrong.

TLDR: You've got a cocklodger.

He's taking the piss. Dump him and get a cleaner.

In terms of your not motivating him, he’s an adult, not one of your pupils! That is not meant to be a dig at you but to say he shouldn’t need motivating to put in some effort around the place to keep it tidy, safe and hygienic. The bit about the unequal earnings and financial contributions concerns me particularly.
It sounds as though he is getting a concierge/housekeeper on tap for very little cost or work; What are you getting?

☝🏻 Fuck. That.

"Better at motivating him"? Is he 9?!

I think he is that child nobody wants, yes the "Man Child"! He is being reliant on you Im afraid .Almost a Cock lodger .Why has he decided to reduce his hours just when you have a promotion to a demanding job? 10 hours a week is barely PT FFS! I would be letting him know that he needs to put about 30 more hours in! Then you can get a Cleaner and be you know lots of fun! Dont blame yourself you have done nothing wrong!

He barely works, doesn't maintain the house, and doesn't contribute equally financially. He's a user, it's no wonder you've reached the end of your tether.

Yep, he's become a cocklodger OP, you're NBU at all. So now you need to decide what you want to do, is there any love left or has he killed it by making you his mum?

Please tell me there aren't any DC involved. It's only going to get worse. I'd cut your losses and buy him out than stay with him.

Unless you agreed to him reduce his hours and contribution he owes you that money. What value does he add to your life?

Oh god bin him off, come on you know the answer here. If a student of yours confided to you that her mum had a boyfriend move in and he did nothing but complain at her mum and the daughter, wouldn't your interal thoughts be drawing a similar conclusion to what everyone is telling you here?

I empathise though as I know it can be hard to detach from someone if you have been involved with them for a while, but reread your post and start to get angry.

@toohottohandlebar no, no children involved. Our wedding was cancelled due to Covid, and I've not reorganised it because of these niggling doubts.

Thanks for the replies, everyone. I hadn't considered getting a cleaner, but it would take away some of the resentment, I suppose.

My work hours are long, mostly due to after-school meetings for the different teams I work with, then having to work at home to keep up with my teaching commitment, marking and paperwork.

Awful typos there <_<

and who the hell voted that you were being unreasonable?

You can pay for a cleaner - but they won't tidy up. And it won't change the lazy manchild sat watching TV in his pants.

You're an educated, intelligent woman, and yet you're continuing to lie to yourself and live in denial. This relationship is over, as it should be, has been for quite a while, and it's in no way your fault. Your partner is a useless cocklodger who is content with you bankrolling his life.

Get rid of this dead weight and move on.

👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻

Do YOU think it's your fault? Why?
Your title sort of implies he's not at fault. Why?

Nicely put. ^This

He’s a workshy cocklodger and that’s not your fault.
Works 10 hours a week? Get out of here!

I can’t imagine working so hard to support this lazy oaf - I would get a divorce. Living alone would be much better.

He's a dick.

But out of curiosity, have you asked why he's only working 10hours a week, and if so what does he say?

They’re not niggling your doubts are they, they’re pretty massive.

He’s a lazy manchild behaving like a teenage boy. So unsexy. Why should you “motivate” an adult?

I would move on asap and find someone with a better work ethic - with a better everything ethic.

You have yourself a Grade One Cocklodger, who has done this by stealth, in increments it seems. So crafty too. Please don't tolerate this.

Initially, he did lose some hours as one of his departments closed. Then he blamed covid. But he's also said more recently that he was asked to work more and he didn't want to... this was two days after we'd had Ofsted at school and I didn't even have the energy to explain how selfish that was.

Don't really know why I've put up with it for so long.