Relationship failing. Is it my fault?

[goldengirlsareshining]

I'm a secondary school teacher, HoD in my subject, usually work 11 hours a day, and about 4-5 hours at the weekend. My fiancé does a desk-based job, working from home.

When we first started living together, he worked 10-6, four days a week in the office. Then we bought a house together 5 years ago, which was about the time I got my promotion to HoD, and he started to drop some of his hours, then started working from home and dropping more hours. This was gradual over a few years, and affected by Covid too.

Now he works about 10 hours a week, and so his earnings reflect that. It's meant that I have to pay a much greater proportion towards the mortgage and bills than him. He also has much lower standards in the house than me, so unless I do it myself, the cleaning just doesn't get done. Last summer, my dad was having treatment for cancer so I stayed with him for the 6 week holiday, and when I came home, my fiancé hadn't mopped, hoovered or cleaned the bathroom at all.

I'm so tired of being the 'parent' in the relationship, of having responsibility for EVERYTHING by myself. He says I nag him too much and that I'm no fun any more, but can't seem to understand how knackered I am, and that I'd be more fun if he ran a hoover around or put out the bins, or actually worked a bit more to pay his way, so it wasn't all on me.

I've said I can't continue like this... but then had a moment of worry that maybe I'm the problem and he wouldn't be like this if I was better at motivating him, or wasn't working so much. So... AIBU in being unhappy and wanting change?

"maybe I'm the problem and he wouldn't be like this if I was better at motivating him"

Why is it your job to motivate him though? You sound v motivated, is that anything to do with him? Or because you just inherently arent a lazy arse?

I think you would be having much more fun on your own or in another relationship.

Only sexist people accuse women of nagging when all they're asking is that their partner does their share.

Oh and when he realises you're serious about leaving he will agree to do more in the house. And as soon as he is confident you're not leaving then he will revert back. So once you've made up your mind I think it would be pointless to let him persuade you

Don't really know why I've put up with it for so long.

It's an absolute mystery, for sure. You don't need this man for a single thing, yet you've allowed him to use you as a doormat for years. It's mind boggling. Thank fuck you're not married. Get rid.

Are you stuck in the sunken coat fallacy?

You can afford your home and lifestyle without him, let him go and find his own motivation!!

My ex was like this. Note ex. I used to dread going home to him. It only got worse, and he cut his hours down too, until he eventually didn't work at all, because he didn't really feel like working. Nah. Didn't fancy tidying up, cooking or cleaning the house either. Didn't really feel like getting the kids dressed or taking them to school some days I was at work. In the end, he couldn't really be bothered to wash, change his clothes or clean his teeth. He didn't have depression, he was just quite happy to sit around in his pants on the computer all day and night. He still wanted sex whenever he felt like it though. I always thought that he would change/grow up. He didn't. Just got worse. There were other problems too, with his controlling behaviour and general not giving two shits about my well-being. I became ill and was in and out of hospital a lot. He did not step up when I could no longer work or drive. He got angry at me for no longer being his free meal ticket.
We've been separated for a few years now, and he still doesn't have a job and still lives off women. I have no regrets. Me and the kids clean our house now.

I have a partner, and he has his own house. He has a job, works hard and keeps his home immaculate. When he's at my house, he helps me. Massive difference, and so attractive!

He won't change, and things won't get better. He has shown you who he is, believe him. My advice would be to run.

I hadn't considered getting a cleaner, but it would take away some of the resentment, I suppose.

Yeah, that's right. Get rid of some resentment by YOU paying for a cleaner. You'll be set for a smooth marriage then!

What does he actually do all day? I thj think that I might have some idea but 🤷‍♀️

You are working a hell of a lot, but if you’re happy doing that then it’s ok.
But it seems you don’t have a lot left for a relationship. So the question is, what do you want more, the job or him ?
I know which I’d choose in your position.

I guess you'll have to buy him out of the house despite his no doubt inadequate contribution to the mortgage. I'd be consulting a solicitor right away and I wouldn't dream of marrying your soon to be ex partner.

How did you allow this to happen.
Honestly, he is majorly taking the piss out of you.
Get rid ASAP

There is so much good advice on this thread, please listen to it. Or you will be posting on here again in a little while asking about divorces. Get rid of him now and move on.

ps. As a fellow HOD you’re doing too much. Private or state. It’s too much. Ready Mary Myatt‘s book, back on track

He sleeps a lot, and plays games. He's a bit of a serial hobbyist, so goes through waves of tinkering with an old computer, or uploading converted video tapes to youtube, or other techie kind of stuff.

The minute someone says 'you're no fun' that should send you running. It's code for 'you won't shut up and leave me to do what I want'.

Fucking hell, this man is a total waste of oxygen. How can you even be attracted to a twat like this? He sounds like a 14 year old boy.

The relationship is failing because he has given up.

You will be SO much happier without having to clean up after him.

Get out before you have kids. Because things will get 10 times worse!!!!

The relationship is failing because he has given up.

You will be SO much happier without having to clean up after him.

Get out before you have kids. Because things will get 10 times worse!!!!

Look up 'Cocklodger'...

He IS the definition

Oh goodness he is a waste of space. Pay for a cleaner, but he'll still be using up oxygen and you'll resent that he can't even pick up stuff before the cleaner comes.

You're not married, get rid of him, feel so much better! Keep the cleaner.

I wouldn’t stay with that lazy fucker

Unless the cleaner is going to bag him up and take him out with the rubbish I wouldn't bother. Leave him. He's useless. Literally.

And his good points are? I did not catch that part.

Grown men should not need external motivation to get the hoover out, or to get a proper job. It really is not your responsibility to motivate him-he is not in Year 9 is he?

So he's still a teenager then.

Don’t marry him, he’s a loser
Ask a lawyer about your options to separate

Getting a cleaner is not the solution here.

He works 10 hours a week. He cleans.

But given that is NEVER going to happen, and that he’s a sub-standards cocklodger, it’s time to LTB.

You can do so much better. And you have to ask yourself why you think being single is worse than being with this specimen….

And it’s not as if you’re sex life will be making up for it - it’s non-existent, surely? I mean no-one in their right mind would want to be getting intimate with a man like this.

Do marry this fucker. Dump his arse. I wouldn't pitch my horse to this wagon. He works 10 hours and week while you do 11 a day. Your boring. More like your exhausted. Dump him. Get a cleaner and order hello fresh. You'll be so much happier single.