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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I haven't spoken to my H all weekend

83 replies

Goatling · 25/07/2022 13:36

Sorry if this is long.

Last year new neighbours moved into the house at the back of us, their house is west facing and quite large, ours is east facing and small so we are restricted where our sitting area is, we own the fence between the properties. There is a large elder tree hanging over our seating area which has produced several saplings which are now fence height and soon will hang over, they have also let ivy grow through our fence which is damaging it, even though we spent ages getting rid of it on our side. They have also sown climbers on their side of our fence.

My H saw the lady who lives there and mentioned the ivy, she said it doesn't bother her and to just cut our side, she also told him about the climbers. He said nothing about the damage or overhanging branches or berries or advised her she shouldn't be growing climbers up our fence.

AIBU to be mad with him for practically giving her permission to allow damage and inconvenience to us and cutting off any light to our seating area and AIBU for being cross with her for not caring about the state of our fence and garden.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 25/07/2022 14:39

forlornlorna1 · 25/07/2022 13:46

If my dh didn't speak to me all weekend over some bloody ivy i would LTB

He has probably just enjoyed a nice, drama-free weekend, poor sod. Grin

Lanawashington · 25/07/2022 14:39

Drip drip

Aria999 · 25/07/2022 14:41

YABU

How was he to know what you wanted him to say unless you told him? Our neighbors grow things up their side of the fence and we trim our side, it would never have occurred to me that this was not normal.

Not speaking to someone is always nasty. This is a relatively trivial thing. Do you often have problems with uncontrollable anger for relatively minor triggers?

CustardySergeant · 25/07/2022 14:49

I feel very sorry for your husband. Your behaviour is childish and unreasonable. Try behaving like an adult.

Original poster
Goatling · 25/07/2022 14:54

Sorry, I haven't read all the posts yet, but I will. I just want to point out it's my H who has been moaning about the trees and the ivy, I had enough of him going on about it so I told him to sort it out. I have to make all the decisions about what to have for dinner to where we live as he never has an opinion. It wears me down!

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 25/07/2022 14:55

Find a way to address the situation yourself if you aren't happy with the way your husband handled it.

Ahwell123 · 25/07/2022 14:55

If a bloke wrote "I was just so angry I couldn't speak to her unless I got angry again" - they would be flamed.

Honestly - what I'd do to have problems about ivy and fencing and a husband who forgot to mention something or other. I can't even remember what it was you wanted him to say.

Just give yourself and him and the neighbour and the ivy a break.

Staynow · 25/07/2022 14:55

Wow talk about passive aggressive, it's sounds like you're the one who has the biggest problem with it all so instead of making your DH do your dirty work why don't you go and talk to them. Then you can say exactly what you want to say.

Bet you won't though will you? You'll just sulk and try and make him do it again.

Andromachehadabadday · 25/07/2022 15:02

It actually sounds like you are being hugely unfair and, quite frankly, abusive.

You can’t go anywhere due to you copd, so he must take on quite a bit of the household tasks. You may think of them but anything outside the house He actually has to do it. And do it how you want him to.

you want him to deal with a situation in the way YOU want him to and as he hasn’t have given him the silent treatment all weekend. It all sounds very stressful for him. Not a walk in the park for you either, but all of pressure on him that you seem to think is nothing and there’s only you with pressure on you.

to me it actually sounds like you don’t make all the decisions and hate it. You just make all the decisions and order him to do it, then become fairly abusive when it’s not don’t to your satisfaction. You basically hate he is matching your expectations.

Dozycuntlaters · 25/07/2022 15:03

He probably doesn't have an opinion in case it's not one you agree with and he gets the silent treatment.

If you're that fed up with him to the point you've not spoken to him for a whole weekend then just bloody leave him. Sulking/ignoring someone is awful behaviour, emotionally abusive IMO

Original poster
Goatling · 25/07/2022 15:05

The fence is definitely ours, it is marked on the deeds. The ivy is growing through the slats and forcing them apart. How long would you listen to someone moaning about something before you finally said if it bothers you so much do something about it which is what I said.

OP posts:
Blofield · 25/07/2022 15:08

id leave you if you gave me the silent treatment. Talk it through. You’re an adult

PrinnyPree · 25/07/2022 15:14

Silent treatment is abuse OP, I would consider separating from my husband for not talking to me all weekend. You should apologise to your husband right now and grow up. He at least tried to have a conversation with her, if you don't like how he handled it handle it yourself.

Bigmouthshouthotair · 25/07/2022 15:19

Blofield · 25/07/2022 15:08

id leave you if you gave me the silent treatment. Talk it through. You’re an adult

Me too. It is very controlling behaviour

Crunchygrass · 25/07/2022 15:19

Goatling · 25/07/2022 15:05

The fence is definitely ours, it is marked on the deeds. The ivy is growing through the slats and forcing them apart. How long would you listen to someone moaning about something before you finally said if it bothers you so much do something about it which is what I said.

@Goatling I do feel for you a bit, but honestly, it’s the most human thing in the world to be annoyed about something and then when you’re given a chance to confront someone over it you end up tell them not to worry about it. It sounds like you have other frustrations with him, most people here will tell you to stop doing things for him, or making decisions etc if you’re not happy about it. The reason you are getting A LOT of pushback here I think is because there have been so many posts by women who are on the receiving end of the silent treatment.

Many people find the silent treatment panic inducing, stressful, and deeply hurtful because it’s nullifying. It’s not holding someone accountable for a mistake, it’s refusing to acknowledge their existence, presumably because they are so far beneath your contempt they are as nothing to you. It worse than being shouted at, because it signals “you’re not even worth the effort of communication”.

Try being kind, maybe he’s not perfect, but shaming him isn’t exactly going to turn him into your knight in shining armour is it? I imagine all he really wants to do is make you happy. Unless there’s more to the story you’re not telling us?

BronwenFrideswide · 25/07/2022 15:25

This:

AIBU to be mad with him for practically giving her permission to allow damage and inconvenience to us and cutting off any light to our seating area and AIBU for being cross with her for not caring about the state of our fence and garden.

Contradicts this:

I just want to point out it's my H who has been moaning about the trees and the ivy, I had enough of him going on about it so I told him to sort it out.

and this:

The ivy is growing through the slats and forcing them apart. How long would you listen to someone moaning about something before you finally said if it bothers you so much do something about it which is what I said.

If your latest version of events is the correct version instead of sulking and giving your husband the silent treatment you could simply have said "You are the one who keeps moaning about it, you had the opportunity to sort it out and didn't so stop moaning, I'm not sorting it out for you because it doesn't bother me that much." As according to your latest version it is your husband it bothers not you.

What have you achieved by your silent treatment of him? Sweet FA.

Gazelda · 25/07/2022 15:29

OP, it sounds as though you've been frustrated for quite a while and that this is the last straw.
Would counselling help you two to work out a way to communicate that works for you both?

DangerouslyBored · 25/07/2022 15:34

Stonewalling is emotional abuse, I would leave my DH if he didn’t speak to me for an entire weekend.

The fact that this is all over your neighbours’ plants makes your treatment towards him all the more unacceptable.

Nietzschethehiker · 25/07/2022 16:39

Goatling · 25/07/2022 15:05

The fence is definitely ours, it is marked on the deeds. The ivy is growing through the slats and forcing them apart. How long would you listen to someone moaning about something before you finally said if it bothers you so much do something about it which is what I said.

There is a bit more complexity here really but both of you, more you, are being ridiculous.

I get the weak assed husband who winges rather than do anything. Believe me I divorced one. It is frustrating. So by all means you told him to sort it out yourself.

Then you promptly threw a hissy fit because he didn't deal with it the way you wanted and then gave him the silent treatment (just because you describe it differently doesn't change what it is....its a nasty and emotionally immature behaviour that has and does end marriages....rightly so).

It's really simple.

First conversation "don't winge go and sort it out "

Afterwards. " Righty O you've spoken to her , deal with the result and stop winging, watch shall we watch on TV tonight then? I fancy xyz". Thats it. Cheery but boundaried.

If he doesn't take the impetus to make decisions or do things , then do what you like, decide if you want or divorce him. Those are your options.

None of the sensible or rational options include having a hissy fit and behaving like a ten year old that can't play their xbox.

It's a fence. It's ivy. This is not a thing.

Nietzschethehiker · 25/07/2022 16:39

Goatling · 25/07/2022 15:05

The fence is definitely ours, it is marked on the deeds. The ivy is growing through the slats and forcing them apart. How long would you listen to someone moaning about something before you finally said if it bothers you so much do something about it which is what I said.

There is a bit more complexity here really but both of you, more you, are being ridiculous.

I get the weak assed husband who winges rather than do anything. Believe me I divorced one. It is frustrating. So by all means you told him to sort it out yourself.

Then you promptly threw a hissy fit because he didn't deal with it the way you wanted and then gave him the silent treatment (just because you describe it differently doesn't change what it is....its a nasty and emotionally immature behaviour that has and does end marriages....rightly so).

It's really simple.

First conversation "don't winge go and sort it out "

Afterwards. " Righty O you've spoken to her , deal with the result and stop winging, watch shall we watch on TV tonight then? I fancy xyz". Thats it. Cheery but boundaried.

If he doesn't take the impetus to make decisions or do things , then do what you like, decide if you want or divorce him. Those are your options.

None of the sensible or rational options include having a hissy fit and behaving like a ten year old that can't play their xbox.

It's a fence. It's ivy. This is not a thing.

Andromachehadabadday · 25/07/2022 18:14

Goatling · 25/07/2022 15:05

The fence is definitely ours, it is marked on the deeds. The ivy is growing through the slats and forcing them apart. How long would you listen to someone moaning about something before you finally said if it bothers you so much do something about it which is what I said.

So it’s not actually bothering you at all? Apart from him moaning? Despite your op, it actually only bothers him.

Them tell him you don’t want to hear him moaning about it and cut him off reminding him you don’t want to hear it.

Not speaking to him all weekend because he didn’t sort something that only bothers him, is still an abuse tactic.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/07/2022 18:16

It's too far for me to walk as I have COPD.

Call her then.

And refusing to speak to him all weekend is actually emotionally abusive and definitely sulky.

Grow up and sort it yourself if he hasn't sorted it to your liking.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 25/07/2022 18:20

You aren't entitled to light unfortunately, all you can do is cut overhanging branches but personally I think trees are more important than you, we'd die without them.
People who insist every tree in their way is cut down gives me the absolute rage.

bloodyunicorns · 25/07/2022 18:24

Goatling · 25/07/2022 13:57

Hont1986 I think you will find you are not allowed to grow things against a fence that doesn't belong to you.

Are you sure? How are you going to step people? Our neighbours own the fence between us and them and we're growing things along it... didn't know it was a problem!

bloodyunicorns · 25/07/2022 18:29

Hmm, looks like she should all before arching climbing plants - 'You are also forbidden from allowing climbing plants to grow upon it without permission, as they can cause damage to the structure.'